OT: Gift Venting

[Cindy B]

I make it easier for my shopping challenged FIL.

I buy the kids stuff and ask him for a check! I give him a copy of the receipt and everyone is happy. Yes, its extra shopping for me but it sure eliminates the the unwanted gift syndrome.

 

[lts862]

C.Ann, swilshire, sk!mom, DMRick-thank you for expressing what I thought when I first saw this thread.

I can't imagine being angry about a gift being given.

I, too, agree with the above posters' comments!!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

My dd, 13, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer earlier this year and that puts life into perspective real quick. Gifts, bickering, extended family problems............none of them really matter. We take life for granted, when we should just be thankful for what we have.

I'm sitting here shaking my head, knowing that this is probably the last Christmas that I spend with my father - then I read your post.

First off, you posted what I was going to post, but you have experience behind your feelings that I can only imagine having. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. She'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully her age is a buffer and is helping her, and your family, deal with this.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I really don't know what to say to these threads other than I'm sorry that your family relations are so strained that you can feel so much negative emotion as a result of your child's aunt taking the time AND money to buy your child a Christmas present.

Honestly, so she didn't buy what you told her to? That doesn't seem like an incredibly "hateful" and "spoiled" act to me, but I guess there is probably years of backstory that we just aren't privy to.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I really don't know what to say to these threads other than I'm sorry that your family relations are so strained that you can feel so much negative emotion as a result of your child's aunt taking the time AND money to buy your child a Christmas present.

Honestly, so she didn't buy what you told her to? That doesn't seem like an incredibly "hateful" and "spoiled" act to me, but I guess there is probably years of backstory that we just aren't privy to.

Yes, there are over 20 years of backstory...some of which I have given. Also, it wasn't a Christmas present.

My vent was, if you ask what they want, and I tell you what they want, why is it so difficult to get them what they want??? Especially if the want is cheaper then what you did get them. The gift she got the kids were nice, but not what I told her when she asked. And this is a theme, one of many. So I am frustrated with that. And I never said my sil was hateful. I did say spoiled, and man is she. She is a typical "JAP", her picture is next to it in the dictionary.

Don't ask what people want if you aren't even going to attempt to give them what they want. WHen a person makes a gift request to me, I do my best to make it happen. WHy, becuase that is what should be done. And I am frustrated, and I shouldn't be because I should just expect her to do it again next year. But ya see, I am an optimist, and I keep hoping beyond hope that my sil is going to change and be a nicer person to me. Silly me.

 

[SamSam]

C.Ann, swilshire, sk!mom, DMRick-thank you for expressing what I thought when I first saw this thread.

I can't imagine being angry about a gift being given.

I so much agree with the above posters. When my ds was 8 and dd was 3, DS opened a Christmas gift from his great-grandmother (suffering from dimentia) that was totally embarrasing for him...but he held up the 'Strawberry Shortcake' sleeper and said 'Thank you so much Grandma". Needless to say, I couldn't have been prouder of him. Of course I talked to him in private afterwards,first to hug him and let him know he did the right thing, then to explain in 'child terms' how his Great Grandmother could have given him a 'girls' gift.

 

[TEK224]

Between my two sisters, they have 15 kids and 5 grandkids. I still buy for each of them at Christmas because I like to. I like seeing the expression on their faces when they get something they totally weren't expecting.
I do ask what they might like and try to get it for them if I can. Sometimes, I get ideas from just talking talking to them and listening to their conversation.

I don't always "hit it on the nose" which is why I enclose the gift receipt with the item. I let them know if it's not what they wanted or what they like, feel free to return it. We don't all have the same tastes or likes. I'd rather they return it and get something they can use so it's not a waste of money.

Terri

 

[DMRick]

Don't ask what people want if you aren't even going to attempt to give them what they want. WHen a person makes a gift request to me, I do my best to make it happen. WHy, becuase that is what should be done. And I am frustrated, and I shouldn't be because I should just expect her to do it again next year. But ya see, I am an optimist, and I keep hoping beyond hope that my sil is going to change and be a nicer person to me. Silly me.

When I ask what people want, it doesn't mean that is what I'm going to get. I don't consider their list a gift request, but their wants and needs. Sometimes I get something from the list... often I don't. I like to see if they are asking for something close to what I was thinking of. I'm going to get what I want to get, and if it happens to be in the same ball park as the list item, then good. If not..well, gee, I'm the gift giver, I get to decide. Just because she got your child a gift you don't care for, doesn't mean your child won't like it (although if your child heard you complain about their gift, obviously, they will think something is wrong with it). And if your child doesn't, then just donate it. I'm really having a hard time understanding the hate that is coming through. I think you ought to just tell her next year, that the gift of their company is enough..no more gifts exchanges. Tell her you decided to give to your favorite charity instead, and suggest she do the same.

 

[Mariposa]

Unfortunately, (and this is just MHO) I think this situation has considerably more to do with the relationship between the two women than any gift given. Honestly, I'd just try to find a sense of peace with the fact that her gifts are just going to be things you're going to dislike (because she's clearly not trying to please you and you're not in a position relationship-wise where it'd be terrible easy for her to do so) and do my absolute best to laugh it off.

I've got a someday-to-be MIL (my dad has commitment issues) that despises my DSis and I. I, personally, believe that it has nothing to do with us; but is completely based on the fact that we come from the woman he was married to before he met her and the fact that her previous husband had some unpleasant teenage daughters (so she says) that put her permanently off the idea of children. Oh well... I don't like her a whole lot, but I know that my dad loves her and she loves him, so I'm okie-dokie with the whole thing. Anyway, the gifts we receive from her (if we receive gifts) are always impersonal and vaguely insulting. I just laugh, roll my eyes and try to be glad I only have to deal with her personally a couple times a year. Being angry about it would only do me harm.

I guess my point is that I'm not with everyone that takes the completely saintly approach of never being p*ssed off that someone's a jerk to you, but that letting her get your goat will only mess you up.

 

[Lewisc]

The person is asking for suggestions. They are not taking orders.

You said it's a nice gift, more expensive than what you asked for. Sorry but you sound like the rude person.

Yes, there are over 20 years of backstory...some of which I have given. Also, it wasn't a Christmas present.

My vent was, if you ask what they want, and I tell you what they want, why is it so difficult to get them what they want??? Especially if the want is cheaper then what you did get them. The gift she got the kids were nice, but not what I told her when she asked. And this is a theme, one of many. So I am frustrated with that. And I never said my sil was hateful. I did say spoiled, and man is she. She is a typical "JAP", her picture is next to it in the dictionary.

Don't ask what people want if you aren't even going to attempt to give them what they want. WHen a person makes a gift request to me, I do my best to make it happen. WHy, becuase that is what should be done. And I am frustrated, and I shouldn't be because I should just expect her to do it again next year. But ya see, I am an optimist, and I keep hoping beyond hope that my sil is going to change and be a nicer person to me. Silly me.

 

[cdrn1]

This is such a sad thread. I'm so sorry so many of you were so disappointed in the gift choices

Totally agree. A gift is a gift. You give what you want, from the heart. I think it is so wrong when people have these huge expectations of what a gift should be. It should be what the giver wants it to be. I can't believe that when the SIL gave the OP's kid a gift he LIKED (the set of blocks), she decided the ulterior motive was to irritate her. MAYBE SHE JUST THOUGHT THE KID WOULD LIKE THE BLOCKS. Geez. Nobody has to give your kid a gift. Say thanks and accept it graciously.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

I guess everyone has family issues. The first few years my husband and I were married, I was told the rule of gift giving was $25 per child. We did not have any kids then and bought for about 8 nieces and nephews using the $25 rule. After 5 years of this our son was born. I went back to work and money was tight at that time. I still 'obeyed' the $25 rule and was so hurt at the gifts my son was given. One sister regifted a baby outfit from her son, summer and completely the wrong size (I gave each of her children a $25 gift card). Another sister gave my son a $7.99 little sweat outfit and I had to buy for her 3 children. It was extremely hurtful, especially since we had bought for their children for years, we were very tight on money at that time and always still gave.

I do not let these things bother me anymore, although this thread has brought up some old feelings again.

If people ask what to get my 4 children, I tell them just to give them $10 in Disney Dollars.

 

[christinadei]

Unfortunately, (and this is just MHO) I think this situation has considerably more to do with the relationship between the two women than any gift given. Honestly, I'd just try to find a sense of peace with the fact that her gifts are just going to be things you're going to dislike (because she's clearly not trying to please you and you're not in a position relationship-wise where it'd be terrible easy for her to do so) and do my absolute best to laugh it off.

ITA, you don't like the gift because you don't like her. It's incredibly rude to expect someone to buy a gift that you tell them to get. When people ask for ideas, they are asking for just that - ideas. Not a contract on what they have to get your child. usually people give general ideas, he likes trucks, tractors and dinosaurs and he's been asking for a light bright. They don't expect you to tell them "Buy him THIS build a bear outfit." It's just rude.

Besides, the gift doesn't suck too bad, your DS likes it, so get over your problem with her and stop expecting people to buy exactly what you tell them to.

 

[Buzz2001]

What will it take for my spoiled sister in law to ever listen to me?? I have kids ranging in ages from 4 - 22, and even though she asks what they want, and I tell her, she NEVER EVER EVER FREAKING LISTENS!!

She asked me what my four year old wanted this year. I told her, he just got a bear from build a bear, and really wanted the Woody Outfit. Easy right?? WRONG!!!!!!!!! My 21 year old just brought over the kids presents, and my 4 year old got this kids coleman box with a tent (he already has 2), a sleeping bag (he already has 2), and some other stuff he has no use for. Now I have to find out from my brother, where they got it so I can try to return it. I think over the past 22 years she has gotten them 2 gifts they have liked. For years I asked her not to by the older 2 boys clothing, that they would want cd's or gift cards for cd's. What does she do, buy them shirts that they never took out of the box. We were cleaning out my son's room over the summer, and there were 4 boxes with brand new shirts in them. When my brother bought the kids gifts they were great, not when she does. I am getting my neices this year gift cards, this way they can get what they want instead of me getting them something they don't want or will use.

I know that it is the thought that counts, but why ask what they want if you aren't going to get it or take the advice????

I feel your pain. I go through the same thing with my SIL and FIL (or his new wife). It truely is amazing how people can screw up a holiday. Too long to get into but I know exactly what you are talking about.

 

[pearlieq]

I so much agree with the above posters. When my ds was 8 and dd was 3, DS opened a Christmas gift from his great-grandmother (suffering from dimentia) that was totally embarrasing for him...but he held up the 'Strawberry Shortcake' sleeper and said 'Thank you so much Grandma". Needless to say, I couldn't have been prouder of him. Of course I talked to him in private afterwards,first to hug him and let him know he did the right thing, then to explain in 'child terms' how his Great Grandmother could have given him a 'girls' gift.

This story kind of choked me up. What a fine son you have! He was obviously raised well.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Totally agree. A gift is a gift. You give what you want, from the heart. I think it is so wrong when people have these huge expectations of what a gift should be. It should be what the giver wants it to be. I can't believe that when the SIL gave the OP's kid a gift he LIKED (the set of blocks), she decided the ulterior motive was to irritate her. MAYBE SHE JUST THOUGHT THE KID WOULD LIKE THE BLOCKS. Geez. Nobody has to give your kid a gift. Say thanks and accept it graciously.

It was done to irritate me, my brother....her husband even mentioned it when he brought the gifts over to my house to drop them off. She bought it becuase of all the pieces. My sil doesn't give from the heart. Just because the majority of you guys think that way, doesn't make it so. My sil and I have never gotten along to the point where we didn't talk for a few years because of the most of something she did, and I just couldn't forgive. Let's say it was the straw that broke the camels back. Yes, I speak to her and my brother today for one reason only, and believe me, what she did to me and to my family is still there in back of my mind and cannot be forgotten. And, there are no hugh expectations, the requested gift cost 15.00, is that a hugh expectation???? And how can I gracioulsy thank someone for giving my kids a gift when she didn't even deliver them herself. She gave them to my 21 year old, who is working for my brother while he is home from school. And btw..before someone says, well it is probably a long drive. She lives 2 miles from my house.

 

[Tissa]

Yes, there are over 20 years of backstory...some of which I have given. Also, it wasn't a Christmas present.

My vent was, if you ask what they want, and I tell you what they want, why is it so difficult to get them what they want??? Especially if the want is cheaper then what you did get them. The gift she got the kids were nice, but not what I told her when she asked. And this is a theme, one of many. So I am frustrated with that. And I never said my sil was hateful. I did say spoiled, and man is she. She is a typical "JAP", her picture is next to it in the dictionary.

Don't ask what people want if you aren't even going to attempt to give them what they want. WHen a person makes a gift request to me, I do my best to make it happen. WHy, becuase that is what should be done. And I am frustrated, and I shouldn't be because I should just expect her to do it again next year. But ya see, I am an optimist, and I keep hoping beyond hope that my sil is going to change and be a nicer person to me. Silly me.

I'm with you on this one. I'm glad some of the posters have terrific relatives and love them all but some of us don't. Next year when she asks you want your ds wants tell her not to worry about it. A thoughtful card or phone call would be appreciated.

 

[C.Ann]

It was done to irritate me, my brother....her husband even mentioned it when he brought the gifts over to my house to drop them off. She bought it becuase of all the pieces. My sil doesn't give from the heart..

---------------------------

Well if that is truly the case, then I hate to say it, but the joke is on you - because you are allowing her to push your buttons and upset you to an amazing degree..

If you aren't able to control your emotions and not let her get to you this way, then your best bet is to put an end to the gift exchange and be done with it..

 

[JoiseyMom]

The person is asking for suggestions. They are not taking orders.

You said it's a nice gift, more expensive than what you asked for. Sorry but you sound like the rude person.

She asked what the kids wanted or needed I told her. So if someone asks what I want from Buger King, and I say a chicken sandwich, then it is ok for them to bring me a whopper instead?? My point of this thread was venting my frustration from a very selfish person that I have been dealing with for almost 30 years, when I was a kid. I have not said to my sil that the gift is bad. My problem with the gift, is that it contains items that my son already has. It is a duplicate, if she gave me a gift receipt, or I had an idea where it came from I could return it on my own. I don't need 3 children's tents in my home. I don't need 3 sleeping bags for a 4 year old. I don't know how big your house is, but mine just had enough stuff. The suggestion I gave was for a small item to accompany a toy he had and would enjoy. I will not say anything to her, if I do decide to try to return it I will ask my brother. As I have said in previous posts, I am not the rude one, look at what my sil has done to me in the past. She defines rude. I am venting here, becuase I can't vent to her. I also vented here because I thought it was a place to vent. I did not ask for advice on what to do, even though some of it was thoughtful. I did not expect to get slammed for venting out of frustration. I was also venting her, becuase I don't need my kids seeing that I can't stand my sil. They don't need to be a part of the family garbage. Venting is just that, venting, letting off steam. I thought doing it here would be fine. But some of you guys are just like...geez... what about this and what about that...and maybe she meant this. But you guys don't know her. The reponses I have gotten about it being about our relationship and letting it slide are head on. I am here to let it slide. To get the anger out, and yes I have anger towards her. And you guys telling me I am wrong to have anger?? No feelings are wrong, and I am entitled to them. Why must some of you be so judgemental??? Also read all the posts before you judge or condem, which alot of you do. If you want to view me as being selfish or rude, becuase I am frustrated by someone elese behavior...feel free, you are more than entitled to. I am not in the business of telling people they are rude or selfish, or wrong where feelings are concerned. I try to take the intelligent position, that there has to be some valid reason for a person to feel the way they do and would let them vent away.

 

[gottaluvdis]

I agree with the poster who said that this post has more to do with the relationship between the OP and her SIL than it does with being unappreciative of the gifts that were given. Unfortunately sometimes you're stuck some family members that are less than ideal, and no other time does this become more abundantly clear than during the holidays. Since my mom died when I was 14, my dad has been remarried twice (one ended in divorce, the other marriage continues). It's difficult to assimilate new people into a family, for both sides involved. We also have a family feud going on between my 2 aunts families because of something one of my cousins did. It's sad that one of the families will no longer participate in our Christmas Eve celebration because of this. I've learned after many years to let most of it go - for my own peace of mind, but that's not to say that my sister and I don't vent to one another (sort of our "therapy"), or that I don't vent to my husband. Maybe that's all the OP was trying to accomplish here.