OT: Son is flunking college, and I'm SO upset!

[Pooh_Friend#1]

What my parents did when I went to college was make me believe that I was paying for college so I had to take out student loans. I wanted to make sure I would do a great job because I didn't want to pay to take the same class over because I saw that as a waste of money. When I graduated from college my parents paid off all of my student loans as my gift.

 

[JamesMom]

I was the slacker kid who turned out alright. Here's a history:
Graduate high school with a C+/B- average.
Went to college. First semester got a 1.07 (yes that is point ZERO seven )
Mom said that was the Freebie semester - only get one.
Next semester got a 2.5. Third semester - partied hard, skipped classes. Truly my fault. Failed a class. Didn't want to be in school. Mom said done.

I got my own apartment, a full-time job at 7-11 and paid my way through tech school. Got an 'okay' job with benefits. Bored.

Later returned to University - got a degree seven years after high school grad on student loans & military (national guard)
Got a master's degree with a 3.9 GPA. (paid for with military grant)
Got a job paying good money.

Sometimes the kid isn't ready, but is capable. There is hope. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[penn19]

Okay, this is completely off-topic I guess...other than the fact that I've wasted college tuition money for literally nothing.

DS graduated from high school this Spring. He wasn't a stellar student, but he did graduate with a B average. He enrolled at the local community college and took a total of 5 classes (16 hours) this fall. He ended up dropping his Chemistry class (and associated lab) a few weeks ago because he said he had no possible chance of passing it. A few days ago, he springs on me that there's no possible way he can pass his Math course, and will have to retake it. (He even had a tutor for the Math course.) 30 minutes ago, he calls me from school, and tells me he needs to change his schedule for next semester, because he's going to flunk his English course too. These weren't even super-hard classes that he dropped/flunked. The Chemistry course was equivalent to one he could have (should have) taken in high school. The Math course was actually a remedial, and won't even count toward a degree. The English course was just your normal Freshman English.

So, basically he started off with 5 classes, dropped 1, flunked 2, and will (hopefully) pass the other 2. The other 2 aren't even difficult classes (Public Speaking and Medical Terminology).

I'm at my wit's end with this kid. I've been asking him all semester long how he's doing in his classes, and the response is always "fine". College isn't like high school, where you can call up or email your kid's instructors to check up on them. Supposedly, he's an mature adult, and is entitled to the responsibilities and privacy of an adult...and mommy can't check up on him.

He works a part-time job, but only works about 20-22 hours per week, which pays for his car, gas, and a portion of his car insurance. I'm not sure that cutting back on his hours would even help, since he doesn't seem to study that much at home anyway.

I already told him (when he dropped the Chemistry course a few weeks ago) that I would NOT pay for the class a second time. Sorry, but it's a one-time deal...either you pass, or you pay for it the next time around. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

At this point, I'm just totally furious and upset. I "need" him to be a full-time student, because of health insurance. I can't afford to pay $600+ a month for Cobra coverage if he isn't a full-time student. But at this point, college is seeming like it's a total waste for him. He obviously doesn't appreciate the chances he is being given.

Other than the minimum wage job he's already got, he's not qualified to do much of anything. What is his life going to come to?

Grrrrr! Sorry, this was more of a vent post than anything. I need to get some of this off my mind before he comes home and I totally blow up at him. Sorry for any typos...I don't think well when I'm angry.

Ok, I could have written this vent! And I don't know that I have any answers for you other than to offer you my sympathies. My son is in his 2nd year of college. 2nd year, but not really his Sophomore year. He graduated high school with a low B average, and he only enrolled in the local community college to get my husband and I off his back I think. Failed remedial math twice, dropped speech, dropped something else and was on academic probabtion this semester. He is such a good kid, doesn't give me any troubles (other than that) but I know that college is not right for him, but I think how difficult it is not to have that degree. I partly blame the schools for only giving the kids the spiel of everyone is able to go to college, thats all they prepare t hem for. And you know what? Some kids are NOT college material no matter what the schools say. But it's almost like they admit defeat if they dont' get the kid into college.
I would love to see what the actual college graduate rate is for these kids. The local high school here might have a high rate of kids GOING to college, but how many actually graduate?
And be prepared to hear people tell you that "wow! Really, your kid isn't doing well? Well, let me tell you how well MY kid is doing" They don't get it.

 

[tinkarooni]

I didn't read the whole thread, sorry, I'm time crunched, but wanted to tell you what happened to me. Same thing. I was not into it, went to community college, parents paid, wasn't really interested. Pretty much flunked out. My parents stopped paying and said either I get a job with health insurance or I pay for school myself.

Funny thing was my parents didn't think I could find a job. But it's interesting what a kid can do when "really" motivated. I had no abilities or talent so I got a job for an insurance company answering the phones earning a stellar $15,000 a year (thought that was great ) and full health benefits. Never went back to college and now about gosh, 19 years later, I have a very good job in the insurance industry and make well above the average American.

Your son needs to find his path. Your way (college) was the path of least resistance so he did it. IMHO don't pay his way anymore and he'll find his way. Of course as a Mom too, I know it will be the hardest thing you ever did. Good Luck!

 

[Jeninindy]

First, many hugs to you!!! When my mom told me, "little kids-little problems, big kids-big problems," in relation to raising your children, she wasn't kidding.

I also have a son who just turned 20. He is a sophomore at IU and was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in 5th grade. We (and I do mean we) struggled through preschool, elementary school and middle school. High school was a easier, as some light clicked on his head and he graduated with a 3.3 GPA.

Fast forward - the first semester of college was wonderful (12 credits) and he had a 3.7 GPA. He worked 20 hours - 25 hours a week at his part time job as well.

Second semester got harder and more stressful -he was taking 15 credit hours. He ended up failing his Calculus class and his confidence in himself was very bruised. I know how hard he worked that semester too. He worked 20 hours a week at his part time job.

Fast forward to the current semester - he signed up for 16 credit hours, including a 1 credit mentoring class that was required for a scholarship he received for being part of the Orientation team (Wonderful, fantastic thing for him and changed the way he can interact with people) He mentored a freshman class, which required time and planning as well. Because of the college work load, he dropped his working hours to 8 hours a week.

Well, we have figured out that anything more than 12 credits is more than his Aspie brain can keep in line. He ended up dropping an Economics class and should end up with B's and a C's this semester.

Next semester, he has only registered for 13 credit hours.


I believe that will make a difference for him. If it takes him an extra year to finish college, so be it. I remember when he was kid wondering if he would ever be able to tackle college, now I know he can, it just won't be on the same time line as others.

Hopefully, a light clicks on for your son next semester and he does better - the atmosphere of college is very different and may be overwhelming and making it difficult for him to relate to his peers there. See if the college has an adaptive services center, they may be able to provide some assistance with the transition.

Good Luck with everything.

 

[penn19]

Um...guess it depends on where you are. Here, kids coming from the CC system are woefully under-prepared, and our U. kids know to take their math and science courses at the CC if they want to coast.... As profs, we call CC 13th and 14th grade.

So I guess anyone that goes to CC is a dumb s***, correct? I am sure that makes all the current and former students of a CC feel really good right now.

 

[DisneyLover83]

So I guess anyone that goes to CC is a dumb s***, correct? I am sure that makes all the current and former students of a CC feel really good right now.

In my opinion it can vary by the school, I don't think this poster means every single CC. Heck, in Memphis the 4 year university is know locally as Tiger High! Most freshman and sophomore classes are a joke. The local CC is even worse, but where I live now, in Charlotte, it is very different. The local CC and University are both seen as great schools with challenging curriculum.

 

[tinkermom23]

Um...guess it depends on where you are. Here, kids coming from the CC system are woefully under-prepared, and our U. kids know to take their math and science courses at the CC if they want to coast.... As profs, we call CC 13th and 14th grade.

Does this mean you are a Professor at a University? I'm glad my college professors aren't so openly critical of one who makes other educational choices.

 

[Planogirl]

I wish that people wouldn't paint all CC's with the same broad brush. We have an excellent CC system here and the courses seem to transfer just fine.

Anyway, when I started college I took just two courses since I was just going part-time. They were both 2 hour credit course so I should have breezed through them. I just about failed because college was so different than what I expected. I learned that I needed to do things differently and was (mostly) just fine after that.

Oh before anyone makes any comments, this was at a regular college not a CC. Not that I see why that matters.

 

[mrsklamc]

Just a couple of points on how widely varied the Community College experience can be; For reference, I have attended Community College, 4 year private and 4 year public university.

Bumbershoot mentioned not having heard of a CC with dorms. Not only do some have dorms, they have full sports programs, etc. It varies GREATLY.

All 3 experiences were all over the map in terms of how difficult the classes were. Probably my most demanding class was Western Civ at community college-taught by a retired professor from Catholic American University in Washington DC. At the same CC I had several classes taught by the retired dean of a law school. At private school I had a class we referred to as 'story time.' Plus- the private school attended by dear BIL pretty much facilitated him turning into the loser he is today. So, caveat emptor. Find out as much as you can about the schools you are looking into and see which is best, rather than assuming that more $$$ = better.

 

[mrsklamc]

Oh yes, know the lingo as well- if your kid plans on transferring, know the "matriculation agreement" between your CC and the 4 year school.

#1 thing I wish I had known about paying for college? cofo.edu.
You have to work, but if you can get in, it's free, and it's a well respected education.

 

[Dizneydawn]

Hi!

I first want to start out by saying I may not be the most popular person here after what I write but I do have a son, 19 as of today, who is not the hottest student either. So I do understand from a very personal level and have some input that might be against some of the thoughts posted but arrived at with experience.

My son was tested in elementary and middle school for dyslexia. Nothing found but his test results showed he was a visual learner and auditory learner.

His reading has also improved as he aged. He can read at an appropriate level but he cannot understand what he reads most of the time. If I read to him or he read aloud - he got it. Silent reading - no chance in heck. In fact it puzzled the people performing the tests on him when he was younger because he is brilliant. His IQ scores show that. But his grades, not so much.

I spoke with a teacher once who put it in context that I hope you all appreciate.

"School is for squirrels. If you are a squirrel you are going to do fine. If you are a rabbit, you're screwed."

Schools teach one way and not all students learn that same way. Maybe your son is not able to thrive in a lecture, self discipline, homework style.

My son is at a 4 year NCAA division II school. Small school. 28 students top in a class to help him not get distracted. He is worried he will not get higher than a C in a basic psych class. His major is graphic art. In one art class he has an A. That one is more about sculpture and physical art. In his second art class, he has a C. That class is 1/2 lecture and details about brushes and termanology.

He also dropped a math class because he had no chance of passing, even with an extra study class added to help in it.

So do I get your frusteration. Yes. Do I want my son to not struggle and me not to have to worry about classses and him passing, yes.

Is that a reality. Probably not.

I know your son is a bit older but he has some factors that will contribute to his success in a classroom. We can't ignore that. I am sure he is aware he is socially different and the fact he works 20 hours a week is commendable. There are kids with no difficulties in their life who can't hold 16 credits and a part time job. Whether it impacts him or not, or how much I do not know. Him being tired, having to re-group after work to get in the study mode etc., might be difficult for him. I can't presume to know how your son's brain works or what he struggles with.

I can tell you for myself though, I had to get to the point my son's senior year where I had to let go. Let go of feeling responsible for his grades and let go of being responsible for his future. I give him advice, suggestions but no more carrying the anger you do over something I have no control over. I used to micromanage his grades until his senior year. It did no good. He needed to own it and be responsible to himself.

I know you wrote college was not like high school where as a parent you have rights to know how he is doing. I get that 100%. I wish i could sneak a peek into his life in college. The question though is how much of his B's in HS was from you encouraging him to get studying for a test you knew of or turn homework in he was missing or you knew of. How much of those B's were driven by you or were driven by him? I again, have no clue what your truth is. For me - it drove a wedge between us that I needed to tear down.

I had to decide a relationship with him is more important than a report card with A's or B's on it hanging on the fridge.

My son is gifted. Just in other avenues than myself. I had to accept that and embrace it and encourage it. He can create beautiful designs and drawings and I cannot draw a stick person. He walks into a room and people literally flock to him. He has that prescence and social grace just naturally that I had to fight for. He is a goalie for soccer and was recruited to play at a higher level than most kids or adults could dream of and that means he has focus and has drive. Maybe not in what I thought he would have but then again I was the last picked in gym every day.

You said he loves video games. Maybe that could be a source of income for him. There is huge money to be made in the inductry of gaming design and graphics. Is there a technical school he could visit and talk to a professor about what options are out there for work and schooling in that field? Maybe having a pasion for that and love of the result would help steer himself towards success.

Help him know that you believe in him and you want him to be the best at what he can be and loves. Because if he doesn't love it, it will never matter.

I can tell you that just this fall at my 15 year college graduating class reunion, 90% of the people were doing nothing with their degree. That is not uncommon.

I agree that letting him have the responsibility of paying his bills if he does not go further is what I would do as well. If college is not my kids thing, that is okay but nobody lives for free.

I do not agree with the "tell him to join the military" route. I love the military. Was just at a Marine recruiting station visiting my sons BF who is back from basic. The military though is just like college or any career. It has to be something the person wants. The military should not be used as a threat or ultimatum because in the end, our kids are dying overseas everyday. If they choose to risk their lives, than that is a choice they alone must decide upon. You can give them the options, but I don't want to think some son, daughter, brother, sister or friend ended up giving their life for you or I because they couldn't get a decent grade in college.

I have 2 cousins who went to West Point and many family members in the military and I can't imagine a one of them would want the guy or gal watching their back to be someone forced into that situation.

I know you worry about health insurance, but I am here to tell you that just because you have it, doesn't mean it is goinbg to protect him. My youngest son was burned ina fire at a friend's home last Halloween. Guess what? I had insurance and because it was at another person's home, I am fighting with my insurance carrier now over the homeowners liability policy. Right now I am sitting at $320,000 in medical debt in my name until we settle in court and there is no guarantee I won't be stuck with it in the end. So is health insurance good to have, yes, but if he doesn't, hospitals will work with him on a payment plan and he could aply for hel through scholarships etc. they have for people in financial hardships.

I guess to end my novel, I want you to know I believe you love your son. If you did not you wouldn't care so much. It took almost loosing my youngest, to realise what I was so stressed out about for my oldest, wasn't what I wanted to be the memory my kids have of their Mom. The one who was flipping out over a D like it was the end of the world. Because it wasn't. It was a D. I also did not want my memories of my time with my kids to be over what went wrong and not what went right. As long as they are respectful, caringa and compassionate human beings, I am a success.

Your son will do well. He came from you and you have instilled in him the responsibilities of being a successful adult. It just might take a different path then the one he is on.

I am hoping I was able to help in some way - it just made me sad for you and him. You both deserve to be happy this Holiday Season and I hope you both can find some peace.

 

[rantnnravin]

Okay CC professor here...

FERPA - Family Education Rights Protection Act

If your DS signs paperwork at the registrars office he can allow you access to his progress, grades etc. I have many a student who sign the paper, because the parents say I am paying I want to know about failing grades before they happen. The school can't even admit he attends unless it is signed

I don't bring this up to have you go behind DS's back, but at our school, we have an Advising Center. I have had students on academic probation that talk to the advisors with their parents - sometimes the students are taking courses that would be better if taken in a different order.

My last comment, is tell your DS we professors are people too...talk to us! I may think you understand a topic because when I look at you, you are nodding your head. If you have no clue, send me an e-mail, talk to me before of after class. Ask for help.

I love my job, teaching is so rewarding. At a CC there is a great mix of students.

So glad PP brought this up. Another thing to consider: Did your son have an IEP with test mods, etc.? If so, they won't automatically give them to him in college - HE must ask for them (self-advocate). I remembered hearing that at a CSE and PP reminded me. Things like time & a half, grammar/spelling waived, or use of calculator could make all the difference.

 

[tinkermom23]

Hi!

"School is for squirrels. If you are a squirrel you are going to do fine. If you are a rabbit, you're screwed."

YES!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I didn't read the whole thread, sorry, I'm time crunched, but wanted to tell you what happened to me. Same thing. I was not into it, went to community college, parents paid, wasn't really interested. Pretty much flunked out. My parents stopped paying and said either I get a job with health insurance or I pay for school myself.

Funny thing was my parents didn't think I could find a job. But it's interesting what a kid can do when "really" motivated. I had no abilities or talent so I got a job for an insurance company answering the phones earning a stellar $15,000 a year (thought that was great ) and full health benefits. Never went back to college and now about gosh, 19 years later, I have a very good job in the insurance industry and make well above the average American.

Your son needs to find his path. Your way (college) was the path of least resistance so he did it. IMHO don't pay his way anymore and he'll find his way. Of course as a Mom too, I know it will be the hardest thing you ever did. Good Luck!

unfortunately it is a much more intense job market now. I've seen phd's applying for bs positions. i've hired bs's for the most basic jobs. the world is a totally different place than it was 15 ears ago.

the exceptions are fields that take apprenticeships. i know locally the pipefitters are desperate, will train, and end the program able to support a family.

 

[dislvr74]

I work at a 4 year state university and see a lot of students just like your son. Our AS students need a lot of help planning balanced schedules that are challenging, but fit their learning styles. Please make sure that your son is talking with an academic advisor, preferably one whose primary role is advising.

I see a lot of students on academic probation after their first semester because they never learned how to study in high school. They get overwhelmed and just give up. Your son needs some sort of study skills program to help him learn how to learn.

Don't give up on him yet-it's only been one semester and hopefully it has been his wake-up call!

 

[kmvand1]

Hate to tell you but he probably wants to go to Comm. College for one or more reasons:

a) To goof off cause he doesn't think he has to take it seriously

b) Because other "slacker" friends are attending CC too. I first put loser friends, but maybe slacker is a better term.

c) To live at home for free and be able to go out and party all he wants.

d) To put off dealing with growing up.

I see this all the time around where I live. So many kids without ambition and aren't pushed by their parents. Sure, some kids aren't quite ready for college. But I know that the #1 reason kids around here don't go away is because of C.

Um actually, no those are not qualities my son posesses, sorry. He has never been a partier, usually that's what universities are famous for if I remember correctly. Most of his "slacker" friends are going away to college, as is his girlfriend a national honor society member and president of her class.

You may want to lighten up on your negative comments before posting them, I take it you are maybe speaking from experience??

 

[kmvand1]

Does this mean you are a Professor at a University? I'm glad my college professors aren't so openly critical of one who makes other educational choices.

What's they saying? Those who can do, those who can't - teach??

 

[DISdreamin']

You may want to lighten up on your negative comments before posting them, I take it you are maybe speaking from experience??

Ummm...pot, kettle, black?

I'll post my thoughts later when I have more time, but I'll second what someone said earlier about having him talk to an academic advisor, or even a professional counselor, at his community college. It might even be worthwhile seeing if there is a disability services office at his CC and speaking to them about AS. They may have experience and/or suggestions about how to make the transition easier and more successful for him.

 

[DISdreamin']

What's they saying? Those who can do, those who can't - teach??

Wow, that's harsh! I know it is an old saying, but I guess that Ph.D. means I'm an idiot only qualified to drone endlessly at students because I don't know and/or know how?! Perhaps it never occurs to people that some people WANT to teach - in fact, love it? It isn't a fall-back for me, it's what I love!