OT Help! Considering quitting job to be SAHM.

[momoftwodisneykids]

Since I have gotten such great advice reading posts on this board, I am coming to you for help.

I have been working as a teacher for the past two years (previously was a RN). My job has become so stressful that it is affecting my health. In the past two years I have become severely depressed twice (to the point of considering suicide), and now I am having heart palpitations, and I can't eat or sleep. I have lost 10 lbs in the past 10 days. I can't blame it totally on the job, as I am just the kind of person who will give until it hurts and then give some more. I get to work early, leave late, and bring work home. More importantly, it is affecting my relationships with my DH and kids.

There is no doubt in my mind that I have to quit, but I am trying to figure out how we can possibly survive on only one income (we will be losing $40K/year with my quitting work). Oh, and I forgot to mention we both just got new cars at the end of August, so we can't just go down to one car without taking a huge loss.

I also feel that my kids need me at home right now. My son is 16 and is going through a tough time with changing schools and my daughter is 6 and needs a mom who can spend some time with her instead of working until midnight every night.

Anyway, any help and support you can give would be appreciated. Thanks.

Joanne
(Hopelessly confused in Florida)

 

[TheLittleRoo]

First of all, I am hearing lots of confusion and anxiety in your post and I'm sorry you're struggling with all these problems right now. Several things jump out as options for you, as I read your post.

First to consider, how safe is your husband's income? Given the economy and your budget, it sounds like it would be tight on one paycheck. If your DH's job is not ultra stable (fed govt, etc) I would hesitate to put yourself in a position where you may be facing a job search in the future after a gap in employment.

Second, it sounds like you were probably equally stressed in your RN position, which may have caused you to make a career change into teaching. If that's the case, there's a pattern you need to work on with some counseling and relaxation techniques. All that anxiety won't just go away - you will take it with you even if you stay home with the kids, KWIM? It may not be your job you need to fix, maybe it's how you react to stress...

Third, instead of all or nothing, what if you started subbing or find a part time job? Since your kids are in school during the day, you could even find a job that helps pay the bills, but it a "leave it at the door" kind of mentality. You'd still be home when your kids come home from school, but the extra money would help make ends meet.

It sounds like you have a great skillset to work with, I would focus on stepping down in hours but keeping a foot in the door in case you find yourself in dire straits.

 

[JoyG]

Is it possible to find a less stressful teaching situation? Or change careers?

My family wouldn't be able to survive a 40K a year income drop. I teach too and if my job got to be too much I'd have to find a job in another field.

Are you under a doctors care for the stress and heart issues? Is it possible to get disability income if you leave your job due to the health problems?

 

[cheesekate2005]

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time. Can you take a leave of absence until you make a definite decision? Most people do not understand how difficult a job teaching can be - it is not a job where you leave at 3:00 and you are finished for the day.

I don't know if you can totally rework your budget to swing going down to one income, but many people do it, we did it for a few years. You would have to work the numbers and see if it is possible.

Could you possibly get a job as a teaching assistant or a teaching aide, you will get paid a lot less but have kid friendly hours and you won't be doing work at home and be dealing with meetings, parents, curriculum and all that? You would also probably be part of the same union/retirement system which would be nice. And, when your kids are grown you can go back to teaching if it seems like the right thing to do. Or possibly take a position tutoring or a p/t teaching job, or subbing? These are all things that you are totally qualified for but would require a lot less commitment.

The most important thing is your health and family...good luck.

 

[JoyG]

and now I am having heart palpitations, and I can't eat or sleep. I have lost 10 lbs in the past 10 days.

Another thing I thought of about this section. Is even if you don't end up quitting, you should probably use some sick time to take a week or so off. As a teacher you probably have liberal sick time. Does your union offer additional days? My union has a sick bank with days we can use after we've used up our own.

 

[CuteAndFluffy]

First off---HUGS! It sounds like you are in a really bad place right now. I can't say I know what you're going through, but I've had dark times like that in my own life. Confusion about which way to go, the black thoughts, the feeling of no way out...You'll get through!!


As for advice:

First, find a good psychologist/psychyatrist. Someone who can help you get your oxygen mask on first before trying to help everyone else. Even in a few sessions, you may start to find some clarity. And you may be better able to manage the stresses of work if you have some outside support/help/medication. The important thing is to be HONEST when talking with them. Don't try to paint a rosy picture to make them feel like they're doing their job...be frank, do the work, make your mental health the priority!

Second, it does sound like a career change may be in order, but I'd focus on putting your family in the best possible financial position first. While you may take a hit on getting rid of your car, going down to a much more manageable single car payment, paying down whatever other debt you may have, saving if debt is taken care of...You can make it through the school year, but if you have goals, it makes it easier to go in every day. You aren't just working to keep afloat, but you're working toward a better future for you and your family.

Third, --and I'm being quite frank right now-- being a SAHM sounds more like an escape hatch right now than like the best choice for you and your soundness. One thing that happens to me when I'm in a depression is that I start to float--it's difficult to put it better than that. It's the not showering, not getting out of bed, not seeing friends, becoming withdrawn place. I need some structure in my life. The less i have, the worse it gets...

Fourth, it's hard to know from this little post if this advice helps at all. You'll KNOW if you need to be home. You'll KNOW if you need to leave your job mid-year. But it sounds like you need to help you right now. The rest will fall into place.

Cheers and much hope for a better tomorrow...

 

[princessmorgan]

I think only you can figure out what needs to be done, because only you know all the circumstances-how much your mortgage is, how much debt/savings you have, whether you can really survive on one income, etc.

However that being said, from what you said on your post, if it were me I would sell one of your new cars (especially if you don't need it to go to work) and buy a used car. Yes, you would take a loss, but if you could get rid of a car payment, I think that would be a relief. If you are not in a financial position to have only one income, then instead of your relationship suffering with your DH and kids b/c of your job, then it will be affected by money problems and financial fights. Talk to DH and sit down and come up with a plan. Maybe you could find a part time day job with the school system so you can work while your children are at school, but still be home when they are home. My sister is a part time guidance secretary and she likes it.

Also I hope you have talked to a professional about your depression. It sounds pretty serious if you have thought about suicide. Your children need a happy mother. Being a SHM is a hard job. I am one, and it takes a lot of sacrifice, but for me it's worth it. For others it's not. Only you and your family can figure out what will make your family happiest together. Hope that helps a little.

 

[JoyG]

Third, --and I'm being quite frank right now-- being a SAHM sounds more like an escape hatch right now than like the best choice for you and your soundness. One thing that happens to me when I'm in a depression is that I start to float--it's difficult to put it better than that. It's the not showering, not getting out of bed, not seeing friends, becoming withdrawn place. I need some structure in my life. The less i have, the worse it gets...

So true! I've battled periods of depression in my life and the ones that occured during summer months when I didn't have to get up to go to work have been the hardest.

 

[Mickeyherewecome123]

Hi JoAnne,
I just wanted to say, sounds like you need a hug
I have to agree with the pp, it sounds like you take on way too much and you put too much pressure on yourself. Have you considered, speaking to your doctor about this. He might have a suggestion. It sounds like, to me, that you would be this stressed no matter what job you do.

I am a sahm of 5 year old twin boys and its not a barrel of laughs everyday. We have our very stressful days sometimes. But we have wonderful funfilled days too.

Good luck in this very difficult decision you have to make.
Fran

 

[jodifla]

Since I have gotten such great advice reading posts on this board, I am coming to you for help.

I have been working as a teacher for the past two years (previously was a RN). My job has become so stressful that it is affecting my health. In the past two years I have become severely depressed twice (to the point of considering suicide), and now I am having heart palpitations, and I can't eat or sleep. I have lost 10 lbs in the past 10 days. I can't blame it totally on the job, as I am just the kind of person who will give until it hurts and then give some more. I get to work early, leave late, and bring work home. More importantly, it is affecting my relationships with my DH and kids.

There is no doubt in my mind that I have to quit, but I am trying to figure out how we can possibly survive on only one income (we will be losing $40K/year with my quitting work). Oh, and I forgot to mention we both just got new cars at the end of August, so we can't just go down to one car without taking a huge loss.

I also feel that my kids need me at home right now. My son is 16 and is going through a tough time with changing schools and my daughter is 6 and needs a mom who can spend some time with her instead of working until midnight every night.

Anyway, any help and support you can give would be appreciated. Thanks.

Joanne
(Hopelessly confused in Florida)

What grade do you teach? This sounds like a lot of stress for a teacher, although I do realize that NCLB has made the teacher's life WAY worse.

During the really low points of my job, I would tell myself this: ANy day I can quit. I can just give notice and have it be over.

That made it all more bearable for me...I knew there was an escape clause.

Personally, I think anyone with a job at this point should hold on tight until they have another job. With the economy the way it is, it's very hard to know what the future holds, and being without income is incredibly stressful.

Also, I do think counseling is a good idea. You need to find a way to deconnect enough from your job that it's not doing this kind of thing to you, especially since this is already a second career.

Good luck to you!

 

[momoftwodisneykids]

Thank you all for your quick (and helpful) responses. My husband is also a teacher. He teaches ESE (special ed), so his job is pretty stable as no one wants there jobs.

As far as the stress as working as an RN, yes, it was stressful on some of the days I worked, but once I walked out the door, I left it behind. I have considered possibly working at our local hospital one or two days a week to help supplement out income, but only after I can get my health under control. I am seeing a psychiatrist and she is working to get my meds adjusted (although that is a totally different issue, as the meds cost a ton--trying to get them from Canada so we will see on that). I have also seen my medical doctor and they did an EKG, which was normal. They wanted to do a 24 hour Holter monitor, but my present insurance (through my job) has a 3000 deductible before it pays anything and I am sure that is way expensive, so we have put this off, as the palpitations have been better since I took last Thursday and Friday off and I am taking off in Monday 10/13.

I have been crunching numbers and it is looking like we can make some major cuts to our budget (like getting rid of Fios at $158/month and going with basic cable and cheaper internet). We will still keep our cellphones. Our biggest area of savings can be with our food bills. I figured out that in August alone, we spent over $1000 eating out, plus $350 in groceries. That is totally out of control, but both DH and I have been so stressed that by the time we get home, neither of us has the energy to cook.

We will also be getting rid of XM radio and Blockbuster DVD rental and we should save on gas (was driving a total of 40 miles round trip to work).

Again thanks for the kind thoughts and any money saving tips would be greatly appreciated.

Joanne

 

[mrsklamc]

Maybe working as a nurse per diem would be a good answer for you...

Also, consider what the change in tax brackets would do to the amount of taxes you pay. I'm guessing a $40k drop should be significant.

 

[momoftwodisneykids]

tal health the priority!


Third, --and I'm being quite frank right now-- being a SAHM sounds more like an escape hatch right now than like the best choice for you and your soundness. One thing that happens to me when I'm in a depression is that I start to float--it's difficult to put it better than that. It's the not showering, not getting out of bed, not seeing friends, becoming withdrawn place. I need some structure in my life. The less i have, the worse it gets...

I really don't think being a SAHM is an escape. I did it for two years after my daughter was born and, yes, it is much tougher than most people can understand.

I'll be honest, my depression seems to be getting a little better, knowing that in two weeks time, I will not have to deal with the ridiculous demands put on teachers by administration, parents, students, and myself (as I am not blameless in this situation). I know this is not a cure all, as staying at home will mean major financial sacrifices for my family. However, as I have said multiple times to my teenage son (and I have not been following my own advice), I need to get my priorities straight on needs versus wants. Wants have become out of control and they are still not making me or my family happy. My kids just want a mom who will spend time with them. My 6 yo DD is constantly asking mom to "spend time with me" and I am tired of having to put her off.

I appreciate the frankness of some of your responses, as this may be the wake up call I need.

Joanne

 

[momoftwodisneykids]

Maybe working as a nurse per diem would be a good answer for you...

Also, consider what the change in tax brackets would do to the amount of taxes you pay. I'm guessing a $40k drop should be significant.

I am considering working prn at our local hospital, but not for at least a month or two. I should not have a problem getting a job here in Florida, especially as the snowbirds start their annual migration.


I really could use some good money saving tips, though, if I am going to make this work. Any and all would be a huge help.

Thanks in advance.

Joanne

 

[mrsklamc]

Well I have to agree on some of the needs vs. wants things, cause I don't even know what a 'fios' is, so you must not need it

All of us could use help with that, though.

Don't use it as an escape hatch, but it may be that you need a bit of a break.

 

[momoftwodisneykids]

Hi JoAnne,
I just wanted to say, sounds like you need a hug
I have to agree with the pp, it sounds like you take on way too much and you put too much pressure on yourself. Have you considered, speaking to your doctor about this. He might have a suggestion. It sounds like, to me, that you would be this stressed no matter what job you do.

I am a sahm of 5 year old twin boys and its not a barrel of laughs everyday. We have our very stressful days sometimes. But we have wonderful funfilled days too.

Good luck in this very difficult decision you have to make.
Fran

I see you are a pug fan. We have two little fur babies ourselves, Pugsley and Mugsey (affectionately called Moogie since my DD couldn't say Mugsey when we got him). They are the best at helping to cheer me up, as they don't judge me and love me no matter what.

Joanne

 

[czycropper]

Take a breath! You sound exactly how I was a year ago August. I was making way over $40k but was stressed to the max with job responsibilities, house responsibilities (even with a wonderful DH who helps ALOT) & my DDs after-school activities AND yes, to the point that I became very depressed.

I sat down with my family and we discussed it and what I did was quit my stressful job (I was the administrator of a law association), I went to work as a temp which eventually lead to the job that I'm currently doing which is working part-time (actually 5-6 days a month) and I stay home the rest of the time.

My health is back to what it was years ago, I'm still able to use my brain while I'm at work and I'm home to take care of my family without the phone calls, etc from my previous job.

I know that the decision I made is not for everyone and I'm not saying that it hasn't been without it's drawbacks (mostly money cutting) BUT I was asked yesterday on my birthday, "how I was?" AND for the first time in I don't how many years I was able to answer "FANTASTIC" and actually meaning it

Good luck with your decision.

 

[kathianne]

Don't forget about health insurance. Do you currently insure your family through your job, or through your husband's job? If you quit your job, and wish to continue through them for health insurance, it will soar, about 4x what you're paying now. Check into your employer's Cobra plan, its a shocker! And don't think you can just buy insurance on the open market. If you have any previous existing conditions, and your psychiatric considiton would be considered pre existing, you either could not get insurance at all through many plans or the premiums would be very expensive with a rider that would exclude any pre existing conditions, for an extended period of time or forever.

Don't just assume you can get insurance simply because you need it! If you stay on your husband's policy you should be ok! Good Luck

 

[lucigo]

If you quit would you be able to substitute? Maybe that could help offset your costs some also. Is your husband supportive? I would think that would really help also!

 

[minniemee]

I can definitely relate! I quit my job as an RN last June to be a SAHM. My husband got a new job making more money and I jumped on the chance to check out of the working world!
So far it's been great. I have 2 boys, 6 and 14 y/o. They love that I can be there for them so much. When I worked I had to be at work at 5:30am, so I never got to bring them to school. Now I bring and pick them up everyday. It's been fantastic. We did have to cut back on alot of unnecessary spending though.
The kids got to public school now instead of private. And we eat out alot less. We all get less clothes, gadgets, and extras, but I think it's paying off for the kids well being!
Good luck Joanne and I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have! Our annual income is probably now 15,000 less, but we are not suffering by any means!