OT Stingy Grandfather

[samepoohdifferentday]

You don't care about the money, you care about the gesture... you can tell him they were hurt but he'll likely take it badly and assume it's a gift grab. It's unfortunate, but there's not really a good way to broach this subject.

I think you are right.

I was let down and feel hurt. But there is not much I can do.

Reading all your comments has been really helpful to get perspective. Thanks.

 

[Nancyg56]

I understand the hurt. I also wonder if there is something else going on here that you may not have noticed. You said your Dad does not have much money nut does have some for alcohol and cigarettes. Is he drinking or smoking more than he was? Older people suffer from depression but sometimes it is not noticed if their personality or family relationship left something to be desired to begin with.

I lost my Mom but I remember when her depression or anxiety increased, it was awful. Maybe if you talked with your Dad about this you can find out what happened. You could see if there is more than meets the eye and if there is not you can let him know that you love him but were hurt over what you perceived to be a lack of caring for you.

 

[bellebud]

When did it become all about gifts?

I think it all started when the wisemen brought baby jesus gifts... or when St. Nicholas gave children gifts... it does have an origin. Gift giving has been around for a long time, and has meaning beyond the materialism of the gift.

every parent is aware of the commercialism of christmas, and that's not what the op is talking about. she's not saying "my dad didn't get my kids nintendo, or a Wii"... for people who celebrate, giving children gifts on christmas is one of the most recognized traditions there is in america, one that practically everyone gets involved in, in one way or another. To not get a child, your own grandchild, a gift on christmas... there's just something up. whether he forgot or not, who knows... but it's not the norm.

our catholic school, who is of course focused on the real meaning of christmas, organizes toy drives every year for needy families. and how about toys-for-tots, or any of the "toy" or "gift" charities that ask for donations so all kids can have a gift for christmas. Giving and receiving gifts is absolutely a huge part of christmas. It's not the money spent, or what you get, it's the thought the gift represents. It's a gesture, a token, a symbol. Is that really so hard to understand? My kids LOVE shopping for gifts for their aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, teachers, our pets, friends and each other. My kids also love giving out the gifts - even more than they love receiving gifts. they also take great pride in wrapping each one, and making a card for it. they put so much thought into each gift they pick, I love watching them go through the whole process. that's not to say we don't focus on spending time w/ each other on christmas, but the gift giving is a part of our celebration, just as the meal is a part of the celebration. and i'm guessing gift giving is a part of the op's family tradition and has been, or she wouldn't think twice about what happened.

I would feel the same as the op.

 

[mandysbus]

It is possible times are tough and he doesn't have any extra cash, and would feel funny just giving a card. Even though it's worse to give nothing, maybe he didn't know what to do... funny story... when I was pregnant w/ dd (our first - and I had 2 m/c's before her), I kept telling dh that I would love him to think of something to 'give' me in the hospital for her birth... before anyone jumps on me - I didn't mean a real 'present' and I explained this to him, but literally anything... a single flower he picked on the side of the road (which he actually used to do when we were dating, and i'd put them in a dixie cup), and i would save it in her baby book... or a teeny tiny stuffed animal I'd put in her nursery and always save, or a little necklace w/ her birthstone for her when she's a little older (my dh is a jeweler), or a special picture frame for her nursery - you get the idea... it was the thought, not the gift... so her birth comes and goes, and a few weeks later I ask him kiddingly 'so, I guess you forgot the *gift*? and he says 'I thought and thought, but nothing I thought of was good enough for you and her'... so I said "nothing was good enough for us, so you got us nothing???"... all this was said in good humor, and I really didn't care about any present. It was just such a typical male thing, and I always tease dh about typical male things, and he always laughingly agrees. But the point is, sometimes men just don't think the way women do, even when we lay it all out for them, clear as day.

When our DS was born DH (who is a wood carver), made me a little carved cat and gave it to me at the hospital which I thought was so cute (and he came up with that all by himself!).

Back on topic...DH's dad has been going through a hard time the past couple of years (between chemo. and staying on top of his bills and everything...) and he always gets his grandkids a little something for xmas. This year he gave each kid a small toy and a bag of snacks from a discount grocery store in the area, and let me tell you....DS(7) thought that was the greatest thing in the world, his own bag of cookies, cereal, candy and beef jerky!

So I can see where the OP is coming from, its the thought that counts but apparenty the thought was not there at all this year.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I appear to be in the minority here, but I think you need to get over it. I've never understood why people get so hung up on gifts and who gives them. The amount of posts on the community board after Christmas on this subject was shocking to me. When did it become all about gifts?

I know my parents and my mother-in-law love my family. I don't expect or need gifts from them to show it. Material items are not a measure of love or how much someone thinks of you.

Just my 2 cents.

Maybe it has something to do with the name Allison but I totally agree with this poster. My ILs forget birthdays all the time. Maybe its a tight income and they didn't have money to buy a gift or maybe they truly forgot. I give them the benefit of the doubt because they are my DH's parents. I'd rather have a great relationship with them without worrying about gifts. And I'm raising my DD the same way. We love the grandparents for who they are, not for what they buy.
There does appear to be some history here though. Maybe speaking to someone will help with these feelings.
- Allison

 

[NJFabFour]

I, too, can see and relate completely to where you are coming from. As noted by many others, it wasn't that your children didn't get a gift but that their grandfather didn't seem to express any thoughtfulness toward them at such a special time for them.
We have one grandmother who has been put in a nursing home and is suffering dementia and my children totally understand that she is not at all able to celebrate Christmas with them like she used to and they appreciate just being with her for a little while that day.
However, my father, (who is still running 5K races at 65 years old!) is often guilty of neglecting them out of what I consider to be a general "obliviousness." There's no reason or excuse and I totally understand and appreciate that it's not intentional but the carelessness does hurt sometimes. Our family is also still dealing with the loss of my mom 5 years ago and my father's remarriage and that adds a considerable amount of emotion to the whole situation (that there just isn't enough room on the DIS to even begin to discuss! ). I finally confronted him when he had promised to attend a soccer game for my DS (something he'd never done in 3 years of him playing) and he decided to do something else at the last minute . . . I told him it hurt that I have to beg him to do something that Mom would have done ten times already without even being asked. And, as noted by many, my son got over it in a heartbeat and I of course am still seething!
I still maintain a relationship with him though and try as much as I can to foster one between him and my children and I would advise you do the same though I realize it's never the same. Thoughts are with you!

 

[Tammysue5]

I do not think you are acting like a brat. Maybe there are things that you are not seeing... I have an example for you...

My dad is a great father and poppa..but it seemed at Christmas that my kids got things that they really weren't into...my brothers son on the other hand (they live in separate houses but on the same farm) always got exactly what he wanted. Now, at first I kept wondering is it because he loves that grandson more? I truly thought it out and realized that is not the case..dad is a great guy so that could not be it..... well, this year I was talking w/him before Christmas and was sharing that we were re-doing the DDS rooms. When I mentioned that all we really needed now was the beautiful little lamps (pink w/dangling crytals...Disney Princesses of course) and that I had planned to get those for them for Christmas as DDs REALLY wanted them....my dad said 'let me get those for them'.... I was taken aback...and it hit me...my dad really did not know what the granddaughers wanted. I helped him out I went out and helped him pick out the lamps... and the Hannah Montana Microphone ... My dad was so excited to give the girls their presents on Christmas morning.....he was like a little kid...... he could not wait to have them open them!

Maybe your dad just wasn't sure what your kids are into...you mentioned that you don't get to see him often. The money could have been an issue as well. 10 years ago it took us hours for all of us to open gifts... (16 of us) we decided that was not how we wanted to spend Christmas nor was it what Christmas was about...we now draw names...$20 a gift (you put three suggestions on your name so whoever draws it can get what you really want)
Then Poppa get everyone 1 or 2 gifts (depending on the cost) We now have more time to spend together. We finish up opening gifts and play games all afternoon into night.... (PIT, Taboo, Pictionary, Gestures, etc) we have a ball...Everyone plays from the 3 yr old to Poppa. Honestly my kids (as do my brothers/sisters) love Christmas more w/less presents but more time together!

I know it hurts...I have that mother cub 'thing' happen at times...but then I just step back and think about it... usually it looks different after you really think about it.

Hope this is the case for you! You are obviously a great mother!

 

[crisi]

You cannot control the actions of others, you can only control your reaction to them.

Your reaction can be

1) Be hurt. Don't say anything. This is what you've been doing, and it doesn't seem to be working for you.

2) Say something. I wouldn't do it. In the end you'd either hurt his feelings or you wouldn't - and I suspect if he isn't hurt you are back in spot #1. And why would you hurt his feelings.

3) Let it go. This is the only thing you can truly control.

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

No words of wisdom here, but I DO understand your hurt! Been there, felt that! (ouch)

You don't mention, but does your dad treat the other grandchildren the same way? I know my MIL treats my kids (the children of her son) WAY differently than she does her daughters' children ...... but that's another story for another thread. Still painful, though.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Trust me...I know how you feel! My MIL decided this past X-mas to stop giving gifts on a "made up" holiday! We couldn't even visit her over the holiday season as she was ready to share her new found disdain for Xmas(and Christianity ) with my children.

My father and his wife got our girls a pair of pajamas. But they had a full Christmas celebration with his wife's children and grandchildren. My poor brother got nothing. Yet, they bought a new car for my dad's wife's kid! But, I would forgo every present in the world if my children could have a grandparent that cared for and loved them like my grandparents did me. A relationship far outweighs any material gift by a landslide.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I, too, can see and relate completely to where you are coming from. As noted by many others, it wasn't that your children didn't get a gift but that their grandfather didn't seem to express any thoughtfulness toward them at such a special time for them.
We have one grandmother who has been put in a nursing home and is suffering dementia and my children totally understand that she is not at all able to celebrate Christmas with them like she used to and they appreciate just being with her for a little while that day.
However, my father, (who is still running 5K races at 65 years old!) is often guilty of neglecting them out of what I consider to be a general "obliviousness." There's no reason or excuse and I totally understand and appreciate that it's not intentional but the carelessness does hurt sometimes. Our family is also still dealing with the loss of my mom 5 years ago and my father's remarriage and that adds a considerable amount of emotion to the whole situation (that there just isn't enough room on the DIS to even begin to discuss! ). I finally confronted him when he had promised to attend a soccer game for my DS (something he'd never done in 3 years of him playing) and he decided to do something else at the last minute . . . I told him it hurt that I have to beg him to do something that Mom would have done ten times already without even being asked. And, as noted by many, my son got over it in a heartbeat and I of course am still seething!
I still maintain a relationship with him though and try as much as I can to foster one between him and my children and I would advise you do the same though I realize it's never the same. Thoughts are with you!

This sounds so much like what I've gone through. My mother passed away 6 years ago and my dad remarried 10 months after she passed. It must be a guy thing? My mom never would have forgotten or neglected her grandchildren. Unfortunately, she was gone before she even got the chance to meet my two biological daughters.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

i dont think that a grandfather needs to buy their grand children a gift. Christmas is about being together. This is why i really despise the whole christmas thing. I am 35 and just grateful that my grandfather is still alive so my children can know him. He is 82 and has been back and forth into the hosp. WHo knows how long i have with him. HIs income is limited and he has since moved in with my dad so he can take care of him. He was a jainitor and always drove crappy cars. He did what he could to raise his two young boys after his wife died. He doesn't have the money to buy for everyone. its always been my dad and uncle that bought the gifts for him to give people. My sister and I told them to stop doing that since our children get enough. I know my grandfather has always felt funny about it. Honestly my children dont even care. There is no mention of not getting anything from him. People dont owe people presents. That is what is wrong with this society. To me its the quality of time that someone spends with me. I would rather have my family alive and spend time with me and my children than worry about who gave what to whom.

To the OP, did the grandfather give presents to anyone else? I would just let it drop or instead of letting it get built up inside, why dont you ask him if he is financially ok, but don't mention the presents, that sounds pretty selfish.

 

[snomofinn]

Well, first of all I have to say, my DDs don't even have grandfathers. My father died 19 years ago when my oldest was 2, she doesnt remember him, and my FIL died 22 years ago, when I was pregnant with my oldest. Both died from colon cancer. I would give anything for them to be here now with my girls. I could care less if they got them any presents, as long as they were here to spend time with them. I understand that your hurt, but I would not say anything, and be happy he still has his health and is around.

 

[samepoohdifferentday]

In the past I could see that he was thoughtless, and I could get over it.

Now that he is doing the same thing to my kids it is not as easy to let it go.

It is not about the gift. It was about how he made me feel that my kids were not a priority in his life. He made no effort to celebrate Christmas other than to be there to open his gifts. (This makes me feel sad for them, and maybe the little girl inside of me).

I would like to let it go but it is easier said than done.



I have been feeling better since I started this thread. It is great to hear what others think. Especially the ones that are so supportive! But it is also helpful when others share what they have been through too. Thanks.

 

[PaulaSue]

Maybe he can't afford gifts. I wouldn't mention it, IMO

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

My father and his wife got our girls a pair of pajamas. But they had a full Christmas celebration with his wife's children and grandchildren. My poor brother got nothing. Yet, they bought a new car for my dad's wife's kid! But, I would forgo every present in the world if my children could have a grandparent that cared for and loved them like my grandparents did me. A relationship far outweighs any material gift by a landslide.

Ouch. That's so hurtful. Believe me, I know from personal experience! I just don't understand how people can be so lopsided! I would never think of being that way with my kids, or grandkids!

 

[Mousermom]

My father passed away over 4 years ago January 7th after a prolonged illness. My parents divorced when I was a young girl, but my brothers and I always maintained a close relationship with him. At the time of his death, my son was 9 years old. Unfortunately, my dad could not spend as much time as he would have liked with his grandchildren. (My brother's son was 3 years old when he died. My father never got to meet his other 3 grandchildren.)

That last Christmas (which was 2 weeks before he passed) my father sent me a box of baklava (Greek pastry) by mail order. Also, he sent my son a remote controlled car that was way too young for him. At the time, I actually complained about these gifts. I said, "What is he thinking?" "When did he ever know me to eat baklava?" I actually thew the pastry away.

Looking back now, I would have cherished the gift that he gave me. Also, my son still has the car my father gave him. It is sitting on a shelf in his room. He is now almost 13 years old, and no one is allowed to touch that car.

Talk to your dad. I complained to everyone else about the gifts, but I didn't tell him how I felt. I think I only talked to my dad one more time before he died. I would give anything to hear his laugh again.

Life is too short. Forgive him.

 

[Reagan&Co.]

Is it possible he could have forgotten? In his head he may have brought something and forgot to give it out, or he thinks maybe he already gave it? As folks get older, their thinking gets more scattered. Since you don't get to see each other that much, that kind of thing may be happening more in his life.
I am glad you got to spend Christmas with him, though. It's important for him and your kids, because grandparents don't live forever.

 

[dogluva]

i dont think that a grandfather needs to buy their grand children a gift. Christmas is about being together. This is why i really despise the whole christmas thing. I am 35 and just grateful that my grandfather is still alive so my children can know him. He is 82 and has been back and forth into the hosp. WHo knows how long i have with him. HIs income is limited and he has since moved in with my dad so he can take care of him. He was a jainitor and always drove crappy cars. He did what he could to raise his two young boys after his wife died. He doesn't have the money to buy for everyone. its always been my dad and uncle that bought the gifts for him to give people. My sister and I told them to stop doing that since our children get enough. I know my grandfather has always felt funny about it. Honestly my children dont even care. There is no mention of not getting anything from him. People dont owe people presents. That is what is wrong with this society. To me its the quality of time that someone spends with me. I would rather have my family alive and spend time with me and my children than worry about who gave what to whom.

To the OP, did the grandfather give presents to anyone else? I would just let it drop or instead of letting it get built up inside, why dont you ask him if he is financially ok, but don't mention the presents, that sounds pretty selfish.

I agree. This is such a great post on so many levels. I lost my father when I was twelve. I cannot remember a single gift he gave me. He probably didn't give me one. I didn't care. I miss just being with him. Heck, he didn't even take me anywhere. However, I remember playing cards with him, riding bikes, and just hanging out in my grandmother's pool.

Get over it. I find it hard to believe your kids mentioned it to you. Red flag alert if they did. You may want to rethink how you celebrate Christmas.

It is now February. Call up your father and tell him you love him. I would give anyting to be able to do this.

 

[mpls_mm]

Sometimes there are other issues, like health or financial. We have this issue with my mom (health) and FIL (health and financial). We get additional gifts every year for birthdays and holidays, just in case. If the person shows up or sends a gift I save it for the next time. I just don't want to put anyone out or have my mom using medication money for gifts (she will do that, sometimes I have to buy toiletries because she bought something for my brother) We have done this for years, and no one has ever been offended. I know the dollar store was suggested, but little ones are sometimes too little to appreciate the thought. My mom has seen her little jigsaw puzzles put aside over larger gifts and I wanted to spare any hurt feelings. Once FIL won one of those grocery store drawings and won a fancy go-kart and gave it to my son because he hadn't bought him anything for a while, we were very surprised but it made us realize that he always thought about our son, but didn't have the means. he could have easily sold that go-kart, but he didn't. You can't guess what is in peoples heads. For the record he always bought gifts for his other grandkids but they have materialistic parents and if he showed up empty handed for their house, he would not get a second invite. I am glad he knows we only want his company.