Overly involved parenting~ How did we get here?

[RitaZ.]

Growing up, I had strict parents. There were rules that we had to follow. They expected certain behavior from us. They were never all over us about homework, school projects, etc. If we needed supplies or special things to get projects done, my dad would take us to the store, the library (no internet then), etc., to get what we needed. The work was entirely on us. We were good students. They taught us to be independent by allowing us to fail and learn from our mistakes.

I believe that nowadays, many parents are overly involved in their children's lives. I have 3 children: 17, 13 & 11. I don't believe in planning and controlling every aspect of my children's lives. I believe that the more we do for our children, the less they will do for themselves. I have seen this with my own kids. As much as it hurts me, I have to step back and let them make their mistakes. They won't learn any valuable lessons until they hit a few bumps on the road.

I don't believe that being a helicopter parent makes one a better parent nor produces stronger, self-sufficient children. I believe it has the opposite effect on children.

So, what prompts parents to be so controlling and hypervigilant? Is it guilt? Is it love? Is it fear? Are parents afraid to allow their children to make mistakes? Do we believe that our children aren't capable of making the right decisions/choices without our help and guidance every step of the way? What is it?

Opinions?

 

[mickeyboat]

I have a couple of theories.

First I think the media has scared parents to death that their child is in danger every day of being raped, murdered or kidnapped.

Second I think parenting has become a contest to see who can be the best parent - and that many people subscribe to the notion that the more protective you are of your child and the more involved you are in their lives, the more you love them and the better parent you are.

Third I think there is a new generation of parents, especially mothers, who have given up or delayed their careers in order to raise their children. I think these parents have made a new career out of raising their children, and mircomanage their childrens' lives they way they would their jobs.

I also believe that there is no one right way to raise a child, and that just because someone is over-protective or over-involved, does not automatically mean their children will not turn out o.k. Maybe it is our parents who had it wrong.

 

[suejai]

I agree with you absolutely. We have rules for how to behave, that homework gets done, I ask but I don't hover over them to make sure it is done, that they are in on time for their curfews, things like that. I know parents who are still picking out their childrens clothing at the age of 13. My other beef is parents who fill up their childrens days with activities so that they never have any free time - the theory being that then they are at a loose end and will get into trouble. In my view kids should be exposed to various activities so that they are well rounded people but not to the point where they have no time to just hang with friends.

 

[C.Ann]

Growing up, I had strict parents. There were rules that we had to follow. They expected certain behavior from us. They were never all over us about homework, school projects, etc. If we needed supplies or special things to get projects done, my dad would take us to the store, the library (no internet then), etc., to get what we needed. The work was entirely on us. We were good students. They taught us to be independent by allowing us to fail and learn from our mistakes.

I believe that nowadays, many parents are overly involved in their children's lives. I have 3 children: 17, 13 & 11. I don't believe in planning and controlling every aspect of my children's lives. I believe that the more we do for our children, the less they will do for themselves. I have seen this with my own kids. As much as it hurts me, I have to step back and let them make their mistakes. They won't learn any valuable lessons until they hit a few bumps on the road.

I don't believe that being a helicopter parent makes one a better parent nor produces stronger, self-sufficient children. I believe it has the opposite effect on children.

So, what prompts parents to be so controlling and hypervigilant? Is it guilt? Is it love? Is it fear? Are parents afraid to allow their children to make mistakes? Do we believe that our children aren't capable of making the right decisions/choices without our help and guidance every step of the way? What is it?

Opinions?

------------------------------

I was raised with "natural consequences" - and the same applied to my own children.. No hovering, no doing homework for them, no packing their book bags to make sure they had everything they needed, etc.. I failed the 8th grade - because I goofed off all year.. Was I allowed to go to summer school? Nope - had to do the entire year over again.. There was no way my parents were going to let me off the hook by going to summer school for 8 weeks to make up for ignoring my responsibilities all year long.. Many, many years later one of my children did the same thing - and received the same consequence.. If children never make mistakes, how are they to learn anything? Even as adults, we learn from our mistakes..

DD has had to speak to her MIL several times in regards to "hovering" over DGD while she's doing her homework.. MIL is of the mind set that every sheet DGD turns in must be "perfect" - right down to the penmanship.. (She was the same way with DD's DH - an only child - and it definitely had a negative impact on him..) Fortunately, DGD is as smart as a whip - so there's nothing for her to "correct" (to MIL's satisfaction) - but if there was, the teachers have repeatedly stated that parents should NOT instruct the students "what" and "how" to correct those errors - otherwise the teacher has no indication where a students problem areas may lie..

I don't know why others do what they do - all I know is how I was raised, how I raised my own children, and how I am involved with my DGD - considering I live in the same household with her 5 months out of the year..
Everything we do - child or adult - has a "consequence" - either a good one or a bad one - and if we're never left to our own devices, we'll never learn which choices are the right ones and which choices are the wrong ones..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

 

[mom2travel]

No answers here, but I see it too much. Can every aspect of a child's life be controlled and then the child still be expected to be independent and off to college at 18? Maybe for some, but others are going to be a mess

Sometimes I think it is parents trying to live vicariously through their children - like sports. "junior is so good at soccer/hockey/baseball" Ughh, let them have fun - what is the point if they are not? I asked someone the other day if they had fun golfing with their kids. The response - oh, yeah, they played really well. ??? but did you/they have a good time?

Also see the trying to spare the feelings thing and it drives my crazy. How will they learn to handle their emotions and respond to different situations if a parent is constantly running interference? I actually had someone call to tell me I should set up a play date for DD because many of the girls were going to a birthday party of another girl after school and she wasn't invited. I had no idea how to respond, although "so?" popped into my head. I think DD can handle seeing other girls hanging out together. She knows not everyone can be invited to everything - heck, she had a max on her party guests and had to cut the original list down by at least half. I'm sure they were just trying to be nice, but I also know their child would have been very upset had she been in DD's position - partly because her parents run that interference most of the time/are too involved in her social life (and they are still in elementary school!).

Oh well! To each his own... Our children are healthy and happy and pretty well-rounded (imo ) and I guess that is all that is important for us

 

[mom2travel]

------------------------------


Everything we do - child or adult - has a "consequence" - either a good one or a bad one - and if we're never left to our own devices, we'll never learn which choices are the right ones and which choices are the wrong ones..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

ita

 

[freckles and boo]

This can go both ways. Perhaps our parents didn't do all they could. I was raised by very young parents. My dad started college but left after one year. My mother graduated high school and was married three months later. I could have really used some guidance when I was in high school and I didn't get it. It wasn't until after I graduated that I asked myself "what now?" Fortunately I had the skill and the drive. My brother, on the other hand, is nearly forty and the learning disability that was never addressed as a child has impacted his entire adult life. Natural consequences don't work when you have no way to acquire the life skills necessary to succeed. If he were a student in my district today the early intervention team would be all over him and they would have done their best to make sure his parents understood WHY he was a poor student. If my parents had been MORE involved and more pushy, he might not have fallen through the cracks. The "good old days" weren't always good for everyone.

 

[RitaZ.]

Everything we do - child or adult - has a "consequence" - either a good one or a bad one - and if we're never left to our own devices, we'll never learn which choices are the right ones and which choices are the wrong ones..

True. We have to be given the opportunity to put it all into practice. What's the point of having the tools if we are not allowed to use them without supervision?

I do agree that the media does affect and influence how we live our lives. Also, for some parents, it's a contest of who is the "better" parent.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I have a number of theories, some of which are from personal experience, some of which I made up. I won't tell you which is which.

1. A parent's worth is directly wrapped up in how much their child accomplishes -- if you did a good job, your kid will turn our okay.

2. Lack of a marriage/relationship -- there is nothing else to focus on.

3. Trying to do the opposite of what your parents did.

4. Remembering what you did at your children's ages.

5. Trying to save your child from failure and heartbreak.

6. Being a control freak.

7. Having the ability (whether time-wise or financially) to help your child.

8. Wanting the best for your child.

I'm not saying any of these are right/wrong, I'm just saying these are my ideas on the matter.

 

[RitaZ.]

My brother, on the other hand, is nearly forty and the learning disability that was never addressed as a child has impacted his entire adult life. Natural consequences don't work when you have no way to acquire the life skills necessary to succeed. If he were a student in my district today the early intervention team would be all over him and they would have done their best to make sure his parents understood WHY he was a poor student.

That is not what this thread is about. I'm referring to regular/average children, not children that have special needs. Raising a special needs child requires a proactive parenting approach from an early age.

 

[Kath2003]

It's biology. We've changed from R-Selection breeders (have many offspring and hope that a few make it into healthy, successful adults) due to poor resources, lack of healthcare etc. to K-Selection breeders (have few offspring and nuture them fully to ensure they make it into healthy, successful adults) - I'm talking over thousands of years here.

It's natural: if you invest time, money, love, effort etc. into raising an offspring, you don't want that to be 'wasted' in any way. People have these ideals about their child becoming the 'perfect adult' and don't want to have their 'investment' wasted.

It takes a really grounded parent to keep 'dangers' in perspective with regard to their offspring.

 

[RitaZ.]

It's biology. We've changed from R-Selection breeders (have many offspring and hope that a few make it into healthy, successful adults) due to poor resources, lack of healthcare etc. to K-Selection breeders (have few offspring and nuture them fully to ensure they make it into healthy, successful adults) - I'm talking over thousands of years here.

It's natural: if you invest time, money, love, effort etc. into raising an offspring, you don't want that to be 'wasted' in any way. People have these ideals about their child becoming the 'perfect adult' and don't want to have their 'investment' wasted.

It takes a really grounded parent to keep 'dangers' in perspective with regard to their offspring.

Absolutely!

 

[Colleen27]

I think a lot of it is media driven. Not just mass media, but the overall pervasiveness of communications media in general. We hear much more about every bad thing that happens in the world, and we also hear much more about every expert opinion and every good idea any parent out there has ever had. It creates immense pressure on parents, both to shelter our children from a world that we tend to perceive as more dangerous than it really is and to research things that used to be a matter of common sense/"mom" instinct.

 

[ajk912]

I think schools expect us to be very involved, otherwise our kids' grades suffer. I frequently get notes home that say my son needs to organize his binder. I am expected to sign off on his homework and reading logs that say I checked/acknowledged his homework and he did his reading. That's for my 4th grader. For my second grader, I have had to do many projects (I say, "I", because not many 8 year olds can just whip up a model & a habitat of an animal by themselves). I get endless notes, X needs to work on this or that.. The studying is insane, there is no way a kid can do all the studying that is expected on their own. We do a TON of teaching at home, too. I understand that there is so much curriculum to teach and not enough hours to teach everything..and that's why there is so much we still need to teach at home. I get that, I do. But still, it frustrates me sometimes how much work is expected out of me.

 

[elizke]

I agree with most all the reasons posted. And yes I find it absurd too when parents do most of the school project, etc. Our school district has taken to most projects being completed at school, I think just so they can make sure they are seeing what the students really can do and make sure there are no unfair parental advantages.

This may sound harsh, but I also think many young people these days are kind of full of themselves. They get married and plaster all surfaces of their new homes with pictures of themselves getting married. (Why do they need so many in one house where they temselves live?)

They have babies and jam those pictures onto the wall too, and they seem overly obsessed with only their children and what their family is doing all the time. (Fantastic Facebook updates every day!)

And all images show perfection. We all seem to be advertising ourselves. It's hard to live up to and under the surface many of these same families are stressed from it all I think.

Give me the good ol' days with drunk uncles and teen troubles and muddy shoes all showing.

 

[Tink888]

I agree that controlling every aspect of your child's life and time ultimately does a huge disservice to them in the end but IMO I think the root cause of it stems from love and good intentions.

As parents, we want the very best for our kids. We want them to have all the opportunities that we might not have had. We remember the mistakes we made and the things that hurt us along the way and we don't our kids to have to experience any of that. We want our kids to have happy childhoods. It's natural not to want to see your kids ever hurt and have the best opportunities but it's not always realistic.

The thing we sometimes forget is that not getting everything you want, making your own decisions (even the bad ones), the mistakes and the pain along the way are where there is the most opportunity to learn good and important life lessons.

And I also think that there are A LOT of parents out there who honestly believe that parenting is a competitive sport and the prize is a PERFECT kid. (And good luck to them with that! LOL).

 

[freckles and boo]

That is not what this thread is about. I'm referring to regular/average children, not children that have special needs. Raising a special needs child requires a proactive parenting approach from an early age.

I agree. I have a child with autism. However, the hands off approach really hurt some kids in the past. I am not disputing the point of this thread, but I also disagree with blanket statements about parenting. Some children thrive when they are forced to sink or swim. Some just sink.

 

[SC Minnie]

I think a lot of parents (including me sometimes ) want our children to have everything we didn't. Growing up we had what we needed but money was always very tight so we didn't get a lot of 'things' other kids had. Sometimes I have to catch myself and not over indulge DD. I think this leads into what another poster said-- parents try to live through their kids. Have their children do things they didn't get to do growing up so they tend to be overly involved because of it.

Others have to be involved in every activity their children are in-- as a helper or volunteer or something. The media has parents terrified that if our children aren't next to us every second of the day someone is going to kidnap them.

Several months ago another poster used the term submarine parent. I love this and it is actually how I try to parent. Stay just under the radar but close enough to help if/when DD wants/needs me.

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree. I have a child with autism. However, the hands off approach really hurt some kids in the past. I am not disputing the point of this thread, but I also disagree with blanket statements about parenting. Some children thrive when they are forced to sink or swim. Some just sink.

I think this is part of being an aware parent. Recognizing when your children are sinking and throwing them a life preserver and pulling them in to safety.

 

[NotUrsula]

That is not what this thread is about. I'm referring to regular/average children, not children that have special needs. Raising a special needs child requires a proactice parenting approach from an early age.

Yes, but who decides that a child is special needs? It's one thing if a child is deaf or physically disabled, but there are many conditions that are much more subtle. It took me 10 years to see that the quirky traits that reminded me so much of myself really meant that DS wasn't developing into a "regular" child.

I spent much of that 10 years pushing back against what I saw as DH's "helicopter" parenting style, because I felt that DS should be allowed to fail more often and make more mistakes on his own. I felt that DH helped him too much, and did physical things for him just to avoid having to deal with the inevitable messes and injuries that happened when he did them on his own. (At 12 the child has JUST gotten to the point where he can pour himself a glass of milk without consistently spilling at least a pint of it on the floor.)

Ironically, it was me who finally decided that DS needed to be tested for something, when he failed to outgrow his total lack of empathy for other people. DH didn't agree with me on that part; he thought that I was imagining it. I made the appointment, I bought the books, and after sitting through the interviews DH realized that I wasn't imagining it after all -- it turned out that our then-only child is a TEXTBOOK case of Asperger's.

What if I had just come to the conclusion, as my own parents did, that he was just a socially awkward loner? My mother always told me that friends were an over-rated waste of time, and not to worry about not having any. (Mind you, SHE had friends, but it suited her just fine that I didn't, because social isolation kept me pretty docile as a teen.) My parents didn't understand my academic work; I left them in the dust on that when I was only about six. While managing school on my own worked out OK in academic terms, it stunted my development in a lot of other ways. I could have used some guidance on topics other than religion, and I didn't get any. (My dad did try, but he died when I had just turned 12; Mom was a huge proponent of "toughening up", and in general felt that I should just roll with whatever hand I was dealt.) I went to one horrible set of schools, too; with really poor academic standards and an enormous tolerance for hazing.

Do we hover over DS academically? Yes, to my horror, we do. If we don't he does not do the work, as he thinks it is boring and a waste of time. If we had safe public schools available to us I wouldn't sweat that; I would let him fail and take the consequences. However, we don't have safe public schools that he can get into, and basic private school tuition is $5500/year. Our home is paid for, and we are both in our late 40's. Our retirement savings have taken a HUGE hit this year, and it will take quite a while to recover from that, so moving is not an option. Letting DS fail over and over would cost the earth, so we just can't let it happen.

We don't hover over his social life, and the result is that he doesn't have one. It's unfortunate, but I couldn't help with that aspect if I wanted to; I just don't know how. DH tries a bit, but DS resists, and at his age you can't be arranging playdates against his will.