OT: Only Children - Need Input

[LisaInNc]

My DD is an only child she is 7. It was never planned that way. I wanted a large family but 7 years of intertility, and 4 invitros gave us our precious daughter. A subsequent divorce meant that I would not even try to have more. It's my biggest regret in life but sime things are just out of our hands.

I sometimes thing that those tiny shoulders carry the hopes and dreams of 2 parents and that is a lot, but in the end I realized that she is just fine. If you ask her and I have she has never wanted a sibling.

She has cousins, she won't be alone, I expect in her life she will have good friends and maybe a significant other.

She gets the luxury of having my attention that she doesn't have to share. I can afford to give her everything she needs and more. College will be less of an issue with one child too.

I don't deal with her being any more bored than a regular child, we live in a neighborhood full of kids and I often take one with us for certian child outings where my DD would have more fun with a friend.

I think it will be ok no matter how you do it. Life has a way or working out exactly as it's meant to be.

 

[islandtimect]

Wnedybird55, My DH and I adopted our DD6 from China when I was 38. She's sort of an only child, because her 2 older half brothers (DH's sons from a previous marriage) are in their mid20s and we see them about once a month. The question of having a 2nd child comes up fairly often in the adoption community. I wanted my DD to have a readily available playmate, a sibling who shares her Chinese heritage and adoption experience, and someone to be close to when she's older and mom and dad are long gone. I didn't want a 2nd child for myself - I have the perfect daughter, why would I want to spoil our family harmony? Sure enough, every social worker we spoke or read about said the same thing - never have a 2nd child to give your child a sibling; only have a 2nd child if that's what you and your husband want.

So we're laying the groundwork for her to have a happy life full of people she loves by staying close to her cousins and other friends with girls adopted from China. Having said that, should you decide to pursue adoption, feel free to email me privately. I can give you lots of helpful info!

 

[minnie2]

I am sorry to hear about all of your losses.
I am an only child(sort of). My mom had me when she was 20 and my dad was 27. She tells me they always planned on more kids but money was always tight so by the time money got a little easier I was a teen so she didn't want to start again. Then add to the fact when I was born with a lot of problems.. It was nothing serious but a lot of common issues that happen seemed to all fall to me, lazy eye, almost blind as a kid, heart murmur, my feet were all weird and needed pt and bars etc. Anyway that kind of scared her also about having more kids.

Growing up my mom will tell you I NEVER ever asked for a sibling I always asked for a puppy! so I got a bird

When I was 19 I lost my dad who was only 45. I was extremely close to him so it was VERY very hard on me. At that time I wished I had a sibling to share the pain with to help me through the hard time. My mom and I went through a really rough period back then and looking back a sibling would have been nice.

Even now i see siblings who are close and I have a bit of envy. though there is NO guarantee if I had a sibling I would be close. My DH has 3 sisters he isn't really close with any of them.

My mom remarried a wonderful man whom I adore who had 3 boys. When they were dating I got to be the big sister in their lives and it was a lot of fun. I do call them my brothers though I am not as close as I would like with them but I know they call me their sister and they are my kids uncles. Though they don't play the part like they should but then again they aren't as involved in their dad's life as they should be either. Oh well. My mom and step dad will say they have 4 kids but in reality I am the closest with them out of all of the kids. I joke that I am the favorite LOL Then my mom points out it is a good thing that growing up I was an only child because i would be unbearable !

I had 2 children and would have more in a minute if I could but DH really only wanted 1 child until he had his colon removed and 2 of his sister came down to help me since I had a baby at home at the time. That is when he realized a sibling was important.

I do wish you the best of luck in what ever life brings to you. I am sure if your child ends up being an only child they will be just fine. The important thing is the love you have for the child be it 1, 2 or 15!

 

[Microcell]

Well I am gonna break your sibling rule, I am one of 4 and have two kids. I am writing though, because I was satisfied with just one child when we discussed having another.

I wouldn't trade my second child for anything, I love him so much and am glad to have him in my life!

I do have to say that he came about out of a desire not to have my DD be alone if something happened to us. Not sure that was a good idea in that respect, to actually try for another when I wasn't really committed to the idea.

I have never been more happy not to think an idea through though!

I am just saying that you should want another child first, before deciding if they are needed to make sure one child isn't alone. My greatest fear is that they won't get along when they are older.

 

[LovinPooh]

Wow Nina1.... didnt mean to directly offend you or anyone for that matter.
I was talking about many women that I know. I wasnt talking about you, or how much infertility costs, or the heartache. I am sure there is heartache. I have seen friends go through. i was just simply saying before you took what I said out of context.... that I know alot of women that simply stopped with all the infertility treatments and had a baby.... GEESH!!!
My dear bestest friend in the world has been through hell and back thank you trying to have a baby. And it kills me that she has given up. She just doesnt have the funds for treatments. I also have an aunt who went through many, many procedures to try to have a baby. Finally she stopped as it was too much heartache. I am pleased to announce that I have a wonderful cousin that was concieved 3 years after the fact... Fluke or not, we love him and are thankful god blessed us with another family member. He was only 2lbs when born. But still a miracle.
I am just simply saying , that I sincerely hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all the women that want children. To not give up hope.
As a matter of fact I do have plenty of medical background. Been a nurse for many many years.
Try not to take what people say on the internet so personally.
No need to resent anyone.

Good luck.

 

[chrissiecutie]

I'm a young mommy to an only boy and DH and I are 100% agreed that it's staying that way. When I first saw my son (afer a VERY difficult pregnancy and labor) I felt that my life was complete and that our family was whole. I always thought I would have the standard 2.5 kids, dog, house, etc but from that day on, I never thought about having any more children. I agree with so many others on here, you need to decide what is right for your family but please don't let the fact that your child "needs" a sibling impact your decision.

I work in marketing for a retirement community and let me tell you the issues I deal with when it comes to siblings! So often I hear from our residents that they wanted to have several kids so that when they die or grow old the kids will have each other for support. Sadly, this is truly not the case. Very rarely do I see siblings (adults mind you!) getting along to best provide for their parents. It seems to cause much more heartache for all involved until eventually all but one sibling is left standing holding the "burden" of caring for their aging parent/s. Yes of course their are some wonderful families out there but sadly, I don't meet as many of them.

I guess my point here is, don't have another child so that your child now will have someone to lean on when things get rough. That's what other family and friends are for!

For DH and I, it's been an easy decision. We followed our heart and knew we were done at one. However, it's been difficult for others to accept. Perhaps because we are still so young and in good health. There's nothing keeping me physically from having 10 more babies (to which I feel very thankful!) but all I can say is, when you know, you know.

And to the really nosey people, I say..."why mess with perfection!"

Best of luck to you!

 

[LovinPooh]

Anyone ever seen the Duggars???
OMG... what they up to 18 kids?
Good grief. I dont know how they do it.
2 is enough for me. I used to wonder why my grandmother had 8 kids. But that isnt anythign compared to this woman.
I was a miserable pregnant woman. She must know somethign I dont.

 

[disneybridetobe]

oops... duplicate post!

 

[disneybridetobe]

Hey Wendybird! Just wanted to say we're going to be in WDW the same days you are!

I just wanted to add that I'm an only, and despite periods of loneliness in my early childhood, I am very happy to be an only. I'm very close to my mom, and I'm actually growing close to my cousins in my adult life, and they love DD to pieces.
I really wanted to try for a 2nd this past spring, but I'm not ovulating for some odd reason, so DD may end up an only... and I'm OK with that!

Please don't beat yourself up about it! (I know it's easy to do!) *hugs*

 

[lorli]

I'm hoping I can get some honest insights from people who are only children or who are parents of an only child.

To try and make it brief, DH and I got married at an older age (40 - 1st marriage for both). We wanted to start a family immediately. I lost my first 3 pregnancies (2 were ectopic, the other I lost the baby at 12 weeks). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my beautiful son who is now 21 months.
I was pregnant 4 times within 1 1/2 yrs. It took a big toll on my body and emotions.

I always wanted at least 2 children. I have a sister and we are very close - she is my best friend. It was wonderful growing up with a sibling and I want the same for my son. I lost my 4th pregnancyd about a month and a half before my son's first birthday. After that loss I needed to take time off from trying to have a child. I wanted to enjoy time with my son and not have to go through the possibilities of another loss. Then we booked our trip to Disney for this Sept. and we are looking so forward to it. I am afraid to try again before the trip because I don't want anything to ruin my son's first trip to Disney.

So here I am getting older and enjoying myself with my son and husband. But there is always this nagging feeling I have that I want to give my son a sibling. I just think that as he grows older he will have a playmate and hopefully best friend for life. But DH is concerend about trying for another afraid of what another loss will do to me - he was the one in the waiting room while I was having the surgeries and D&C's and such from my previous losses.

Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio.

Adoption is definately an option for us as we looked into it after our 2nd loss, plus I would probably want to adopt an older child between 2-5 yrs. But adoption is very expensive - $30,000-$40,000 so we really need to look into it further.

So right now I'm trying to come to grip with the possibility of my son being an only child. He has 2 cousins, but still being an older parent I worry about him being alone.
I would love to hear from people who are only children or who are parents of only children - I know only children can have very happy and wonderful lives - a dear friend of mine is an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I guess right now I can only see it from the perspective of someone with a sibling and I know there is another side to the coin with many wonderful things I haven't thought of or can't see right now.

Thanks so much for your help/

So, so sorry for your loses.

Being a mom to an only child was not my dream, but it has turned out to be my reality. I am the oldest of 5, my husband is the youngest of 5 and we are very close to my brothers and somewhat close to his family. Having my brothers has been great in the sense that we lost our parents young, dad was 48 and mom was 59. Neither death drove us apart from each other and being a support system for each other and our families. This is what I had hoped for in my own family, but that was not to be the case.

DH and I met when we were a bit older and had our dd when I was 32. She was strong and healthy, beautiful little girl. We decided to have another so they would be 2 years apart and ask and you shall receive, I was pregnant. Long story short, our second child was born very early and was strong and beautiful for a wonderful 4 months. Although we have 2 children, dd (7) is growing up an only child. I had a very bad second pregnancy and almost lost my life and did lose my precious daughter, that having another pregnancy was out of the question.

However, we went the adoption route through our Department of Social Services. It was a very long process, in fact I had finally come to terms after 5 years that I was only going to raise one child. Rinnnng, they had a young boy for us. We were elated to say the least, but with kids in Foster Care they come with their own problems and he certainly did. They said they weren't aware of sexual issues he had, but they surfaced when he started over nights at our house, with our then 6 year old. It had to end, so I am now back to the beginning, grappling with raising an only child. Please Please be wary of children in the system, I'm not sure everything is disclosed and I would not want anyone else to end up broken hearted about losing a child, even by choice as in our situation.

We are helping dd to adjust to having very close cousins, 5, 7, and 9. They live only 5 minutes up the hill, they come to the house every morning to get the bus, one is in the same class, and go to the same sitter at the end of school. She is also expanding her social networking at school and extra-curricular activities. As she gets older she has been allowed to have sleep overs more frequently and many many play dates. We are in a position to take friends and trips with us, but they are still so young Disney is too far away and for too long. I think, she will become a well adjusted young lady and have a great social network of friends. As other posters stated, something to the effect of, not all families are close, just because I have a close family doesn't mean she would have.

What ever your choice, be happy!

 

[princessmom29]

I`am mom to an only DD4 and I plan for it to stay that way. I went I no problems conciving her, but it was a hellish pregnancy and I don't think I can do it agian. I was an oly for 6.5 years and I don't think it is as hard on kids as parents imagine. So long and short don't worry too much about it. What will be will be...

 

[Merriwind]

Wendybird, I am sorry for your losses and the stress you are having over this decision.

We have one DD10. She is perfect and the light of our lives. DH (youngest of 4) was done after one right away. I (older of two) thought maybe we'd have another. Thing is, it never seemed the right time. We enjoy every minute with our DD and always have. I never wanted to disrupt the wonderful family dynamic we have. I always figured that when the time was right, I'd know. The time never has been right and we are old enough now that I believe that ship has sailed.

I have asked DD on many occasions through the years if she wanted a baby brother or sister. She definitely does not and never has. (Not that the opinion of a child would have made me have a baby, but I wanted to gauge her thoughts.) We are all very happy with our family the way it is.

There is definitely a stigma associated with having an only child. I cannot imagine anyone telling a mother of two or three that there is something wrong with the number of children they have, but it seems to happen sometimes with onlies. I have had people tell me that they "don't believe" in only children, feel sorry for only children and saythat only children are not what God wants people to have. Whatever, you can encounter rude, thoughtless people on virtually any subject. (I'm sure moms with big families get some similar unwanted comments.) I'd be living my life a lot differently (and constantly changing what I do) if I let unsolicited advice/opinions rule what I do.

Good luck to you--and enjoy your trip to Disney!

 

[luna99]

Wendybird.. thank you for starting this thread ... you are going to help a lot of people with it... and I'm so sorry about the losses you and your husband have endured.

I myself am 32 and my husband is 40. This is a topic that comes up in my mind a lot. We aren't parents yet and are shooting to start trying for a family spring of 2009. In my family it was me and my sister who is 6 years younger than me... and I can't imagine not having a sister. Even though my sister and I don't talk everyday (she's in Texas, I'm in New York) I still feel very close to her and love all of our childhood memories (somehow I forgot most of the fighting we did!). I really want to have 2 children...

my husband on the other hand I think would be fine with just one. He himself comes from a family of 5 and he is the baby.. and I think mostly the issue for him is that he is going to be an older dad and he feels bad about that...

so.. I will put my vote in the camp of I have a sibling and I want my children to have siblings! If it so happens that we have only one child though (or for some reason cannot have children) then that's ok too and I will have to come to terms with it... but for now I really want 2 kids.

 

[Wendybird55]

It's amazing how we can easily forget that so many of us have our own disappointments and struggles and that very rarely is the grass greener.

For everyone who lost a pregnancy or with fertility struggles you are in my heart. Your life is changed forever and though time can heal, the sorrow or pain never goes away. You wonder sometimes how there can be so many people walking this planet after experiencing first hand all that can go wrong with a pregnancy - it's seems more can go wrong than right - life truly is a special miracle.

Many of you advised not to have a 2nd child just to give my son a sibling - and that is good advice which I agree with. Especially if I'm thinking of adoption - the last thing I want is for an adopted child to think they were ony adopted to be a playmate to my bilogical child. That is SO wrong.

I always wanted at least 2 children - maybe 3. I love kids and when DH and I got married we discussed having 2. It's just that life takes us down roads we never dreamed of. And my age is a big consideration here - I'm 46 now and with every minute my eggs are getting older!

LORLI: I know the frustration of trying to adopt thru social services here in US. DH and I went to a couple of meetings to learn more about adoption in US and they were a big eye opener. They care more about foster parents then adoptive and the primary focus is reuniting kids with biological parents no matter how screwed up the parents are. This leads to a system where kids are stuck in foster care for years while biological parents take advantage and by the time they are put up for adoption they have so many emotional scars. I heard some horror stories at these meetings and quickly realized that foreign adoption was a better way to go.

DISNEYBRIDETOBE: Where are you staying? We'll be at BWV - we rented points from our friends who are DVC members. We got a 2-bedoom villa at a great price. My sister is joining us - she is my Disney buddy and I couldn't see taking my son for the first time without her. Being at a DVC I can't get free dining, but I saved more than that on the room. I think I finally got all my ADRS settled (made a few changes here and there). I have a charater breakfast every morning! I know it's overkill, but DH loves Disney characters and I think it will be so much fun for him (plus I like them too!). I expect it to be hot and humid. So far the summerher in NY has been very hot and humid, so I figure it will get me prepared! I'm hoping the crowds will be as low as they were the last 2 times I went this week. (they were both before free dining, but I still think it won't be crowded).
Less then 8 weeks to go!! I can hardly wait!!!

Thanks again everyone for your encouraging and helpful responses. As the old saying goes - when life gives you lemons - make lemonade. And whether my son is an only child or night, DH and I will always work at giving him the best life possible.

 

[Jakesmom504]

First...I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that loss! I'm actually sort of in the same boat right now, and I haven't read through all of these posts but I plan to when I have more time. I'm interested too in what everyone else has said.
I've been having this conversation so many times for the past month. DS is 4 and out of no where started refering to "his baby" and saying he wants a little sister. It breaks my heart because he loves babies and he is so good with them and I know he would make an awesome big brother but we just can't do it right now. We are so broke and are so very slowly trying to get out of debt plus I'm in school. We said there is not a chance in hell that I can have another baby until I finish school. Well I thought we sort of had everything planned out until I went on an interview and found out there is a waitlist until Jan 2010! That means I won't be graduating until May 2012! Then I'll be turning 37 that July. I know that's not old, trust me, so I hope no one flames me for that but I would pretty much have to get pregnant right away and be starting a new, stressful career at the same time. We also want to move very badly. We don't mind our house but the association makes you feel like we are living in a Communist community or we are in "1984!" Unless DH were to miraculously get a huge raise we definitely can't do both. Problem is he can live with 1 child, I feel like there is something missing. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son more than life and he is the most awesome, sweetest little kid and the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me by far! But I never thought of myself as only having one child, and it really breaks my heart that he really wants a sibling and I can't give him one.
Ironically, I grew up with 2 brothers but one is 25, and the other is 16. I'll be 33 on the 14th! So while we all have each other we all basically grew up as only children in a sense. The 25 yr old and I are close now but fought like crazy when we were kids. I was 16 when the youngest was born and I loved it but I was always envious of my friends that had siblings closer in age.
It's just really tuff because on one hand I say, ya know what, I should just be happy that I have a healthy child and throw my hands up and say this is how it was meant to be, but on the other hand I want another child so badly! At this point, I'm telling myself that for some reason this is the way it was meant to be and while I'm really not a big religious person, if God meant for me to have another child then I will.
I'm sorry I know I didn't offer up any advice but I do wish you luck with whatever it is you decide to do!

 

[NJMomma]

I agree with the grass is always greener sentiment that seems to be running through many of these threads.

OP, I am so sorry for your loses.

I am a "quasi-only" child. My dad was married and widowed prior to marrying my mom. I have a half brother and half sister that are over 20 years older than I am. Growing up, I always wanted a sibling. I was lonely. I know now that that there is no guarantee we would be close or even get along. I got a lot of things growing up my half-sibs never did, because I was the only one - a car, vacations, college. It's easy to idealize what you don't have. My brother and sister, who grew up together and are just a few years apart, are VERY different and have had times of not getting along at all. They are like a made for TV movie - my sister went to Woodstock and my brother fought in Vietnam, total opposites. I get along with them both, but we are not really close.

Now that I am a parent, I see that I didn't have to be lonely as a kid. I just wasn't involved in "stuff". I was not kept busy and left to my own devices frequently. I was not well socialized as a child. I think what is important is that you learn to get along with people when you are young, be it your siblings or other kids.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I agree with the grass is always greener sentiment that seems to be running through many of these threads.

Now that I am a parent, I see that I didn't have to be lonely as a kid. I just wasn't involved in "stuff". I was not kept busy and left to my own devices frequently. I was not well socialized as a child. I think what is important is that you learn to get along with people when you are young, be it your siblings or other kids.

I agree 100%.

I worked with someone that used to tell me she wished her daughter wasn't an only child because she felt that her daughter was lonely, shy, and didn't really assert herself. I often wondered why she blamed that on being an only child and not the fact that the poor kid was baby-sat by her grandmother that didn't drive for the first 5 years of her life, and then went there afterschool every day until she was in middle-school. The woman was a single mom who didn't have any other family in the area, so having the grandmother babysit was her easiest option. But the poor kid never went to a play group, camp, day care, played on a sports team, joined any clubs, or went anywhere other than school where there would be groups of kids around to socialize with.
My son was in day-care 2 days/week, then went to pre-k at the same school, and he'll be starting kindergaten in September. We've done gymboree, mommy and me, he played on a soccer team, went to swimming lessons, started camp 2x/week this summer, and we meet up with some of the kids from his class outside of school to go to the movies, park, or beach. Big difference in their "only child" experiences.

 

[all4fun]

My ds is an only, not 100% by choice, as I could technically try for another but it would be risky that I would have another preemie (ds was a 28wkr due to PE/HELLPS) or at the very least put my own health at risk again. I would be willing if to try again if DH really wanted another, but he is firm that he does not want to go down this road again so we are stopping at one. I have had to deal with my own demons on this issue as well but I know from my own experience with siblings that just because you have them doesn't mean they will be your best friends. My brothers who are 9yrs apart, do get along well, but my older brother, who is 3yrs my senior, and I spent most of our childhood fighting with each other. We love one another now but are not terribly close even though we are only a 20 min drive from each other .

I agree 100%.

I worked with someone that used to tell me she wished her daughter wasn't an only child because she felt that her daughter was lonely, shy, and didn't really assert herself. I often wondered why she blamed that on being an only child and not the fact that the poor kid was baby-sat by her grandmother that didn't drive for the first 5 years of her life, and then went there afterschool every day until she was in middle-school. The woman was a single mom who didn't have any other family in the area, so having the grandmother babysit was her easiest option. But the poor kid never went to a play group, camp, day care, played on a sports team, joined any clubs, or went anywhere other than school where there would be groups of kids around to socialize with.
My son was in day-care 2 days/week, then went to pre-k at the same school, and he'll be starting kindergaten in September. We've done gymboree, mommy and me, he played on a soccer team, went to swimming lessons, started camp 2x/week this summer, and we meet up with some of the kids from his class outside of school to go to the movies, park, or beach. Big difference in their "only child" experiences.

Both dh and I work f/t. MIL cares for him while we're at work. He's also been in preschool for most of the last 2 yrs. MIL is active and involved in her health club and takes ds to several of the kid-oriented activities there through out the year. We also get him involved in activities such as swim lessons, dance, gymnastics, through our local community center (county parks & rec). We attend church, which he loves, so he gets lots of social interaction with other kids. He is not shy at all - actually we have the opposite problem - he is pretty much not scared of anyone, much to my chagrin sometimes! lol I also think this can be a personality thing. I am not an only child, and am introvert myself, so if he were shy, I would be more likely to think that maybe he was just taking after me. JMHO.

I do also agree with the "grass is greener" comment and that keeping a child homebound w/out contact with other kids for the most part for 5yrs is not going to help either!

 

[Merriwind]

One more thought--team sports!~

A rule that I have in my house is that DD has to play on a team sport. I think it's extra important that onlies learn to function as part of a team, since they don't really have to at home. Up north, she played soccer. Here, in FL, it's basketball (in air conditioning). She's not a great player and it's not her favorite activity, but she enjoys it, it's good exercise and really important in my book.

 

[HumanLegs]

First I just want to tell you that I'm so sorry for you and your husband's losses. I can't even imagine going through that kind of heartache.

I only have one child. I would like to have another in the future but am in no hurry. I figure I'm a bit younger, (25) so I have enough time. I think there are advantages to being an only child, and there are advantges to not being one also. If you're an only you get 100% of your parents attention all the time. Your parents are more likely to be able to afford college, sports, girl/boy scouts, etc. You get more help with homework. Also you might be able to have the awesome toy you want! Not that monetary things are super important but I know when I was a kid I wanted a Barbie Jeep and we just couldn't afford it. If it'd been only me, we might've been able to.

My mom had 4 kids, 3 girls and a boy. Sometimes money was tight and there were certain things we weren't able to afford which did suck when I was a kid but as I got older it didn't matter as much. I love having siblings. They are like a built-in support system but I have to say that we didn't develop that tighter bond until we got older.

I definately think that sports are a wonderful way to get your kid out there and making new friends. So is boy/girl scouts. I was a girl scout and it was a very fun thing. I loved selling cookies, making crafts, and going on camping trips. You can even try gymnastics or karate. It's a great way to keep kids active while still having fun. Maybe a pet would be a good option also. Having something that relies on your child. We've got a dog and two cats and DD just loves to help take care of them.

I think maybe instead of adoption you can go the surrogate route or put an ad in the paper. It sounds a little tacky but it's an option. I don't know the prices for this kind of thing myself but I imagine it's not too hard to find. This IS the internet after all! Good luck in whatever you do!