OT Stingy Grandfather

[ChiTownZee]

......It is not about the gift. It was about how he made me feel that my kids were not a priority in his life. He made no effort to celebrate Christmas other than to be there to open his gifts. (This makes me feel sad for them, and maybe the little girl inside of me).......

If he made no effort to celebrate Christmas, maybe it's not about you, or your children. Maybe being there to open his gifts WAS the effort. I don't know how old he is or his situation, but Christmas can be a very depressing time, and more people commit suicide then than any other time of year, and you said he's financially hurting. Instead of being hurt over his not making your children his priority, maybe find make the effort to find out how he really is doing, financially, physically and emotionally, especially since he had no desire to celebrate Christmas in any way.

 

[grlpwrd]

In the past I could see that he was thoughtless, and I could get over it.

Now that he is doing the same thing to my kids it is not as easy to let it go.

It is not about the gift. It was about how he made me feel that my kids were not a priority in his life. He made no effort to celebrate Christmas other than to be there to open his gifts. (This makes me feel sad for them, and maybe the little girl inside of me).

I would like to let it go but it is easier said than done.



I have been feeling better since I started this thread. It is great to hear what others think. Especially the ones that are so supportive! But it is also helpful when others share what they have been through too. Thanks.

I don't know why people are interjecting about how you should be grateful that he is alive. My goodness, of course, she knows that!.. and telling you how you should feel... ugh

The OP is upset at how it affected her kids. Just because the kids don't say anything doesn't mean they forget, you know?

You can't guess what is in peoples heads.

So true. Maybe this is one of the many learning opportunities that sometimes life sucks.... lol just kidding! Really, you gotta wonder why people do the things they do.

 

[Amy5000]

In the past I could see that he was thoughtless, and I could get over it.

Now that he is doing the same thing to my kids it is not as easy to let it go.

It is not about the gift. It was about how he made me feel that my kids were not a priority in his life. He made no effort to celebrate Christmas other than to be there to open his gifts. (This makes me feel sad for them, and maybe the little girl inside of me).

I would like to let it go but it is easier said than done.



I have been feeling better since I started this thread. It is great to hear what others think. Especially the ones that are so supportive! But it is also helpful when others share what they have been through too. Thanks.

I have to say "I get it". Here's my take:

I had a decently large wedding and there were a few of my friends did not give me a gift (4 that I can think of). I didn't even realize it with one friend until she apologized. Truth-be-told, I could care less that 3 of them didn't get me gifts. Two were struggling financially and I think the other meant to be never got around to it. I didn't have any significant problems in my relationship with any of them and was just happy that they came to celebrate with me.

With respect to the 4th person, who happened to be a bridesmaid, I had some real issues in my relationship with her. I'd been very hurt by some of her self-centered and over-bearing ways. It really bugged me that she didn't get me a gift. But the real problem was in our relationship...it was not about the gift.

Similarly, with your dad, the real problem is your relationship. You said you are not close and I'm sure you feel neglected. This is just a symptom of the hurts in your relationship.

To the posters who say gifts are not important from Grandparents. I agree but I don't think that's the issue here. My parents are terrible about giving gifts for holidays and birthdays, but they are loving, supportive and generous.

When you write that it's about the relationship and not the gift...you're right it's about the relationship and the relationship with this grandfather isn't doing so hot.

Good luck. Amy

 

[dogluva]

Ouch. That's so hurtful. Believe me, I know from personal experience! I just don't understand how people can be so lopsided! I would never think of being that way with my kids, or grandkids!

I know for fact that my FIL spends a ton of money on his girlfriend's step-grandchildren. It bothers my husband a little. I don't care one bit.

He can spend his money anyway he wants. He earned, he can spend it. I don't want gifts because they feel obligated.

My kids couldn't care less because we don't bring it up. They get enough stuff from my mother, step father and us.

Move on.

 

[dogluva]

I don't know why people are interjecting about how you should be grateful that he is alive. My goodness, of course, she knows that!.. and telling you how you should feel... ugh

The OP is upset at how it affected her kids. Just because the kids don't say anything doesn't mean they forget, you know?

So true. Maybe this is one of the many learning opportunities that sometimes life sucks.... lol just kidding! Really, you gotta wonder why people do the things they do.

I am not telling her how she should feel-she has told us how she feels. Sometimes it takes another view point to see what really is important. When I am feeling sorry for myself my mother tells me to get over it-there are people with real problems. This is just what I need to put it all into perspective.

I think it is a problem if her kids expect gifts. That is not what it is about and if they only think of the grandfather by what is bought then that is just sad.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think it is a problem if her kids expect gifts. That is not what it is about and if they only think of the grandfather by what is bought then that is just sad.

The children had no problem with it. The OP was hurt that her Dad seemed to forget them. I understand that. I also get that the present does not matter but sometimes it does show how someone feels or more importantly, does not feel.

My DD and my DSIL have one beautiful little girl. For my DH and I this little girl hung the moon and we cannot imagine our lives before she came tumbling into them. My DSIL has had a less than fulfilling relationship with his Mother and Father. He was used to it and it really did not seem to bother him that he was not the apple of either one's eye. He was far from that actually. Then came his little girl. For a few years he watched as Mom was reacted to her. She was lackluster at best, and she was close to insulting in her gift giving to my DD. Still both ignored that becasue they wanted their child to have a relationship with her grandmother.

Last Christmas they went in the morning as instructed (yes they were told not to come Christmas Eve, that was for my SIL's brother and son and his sister. Once they arrived they were shown very expensive gifts for the others and were given some pretty silly gifts. Jelly for DD and a beef stick for DSIL, a Little Pony thing for DGD. The disparity was pretty clear as was the feeling that Mom had for her son and his baby girl. What did not really hurt my DSIL broke his heart when he saw the same behavior towards his lovely loving DD. My DSIL was willing to tolerate the behavior towards himself as was my DD but they do not want their DD to feel that she is less special or less loved than the other grandchild so they chose not to join the family this year. They called and then visited after the Holiday when there would be no way for DGD to ever see anything different.

I wish that the OP could find a way to talk to Dad and see if he is just not a gift giver or if he is in some way conveying a message. Then she would know.

 

[samepoohdifferentday]

Instead for talking to my Dad about it, I wrote to my Mom (they are not together but are cordial with each other, in fact it was at her house that we all met for Christmas)

This was her reply:
I know how you feel and wish something would "hit him upside the head" and wake him up but as long as he prefers his bottle to living a life there's nothing any of us can do.

Try not to let it interfere with the rest of your life/relationships....he is only a small part of everything you've got.

Love,
Mom

I thought this was very insightful. You can see that she feels his drinking is the base of the problem. Perhaps she knows more about that than I.

I am not going to tell my Dad how upset I was. It is not his problem, it is mine and confronting my feelings with him is not going to be beneficial to me.

I have to say talking about it has helped immensely. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Nancyg56]

Instead for talking to my Dad about it, I wrote to my Mom (they are not together but are cordial with each other, in fact it was at her house that we all met for Christmas)

This was her reply:
I know how you feel and wish something would "hit him upside the head" and wake him up but as long as he prefers his bottle to living a life there's nothing any of us can do.

Try not to let it interfere with the rest of your life/relationships....he is only a small part of everything you've got.

Love,
Mom

I thought this was very insightful. You can see that she feels his drinking is the base of the problem. Perhaps she knows more about that than I.

I am not going to tell my Dad how upset I was. It is not his problem, it is mine and confronting my feelings with him is not going to be beneficial to me.

I have to say talking about it has helped immensely. Thanks for letting me share.

Your Mom did give you a very good way of looking at this. I am so sorry that this is the choice that he made but I do hope that you take your Mom's advice and try to let it be his problem.

 

[bellebud]

Instead for talking to my Dad about it, I wrote to my Mom (they are not together but are cordial with each other, in fact it was at her house that we all met for Christmas)

This was her reply:
I know how you feel and wish something would "hit him upside the head" and wake him up but as long as he prefers his bottle to living a life there's nothing any of us can do.

Try not to let it interfere with the rest of your life/relationships....he is only a small part of everything you've got.

Love,
Mom

I thought this was very insightful. You can see that she feels his drinking is the base of the problem. Perhaps she knows more about that than I.

I am not going to tell my Dad how upset I was. It is not his problem, it is mine and confronting my feelings with him is not going to be beneficial to me.

I have to say talking about it has helped immensely. Thanks for letting me share.

that sheds tons of light on the situation. that was a good idea to ask her too... sometimes it's so hard to think of the right thing to do.

maybe this will help you 'let it go', and help you have no expectations for your relationship with him in the future, for yourself and for your kids. whatever happens on holidays with him from now on, you'll not be expecting anything more than being in the same room - so if he's sincerely happy to see you guys, great, if not, no loss, you weren't expecting anything anyway. As I posted to you earlier, it wasn't about the "gift" for you - there was obviously so much more going on.

and your kids will be fine... relationships w/ grandparents are great when the relationship is great, but when the relationship isn't really 'there', it's not as much a 'loss' as not having a parent there, knim??? think of your own relationships w/ your grandparents, and even aunts and uncles. If you had an awesome grandparent, it was a huge part of your life and really meant something. If you had a so-so relationship w/ a grandparent, it just didn't mean much either way - it's not as rejecting as a parent rejecting you. (or at least that's how I feel)...

glad you got an 'answer'. and sorry about that answer, but he's an adult and adults pick their own paths, and you're now an adult w/ your own kids to raise, so you have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids. hope you find some peace with it.

 

[LisaNJ25]

My inlaws have not bought my never bought my kids Christmas gifts. Granted the live in a different county and I can count on 1 hand how many Christmas we as a family have received. I dont let it get to me.

 

[Katy Belle]

Instead for talking to my Dad about it, I wrote to my Mom (they are not together but are cordial with each other, in fact it was at her house that we all met for Christmas)

This was her reply:
I know how you feel and wish something would "hit him upside the head" and wake him up but as long as he prefers his bottle to living a life there's nothing any of us can do.

Try not to let it interfere with the rest of your life/relationships....he is only a small part of everything you've got.

Love,
Mom

I thought this was very insightful. You can see that she feels his drinking is the base of the problem. Perhaps she knows more about that than I.

I am not going to tell my Dad how upset I was. It is not his problem, it is mine and confronting my feelings with him is not going to be beneficial to me.

I have to say talking about it has helped immensely. Thanks for letting me share.

Wow this thread has really brought back some memories and feelings for me. My sister-in-law is much like your father. Several years ago my DH was having a horrible busy time at work and couldn't take the time to visit the family for Christmas. So I loaded up my 3 little kiddos and flew alone to celebrate with family. The day we opened gifts with DHs family his sister handed my oldest a tin of cookies and told him to share with his brothers. My kids were 3,6,8 ,all boys by the way, at the time and had helped me choose and wrap the really cool gift for their cousin. I was crushed. Not that it was a lousy gift, which it was, but that it was so thoughtless. They were obviously just leftover from what she'd given to others, and MIL told me this later. A $2 toy from Dollar General would have thrilled my kids. For years we had given them nice gifts to be given dollar General stuff, and it really didn't bother us, because its the thought that counts and it was usually stuff that she thought was cool, or we could use, or had some connection in some way to some thought. This particular year it was different.

She also is border-line alcoholic and that was probably a low time for her. She has improved a bit. Her mother talked to her about it. It was sort of "the straw the broke the camel's back"for me and from that moment on I've vowed to be polite to her, but no more. There have been so many things over the years, so many. So now I buy her kids nice gifts for Christmas and Birthdays because I love them and they are stuck with her for a mother which they cán't help and she buys my kids something cheap or hands them a $5 bill, which is fine.

Í',m sorry that your father hurt you and I totally understand. I'm sure it sounds shallow to others, but it does hurt.
Katy