Opinions on therapists' advice, please....

[CindysFriend]

I've been seeing a therapist whom I like very much, and who is also treating another member of my family for ongoing medical problems. I've been seeing this therapist for about 6 months now. He knows my entire background, and knows all about the continued stress and anxiety that I deal with daily. He's very compassionate and has been giving me what I consider to be very, very good advice, and very concrete ways to deal with the stress (mindful thinking, deep breathing, etc).

Everyone once in a while I get to a point where I feel like I can't deal with life anymore. I am not suicidal. But I feel that I need something, a diversion, to distract myself away from all of the problems that I HAVE to handle, yet are not under my control (the actions of others).

He knows that years ago, in a previous marriage, that I cheated when I felt the need for an escape. At the time, I didn't realize that that's what I was doing, but in retrospect, it's exactly what I was doing. I didn't turn to drugs, alcohol, etc, but I turned to someone else.

I've been remarried for many years now, no cheating, even with all of the various problems and issues we've endured together.

Last week at my therapy session I was extremely stressed, and at one point blurted out "Would it be a bad thing if I went out and had an affair?? I need a distraction, I feel like I'm going crazy...". His reply was "No". I was speechless for a moment! I even asked him to repeat what he said... and he said that sometimes an affair could be a good thing.... at that point I think I kind of lost the rest of what he was saying because I was shocked.

I did say to him "Wait a minute...you're supposed to tell me that having an affair would be a bad idea, that it would only add to my problems..." Again, I was in shock and only half-heard what he was saying, but I heard him say "...I understand. You want someone who would sit with you and listen to you and make you feel safe....". I said "Yes, exactly...".


Anyway, does this sound out of line to anyone??? I honestly never expected a therapist to agree that an affair might be a "good thing". Oh and by the way, I do not have any intentions of actually having an affair! It was just something I blurted out.

 

[Heidict]

Yeah, that just doesn't sound right to me. As a therapist he should know that having an affair is not going to help you with your issues. It is only going to compound them.

I really have no idea why he would tell you that it was okay to do that.

Glad to hear that you have no intentions of doing it though.

 

[es45]

It sounds out of line and a bit like an invitation.

 

[Heidict]

It sounds out of line and a bit like an invitation.

I never thought of it like that, but you very well may be right.


PS: I LOVE you signature.

 

[minniebeth]

It sounds out of line and a bit like an invitation.

At first, I was thinking maybe he was using reverse psychology, kind of him saying it will make you realize "no, this can't be right". But now that this was thrown out there, it makes me think maybe this might be what he was suggesting. I can't imagine a therapist suggesting infidelity would be a good thing, it's completely unethical.

 

[minkydog]

and he said that sometimes an affair could be a good thing.... at that point I think I kind of lost the rest of what he was saying because I was shocked.

A good thing?! For whom? Your husband? Your family? I don't think an affair is going to solve your problems. Do you want to completely wreck your life?? If you need distraction, find a hobby. Take a college class. Join a gym. Take a vacation. But bringing a 3rd party into your relationship is only going to complicate EVERYTHING. I can't believe a therapist would be so foolish! This would have me questioning everything about him. What an idiot! He gave you some bad baaaaaaadd advice.

One last thought. Have you ever been told you might have bipolar disorder? It is often associated with anxiety and chronic "stress." Many people with bipolar don't have what you'd think of as typical swinging-from-the-chandeliers illness. They take risks. They do things to "entertain" themselves that they would normally never do. As their mood gets more expansive they can even justify their actions because they're no longer thinking things through. Not diagnosing you or anything, but this is very very common among people with bipolar. Just some food for thought...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I heard him say "...I understand. You want someone who would sit with you and listen to you and make you feel safe....". I said "Yes, exactly...".

Wouldn't a distraction *take you away* from your problems, not sit and talk about them some more?

Please review what YOU said and then what HE said.

Everyone once in a while I get to a point where I feel like I can't deal with life anymore. I am not suicidal. But I feel that I need something, a diversion, to distract myself away from all of the problems that I HAVE to handle, yet are not under my control (the actions of others).

Interesting definition of distraction from Merriam-Webster.

Main Entry: dis·trac·tion
Pronunciation: \di-ˈstrak-shən\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
1 : the act of distracting or the state of being distracted; especially : mental confusion <driven to distraction>
2 : something that distracts; especially : amusement <a harmless distraction>

Proceed with caution.


I also don't understand your first sentence.

I've been seeing a therapist whom I like very much, and who is also treating another member of my family for ongoing medical problems.

 

[CindysFriend]

Thanks for all of the replies, I appreciate them. After last week's appointment, I really was thrown for a loop by the doctor's approval of having an affair. It was at the end of our session, and I was in shock, so I didn't get to ask him to clarify WHY he thinks it'd be OK. I think he might've been explaining it, but again, my head was swimming in confusion at that point, and not really hearing what he was saying.

My next appointment is tomorrow; I plan on asking him again, and this time I'll listen with a clear mind. It does bother me that he instantly said that an affair could be OK.


minkydog: I don't think that I have bipolar. The stress and anxiety that I have are a result of my DD's serious medical problems that started last year. There's a chance that they could kill her, in fact. Sometimes she feels like giving up, and that makes me extremely stressed, but I put on a brave face at home and I'm encouraging and as uplifting as I can be, for her sake. While my DH is very understanding, I definitely need(ed) an impartial person to help me through this rough time, thus why I see a psychologist.

pea: My problems can't be resolved by anything that *I* can do (see my reply to minky, above). Believe me, I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make DD all better. DD sees the therapist to help her deal with her own anxiety, fear, and stress.

Sometimes the enormity of the stress, pain, frustration, etc that I feel towards DD's illnesses, and her sometimes-lack of doing what's in her best interest, get to me. That's what I was talking about when I said that I could use an "escape".

I will not cheat on my husband, though! My original post wasn't to ask for comments on that, just the fact that the doctor pretty much "approved" an affair! That still blows my mind, and I'm looking forward to asking him to explain himself tomorrow.

Again, thanks for all of the comments, I do appreciate them.

 

[minkydog]

minkydog: I don't think that I have bipolar. The stress and anxiety that I have are a result of my DD's serious medical problems that started last year. There's a chance that they could kill her, in fact. Sometimes she feels like giving up, and that makes me extremely stressed, but I put on a brave face at home and I'm encouraging and as uplifting as I can be, for her sake. While my DH is very understanding, I definitely need(ed) an impartial person to help me through this rough time, thus why I see a psychologist.

pea: My problems can't be resolved by anything that *I* can do (see my reply to minky, above). Believe me, I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make DD all better. DD sees the therapist to help her deal with her own anxiety, fear, and stress.

Sometimes the enormity of the stress, pain, frustration, etc that I feel towards DD's illnesses, and her sometimes-lack of doing what's in her best interest, get to me. That's what I was talking about when I said that I could use an "escape".

I'm so sorry. I know what it is to live with people who have serious chronic conditions. Who wouldn't be stressed?
I hope you can resolve this issue with your therapist. I am just shocked at what he suggested and I would like to hear the explanation. He had to have violated some code of ethics.

I hope you can find some healthy outlets for your stress, frustration and fear. I know you've heard it before, but it bears repeating: we have to take care of ourselves FIRST. Just like when we fly: put on your own oxygen mask first, so that you will be capable of helping your family. I wish you all the best.