OT:More birthday etiquitte

[rt2dz]

strange, if you werent talking to me, why then did you pick off everything i said in my previous posts ....who were you responding too, that said anything similiar??

Re-read the thread. More than one person has said similar things at various times (I thought). Other things were general comments and had nothing to do with what anyone posted. The "closed" party thing may have been directly related to something you said, but only as an FYI since it seemed whoever wrote a comment in response to it didn't understand what it meant. I also know people lurk, so in case anyone else misunderstood.

In general... I'm not reading threads, taking notes. I don't even pay attention to who posts what--either from thread to thread or within a single thread. If I "follow" a person's posts, they have to be doing something that stands out pretty dramatically. If I am responding to someone in particular, I always quote.

I can't figure out why you are being so defensive. I find it silly. I'm not picking on you. I'm sorry if you feel that way.

 

[tlbwriter]

i leave my child out of decisions i make. i would personally not be following the rule but it would be safe to say my child wouldnt even know the rule.

If it were a rule at your child's school, you feel it would be appropriate to instruct your child to do something against that rule, and excuse it by saying she didn't know the rule? And if you disagree with a school's written rule, that makes it okay for you and your child to break it? And yet you still claim you are teaching your children to follow the rules? Whose rules? The rules that you want the world to have, even when they conflict with a school's written policy?

I think it's funny that in an earlier post you accused many of us of making up this rule because it was a rule we "wanted" to have, and yet you say here you would do exactly that - pretend the rule didn't exist, if your school had it, because you "wanted" it to not exist. That's rather hypocritical.

as a parent its my job to prepare my child for life. its probably the biggest thing we have to do as parents. one thing i have taught my daughter is how to handle disappointment. but aside from that i have also explained to her that as far as parties go for classmates, she wont always be invited to every party(remember we dont have that silly rule here). she understands that parties cost a lot of money and not all parents can invite all the kids. so last year when she wasnt invited to pasquels party, but her best friend was, her best friends mom came over and asked if we wanted her to take kenzie anyway. my daughters response"no, i wasnt invited" she understood at the age of 6, that pasquel only invited her friends and it wasn t personal.
now, until this post i assumed all parents taught there kids thses things, i realize i assumed wrong.
possibly you live in an area where parents can afford to invite the whole class, and maybe thats why the schools have those rules. i dont live there, many of the families here are on fixed incomes. so instead we have to teach our kids to handle thses situations, but im ok with that.

You still seem to be deliberately misunderstanding. The school does not require you to invite the entire class. That would be ridiculous. The school simply doesn't allow you to pass out invitations at school unless you are inviting the entire class. There's no reason you couldn't invite one person from her class, or everyone except one person. You'd just have to find some other way of distributing the invitations. Is it really that difficult?

 

[imthatgirl]

I can't figure out why you are being so defensive. I find it silly. I'm not picking on you. I'm sorry if you feel that way.

i have been nothing but attacked on this thread...which makes you wonder at what point everyone threw their manners and etiquitte books out the window?

 

[imthatgirl]

If it were a rule at your child's school, you feel it would be appropriate to instruct your child to do something against that rule, and excuse it by saying she didn't know the rule? And if you disagree with a school's written rule, that makes it okay for you and your child to break it? And yet you still claim you are teaching your children to follow the rules? Whose rules? The rules that you want the world to have, even when they conflict with a school's written policy?

I think it's funny that in an earlier post you accused many of us of making up this rule because it was a rule we "wanted" to have, and yet you say here you would do exactly that - pretend the rule didn't exist, if your school had it, because you "wanted" it to not exist. That's rather hypocritical.



You still seem to be deliberately misunderstanding. The school does not require you to invite the entire class. That would be ridiculous. The school simply doesn't allow you to pass out invitations at school unless you are inviting the entire class. There's no reason you couldn't invite one person from her class, or everyone except one person. You'd just have to find some other way of distributing the invitations. Is it really that difficult?

like i have said over and over we dont have that rule here...nor have i ever known of a school that did. i have not been a hypoctrite once, no where did i say i would pretend it didnt exsist, it doesnt exsist here. and i said if it did i wouldnt follow that rule. im pretty sure ive been rather consistent with my posts?

and again, my schools here dont have those rules.....so i dont have to find another way to distribute them, is it really that difficult for you???

 

[tlbwriter]

like i have said over and over we dont have that rule here...nor have i ever known of a school that did. i have not been a hypoctrite once, no where did i say i would pretend it didnt exsist,

Okay, so you would ignore it, but that doesn't mean you'll pretend it doesn't exisit. Whatever.

 

[imthatgirl]

Okay, so you would ignore it, but that doesn't mean you'll pretend it doesn't exisit. Whatever.

next time you use a word it helps to know what it means
Hypocrisy (or the state of being a hypocrite) is the act of preaching a certain belief or way of life, but not, in fact, holding these same virtues oneself.

like i said ive have been very consistent in my posts.

 

[dogluva]

Ok, I have a question. My ds had a birthday in April, and one of his friends (I have known them for a few years now and we get together for playdates) moms called me to RSVP for the party and she asked if her daughter could attend the party also. (Daughter is three years older than the boys) I was put on the spot and said Yes, the daughter could attend as well. I assumed she didn't have anyone to stay with the daughter. Well, the day of the party came, and she brought her entire family, her, her DH, her DS and DD!!
I did the party at a My Gym and it was just DS and his school friends. All the moms stayed of course and than there was this other mom with her family of four. I bought pizzas for everyone but I just thought it was pretty rude to bring the family like that.
Fast forward to this July, she has her DS's party at a zoo. I wondered if she would extend an invitation to my other DS just out of curiousity really, only because of her inviting her daughter. She never extended an invitation, and the morning of the party she called me to make sure I knew where to meet. (She had forgotten to write the meeting location on the invitations) She called my cell number and she asked if I was driving to the party. I said No I was still home because I was waiting for the babysitter to come to watch my other DS. I guess I was shocked that she had the odacity to invite her whole family and than not extend an invitaiton to my other DS. She KNOWS my dh works on Saturdays and therefore, I would have to pay a sitter.
I guess I sound sour, lol, but it bothers me that she would have the nerve to bring her whole family and than when it is HER party to not include my ds. (babysitters run $15 per hour so for me to attend her party, it cost me $45 for the babysitter plus buying a gift for her DS)
No, I do NOT expect my other ds to be included in parties, I always get a babysitter if need be BUT I was just so ticked off that she brought her whole family and than did not extend an invitation to my other DS.

THis happened to us. A mother asked if she could bring her other daughter to my daughter's party. She felt bad because even though my daughter is her older daughter's friend, her little daughter considers her a friend also. Talk about putting someone on the spot. The following week, she hands out invites to the younger daughter's birthday part. Is there one for my daughter, no. I was floored. Not that my daughter knew or cared. It was just that she made a point of handing them out right in front of us. Weird and rude. Oh, well.

 

[rt2dz]

possibly you live in an area where parents can afford to invite the whole class, and maybe thats why the schools have those rules. i dont live there, many of the families here are on fixed incomes. so instead we have to teach our kids to handle thses situations, but im ok with that.

This is what I don't understand--who is inviting the whole class? Very few. My DS invited 4 kids out of 25 from his class last year. It’s just he also invited 5 from cub scouts (out of 14). He invited 3 from basketball (out of 12). He invited 4 from baseball (out of 16). He invited 2 kids from the neighborhood who are homeschooled and 2 kids from the neighborhood who go to private school. He then invited 3 kids who he has been friends with since preschool and still sees several times a month. Then there were the 4 kids he invited from school that have been in previous classes and still plays with regularly. He then invited his 3 cousins who are close to. That's still roughly 30 kids. A whole $12.30 in postage.

I fail to see how it is nice to pass out invitations in front of other kids. I get they aren't doing it in class, during class. Here is how I see it. Four kids are standing around waiting for the bus. Little Mary gives 3 of the invitations to the group, leaving little Jane out. Now, Mary and Jane aren't friends, but they aren't enemies. But both are friends with Sue, Betty, and Sara, which is why Jane was with them. Mary doesn't mean to be mean; she might not realize she is being mean because dear old mom and dad never taught her that was rude. But Jane has now had it flaunted in her face that she isn't invited to do this really cool party and also, none of her friends will be around.

As far as:

i leave my child out of decisions i make. i would personally not be following the rule but it would be safe to say my child wouldnt even know the rule.

Isn't it your job to teach her that there are rules, what they are and to follow them? Especially when you couple it with:

as a parent its my job to prepare my child for life. its probably the biggest thing we have to do as parents.

Oh, and legally, isn't it acceptable that ignorance isn't an excuse for breaking a law? Just because I didn't know the speed limit was 55mph doesn't mean I can go 65 mph.

 

[rt2dz]

i have been nothing but attacked on this thread...which makes you wonder at what point everyone threw their manners and etiquitte books out the window?

I don't think anyone is "attacking" you. I think people are trying to help you see why it is rude to bring uninvited guests, and all the things associated. And not just you either, but everyone in general.

No one says you can't invite the entire family. No one says when you receive an invitation it isn't for the entire family--I, for one, have not seen your children's birthday party invites.

But, maybe, you are assuming the whole family is invited, from time to time, when they are not. Maybe not. But there will come a time, as your kids get older, that at least once your children will be invited to a party where their siblings are not. Don't you want them to behave accordingly? To know the proper etiquette? To practice good manners? To not be the family that is talked about later? You do not, under any circumstances, have to accept those invitations, but you (and your children) should know how to respond to them.

 

[imthatgirl]

This is what I don't understand--who is inviting the whole class? Very few. My DS invited 4 kids out of 25 from his class last year. It’s just he also invited 5 from cub scouts (out of 14). He invited 3 from basketball (out of 12). He invited 4 from baseball (out of 16). He invited 2 kids from the neighborhood who are homeschooled and 2 kids from the neighborhood who go to private school. He then invited 3 kids who he has been friends with since preschool and still sees several times a month. Then there were the 4 kids he invited from school that have been in previous classes and still plays with regularly. He then invited his 3 cousins who are close to. That's still roughly 30 kids. A whole $12.30 in postage.

I fail to see how it is nice to pass out invitations in front of other kids. I get they aren't doing it in class, during class. Here is how I see it. Four kids are standing around waiting for the bus. Little Mary gives 3 of the invitations to the group, leaving little Jane out. Now, Mary and Jane aren't friends, but they aren't enemies. But both are friends with Sue, Betty, and Sara, which is why Jane was with them. Mary doesn't mean to be mean; she might not realize she is being mean because dear old mom and dad never taught her that was rude. But Jane has now had it flaunted in her face that she isn't invited to do this really cool party and also, none of her friends will be around.

As far as:

Isn't it your job to teach her that there are rules, what they are and to follow them? Especially when you couple it with:

i think ive said at least 15 times that of course my children dont hand them out if there is a child standning right there...i really dont understand why this is so hard to comprehend??
and also like i have said over and over and over again WE DONT HAVE THAT RULE HERE...so your point is mute.

 

[dogluva]

I'm 41 years old, and I can't remember once, in my lifetime, of having my parents attend a birthday party with me! In my area, parents would be dumbfounded if the entire family was invited, and would probably decline the invitation, either because they were weirded out, or because weekends are VERY busy, and who has the time to have an entire family go to a birthday party, when they don't even really know the family.

Same here. I am also 41 and my mother would have rather have had an operation than attend a party with me. I have six kids and very rarely stay (my older kids would rather have an operation than have me stay at a party with them, they would also not attend if the whole family was invited).

I would find it strange if I my family was asked to attend a party for a five year old. I don't think my teenagers would appreciate it.

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't think anyone is "attacking" you. I think people are trying to help you see why it is rude to bring uninvited guests, and all the things associated. And not just you either, but everyone in general.

No one says you can't invite the entire family. No one says when you receive an invitation it isn't for the entire family--I, for one, have not seen your children's birthday party invites.

But, maybe, you are assuming the whole family is invited, from time to time, when they are not. Maybe not. But there will come a time, as your kids get older, that at least once your children will be invited to a party where their siblings are not. Don't you want them to behave accordingly? To know the proper etiquette? To practice good manners? To not be the family that is talked about later? You do not, under any circumstances, have to accept those invitations, but you (and your children) should know how to respond to them.

OMG, this again...i have never said that it was ok to bring uninvited guests to a party...do i need to scream it off a building...those words never came off of my keyboard!!!

as far as not being attacked, i did go back and read the post and i was wrong, there really is only one very rude person who keeps attacking me, for really no reason, i shouldnt have grouped everyone together. sometimes on a thread you forget who wrote what after a couple pages.
some people are just rude, ill have to just write her off as one of those people.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I don't think anyone is "attacking" you. I think people are trying to help you see why it is rude to bring uninvited guests, and all the things associated. And not just you either, but everyone in general.

No one says you can't invite the entire family. No one says when you receive an invitation it isn't for the entire family--I, for one, have not seen your children's birthday party invites.

But, maybe, you are assuming the whole family is invited, from time to time, when they are not. Maybe not. But there will come a time, as your kids get older, that at least once your children will be invited to a party where their siblings are not. Don't you want them to behave accordingly? To know the proper etiquette? To practice good manners? To not be the family that is talked about later? You do not, under any circumstances, have to accept those invitations, but you (and your children) should know how to respond to them.

What about trying to help everyone see that its somewhat rude to be exclusionary? To only invite certain members of ones family?

I think its hilarious you all are horrified to think that someone might hand out invites in class and not include everyone..but have no problem telling a child that you are not welcome here because you are a sibling? what about that childs feelings??

I don't believe we need to characterize this as you are right and others are wrong...just be very specific of your wishes on your birthday invites and be prepared to be very clear if someone requests a sibling join.. If you feel so strongly about it..then you should be very bold in your response.

I think there are two different types of parties that we seem to have...One with a small group of your childs friends (and families because you would know them well). And a large group of classmates that you may not know very well. I prefer the former as I think its important to get to know the families of my childrens friends. Again just our preference.. and that may be where the differing opinions come from.

 

[Momvic5]

well then thats exactly what i said we do, now isnt it . my daughter hands them out on the bus, at the bus stop and during the time they are playing before school. i would imagine all kids do that. of course they would give them out the minute they saw their friends, why would anyone wait till they were in class?

Please do not think I was attacking you or your post. I just read your post about never seeing such a rule and thought I would share the reasoning of the rule as it was explained to us parents. You would be surprised at the amount of notes that teachers receive asking them to pass out party invitations. The rule just makes life at school easier for the teachers.

 

[imthatgirl]

Please do not think I was attacking you or your post. I just read your post about never seeing such a rule and thought I would share the reasoning of the rule as it was explained to us parents. You would be surprised at the amount of notes that teachers receive asking them to pass out party invitations. The rule just makes life at school easier for the teachers.

having the teacher pass them out? oh my, i would never ask that of my childrens teachers.

 

[Momvic5]

having the teacher pass them out? oh my, i would never ask that of my childrens teachers.

Crazy isn't it!!

I see you are going to WDW in two weeks. How exciting. We are going in December, and it just can't get here soon enough!

 

[rt2dz]

i think ive said at least 15 times that of course my children dont hand them out if there is a child standning right there...i really dont understand why this is so hard to comprehend??
and also like i have said over and over and over again WE DONT HAVE THAT RULE HERE...so your point is mute.

I didn't say you had that rule there, although, read your handbook to double check. I've never ran across anyone who doesn't have that rule, but you could have a school that doesn't--it's possible.

Are you with your child when they hand out their invitations? I have never ran across a parent who rides the bus and you said it is handed out on the bus, so I'm thinking you are not there to know. Therefore, you are only *assuming* your child doesn't hand them out near other uninvited kids. What about the child sitting across the aisle? Or in front? Or behind? I'm assuming when your child hands them out, it isn't a covert operation, and something could, even if unintentionally, happen. Maybe when little Susie gets the invitation she gets excited and someone overhears. Maybe. Or Maybe Susie thinks Jane is invited and says something to her in the excitement, like "Are you invited?”

These are kids. It happens. I volunteer a lot at the school, and I see it happen, because parents like you (even though you don't have that rule, what you said you'd do if you had it) ignore it. Or kids hand them out on the way to school. It's more likely to happen during recent receipt v. if the child receives the invitation at home after school.

Oh, and the point is to explain why that rule exists. You have said you think it is horrible; if not necessarily in those words.

 

[rt2dz]

What about trying to help everyone see that its somewhat rude to be exclusionary? To only invite certain members of ones family?

I think its hilarious you all are horrified to think that someone might hand out invites in class and not include everyone..but have no problem telling a child that you are not welcome here because you are a sibling? what about that childs feelings??

I don't believe we need to characterize this as you are right and others are wrong...just be very specific of your wishes on your birthday invites and be prepared to be very clear if someone requests a sibling join.. If you feel so strongly about it..then you should be very bold in your response.

I think there are two different types of parties that we seem to have...One with a small group of your childs friends (and families because you would know them well). And a large group of classmates that you may not know very well. I prefer the former as I think its important to get to know the families of my childrens friends. Again just our preference.. and that may be where the differing opinions come from.

I am not horrified at a child passing out invitations during class. I just see why, and agree with, the reasoning of why schools ask parents not to. Big difference.

I never tell a child they aren't welcome at a party if they show up uninvited. I make do. It isn't the child's fault. But I don't invite the child. And by the fact the invitation isn't addressed to the uninvited child, that is very clear. I didn't invite everyone I know to my wedding either. And heck, my child doesn't know all of his friends' siblings. Why would my 8yo be hanging out with a 2yo? Or even a 5yo? Or a 14yo? Something is seriously wrong if that is the case. And why should I be expected to pay for and entertain people I don't know/barely know?

I think it is great that you are friends with the entire family of your children’s' friends. I, personally, don't like all my children’s' friends' parents, or at least not to the point where we would be anything beyond mild acquaintances. But that doesn't mean that my child can't be friends with that child. I don't have all the same interests as my child either. It probably explains why we have different tastes in friends too.

My kids are allowed to be friends with whoever makes them happy, not me. I would never have allowed my mother to pick out my friends. That's a huge set-up for major rebellion in the teen years. So is trying to limit the size of a child's social circle. I would never try to tell one of my kids they had to limit the number of friends they could have. Oh, and even for my child who has chosen to have a smaller social circle, I'm not friends with all friends' parents either.

I can't even figure out to be friends with all (I have 3) of my kids friends' parents, and their families. I would be exhausted! That's a lot of people to keep up with. And I still have my friends who don't have children the same age as my children. I really would never sleep. Maybe you live in a much smaller area and naturally have a smaller social circle.

Oh, and I have for one have never said it is right v. wrong--except in the case of bringing an uninvited guest; that is never right. Just trying to explain a different school of thought.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am not horrified at a child passing out invitations during class. I just see why, and agree with, the reasoning of why schools ask parents not to. Big difference.

I never tell a child they aren't welcome at a party if they show up uninvited. I make do. It isn't the child's fault. But I don't invite the child. And by the fact the invitation isn't addressed to the uninvited child, that is very clear. I didn't invite everyone I know to my wedding either. And heck, my child doesn't know all of his friends' siblings. Why would my 8yo be hanging out with a 2yo? Or even a 5yo? Or a 14yo? Something is seriously wrong if that is the case. And why should I be expected to pay for and entertain people I don't know/barely know?

I think it is great that you are friends with the entire family of your children’s' friends. I, personally, don't like all my children’s' friends' parents, or at least not to the point where we would be anything beyond mild acquaintances. But that doesn't mean that my child can't be friends with that child. I don't have all the same interests as my child either. It probably explains why we have different tastes in friends too.

My kids are allowed to be friends with whoever makes them happy, not me. I would never have allowed my mother to pick out my friends. That's a huge set-up for major rebellion in the teen years. So is trying to limit the size of a child's social circle. I would never try to tell one of my kids they had to limit the number of friends they could have. Oh, and even for my child who has chosen to have a smaller social circle, I'm not friends with all friends' parents either.

I can't even figure out to be friends with all (I have 3) of my kids friends' parents, and their families. I would be exhausted! That's a lot of people to keep up with. And I still have my friends who don't have children the same age as my children. I really would never sleep. Maybe you live in a much smaller area and naturally have a smaller social circle.

Oh, and I have for one have never said it is right v. wrong--except in the case of bringing an uninvited guest; that is never right. Just trying to explain a different school of thought.

I agree with everything you said - with 5 kids, I am not friends with all of their friends' parents, and friends change (especiall dd12! ). I think the poster you quoted had a 4 and 1 year old - totally different scenario. I think I might remember inviting families way back then - I wanted to meet new people with kids the same ages as my kids - but now, only classmates are invited (and my family has never been invited to a party for my child's classmate - we go to family parties, but because OUR friends invite us over, not for a party).

 

[rt2dz]

I agree with everything you said - with 5 kids, I am not friends with all of their friends' parents, and friends change (especiall dd12! ). I think the poster you quoted had a 4 and 1 year old - totally different scenario. I think I might remember inviting families way back then - I wanted to meet new people with kids the same ages as my kids - but now, only classmates are invited (and my family has never been invited to a party for my child's classmate - we go to family parties, but because OUR friends invite us over, not for a party).

You know, that would explain a lot. Only two children and very young. Yes, I don't think it was until pre-k that the whole family wasn't invited, but that was because I did control the social circle. At that age, if you don't like the parents, a friendship won't work.

Yup, now when whole families get together it is not for a child's birthday party. Just get togethers. And really, much more fun.