OT:More birthday etiquitte

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I would never have had 4 kids if I couldn't manage them all in the same room, regardless of what size of a room they are. My children don't eat the cake at parties anyways, they don't care about it really. My younger ones have seen parties going on at CEC or Ollie Koala's before and never have tried to join in.

 

[imthatgirl]

No, it's definitely a written rule - it's in the student handbook. Some schools say you can hand out invitations to only girls or only boys if you're having a boy- or girl-only party, but others say you can only hand out invitations in school if you invite the entire class. Of course, if you don't want to do that, you can deliver the invitations by hand or mail them. That's what I always do, since I don't want to invite the entire class. Maybe you didn't realize that it's considered rude to discuss parties and/or hand out invitations in front of those who are not invited. I think it's nice that the schools are helping enforce proper etiquette, at least in this one instance.

well im glad my school doesnt consider it a "rule", but i cant see me following it anyway, unless the school planned to foot the bill.
to be completely honest, i could care less about proper ettiquite and i have no plans in telling my child she cant discuss what she wants with my friends.
the rule has nothing to do with ettiquite anyway, or it wouldnt read that you only have to invite same sex classmates. that makes no sense, either its rude to not invite the whole class or its not, you cant have it both ways.
the reason schools have the rule is because of the obnoxious parents who complain when their child isnt invited to someones birthday, even if that someone isnt their childs friend.

 

[kelma]

well im glad my school doesnt consider it a "rule", but i cant see me following it anyway, unless the school planned to foot the bill.
to be completely honest, i could care less about proper ettiquite and i have no plans in telling my child she cant discuss what she wants with my friends.
the rule has nothing to do with ettiquite anyway, or it wouldnt read that you only have to invite same sex classmates. that makes no sense, either its rude to not invite the whole class or its not, you cant have it both ways.
the reason schools have the rule is because of the obnoxious parents who complain when their child isnt invited to someones birthday, even if that someone isnt their childs friend.

Hmm, well, I think it's really less about "proper etiquette" or being politically correct and just plain rudeness . There are lots of things that proper etiquette would suggest you do or do not do, but often they can be silly things that don't affect anyone. Handing out invitations in front of people not invited to that party or discussing that party in front of those people is both hurtful and rude whether you are a child or an adult.

Would you consider it OK to be in the same area as several people you know and address one or 2 of them and invite them to a party you are having, but not the others present? I can't think of when this would ever be appropriate in an adult setting - why would it be OK for a child to do the same?

For a child, the one left out would feel excluded and sad. As an adult, I would just think that the adult who did this had no social graces and would count myself lucky to be not invited

BTW, every preschool, private and public school that my children have been in and there have collectively been 10 schools eek: - but that's another story ), has had this rule. It doesn't seem to be all that uncommon

 

[tlbwriter]

to be completely honest, i could care less about proper ettiquite

Yes, I realized that several posts ago. I'm glad some people do care about being rude and hurting childrens' feelings, but hey, whatever works for you.

 

[imthatgirl]

im still confused how my child inviting her friends to a party would be hurting the feelings of kids that arent her friends? why would those kids expect to go to a party of someone they arent friends with?
and i still dont see how it isnt just as rude to only invite, lets say, the girls to a party and leave all the boys out? so kids of the opposite sex are immune to being hurt?
this all makes no sense.
you all arent giving kids enough credit, they have a great way of understanding situations. if mary isnt friends with susan, mary isnt going to be upset to not go to susans party. they arent friends. but, then parents get involved and make these big deals about things, that were never really a big deal.
oh and out of curiousity if you all could take a picture of these rules and post them...im really curious as to how it is they state this. what a bizarre rule to have.

 

[Nie0214]

If you don't want to invite the entire class, send the invitations in the mail or give them directly to a parent outside the school. I think the issue mostly stems from invitations being distributed in class.

 

[imthatgirl]

like ive already pointed out, they dont pass them out in class. ive yet to here of a teacher that sets aside a time for kids to do this. they hand them out as they see their friends.

 

[badblackpug]

Oh my...the whole point is: it is just plain rude to bring someone to a party who wasn't invited. Period. End of story. I am so surprised that people don't know the basic rules of etiquette and, basically, how to be polite. That is societal norms.

It is not okay to drag along whomever you please just because you think they should come. If you can't or won't get a sitter, then decline the invitation. As a hostess I would feel obligated to include the other children that you brought, (because that is what a good hostess does, makes everyone feel welcome) even if you "kept them separate" and at Chuck-E-Cheese that is an extra $19 a kid! Now please imagine that each kid brought 1 or 2 siblings! I'd have to mortgage the house!

As for the invitations at school. All boys or all girls I would think was a thing more for, like sleepovers, or Libby-Lou, or American Girl parties, things that are gender specific. As for handing out the invitations in school, again, that goes back to basic manners. While we realize that the invitations are not being handed out in the middle of class, they are still being handed out in front of other children. In the cafeteria, in the bus line, on the playground, etc. It is rude to do so. Extending an invitation to ony certain members of a group IS rude. Just mail the invitations. ...and we all know how children are...they are carrying around the invitation, they are talking about it...jeesh...they are kids!

On another level, your children have a right to have their own lives and interests, and that includes choosing their own friends, and spending time with their own friends. This is how they develop independence. Constantly ramming siblings down their throats is not fair. It is also not fair to the younger siblings to make them think they are intitled to everything the other siblings are. Children have a right to have something that is just their own...including friends. Again, if you can't or won't get a sitter, decline the invitation!

The time to teach children about manner is when they are young. By teaching them to drag along uninvite guests you are teaching them rudeness. By teaching them to openly shun certain people you are teaching them rudeness. This may be how some people act, but it is not what is socially acceptable.

 

[mjkacmom]

like ive already pointed out, they dont pass them out in class. ive yet to here of a teacher that sets aside a time for kids to do this. they hand them out as they see their friends.

Please take the time and effort to drop the invitations off at the homes of the invited classmates, and please take the time and effort to use capital letters - it's difficult to read your posts. BTW, I don't think I've seen anyone on this very long thread who agrees with you that it's okay for children to invite only a certain number from their class, and hand out the invitations at school. Does this not tell you something?

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Oh my...the whole point is: it is just plain rude to bring someone to a party who wasn't invited. Period. End of story. I am so surprised that people don't know the basic rules of etiquette and, basically, how to be polite. That is societal norms. .

Its either a regional thing..or just traveling in different circles..I find it rude not to extend an invitation to the entire family. Period.

Just because you wrote out the invitation with only one name doesn't make it the right thing to do. I would probably respectfully decline your invite if I didn't know you and you wanted me to leave my child with you and specifically stated no one could stay with her... for what its worth..Different circles. I guess.

 

[mjkacmom]

Its either a regional thing..or just traveling in different circles..I find it rude not to extend an invitation to the entire family. Period.

Just because you wrote out the invitation with only one name doesn't make it the right thing to do. I would probably respectfully decline your invite if I didn't know you and you wanted me to leave my child with you and specifically stated no one could stay with her... for what its worth..Different circles. I guess.

I'm 41 years old, and I can't remember once, in my lifetime, of having my parents attend a birthday party with me! In my area, parents would be dumbfounded if the entire family was invited, and would probably decline the invitation, either because they were weirded out, or because weekends are VERY busy, and who has the time to have an entire family go to a birthday party, when they don't even really know the family.

 

[tlbwriter]

Its either a regional thing..or just traveling in different circles..I find it rude not to extend an invitation to the entire family. Period.

Just because you wrote out the invitation with only one name doesn't make it the right thing to do. I would probably respectfully decline your invite if I didn't know you and you wanted me to leave my child with you and specifically stated no one could stay with her... for what its worth..Different circles. I guess.

There is a difference between a parent staying with a young child (which I don't think anyone would really argue against) and both parents and a sibling tagging along with an older child, even though they weren't invited (which is rude).

 

[imthatgirl]

Please take the time and effort to drop the invitations off at the homes of the invited classmates, and please take the time and effort to use capital letters - it's difficult to read your posts. BTW, I don't think I've seen anyone on this very long thread who agrees with you that it's okay for children to invite only a certain number from their class, and hand out the invitations at school. Does this not tell you something?

well this very long thread is only about 3 or 4 people talking, so yes it says that 3 out of 4 people will invite the whole class.
i will not be mailing invites.
if my posts are so hard to read, id be more than happy if you would stop reading and repling to them

 

[tlbwriter]

And now we see why so many schools had to come up with that rule in the first place...

 

[badblackpug]

There is a difference between a parent staying with a young child (which I don't think anyone would really argue against) and both parents and a sibling tagging along with an older child, even though they weren't invited (which is rude).

Yes, I meant bringing along siblings. If it were a young child I don't think anyone would have an issue with a parent staying. (unless you wanted a goodie bag! )

I don't think it is rude not to invite the entire family. If they were family friends or relatives and I know the entire family, then, yes I invite them all. But my point is with school friends. I don't expect school friends to bring siblings. My child isn't friends with the siblings, I don't know the siblings, why would I invite them?

...and my original point is it is a strain on the hostess (in any situation) to bring uninvited guests. Likely the hostess has a budget for these things. Usually I set out a certain budget and allow the kids to invite within that budget. If I give my daughter a $200 budget, she can either choose 3 friends for a Libby Lu expensive package or 7 friends at the cheaper package, or she can take 2 friends to the boardwalk, or she can have a sleepover and spend $200 on dollar store make-up, food and videos and have 15 friends. But the amount of children I have invited is the amount of children that have been budgeted for. Obviously extra children will either cost me more or will cause some children at the party to go without.

If you received a wedding invitation from a co-worker adressed to you (say, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Jones) would you bring along your brother and sister thinking "the whole family should be invited," even if the colleague didn't know your brother and sister?

...as to why someone couldn't just drop invitations in the mail...................

 

[imthatgirl]

im still in disbelief that this is an actual rule

 

[mjkacmom]

im still in disbelief that this is an actual rule

And I'm still in disbelief that a parent would allow a child to hand out invitations at school, to a select number of children.

 

[tlbwriter]

im still in disbelief that this is an actual rule

Seriously? You're calling us liars? Okay. Please check out the following.

http://www.hcschools.org/mcbrien/Pol.htm: "Invitations to private birthday parties may be distributed in the classroom if the entire class is invited. When only a portion of the group is involved, however, invitations should be mailed to avoid the issue of inclusion/exclusion at school."

http://schoolofthecathedral.org/policy/parentoverview.htm#Birthday Invitations: "In order to exemplify kindness and respect for all students, the School's policy regarding birthday celebrations is as follows: If your child is having a birthday party outside of school, invitations may not be distributed at school unless all members of the class are invited."

http://www.ncrel.org/sdrs/areas/issues/envrnmnt/famncomm/pa3l11-1.htm: "PLEASE! For parties held outside school, do not distribute invitations in school. This often creates hurt feelings."

http://www.sjbnewburgh.org/school/handbook/hbk_rule2.htm#party: "Students bringing party invitations to school instead of using the postal service may distribute them to their classmates provided ALL students in the class receive an invitation. (In the case of an all boy or all girl party, see the principal.)"

http://www.sacredheart.org/school/Publications/PPM.htm#gifts_party: "Invitations for slumber parties or birthday parties should be sent to the homes of students via the U.S. Mail unless an invitation is being given to every student in the entire grade, in which case they can be handed out in class."

http://www.aasd.k12.wi.us/richmond/Information/handbook.htm#invitations: "Birthday parties and other parties held during the year are an exciting event for the child hosting the party and those who are invited. It can be a very disappointing time for a child who has not been invited to the same party. Out of respect and consideration for the feelings of all students at Richmond, please do not distribute invitations to birthday parties or any other personal parties at school---before, during, or after. Please use the school directory to access the addresses of Richmond families and send the invitations to student homes. We appreciate your consideration of others and appreciate the modeling of respectful behavior."

http://www.graniteschools.org/el/oquirrhills/Policies.html#birthdays: "Please DO NOT send birthday party invitations to school. This causes students to feel left out and can hurt feelings."

http://www.tricountyschools.org/About/0708ElemHdbk.pdf: "Party invitations are NOT to be handed out at school or on the bus, unless the entire class is invited."

And this is from only the first two pages of returns from a Yahoo search. You may choose to disagree with these policies, but when you claim they do not exist, you only make yourself look ignorant. With all due respect, have you actually read your own school's policy? Are you sure this isn't addressed?

 

[mjkacmom]

Children's Birthday Invitations Etiquette
Who to Invite
You should put together the guest list with your child. While you do not need to invite everyone in your child's class, it is important to be sensitive to those who do not get invited. You can encourage your child's friend's parents to attend a party for your child. It is acceptable to specifically encourage parents to attend on the invitation. For example, you could add, "Parents are welcome to stay and enjoy the party." Just make sure to offer them coffee and food for volunteering to help baby sit!

When to Send

Two to three weeks is ample time for an informal birthday party for a child.

Delivering Invitations

Mail or hand-deliver the invitations. To avoid hurt feelings, do not allow your child to distribute them in class.

Gift Etiquette

If you don't want guests to feel obligated to bring gifts, it is perfectly acceptable to specify "no gifts" on the invitation.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

If you received a wedding invitation from a co-worker adressed to you (say, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Jones) would you bring along your brother and sister thinking "the whole family should be invited," even if the colleague didn't know your brother and sister..

As an adult, My brother and sister are not in my immediate family. If my co-worker addressed the invitation to just me without the ability to bring a guest to accompany me. I would decline. If my child was invited without any invitation to the person who would be driving her there..I would decline.

I think we just have differing opinions of social ettiquette... and differing opinions of children's parties. Some people just don't invite whole classrooms of kids which means inviting families is more manageable and it allows for more options if you are attempting to stay within a budget which seems to be the major sticking point with the NO siblings rule..

I would probably invite a whole classroom if I was interested in getting to know the families and view it as a more social getting to know everyone event. We've been to a few whole classroom parties and it was nice to meet the kids and get to know their families.

I'm not sure why you all are looking at this as a black or white issue..Thats a little strange. Our approach to parties are very much in line with our friends approach... as your approach seems to be. If your approach is vastly different than mine and you are getting irritated by all this that probably just means you won't be getting an invite from us