OT: Son is flunking college, and I'm SO upset!

[Irin997]

Sometimes I feel that way about my son too. He jsu turned 18 and is a senior. He has 3 classes this semester, we work on the block schedule, so he has auto mechanics and history, then gets home at 1:30. He has always just done what he needs to get by, barely. I wanted him to apply to colleges and go away to school, he wants to go to the local community college. As far as sending him the military? Um, NOT! With the state of the world and all of these troops being sent to Afghanastan, I think not.

Hate to tell you but he probably wants to go to Comm. College for one or more reasons:

a) To goof off cause he doesn't think he has to take it seriously

b) Because other "slacker" friends are attending CC too. I first put loser friends, but maybe slacker is a better term.

c) To live at home for free and be able to go out and party all he wants.

d) To put off dealing with growing up.

I see this all the time around where I live. So many kids without ambition and aren't pushed by their parents. Sure, some kids aren't quite ready for college. But I know that the #1 reason kids around here don't go away is because of C.

 

[tink_lover]

College isn't for everyone. I have 2 brothers who went and graduated and 2 who did not. The 2 who did have great jobs but guess what, the one who makes the most is the youngest one who never graduated from college. He went into security and is making 6 figures. The other one went for about 3 years but never finished and he does well working a computer job.

FWIW, I'd be really happy if one of my kids wanted to go into vocational school. My mom just had to pay a plumber $100 an hour to do some work around her house.

 

[girli565]

I also agree with maybe sending him to a vocational school where he will learn a trade would probably be best.

I love school and college was amazing for me but I can understand why someone would do poorly in it. It's not for everyone, not everyone does well with the freedom college allows. No one cares if you go to class, no one is going to pull you aside when you're failing half way through the semester. Professors aren't like high school teachers. Maybe he's not ready for that kind of responsibility yet.

Does he want to be a chef, plumber, medical technician? Those are great careers.

 

[crisi]

I took eight to ten credits a semester and worked full time at a four year, not community college, school. It wasn't Stanford, but it was a university. A full time load of sixteen credits at community college should be a piece of cake (around here, there is community college chemistry, liberal arts chemistry - and neither of them will get you into med school, or nursing school, or engineering school - you need to take Chemistry for Science and Technology majors.)

I'd say "well, kid, looks like you aren't ready" and have him get himself a job with insurance (or where he can pay his own major medical). A friend did that with her wayward (very intellegent, not very mature) son, and after two years of working at Starbucks, he was READY to get a college degree.

 

[Calliaz]

I think that a lot of students go through this.

When I was a freshman, I struggled even though I was an excellent student. It wasn't that the classes were too hard, but that I wasn't motivated (I think I was also a bit depressed). I found ways to cope that included having a job in the morning and taking afternoon and night classes (others might need the opposite). Having to be somewhere in the morning first thing was essential because I might just skip otherwise. Even though I was a traditional student, I ended up taking a lot of night classes because they worked the best for me.

Now I teach college classes at the community college level (but online with mostly non-traditional students). I find that the young males tend to be the ones who wash out (and the single moms and military students tend to be successful).

Personally, I wouldn't want him to quit school altogether. I have seen that fail for too many people. I would get him to reduce the course load and then get a part-time job preferably on or near campus. Also, talk to him to make sure he isn't depressed as it's a big life change. Or, if he is feeling burned out or that the work is too hard. Getting to the root of the problem will go a long way.

 

[Calliaz]

As for CC......I think that it has its' place. Some kids just aren't ready for U yet and some need to figure out what they want before heading to U. It may not be as rigorous as U, but it can be a good stepping stone to get you there.

Dawn

There are some people who use community college as a way to continue high school and not grow up. But, there are so many people that it benefits. It isn't just a stepping stone. Here, you can get your LPN and a number of valuable associates degrees. For those people who really aren't a good fit for a 4-year degree from a university, community college is extremely valuable. Also, for the lower division classes it's much cheaper.

The problem is figuring out which category your kid fits in before starting.

 

[sherry7]

Okay, this is completely off-topic I guess...other than the fact that I've wasted college tuition money for literally nothing.

DS graduated from high school this Spring. He wasn't a stellar student, but he did graduate with a B average. He enrolled at the local community college and took a total of 5 classes (16 hours) this fall. He ended up dropping his Chemistry class (and associated lab) a few weeks ago because he said he had no possible chance of passing it. A few days ago, he springs on me that there's no possible way he can pass his Math course, and will have to retake it. (He even had a tutor for the Math course.) 30 minutes ago, he calls me from school, and tells me he needs to change his schedule for next semester, because he's going to flunk his English course too. These weren't even super-hard classes that he dropped/flunked. The Chemistry course was equivalent to one he could have (should have) taken in high school. The Math course was actually a remedial, and won't even count toward a degree. The English course was just your normal Freshman English.

So, basically he started off with 5 classes, dropped 1, flunked 2, and will (hopefully) pass the other 2. The other 2 aren't even difficult classes (Public Speaking and Medical Terminology).

I'm at my wit's end with this kid. I've been asking him all semester long how he's doing in his classes, and the response is always "fine". College isn't like high school, where you can call up or email your kid's instructors to check up on them. Supposedly, he's an mature adult, and is entitled to the responsibilities and privacy of an adult...and mommy can't check up on him.

He works a part-time job, but only works about 20-22 hours per week, which pays for his car, gas, and a portion of his car insurance. I'm not sure that cutting back on his hours would even help, since he doesn't seem to study that much at home anyway.

I already told him (when he dropped the Chemistry course a few weeks ago) that I would NOT pay for the class a second time. Sorry, but it's a one-time deal...either you pass, or you pay for it the next time around. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

At this point, I'm just totally furious and upset. I "need" him to be a full-time student, because of health insurance. I can't afford to pay $600+ a month for Cobra coverage if he isn't a full-time student. But at this point, college is seeming like it's a total waste for him. He obviously doesn't appreciate the chances he is being given.

Other than the minimum wage job he's already got, he's not qualified to do much of anything. What is his life going to come to?

Grrrrr! Sorry, this was more of a vent post than anything. I need to get some of this off my mind before he comes home and I totally blow up at him. Sorry for any typos...I don't think well when I'm angry.

OP here again:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advice and suggestions.

I wrote my initial post in anger (and I'm still angry), but there's a couple of things I didn't mention in that post. First of all, even though DS just graduated high school in the Spring, he just turned 20 years old. So, he's not your typical 17 or 18 year old college freshman. His birthday barely missed the deadline for our school district, so he didn't start Kindergarten until he was almost 6. He had major problems in 1st grade with reading, and I asked (no, actually begged) for him to be held back a year so he could catch up. (BTW, the reading skills are excellent now, thanks to the Hooked on Phonics program we used while he was repeating the 1st grade.)

He was also diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in 7th grade. So, he's definitely not a "social butterfly" at all. Basically, he goes to school and work, comes home, and probably spends too much time playing video games. He doesn't spend any time with the friends he had in high school, doesn't go out partying, etc. He actually only missed 1 day of classes this semester, due to a family emergency. So, he's definitely going to class...just not applying himself outside of the classroom. He had a couple of IQ tests during junior high and high school, and his intelligence is completely normal. So, there's no reason he can't succeed if he WANTS to.

During high school, he had no clue as to what he wanted to do afterwards. He said he wanted to go to college, but didn't know what he was interested in. He decided that he wanted to do the Radiology Tech program at the local CC, which I thought was a great idea, given his personality traits. He hasn't been formally accepted into the program yet, and given his major screw up this semester, will be very fortunate to be.

After he got home today, we set down and had a talk. He admitted that he had been lazy and didn't study enough, and that it was totally different from high school. (Duh!) He basically coasted his way through high school, and still graduated with a B average...although he took very few challenging courses other than some advanced history/social studies courses.

I have to admit...I can relate to what he's going through. I went away to college after high school, on a full ride. I was also used to coasting my way through high school, and not having to study. I went away to college, and fell flat on my face and had a 1.8 GPA for the 1st semester. In my case, I spent too much time partying, skipped too many classes, and spent too much time with my boyfriend. Oh yeah...and I got pregnant with my son near the end of the semester. Anyway, I left college, had him, and spent a couple of years in the real world working full time, raising a kid without his father being in the picture, and paying my bills. When I had the opportunity to go back to college, I managed to stay on the Dean's List that time around while taking 18-20 credits per semester. So, I had a complete attitude adjustment.

Given that I went through a very similar thing my 1st semester of college, I think I need to give him a second chance. He's retaking the English and Math courses next semester, and I made it clear to him that he is responsible for paying me the tuition money back. (It had to be paid last week in order to reserve his schedule for next semester.) I think it's probably best if I work out a payment plan in writing, so he knows I'm serious about it. He's also taking 2 other classes, for a total of 12 credit hours.

I told him that this next semester is his last chance. I'm not paying for any tuition beyond that, if he doesn't get his act together. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying room and board after this semester, unless he's doing satisfactory in school.

A lot of you mentioned the military. Honestly, I think that's a good option for a lot of young men (and women)...but not necessarily for my son, due to his Asperger's Syndrome. Really, I don't even know if he would qualify for any branch of the military, given the fact that he had mental health counseling for Asperger's.

We'll see what happens this next semester. I hope and pray that he has an attitude adjustment, and turns himself around.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

You sound like my mom 15 years ago. I was just like your DS. I dropped more classes than I took, failed most of the others. I don't know about your DS, but I partied WAY too much.

Looking back, I was just too immature and not ready for college. I wasted 3 years at a local college, and lots of my parents money. They finally told me to get to a community college where I could at least get some kind of degree, and I had to pay for it myself---I left w/a 2 year degree 2 years later. 5 years of school for a 2 year degree.

No one could have told me what a mistake I was making wasting all the time and money, I just had to realize it on my own.

I would put him in a Comm. College now.......

 

[bumbershoot]

He wasn't a stellar student, but he did graduate with a B average.

So, basically he started off with 5 classes, dropped 1, flunked 2, and will (hopefully) pass the other 2. The other 2 aren't even difficult classes (Public Speaking and Medical Terminology).

I already told him (when he dropped the Chemistry course a few weeks ago) that I would NOT pay for the class a second time. Sorry, but it's a one-time deal...either you pass, or you pay for it the next time around. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

A B average means ABOVE average. He was a good student, better than many! Don't downplay a B average.

Public Speaking is the hardest class I can think to take. It's impressive that you and he find it easy; I don't. I don't remember a single speech I've ever given b/c I go into some sort of trance and the moment it's over I forget every single thing I said, except for messing up the very end of two of my speeches.

I think it's wrong. I dropped Organic Chem in college (private university, not CC) b/c the curve was so scary I was getting 50% on tests but it was a B-. I had already ruined some clothing in lab because I just didn't understand the chemicals I was working with. It was a drop-pass, but I did have to take the course again...I took it at a different college, though, with a better teacher and NO curve over the following summer, and got an A+ (I had to have the class for chiropractic school).

I also flat out failed Linear Algebra, and had to retake that (got a C, woo!...normally a C was bad, but Linear was ridiculously hard).

If my mom had refused to pay for the associated costs with retaking those, I would have been lost.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Sounds like a perfect candidate for the military, although you probably won't get him to agree with all that is going on in the world right now.

Catching this thread on page 4, but this was the exact right answer for friends of ours. Their son flunked out after his 1st semester, and it was clear that he just wasn't ready for the responsibility of college. Sharp kid, lots of potential, 0 discipline. They walked him down to the Army recruiter's office, and he really blossomed in the military. He ended up making Sergeant, earning his top secret clearance and is now working for an employer in the intelligence field who is paying for him to get his Bachelors and Masters.

As a Dad who's paying for 1 (soon to be 2) college tuitions...I'm not going to pay thousands of dollars/year for college if they're not ready yet. We'll back out and try a different approach. Not everybody's ready for that responsibility at 18.

ETA: Not everyone's cut out for the military, and now that I see your son has AS, that's probably not an option, either. But again I think it can be futile to try and put someone into college right after high school just because that's what folks think is the next step. It's not the next step for everyone.

How about the Disney CareerStart program or something like it?

 

[ADAMANDLISA]

OP here again:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advice and suggestions.

I wrote my initial post in anger (and I'm still angry), but there's a couple of things I didn't mention in that post. First of all, even though DS just graduated high school in the Spring, he just turned 20 years old. So, he's not your typical 17 or 18 year old college freshman. His birthday barely missed the deadline for our school district, so he didn't start Kindergarten until he was almost 6. He had major problems in 1st grade with reading, and I asked (no, actually begged) for him to be held back a year so he could catch up. (BTW, the reading skills are excellent now, thanks to the Hooked on Phonics program we used while he was repeating the 1st grade.)

He was also diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in 7th grade. So, he's definitely not a "social butterfly" at all. Basically, he goes to school and work, comes home, and probably spends too much time playing video games. He doesn't spend any time with the friends he had in high school, doesn't go out partying, etc. He actually only missed 1 day of classes this semester, due to a family emergency. So, he's definitely going to class...just not applying himself outside of the classroom. He had a couple of IQ tests during junior high and high school, and his intelligence is completely normal. So, there's no reason he can't succeed if he WANTS to.

During high school, he had no clue as to what he wanted to do afterwards. He said he wanted to go to college, but didn't know what he was interested in. He decided that he wanted to do the Radiology Tech program at the local CC, which I thought was a great idea, given his personality traits. He hasn't been formally accepted into the program yet, and given his major screw up this semester, will be very fortunate to be.

After he got home today, we set down and had a talk. He admitted that he had been lazy and didn't study enough, and that it was totally different from high school. (Duh!) He basically coasted his way through high school, and still graduated with a B average...although he took very few challenging courses other than some advanced history/social studies courses.

I have to admit...I can relate to what he's going through. I went away to college after high school, on a full ride. I was also used to coasting my way through high school, and not having to study. I went away to college, and fell flat on my face and had a 1.8 GPA for the 1st semester. In my case, I spent too much time partying, skipped too many classes, and spent too much time with my boyfriend. Oh yeah...and I got pregnant with my son near the end of the semester. Anyway, I left college, had him, and spent a couple of years in the real world working full time, raising a kid without his father being in the picture, and paying my bills. When I had the opportunity to go back to college, I managed to stay on the Dean's List that time around while taking 18-20 credits per semester. So, I had a complete attitude adjustment.

Given that I went through a very similar thing my 1st semester of college, I think I need to give him a second chance. He's retaking the English and Math courses next semester, and I made it clear to him that he is responsible for paying me the tuition money back. (It had to be paid last week in order to reserve his schedule for next semester.) I think it's probably best if I work out a payment plan in writing, so he knows I'm serious about it. He's also taking 2 other classes, for a total of 12 credit hours.

I told him that this next semester is his last chance. I'm not paying for any tuition beyond that, if he doesn't get his act together. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying room and board after this semester, unless he's doing satisfactory in school.

A lot of you mentioned the military. Honestly, I think that's a good option for a lot of young men (and women)...but not necessarily for my son, due to his Asperger's Syndrome. Really, I don't even know if he would qualify for any branch of the military, given the fact that he had mental health counseling for Asperger's.

We'll see what happens this next semester. I hope and pray that he has an attitude adjustment, and turns himself around.

That sounds like a great plan!!!

 

[lovesmurfs]

Sounds like you've done everything right. I have no advice for you.

I fear my son may end up like yours...he's just not putting the effort into HS that I think he needs to and his grades show it. I worry that college will be the same.

I've got a similar situation with my DS15. He may actually be considering the military (he picked up information from the guidance office). For my DS, it would be a good place for him to learn.

ETA: Just saw the update. It may be that he can't handle 5 classes, with juggling work and school. As much as high school teachers try to prepare kids for the extra work that college will bring, it doesn't sink in until it happens.

With his age, rather than a traditional college program, you might want to look into an adult education learning degree program. Classes are only six weeks (or so) long, and you only take one class at a time. You also take the whole degree program with the same cohort of adult students, so you know who your classmates are.

 

[tar heel]

Now that you've told us more about your son, I have a little bit of advice. Even though he is still living at home, moving onto to community college meant a lot of changes for him. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that people with Asperger's have trouble keeping a lot of balls in the air at the same time. 16 hours is probably too much for him. It was for my son with AS.

 

[DawnM]

Yes, very true.....I guess I meant that it can be a good stepping stone TO college if necessary and I know many who have successfully gone to 4 year U afterwards and finished. It isn't anything to "put down" I guess what my intent, but you are very correct....there are many things you can get at CC.

Dawn

There are some people who use community college as a way to continue high school and not grow up. But, there are so many people that it benefits. It isn't just a stepping stone. Here, you can get your LPN and a number of valuable associates degrees. For those people who really aren't a good fit for a 4-year degree from a university, community college is extremely valuable. Also, for the lower division classes it's much cheaper.

The problem is figuring out which category your kid fits in before starting.

 

[bumbershoot]

FWIW, I'd be really happy if one of my kids wanted to go into vocational school. My mom just had to pay a plumber $100 an hour to do some work around her house.

Seriously!

I had a boyfriend in HS that my friends made fun of b/c he went halftime to HS and halftime to Voc. He was taking their Small Engines course. I've thought many times about how well he's probably doing...




Glad the conversation went well, OP!

Another thing I thought of was DH. He lived at home b/c he felt the need to protect his mom (something my half brothers are doing now and ruining their lives by doing.....Oh, and I'm NOT saying that's what your son is doing! I'm just being thorough in saying why DH stayed home and then had an "aside" about my brothers), while going to University of Washington. He dropped out with about 1.5 years completed.

He now feels that if he'd had the *full* college experience, with dorms and everything, he would have done better academically, and would have focused more. He would have *felt* like he was in college. Instead, living at home made him feel like it was just a longer drive to high school.

So maybe that's worth thinking about, though apart from the private CC where I took Organic Chem, I've never heard of a CC with dorms...

 

[DawnM]

Hey there! Great! I am so glad you talked it out. My son has Asperger's as well, but he is only 11 and so I am always interested in hearding stories of those who have Asperger's and how they are getting through college.

Good job!

Dawn

OP here again:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advice and suggestions.

I wrote my initial post in anger (and I'm still angry), but there's a couple of things I didn't mention in that post. First of all, even though DS just graduated high school in the Spring, he just turned 20 years old. So, he's not your typical 17 or 18 year old college freshman. His birthday barely missed the deadline for our school district, so he didn't start Kindergarten until he was almost 6. He had major problems in 1st grade with reading, and I asked (no, actually begged) for him to be held back a year so he could catch up. (BTW, the reading skills are excellent now, thanks to the Hooked on Phonics program we used while he was repeating the 1st grade.)

He was also diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in 7th grade. So, he's definitely not a "social butterfly" at all. Basically, he goes to school and work, comes home, and probably spends too much time playing video games. He doesn't spend any time with the friends he had in high school, doesn't go out partying, etc. He actually only missed 1 day of classes this semester, due to a family emergency. So, he's definitely going to class...just not applying himself outside of the classroom. He had a couple of IQ tests during junior high and high school, and his intelligence is completely normal. So, there's no reason he can't succeed if he WANTS to.

During high school, he had no clue as to what he wanted to do afterwards. He said he wanted to go to college, but didn't know what he was interested in. He decided that he wanted to do the Radiology Tech program at the local CC, which I thought was a great idea, given his personality traits. He hasn't been formally accepted into the program yet, and given his major screw up this semester, will be very fortunate to be.

After he got home today, we set down and had a talk. He admitted that he had been lazy and didn't study enough, and that it was totally different from high school. (Duh!) He basically coasted his way through high school, and still graduated with a B average...although he took very few challenging courses other than some advanced history/social studies courses.

I have to admit...I can relate to what he's going through. I went away to college after high school, on a full ride. I was also used to coasting my way through high school, and not having to study. I went away to college, and fell flat on my face and had a 1.8 GPA for the 1st semester. In my case, I spent too much time partying, skipped too many classes, and spent too much time with my boyfriend. Oh yeah...and I got pregnant with my son near the end of the semester. Anyway, I left college, had him, and spent a couple of years in the real world working full time, raising a kid without his father being in the picture, and paying my bills. When I had the opportunity to go back to college, I managed to stay on the Dean's List that time around while taking 18-20 credits per semester. So, I had a complete attitude adjustment.

Given that I went through a very similar thing my 1st semester of college, I think I need to give him a second chance. He's retaking the English and Math courses next semester, and I made it clear to him that he is responsible for paying me the tuition money back. (It had to be paid last week in order to reserve his schedule for next semester.) I think it's probably best if I work out a payment plan in writing, so he knows I'm serious about it. He's also taking 2 other classes, for a total of 12 credit hours.

I told him that this next semester is his last chance. I'm not paying for any tuition beyond that, if he doesn't get his act together. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying room and board after this semester, unless he's doing satisfactory in school.

A lot of you mentioned the military. Honestly, I think that's a good option for a lot of young men (and women)...but not necessarily for my son, due to his Asperger's Syndrome. Really, I don't even know if he would qualify for any branch of the military, given the fact that he had mental health counseling for Asperger's.

We'll see what happens this next semester. I hope and pray that he has an attitude adjustment, and turns himself around.

 

[kwhite1022]

I think my son would benefit from the military as well, it would be his decision, but I know it made a world of difference for my brother. I have no problem with him enlisting should he want to go that route. I know there is alot going on right now in our world, but I feel freedom has a cost, and that price tag shouldnt only look good when its other peoples children in the line of fire. So if my son or daughters down the road, want to serve, so be it.

 

[Mathfailure]

Your son may need some help with college and his AS. The social life, interactions of college, even in the class room, does have an affect; if he is unable to 'get it' then he will not do as well. In the lab, did he have a partner he was able to work with? or was it too much stress and beyond him to do with another person.

Is he currently getting counseling? Help with social clues and so on?

I know you want the best for him, just make sure he has the skills to make all this work. Or you are just setting him up for failure.

 

[BuzzPrincessMom]

Okay CC professor here...

FERPA - Family Education Rights Protection Act

If your DS signs paperwork at the registrars office he can allow you access to his progress, grades etc. I have many a student who sign the paper, because the parents say I am paying I want to know about failing grades before they happen. The school can't even admit he attends unless it is signed

I don't bring this up to have you go behind DS's back, but at our school, we have an Advising Center. I have had students on academic probation that talk to the advisors with their parents - sometimes the students are taking courses that would be better if taken in a different order.

My last comment, is tell your DS we professors are people too...talk to us! I may think you understand a topic because when I look at you, you are nodding your head. If you have no clue, send me an e-mail, talk to me before of after class. Ask for help.

I love my job, teaching is so rewarding. At a CC there is a great mix of students.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP: glad you reconsidered this one. People "jump" on military too fast IMHO!

Not everyone is that equipped for college the first time, without having an AS diagnosis. No one knows what thats like on a daily basis when you are not personally involved with someone with the diagnosis/issues......

Perhaps a discussion to make sure he has things in place for when things get overwhelming...too may tests, papers, decisions ..........and multi tasking is generally not a strength, if you know what I mean.....I think that having measures in place to "help" is vital. Having said that, he is an adult, he needs to seek the guidance he needs and not let the Balls all fall...BUT, I know that THAT in itself is often also very difficult...SO, May I suggest that you talk, HE make an appointment with a counselor that deals with AS kids AND if he wants, you can also attend with him to support his decision to forge ahead with college!

I happen to be one of those people that graduated a year early from High School, A high B + student, got a full scholarship
and BOMBED
out the first year, a NIGHTMARE. I lost the scholarship...never did get it back...I did two years, while working almost full time (I was first to go to college in my family and parents did not pay) and then stopped to take a year off...talk about burned out....went back, re-focused, Deans List and after working for others, having a family...... presently own my own business...so.....
Sometimes ..its the "steps" we take that make us stronger and even MORE determined to prove to ourselves and others we CAN do it!
I want to wish your Son Much Success..He CAN do it....He WILL do it, Be proud mom, sounds like you have good kid there!!!

By the way B grade in High school is ABOVE average.....its VERY good!!