OT Stingy Grandfather

[samepoohdifferentday]

My Dad doesn't have a lot of money but this year at Christmas he didn't get my DDs (4 and 8) anything for Christmas. Not even a card. I don't expect much, but a small gift would have been thoughtful. (We put thought into his gift.)

I am not upset that my DH and I didn't get anything but I am upset that my kids didn't.

I don't seem to be able to get past this. I am still upset about it. (The kids mentioned it on Christmas but they haven't mentioned it since. I am sure they haven't given it another thought.)

I have not spoken to him since Christmas but I am not sure what to do the next time I do speak to him. Should I tell him I am upset and to make it up to them, or is it too late and I should just forget it, or what? He lives a few hours away so we don't see him much. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

Any advice?

 

[MRYPPNS]

Sometimes kids have more wisdom than adults:

(The kids mentioned it on Christmas but they haven't mentioned it since. I am sure they haven't given it another thought.)

Maybe it was his way of saying that he doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore.

 

[danx2plus3more]

did he call and wish you a merry christmas??? last time i checked christmas wasnt about gift giving...i would let it go

 

[samepoohdifferentday]

We spent the afternoon with him (and the rest of my family) on Christmas day.

I guess your right - Christmas isn't about gifts. I guess it should just be about spending time together. But it is something we have always done.

I think I am taking it too personally. Like, he doesn't care enough about me to get my kids something for Christmas. (pretty immature, I know) I am just having a hard time with it.

 

[a1tinkfans]

We spent the afternoon with him (and the rest of my family) on Christmas day.

I guess your right - Christmas isn't about gifts. I guess it should just be about spending time together. But it is something we have always done.

I think I am taking it too personally. Like, he doesn't care enough about me to get my kids something for Christmas. (pretty immature, I know) I am just having a hard time with it.

Well, I can "hear" the pain behind your post, and I'm sorry that it still bothers you. No answers here, but a hug

Reminds us once again how (all) actions and words truly effect our lives!

 

[danx2plus3more]

it is hard...i do understand..and i am sorry it hurt you...

 

[PA Princess]

I can totally understand how hurtful this would be, and especially when it involves a potential snub of our precious babies - brings out the mama bear in me!

But then I have to also see it from a slightly different perspective because my 4 kids have no grandfathers...my father passed when I was a teen and we lost dh's dad when our oldest was 2. I often feel sad that my kids do not have a grandfather. Even a mediocre grandpa I would be glad for.

Grandmother's they have - my mom is the most awesome grandma ever, but dh's mother is...shall we say luke warm at best. It really annoys me that she is throwing away with both hands what I know others (like our fathers) would have cherished. But she is the way she is and the kids have never known her any other way so they are fine with it.

With all of that said, I would encourage you to treasure what is good in the relationship your kids have with your dad and ignore the bad (assuming no harm is involved).

 

[samepoohdifferentday]

I feel so awkward and embarrassed about it.

Their other grandfather (DH side) was having heart surgery the week before Christmas and he still managed to think about them.

And I know that C-mas isn't about gifts, but it's hard to tell that to a 4 year old. They are not spoiled kids (We give them 3 gifts to represent the original 3 Christmas gifts). Am I talking like a spoiled brat? I am afraid I might be.

I'm sure that time will give me the perspective I need to see that this is not that bad. There are much worse situations.

But it is still weighing heavily on my mind and I just need to figure out how to get past it.

I am not usually so hard on myself about things. Ugh - how can a 40 year old woman be so easily upset by her father...

Thanks for your replies. It is helping just to get things out.

 

[dis-happy]

You said in your first post that he doesn't have a lot of money. Is it possible that things are financially worse for him than you realized? Heating costs are up, insurance costs are up, gas prices are up. Maybe he's feeling bad about no gifts either and didn't know how to bring it up. Try to remember that a long term relationship with someone you love is worth a lot more than gifts.

 

[samepoohdifferentday]

My dad and I don’t have a close relationship, but I would like to have some kind of relationship with him for the sake of the family and my kids.

(I can understand that money is tight. I could point out that he still spends money on cigarettes and alcohol, but that is rather petty.)

I just felt like no effort was made on his part.

I am afraid that I am going to just accept that he is a selfish person. I know this is the wrong attitude to take, but it might be the way I get past it.

(sigh) Maybe I need therapy…

 

[2Kds2K9]

Been there, over that. DH's Dad was the very same way. In fact, both his parents were. But, the last Christmas we spent with Grandpop, we had him here and he sat and watched the kids open presents, watched as my Dad came over and gave them a present, and did absolutely nothing. Now, as most men are, he's not one to really "think" about extended family. But I would have thought that he would have handed the kids a few dollars and said Merry Christmas.

Yet, the next year he went to SIL's for Christmas and made a huge effort to get presents for her kids. Was I hurt. You betcha. But, I've gotten over it and just keep thinking that the time he did not spend with his Grandkids was his loss and not ours. My kids are so loved by me and my DH that I hope they don't feel the loss of the love of a Grandparent.

I could go on and on about my IL's and lack of presents or acknowlegement of holidays and b-days. But again, I just look at it as a loss on their part and not ours. My kids have the love and support of my family and a whole bunch of friends.

Hope you can over come this and just let it go. Too many other things in life to worry about.

Good luck!

 

[Steph9072]

First off I am so sorry this happened I am sure it was hurtful.

Have you asked him why? Maybe he was short on money. Maybe he was being a man. The men I know are not he best at buying or remembering to buy gifts be it Christmas, Birthday or anniversary. Like pp said he may be trying to say he doesn't want to exchange again.


Again I am sorry this is happening

 

[RMulieri]

I am so sorry for you..I know how you feel though.Both of my brothers never remember my daughters bday( dec 26) or even acknowledge her on xmas..and I always acknowledge their kids.It doesn't bother her( she is only 4) but it hurts me ..can totally understand

 

[ballle_98]

I have to comment on this. I don't know the whole situation or the people involved obviously. But I do think that a grandfather should buy his grandchildren a gift or get them a card. It really conveys an attitude of not caring. Every town in America has a Walmart or a Dollar store of some sort. It's not about the money. I think you need to ask him what his motives were. If it's that he doesn't want to exchange gifts he needs to come right out and say that.
To the poster that said that sometimes children have more wisdom than adults... no adults are more aware of people's character than children are. Obviously, the original poster is aware of her father's character and the fact that he choses beer and smokes over his grandkids tells her that she and her children are not a priority. That is like a slap in the face to anyone.
So, to the poster that said, "last time I checked christmas wasnt about gift giving", you are right, this situation is about waaay more than gift giving. It's about a grandpa who has his priorities out of whack and is selfish, bottom line.
And finally, as I conclude, to the original poster... I can completely understand how this would hurt you and I am sorry that this happened. It's not a b&w issue. You are not immature... you are a daughter who has been let down by her father and that is not easy to get over.
I think some people don't get it because they like to simplify people and situations down to "this is right, that is wrong".

 

[bellebud]

I totally understand you being hurt. You're not acting like a spoiled brat either... you're clearly stating it's not about the actual "gift" they get, it's about the thought.

It is possible times are tough and he doesn't have any extra cash, and would feel funny just giving a card. Even though it's worse to give nothing, maybe he didn't know what to do... funny story... when I was pregnant w/ dd (our first - and I had 2 m/c's before her), I kept telling dh that I would love him to think of something to 'give' me in the hospital for her birth... before anyone jumps on me - I didn't mean a real 'present' and I explained this to him, but literally anything... a single flower he picked on the side of the road (which he actually used to do when we were dating, and i'd put them in a dixie cup), and i would save it in her baby book... or a teeny tiny stuffed animal I'd put in her nursery and always save, or a little necklace w/ her birthstone for her when she's a little older (my dh is a jeweler), or a special picture frame for her nursery - you get the idea... it was the thought, not the gift... so her birth comes and goes, and a few weeks later I ask him kiddingly 'so, I guess you forgot the *gift*? and he says 'I thought and thought, but nothing I thought of was good enough for you and her'... so I said "nothing was good enough for us, so you got us nothing???"... all this was said in good humor, and I really didn't care about any present. It was just such a typical male thing, and I always tease dh about typical male things, and he always laughingly agrees. But the point is, sometimes men just don't think the way women do, even when we lay it all out for them, clear as day.

I hope that was the case w/ your dad - that typical male thinking, or lack of thinking... and if it wasn't, I do feel bad for you, and I would feel hurt too, whether it's right or wrong. We can't help how we feel. But other posters are right to say to try to let it go. easy to say, hard to do. I've gotten very upset at family members who have forgotten my kids bdays, or not gotten them anything on christmas. And before anyone says again "it's not about the gift"... at christmas, we're all exchanging gifts, and if my kids don't get one but others are getting one, it IS about the gifts - the gift becomes a symbol - that the person thought about the other person. No one is saying it's the cost of the gift. If everyone in the family agrees to not exchange gifts, that's different, but I don't know even one family who doesn't exchange gifts at christmas. I'm sure there are some out there, but it's not common.

hope you feel better about this... don't know how to tell you to do this though.

 

[bubba]

No words of wisdom here unfortunately. My MIL is the same way. She has never given either of my boys (her only grandkids, by the way) a gift (birthday or Christmas) or even a card. My boys are 9 and 5 and thankfully still want to visit her (she lives 8 hours drive north of us). As a PP said, every town has a dollar store or a WalMart. A couple dollars for a greeting card and a stamp wouldn't blow the budget. It bothers me (maybe too much sometimes) but I don't show any disrespect for her in front of the boys. I think that is probably most important.

 

[ENSOCK]

I don't blame you in the least. You are right, he could have gotten them a card atleast. Dh's father lives less than 5 miles from my father, and never sees his grandchildren. My dad gets my boys every week and calls them every night. We never heard from his father unless he needs something. When my youngest turned 5 we had a little get together and both grandfathers were there. You could really see the difference then. My boys ran to my dad and talked to him all day, but Dh's father they told hello and didn't speak to him the rest of the day. He gave my son a $10.00 bill. I told DS "baby what do you say to paw?" He looked at him and said" My other paw gave me 20.00" Out of the mouth of babes!! I corrected him but trust me it took all I had!
Look at it this way, he is missing out not your boys! Therapy might be helpful to you if you can't seem to get past it. Pixie dust & !

 

[Kanga1]

How old is your dad? Would it be possible he "forgot?" My mom forgot our anniversary this year and was a red flag for us. Since then we've been noticing a LOT of forgetfulness. I'm sure she would have forgotten to get DD a Chrismtas gift had we not bought it ourselves, wrapped it, and signed the card from her. (She did reimburse us but wasn't necessary.)

Just a thought.

 

[DevilDuckie]

What you're upset about is not stinginess, but thoughtlessness. You don't care about the money, you care about the gesture being made which is totally different and, to my mind, much more important.

You cannot really tell him to make it up to the kids. As sad as it is, he does get to choose how much time and energy to spend on them. You can tell him they were hurt but he'll likely take it badly and assume it's a gift grab. It's unfortunate, but there's not really a good way to broach this subject.

My Dad doesn't have a lot of money but this year at Christmas he didn't get my DDs (4 and 8) anything for Christmas. Not even a card. I don't expect much, but a small gift would have been thoughtful. (We put thought into his gift.)

I am not upset that my DH and I didn't get anything but I am upset that my kids didn't.

I don't seem to be able to get past this. I am still upset about it. (The kids mentioned it on Christmas but they haven't mentioned it since. I am sure they haven't given it another thought.)

I have not spoken to him since Christmas but I am not sure what to do the next time I do speak to him. Should I tell him I am upset and to make it up to them, or is it too late and I should just forget it, or what? He lives a few hours away so we don't see him much. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

Any advice?

 

[Allison]

I appear to be in the minority here, but I think you need to get over it. I've never understood why people get so hung up on gifts and who gives them. The amount of posts on the community board after Christmas on this subject was shocking to me. When did it become all about gifts?

I know my parents and my mother-in-law love my family. I don't expect or need gifts from them to show it. Material items are not a measure of love or how much someone thinks of you.

Just my 2 cents.