OT: Gift Venting

[JoiseyMom]

ITA, you don't like the gift because you don't like her. It's incredibly rude to expect someone to buy a gift that you tell them to get. When people ask for ideas, they are asking for just that - ideas. Not a contract on what they have to get your child. usually people give general ideas, he likes trucks, tractors and dinosaurs and he's been asking for a light bright. They don't expect you to tell them "Buy him THIS build a bear outfit." It's just rude.

Besides, the gift doesn't suck too bad, your DS likes it, so get over your problem with her and stop expecting people to buy exactly what you tell them to.

The gift would be great, if I didn't already have 2 kids tents and 2 kids sleeping bags. I don't HATE the gift, I hate the fact that she asked what do I get the kids. I told her what to get the kids. I did give her 1 idea, not several, there wren't several, there is very little my kids need. My son doesn't need another truck, or dinosaur or book or whatever. Lots of things they want, that I won't let them have, but very little they need. Especially when she asked 2 weeks before the holidays and all the dvds were bought and the gameboy and leapster games were bought. You run out of things to ask for, so I told her he really wanted this outfit from build a bear. Why is it rude to say the kids wants this?? My best friends asks me every year waht to get my kids, I tell her what they want, and ya know what, she buys it for them. And if she doesn't want to get them that she asks me if she can get them "this" instead. Wow, isn't that nice, lets make sure the gift is wanted and not a duplicate and not something mom and dad would hate. And just in case mom and dad still don't want the item, lets give them the gift reciept with the gift. I would love if my bf was my sister. Isn't it great that we can pick our freinds?? That is why if anything happens to me or my dh, my bf gets my kids!!! She is a caring and loving and giving and all around wonderful person and I am so lucky to have her in my life and my kids lives.

Personally, I think buying people the gifts they want, as long as said gifts are in the budget is the nice thing to do. Why would you buy someone a blue sweater when they asked for pink pants? Why would you buy someone candy when they asked for anything but food? When you buy things for someone if they asked for someothing else, it is called hey, this is how much I care for you and your wants. What I want is more important then what you want. And if you don't know what the person wants or needs, then give a gift reciept, just in case.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I agree with the poster who said that this post has more to do with the relationship between the OP and her SIL than it does with being unappreciative of the gifts that were given. Unfortunately sometimes you're stuck some family members that are less than ideal, and no other time does this become more abundantly clear than during the holidays. Since my mom died when I was 14, my dad has been remarried twice (one ended in divorce, the other marriage continues). It's difficult to assimilate new people into a family, for both sides involved. We also have a family feud going on between my 2 aunts families because of something one of my cousins did. It's sad that one of the families will no longer participate in our Christmas Eve celebration because of this. I've learned after many years to let most of it go - for my own peace of mind, but that's not to say that my sister and I don't vent to one another (sort of our "therapy"), or that I don't vent to my husband. Maybe that's all the OP was trying to accomplish here.

Exactly, that is why the title has venting in it . At least a few of you understand what venting is. It is letting off steam, and since I can't vent much at home with all the little ears around, I thought I would do it online. Silly me.

 

[cdrn1]

My point of this thread was venting my frustration from a very selfish person that I have been dealing with for almost 30 years, when I was a kid. I am venting here, becuase I can't vent to her. I also vented here because I thought it was a place to vent. I did not ask for advice on what to do, even though some of it was thoughtful. I did not expect to get slammed for venting. I try to take the intelligent position, that there has to be some valid reason for a person to feel the way they do and would let them vent away.

Sorry that I misinterpreted. You are right, an online community should be a place that you are allowed to vent if needed. I still don't agree that it's okay to be mad that someone didn't give you the gift you asked for, but I see how frustrated you are with your nightmare SIL and I hadn't bothered to read all the posts to understand what your real issue was. Kudos to you for not wanting your kids to feel your pain.

 

[DMRick]

It's a budget board, so I think most of us read it thinking it had something to do with that. I thought you had ordered something at a discount and the gift was wrong. Anytime you post on a public board though, you have to know you will get opinions, and as I said earlier, I thought the whole thread was sad..and I still do.

As far as ordering from Burger King and and getting the worng item..getting a gift is way different from ordering what you want. A gift is..well, a gift. The gift giver gets to choose what to give.

As far as your kids not knowing how you feel about this..the hate is so obvious, I'm sure they know you can't stand her. I think you should really reconsider exchanging gifts..especially since she is just sending them over to you (did you go to her house to give her your gifts? If so, why didn't you exchange then?). Did your son pick up the gifts, or did your brother drop them off (sorry, I'm sort of confused)? You said about your brother "It was done to irritate me, my brother....her husband even mentioned it when he brought the gifts over to my house to drop them off." This sounds like a relationship that could give you ulcers...and if your brother told you that when he brought the gifts over..he seems to be a big part of it.

As far as exchanging it..I'm betting Walmart or Toys r Us will take it back and give you credit...if that's what your son wants to do.

I also vented here because I thought it was a place to vent. I did not ask for advice on what to do, even though some of it was thoughtful. I did not expect to get slammed for venting out of frustration. .

 

[Panthra529]

C.Ann, swilshire, sk!mom, DMRick-thank you for expressing what I thought when I first saw this thread.

I can't imagine being angry about a gift being given.

I so much agree with the above posters. When my ds was 8 and dd was 3, DS opened a Christmas gift from his great-grandmother (suffering from dimentia) that was totally embarrasing for him...but he held up the 'Strawberry Shortcake' sleeper and said 'Thank you so much Grandma". Needless to say, I couldn't have been prouder of him. Of course I talked to him in private afterwards,first to hug him and let him know he did the right thing, then to explain in 'child terms' how his Great Grandmother could have given him a 'girls' gift.

I think this is a totally different scenario. This can't be compared with what the OP is venting about. I would be very proud of your DS as well. This is being appreciative of a gift from a family member who doesn't know any better.

She is talking about a SIL who will do anything to aggrivate her. Unfortunatey she chose the last irritating thing that happened to her which happened to be the gift issue. I am sure there are many other examples of how irritating SIL can be.....I know because I have one exactly like her. The subject of gifts always leads to bickering about how people are ungrateful....just read through all the threads about gift giving. Again, this isn't about the gift, it is about the SIL doing what she can to aggrivate her.
For example, my SIL is still friends with my husbands exwife. DH had 2 children with her, and he and I have one child together. SIL chose to give our (common) daughter a gift at the family Christmas party, but has chosen to give DH's (her own brother ) other 2 children their gifts at their mother's house, thus leaving them singled out. My opinion is, if you can't treat my family equally at the same time, then don't bother! It is unfortunate there are those people out there who take joy in aggrivating others.....I think she sits there and plans out ways to tick DH and I off. And, no I am not being too sensitive. I have given her the benefit of the dobut several times to no avail. I am done. And sometimes that is just what you have to do, write it off...........When she chooses to play nice the door will be open, but I am not going to try to be the "nice guy" anymore.

 

[Debbie]

Don't ask what people want if you aren't even going to attempt to give them what they want.

Ah....now see, I always ask my kids what they want. Sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't because I-and Santa at our house-often think of something that they might like better!

I've found, through my own experiences, and those of my kidlets, that the "list of gifts" is forgotten with the excitement of a "just perfect" gift not on the list.

I remember the "just perfect" gift I got MY nephew a few years ago....walkie talkies....He looked at me, looked at his mom and said "Now I have two sets." He was instructed to thank us. He did so. I felt bad, but he has so MANY toys, it is almost impossible to give him something that he doesn't have. He could save the second set for when the first broke, he could regift, he could give it to the many charity auctions that his mom gives to. For me, it is the thought, not the gift. Would it help if his mom told me what to buy. I suppose so, but the thrill-for me- is in the hunt!

His reactions didn't deter me, though. This year (he's 10) I got smiles, hugs, and "Can I open it now?" I hit the nail on the head. Yippee! He did open it, charge the battery and played with my DS18. Next year, I buy for his mom and dad! Now there is a problem!

 

[Panthra529]

Sorry that I misinterpreted. You are right, an online community should be a place that you are allowed to vent if needed. I still don't agree that it's okay to be mad that someone didn't give you the gift you asked for, but I see how frustrated you are with your nightmare SIL and I hadn't bothered to read all the posts to understand what your real issue was. Kudos to you for not wanting your kids to feel your pain.

This was very nice of you to step up and reconsider what you have been reading! Way to go!

 

[Kimberlyfamilyfv]

Every year at my mil is always the same, I get what my sister in laws would like never what I would like. For instance for the last 2 years my mil has gotten me figurines that my sil collects( not me). If she can take the time to find the perfect gift for her why can't she take the time to pick a nice gift for me. I don't have the same tastes as my sil and I resent the fact that no matter how lovely the gift, it was not picked especially for me. Expense to me has never mattered, I don't care if it came from the dollar store as long as the gift was something that they thought I would like. But as I take the time to buy special gifts for each individual, I believe each gift should be a reflection of that individual to which the present is given.


Just an opinion> it is awfully easy for some of you to speak from your high horse so try being under the hoof sometime because the view is completely different.

 

[JoiseyMom]

It's a budget board, so I think most of us read it thinking it had something to do with that. I thought you had ordered something at a discount and the gift was wrong. Anytime you post on a public board though, you have to know you will get opinions, and as I said earlier, I thought the whole thread was sad..and I still do.

As far as ordering from Burger King and and getting the worng item..getting a gift is way different from ordering what you want. A gift is..well, a gift. The gift giver gets to choose what to give.

As far as your kids not knowing how you feel about this..the hate is so obvious, I'm sure they know you can't stand her. I think you should really reconsider exchanging gifts..especially since she is just sending them over to you (did you go to her house to give her your gifts? If so, why didn't you exchange then?). Did your son pick up the gifts, or did your brother drop them off (sorry, I'm sort of confused)? You said about your brother "It was done to irritate me, my brother....her husband even mentioned it when he brought the gifts over to my house to drop them off." This sounds like a relationship that could give you ulcers...and if your brother told you that when he brought the gifts over..he seems to be a big part of it.

As far as exchanging it..I'm betting Walmart or Toys r Us will take it back and give you credit...if that's what your son wants to do.

Well I did put OT, for off topic. And no, my kids do not know I can't stand her. Ok, my 21 & 22 year old know I don't like her, and well they don't like her either. But it has nothing to do with gifts, it has to do with lots more, but that is besides the point. My 21 year old is working for my brother during his holiday break. My son was given the gifts for the younger 2 kids, my older 2 kids haven't gotten any kind of gifts from them in a long time. I haven't given my neices their gifts yet. I haven't been out of my house for a week since I have had a really nasty cold. The time my brother dropped of the gifts was 2 years ago with regards to the blocks. I think my son brought home the gifts they got last year also, I honestly don't remember. I gave my nieces their gifts last year at the temple Chanukah party, since I knew they would be there.

As much as I would love to say no more gifts, it would cause a bigger rift into the relationship then is already there, and I won't do that. My dd and my youngest neice are 2 months apart in age and in the same school, and share similar friends, since my brother moved to my town 4 years ago. So I will vent and deal with the stuff I have to deal with.

The issues I have with my sil and my brother are hugh. My brother and I have mended fences to a certain extent. If I thought she got it from TRU, I would bring it back, but I honestly don't know where she got it from. My dh was thinking Target. I haven't decided what to do with it yet. My son of course wants to open it, but I have put him off. I am actually getting ready to go to TRU now, so I will see if they carry it.

 

[DMRick]

Just an opinion> it is awfully easy for some of you to speak from your high horse so try being under the hoof sometime because the view is completely different.

Under the hoof.. I've never seen that before..I think most of us have been there at some time in our lives. Do you think I have never gotten a gift I haven't liked? Or that made me think..what were they thinking..do they know me at all (the twin sheets from my own mil were pretty funny..guess she thought her son and I had separate beds) LOL? I just donate it or toss it..end of problem. Why let it eat me up? If my kids got a gift they liked, and it was appropriate, but I didn't..well, it's their gift.
According the OP, this has been going on for years..so why bother to exchange gifts? Her sons haven't liked the gifts (shirts) for years. She just recently came across some old gifts her kids didn't like. Why would anyone (who for a long time didn't even speak to this person, there is no secret they don't like each other) continue to let themselves get so upset?
I dunno, this sounds more like a community board post (let me vent about my sil)..not what I thought I was going to see when I opened it.

 

[DMRick]

Well I did put OT, for off topic. And no, my kids do not know I can't stand her. Ok, my 21 & 22 year old know I don't like her, and well they don't like her either. .

Your family has to know you can't stand her. Maybe you guys can get together with your Rabbi or someone, and see if you can't work this out. If not, you really, for your own health, ought to just drop the gift exchange, and the pretending to be friends.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Just an opinion> it is awfully easy for some of you to speak from your high horse so try being under the hoof sometime because the view is completely different.

Actually no. I think many people get totally bogus and inappropriate gifts from various family members. I know about 5 years ago one of my sons (who was about 7 at the time) asked me why Grandma always gave him "icky" stuff. I told him at the time, it doesn't matter. I don't care if Grandma did give him a Dollar Store toy that is meant for a toddler or if she just wrapped some knick knack from her house up and handed it to him -- If she takes the time and effort to give him a gift, the only appropriate response is "Thank You for the gift Grandma."

I honestly don't get along wonderfully with my inlaws. However, I think overly critiquing the presents they give the kids is just looking for reasons to fight and I learned years ago that fighting with them is just wallowing in the bad stuff.

 

[welovedis]

I'm with you on this one. I'm glad some of the posters have terrific relatives and love them all but some of us don't. Next year when she asks you want your ds wants tell her not to worry about it. A thoughtful card or phone call would be appreciated.

I do have some terrific relatives and others that I guess so of you would call selfish or spoiled, based on the other posts.

My mom did something similar every year, asked what DS wanted or liked, then got something very different. He's been brought us to appreciate any gift he receives, no matter what it is, because the giver thought enough of him to give the gift-period.

My mom died on December 1st, & I'd give anything to have her back, giving us gifts (or not) this Christmas.

Obviously,OP, by reading your posts and the names you use to describe your relative, the slurs, it is so clear that you have some rather big issues in your relationship--which you have alluded to. Perhaps instead of or in addition to venting here you may want to seek some counseling to help you get thru that anger and resentment.

I do agree that some come here to vent, I did recently because I feel more "at home" here than on other boards. But as others have mentioned you post on a public forum, you're inviting the public in to comment on your post.

I truly pray you'll have a peaceful and appreciative holiday season next year.

 

[C.Ann]

Just an opinion> it is awfully easy for some of you to speak from your high horse so try being under the hoof sometime because the view is completely different.

-----------------------------------

I can say I have "been under the hoof" with a horrible, nasty, mean-spirited, downright cruel sister-in-law for more years than I care to remember.. And you know what? There's another saying that is applicable here:

"If you don't want to get walked on, don't lay on the floor.."

I should think that if the OP truly wanted to put this issue to rest (and not develop ulcers, high blood pressure and a host of other ills) she would simply stop the gift exchange and have as little to do with this SIL as possible.. Instead she chooses to hang on to a "burning ember" - that is burning only herself - and providing her SIL with a great deal of enjoyment in watching her get so upset..

We all have choices.. Once we've made the choice, then we have to live with the consequences of that choice.. I simply have nothing to do with my sister-in-law - and never will.. My own health is much more important to me than her sick twisted games..

 

[pearlieq]

Having been accused of being on a "high horse" by the OP, I still fail to see how she is "under the hoof". She has not been harmed in any way by this gift. Her SIL got a duplicate gift for their son. Big deal. Gifts are voluntarily given, so it's not like she was denied something that was "owed" to her. Yes, her SIL sounds irritating, but that's a completely different issue. If she doesn't like the gift, get rid of it. If she doesn't like SIL, stop interacting with her.

With that being said, I will concede the point to the OP that sometimes you just need to get something off your chest, regardless of what is "right" or "wrong". However, I don't think anyone here is naive enough to think that posting something on a public message isn't a way of seeking attention and feedback. If the OP just needed to "vent", that's what a journal is for. If you're going to post something in a public forum, you should be prepared to get opinions on what you posted, even ones you don't like.

Regarding my "spirit of Christmas" comment: you're right. I looked at the situation from my own frame of reference and made an assumption about the gift-giving situation that I shouldn't have. I will remove the comment.

 

[Jen D]

It's nice when people ask for ideas and so forth, and some people are better at gift buying than others. However, I have learned that if there is something you particularly want your child to get, like you feel it wouldn't be a Merry Christmas without it, get it yourself. Ideas and suggestions you give to other people are just that. They're going to do what they are going to do.

Although I know this I made the mistake again this year... my MIL announced that she wanted to give DD something that would really "knock her socks off." DD told her she was hoping for Kit, the American Girl. In late November. MIL indicated she might do that. Meanwhile my mother says, does your dd want another AG? No, I said, MIL is getting it for her. So Mom doesn't get it. Meanwhile I do my (and Santa's) shopping for DD and max out my budget. Mid-December MIL e-mails me her list of what she got for DD... she picked out some clothes and books from the American Girl shop (totaling more than the Kit doll) and said she felt Kit was just too expensive. And Kit is expensive! I can sympathize. Although as I said, she ended up spending more. So, with everyone's gift budgets maxed out, DD did not get her #1 Christmas wish. It was more mixed signals than anything and my own stupid mistake. But part of me was glad.. she has three of these dolls already and I was wondering if getting them was becoming more about the obsession with acqusitition rather than enjoying the dolls. She was a little disappointed Christmas morning (I has warned her she was NOT getting a doll but she mailed a last minute plea to Santa; thought the man would come through were her family wouldn't) but it was no biggie. I certainly am not going to blame MIL, she sent some lovely gifts.

If your SIL has a history of not getting the things you suggest, you probably shouldn't have depended on getting this one gift from them. Don't waste your energy and emotions getting worked up over what she did send. Thank them graciously, attempt to return or donate to charity. Let it go, and move on. Getting bitter over being given something is never going to put you on the high road no matter what the history between you and SIL.

 

[Lewisc]

You're entitled to vent, your SIL may be selfish, there may be a lot of history but that doesn't change the fact that most of us think you're wrong. I think in addition to venting you should take a deep breath, step back and realize that there may be legitimate differences on how people act on gift suggestions.

When I go to Burger King I am placing an order and expect to get what I'm paying for. When someone asks what I want for a gift they are asking for suggestions. They are free to purchase what I suggested or something else. The price for what is requested might be more or less than the gift giver wanted to spend. Parents may ask for clothing and an uncle might prefer to buy a toy for a child. Sometimes I ask for suggestions in case I can't come up with an original idea. Some people just give a gift card to your favorite store and other people prefer to pick out a gift. Just because a bride is registered doesn't mean guests have to purchase gifts off the registry.

I certainly agree the gift giver could make it easier for you to exchange the gift. A gift receipt would have been nice but most stores will give you store credit without a receipt this time of year. I agree you don't need 3 sleeping bags. Thank them for the gift, explain you don't need it and see if you can get a receipt or at least the name of the store so you can exchange it. Now if the gift was purchased by a Grandparent I'd wonder if they even remembered giving the same gift last year.

Most of us wind up exchanging gifts or we wind up with a pile of items to re-gift.

Sounds like you'd be better off just not exchanging gifts or at least don't bother giving any suggestions and take what you get.

She asked what the kids wanted or needed I told her. So if someone asks what I want from Buger King, and I say a chicken sandwich, then it is ok for them to bring me a whopper instead?? My point of this thread was venting my frustration from a very selfish person that I have been dealing with for almost 30 years, when I was a kid. I have not said to my sil that the gift is bad. My problem with the gift, is that it contains items that my son already has. It is a duplicate, if she gave me a gift receipt, or I had an idea where it came from I could return it on my own. I don't need 3 children's tents in my home. I don't need 3 sleeping bags for a 4 year old. I don't know how big your house is, but mine just had enough stuff. The suggestion I gave was for a small item to accompany a toy he had and would enjoy. I will not say anything to her, if I do decide to try to return it I will ask my brother. As I have said in previous posts, I am not the rude one, look at what my sil has done to me in the past. She defines rude. I am venting here, becuase I can't vent to her. I also vented here because I thought it was a place to vent. I did not ask for advice on what to do, even though some of it was thoughtful. I did not expect to get slammed for venting out of frustration. I was also venting her, becuase I don't need my kids seeing that I can't stand my sil. They don't need to be a part of the family garbage. Venting is just that, venting, letting off steam. I thought doing it here would be fine. But some of you guys are just like...geez... what about this and what about that...and maybe she meant this. But you guys don't know her. The reponses I have gotten about it being about our relationship and letting it slide are head on. I am here to let it slide. To get the anger out, and yes I have anger towards her. And you guys telling me I am wrong to have anger?? No feelings are wrong, and I am entitled to them. Why must some of you be so judgemental??? Also read all the posts before you judge or condem, which alot of you do. If you want to view me as being selfish or rude, becuase I am frustrated by someone elese behavior...feel free, you are more than entitled to. I am not in the business of telling people they are rude or selfish, or wrong where feelings are concerned. I try to take the intelligent position, that there has to be some valid reason for a person to feel the way they do and would let them vent away.

 

[Lewisc]

Sounds like MIL wanted more boxes and items for the $$$ she was spending. Can't you just exchange the AG stuff for the AG Kit she wants? Aren't they both sold in the same store?

that she wanted to give DD something that would really "knock her socks off." DD told her she was hoping for Kit, the American Girl. In late November. MIL indicated she might do that. Meanwhile my mother says, does your dd want another AG? No, I said, MIL is getting it for her. So Mom doesn't get it. Meanwhile I do my (and Santa's) shopping for DD and max out my budget. Mid-December MIL e-mails me her list of what she got for DD... she picked out some clothes and books from the American Girl shop (totaling more than the Kit doll) and said she felt Kit was just too expensive. And Kit is expensive! I can sympathize. Although as I said, she ended up spending more.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

I think that the OP's vent is less about the gift and more about the relationship between her SIL and herself. Obviously, the two women do not like each other. The OP is, by her own admission, not above giving "spite gifts".

LOL, we have done the irritating gifts, ya know the ones that are messy with lots of pieces and paint!! She is a super neat freak, I had fun buying those for my nieces.

Her SIL was not the only one to purchase a tent for the child this year. But she's not angry with her DS's gf?:

But he got the buzz rocket tent last nite from my 22 year olds gf (who was worried caused she forgot he already had a Buzz tent from last year, but it was a different buzz tent, and ds4 was eyeing that new one in the store this year).

And apparently, the child likes the gift, which should be the whole point of choosing a gift for someone, right?

...and ya know, my 4 year old wants to open the box with the tent.

OP, at some point in your life, you've got to let go of the bitterness and anger. It will eat you up inside. I'm not saying that your SIL is a saint or that her choice in gifts did not have ulterior motives. I'm just saying, "Let it go." From someone who has been there and allowed those kinds of feelings to ruin her holidays many times, "Let it go."

 

[christinadei]

OP, at some point in your life, you've got to let go of the bitterness and anger. It will eat you up inside. I'm not saying that your SIL is a saint or that her choice in gifts did not have ulterior motives. I'm just saying, "Let it go." From someone who has been there and allowed those kinds of feelings to ruin her holidays many times, "Let it go."

Very well said!