OT: Gift Venting

[JoiseyMom]

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I can say I have "been under the hoof" with a horrible, nasty, mean-spirited, downright cruel sister-in-law for more years than I care to remember.. And you know what? There's another saying that is applicable here:

"If you don't want to get walked on, don't lay on the floor.."

I should think that if the OP truly wanted to put this issue to rest (and not develop ulcers, high blood pressure and a host of other ills) she would simply stop the gift exchange and have as little to do with this SIL as possible.. Instead she chooses to hang on to a "burning ember" - that is burning only herself - and providing her SIL with a great deal of enjoyment in watching her get so upset..

We all have choices.. Once we've made the choice, then we have to live with the consequences of that choice.. I simply have nothing to do with my sister-in-law - and never will.. My own health is much more important to me than her sick twisted games..

I really don't have a choice. The choice is I put up with her and her "stuff", or I have no relationship with my brother and his family. I won't do that to my kids. As I said in another post, my neice and my DD are the same age, same grade, and in the same school. They will stay in the same schools with the same freinds unless one of us moves, or until the girls graduate HS. So I will put up with her "stuff" and I will vent, and next year, I will suggest anything, as I did last year, and just deal with what we get. I WILL NOT lose my family because of her, as she caused in the past. The rift I had with her made the last 6 months of my mother's life horrible, and I won't do that. I also won't deny my dd her cousins. We exchange gifts for holiday's and birthdays, I can deal with that. I am also allowed to vent about, but I will vent to my friends, who don't slam me, and judge me, and who understand me.

 

[christinadei]

I really don't have a choice. The choice is I put up with her and her "stuff", or I have no relationship with my brother and his family. I won't do that to my kids. As I said in another post, my neice and my DD are the same age, same grade, and in the same school. They will stay in the same schools with the same freinds unless one of us moves, or until the girls graduate HS. So I will put up with her "stuff" and I will vent, and next year, I will suggest anything, as I did last year, and just deal with what we get. I WILL NOT lose my family because of her, as she caused in the past. The rift I had with her made the last 6 months of my mother's life horrible, and I won't do that. I also won't deny my dd her cousins. We exchange gifts for holiday's and birthdays, I can deal with that. I am also allowed to vent about, but I will vent to my friends, who don't slam me, and judge me, and who understand me.

You can choose to get over it and not to let her get to you. You can choose to not let petty things like what she bought your son, get you all stressed out. Life is too short. so you don't like her and she bought the wrong gift, get over it. It will make your life (and your kids') happier. There is no reason to make it a big deal.

 

[JoiseyMom]

You can choose to get over it and not to let her get to you. You can choose to not let petty things like what she bought your son, get you all stressed out. Life is too short. so you don't like her and she bought the wrong gift, get over it. It will make your life (and your kids') happier. There is no reason to make it a big deal.

I can choose to vent, and that is what I do. And again, it wasn't about what she bought. It was that she asked what he wanted, and again, didn't listen. I am over it...I vented...but now I am getted slammed for venting, and hating my sil, and being selfish, and rude, and the list goes on.

 

[pooksma]

vent away!!!!! Sometimes we need to do just that. Go for it and feel better afterwards! I spent most of my Christmas Day p'd off and would have loved to get it out. Had to wait 2 days for the gym to open but man what a workout I had!!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

vent away!!!!! Sometimes we need to do just that. Go for it and feel better afterwards! I spent most of my Christmas Day p'd off and would have loved to get it out. Had to wait 2 days for the gym to open but man what a workout I had!!!!

HUGS!!! & Thank you!!! I hope you have a very Happy New Year! I know I will be .

 

[JoiseyMom]

You're entitled to vent, your SIL may be selfish, there may be a lot of history but that doesn't change the fact that most of us think you're wrong. I think in addition to venting you should take a deep breath, step back and realize that there may be legitimate differences on how people act on gift suggestions.

Thank you, I am entitled to vent, I so appreciate your approval. I don't understand how I can be wrong, when I didn't do anything but vent my frustration over a situation with another person. How are feelings wrong?? And yes, there are many ways to deal and act with gift suggestions of course there are, and none are right or wrong, just different. I am sure there are many people that will deal with the same situation in different ways. I didn't say that any other way people suggested was wrong, at least not for them. All I did was vent about a situation, that yes, will happen again, cuase she ain't changing. And I will vent again, that she did it again. And ya know what...life goes on.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

How are feelings wrong??

I just personally don't subscribe to the notion that whatever it is we feel is automatically ok. I think that in life we have choices on how we are going to let events and people effect us and sometimes we really do have to make an effort to CHOOSE to look at the positive side of things.

I think in this case -- your SIL bought your son a present. Sure, it wasn't the present you wanted him to receive, but she still took the time and effort to buy the present and then your Brother took the time to drive the present to your house and deliver it.

I think you have a choice here. You can choose to feel happy that your kids have relatives who care enough about them to buy them something, even if it is not the right something. Or you can choose to let the toxic history with this SIL color this and every upcoming event with negative emotions. You can continue to keep your imaginary scorecard detailing what a horrible woman she might be. Let's face it, if you try hard enough, I'm sure you can color almost anything in a bad light.

Sure, vent away.... but does it really make you feel happier? Somehow, I doubt it.

 

[Jen D]

Sounds like MIL wanted more boxes and items for the $$$ she was spending. Can't you just exchange the AG stuff for the AG Kit she wants? Aren't they both sold in the same store?

In retrospect, I guess... but MIL would want to be thanked by dd for the specific items, and then we'd exchange them... I agree your solution is practical but something about the whole thing seems off.. there will be more birthdays/holidays and a chance to get the doll she wants. DD is even rumbling about saving for it herself, I'll be interested to see if she has the discipline to do that (and if she reaches her goal if she feels like spending all that money on a doll). In any case dd liked the gifts she got, doll or no.

 

[JoiseyMom]

and then your Brother took the time to drive the present to your house and deliver it.

Sure, vent away.... but does it really make you feel happier? Somehow, I doubt it.

My brother did not take the time to deliver the presents to my house. The gifts for my 2 youngest children were handed to my 21 year old son to bring to my house. And btw, my 21 year old isn't sleeping at my house currently, he is house sitting for his grandparents.

Yes, venting does make me feel happier, why wouldn't it. Should I bottle it up and let it fester?? When things annoy me, I vent, I then feel better. Am I supposed to stop letting things annoy me? Well if that were the case, then I would be a Pollyanna or a saint or dead, and none of those options appeal to me. I will vent thanks .

 

[nbodyhome]

I do agree that if someone stresses you out - including relatives, there is no obligation to do gift giving, or even to see them regularly. My mom very rarely talks to her brother, and I thought it was horrible - that everyone should talk to their family. Well, after having a relationship with him and his family for a while, I know why they don't talk. He isn't a nice person.

If someone gives a gift and it isn't usable, the answer is easy - you donate it. If you think they were being mean-spirited or something in the gift, I'd let them know that it was being donated. If it was done in a spirit of goodwill, I'd donate it after a time and wouldn't let them know. I don't ever ask for anything, unless it's my husband and he wants to know what to get me. Not every gift is something I'll use, but I do my best and then give it away if I can't incorporate it into my household.

Denise

 

[roque]

to avoid this frustration and anger you could simply adv her not to get them anything to maybe send a donation to a charity and then tell the kids that someone less fortunate is going to be the recepiant (sp?)

 

[Karenj2]

Ok, I totally get that you're venting, and that you're allowed to vent, and that your SIL is "rude", and that you have history between you, etc...

The people here have given you some good ideas/solutions on what you can do about the duplicate gift, and gift-giving in general. It's up to you to take it or not.

Personally, I'd recommend the idea of talking to your rabbi or a counselor - no one should have that much stress in their lives...

 

[JoiseyMom]

Ok, I totally get that you're venting, and that you're allowed to vent, and that your SIL is "rude", and that you have history between you, etc...

The people here have given you some good ideas/solutions on what you can do about the duplicate gift, and gift-giving in general. It's up to you to take it or not.

Personally, I'd recommend the idea of talking to your rabbi or a counselor - no one should have that much stress in their lives...

Geez....LOL, unbelievable. I came to vent...silly me that was all. I know that I can donate the gift..I know that I can return the gift, I even wrote that I was considering asking my brother where she got it. I got blasted a new you know what for that one, and all I was doing was considering talking to my brother. I don't need counseling, there is not that much stress in my life, at least not where my sil is concerned, I don't have that much to do with her to stress over.

All I wanted to do was to vent (as in let off some steam so as to not stress), over her again, not listening. Is that so hard to understand??? I have had more stress from the responses here then my sil.

 

[Debbie]

I WILL NOT lose my family because of her, as she caused in the past. The rift I had with her made the last 6 months of my mother's life horrible, and I won't do that. I also won't deny my dd her cousins.

This is a good way to look at it. Good luck!

 

[DMRick]

How did your SIL's family get the gifts you gave?

 

[NikiM20]

I understand not wanting to keep the gift that your son has so many of already I also understand the SIL from H-E- double hockey sticks So for our DD6 we have started asking close relatives for a small savings bond and just a VERY small gift for her to open and not feel left out. I am the aunt to 4 boys (2 of my sis, 1 of my stepbro, and 1 of my BIL) and it can get hard to buy for sometimes. And I know all about holiday stress so to you!!! Keep Smiling

 

[JoiseyMom]

How did your SIL's family get the gifts you gave?

I will be bringing them over on Friday if they are home. I will of course, call first to make sure it is ok.

 

[Dznypal]

when my inlaws ask what you need or want for Christmas what you say is what you get--- this was Christmas of 04


so we needed/wanted 2 things---one was a larger george foreman grill the other was a new blanket and quilt for our bed soooo

when both DS and inlaws asked we told DS the grill and inlaws the beeding---

well for some reason inlaws got us the grill----and of course DS/DDIL also got us the grill...we were able to exchange the grill for the bedding

they have always gottens us specificlly(sp)

so this year they said they were going to give money and asked if that was ok--fine with us--but they wanted a idea of something small so wed have something to open--so the only Disney ornament from this year I didnt have was the soda shoppe one so I gave as my idea--my MIL said--well just as long as you dont give that as an idea to someone else!!!

I lept thinking of the grill from the year before!!!

as to the OP I would just return the items. its not helping anyone if your not good to use the gifts so thats just a waste of money and even you exchange the gifts it would still from you SIL

good luck

 

[C.Ann]

I really don't have a choice. The choice is I put up with her and her "stuff", or I have no relationship with my brother and his family. I won't do that to my kids. As I said in another post, my neice and my DD are the same age, same grade, and in the same school. They will stay in the same schools with the same freinds unless one of us moves, or until the girls graduate HS. So I will put up with her "stuff" and I will vent, and next year, I will suggest anything, as I did last year, and just deal with what we get. I WILL NOT lose my family because of her, as she caused in the past..

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So basically what you're saying is that your brother also feels you should be a door mat to his wife? Because if that's not the case, there is no reason you can't have a relationship with your brother and your neice without being involved with your sister-in-law..

There are always choices - but often times people are so blinded by other emotions they can't see the forest for the trees..

 

[TallyLassie]

Personally, I'd recommend the idea of talking to your rabbi or a counselor - no one should have that much stress in their lives...

Whoa, the op was just venting about her SIL. I don’t think there is enough information in the post to suggest that she needed counseling. Almost everyone in their lifetime has someone that is able to get under our skin. It is unfortunate when it is a relative that we have to continue to deal with. There is probably much more to this situation than the yearly gift exchange.

I have gotten many gifts that I thought “what were they thinking?” One year my mom got me that Suzanne Sommers thigh buster! But, I know she really thought I would like it. She is not a mean spirited person.

Next year don’t even give your SIL a list. She won’t buy anything you ask for anyway just to annoy you.

No, just venting doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. However, when you have a friend that you vent to and they have some empathy and say “Gee, I am really sorry, what a bummer” then hopefully you DO feel better.