opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[LovableGluttons]

During an occasion when it is supposed to be the thought of giving that is important, why do people give money?

How much effort is it to shove cash in an envelope?

What would Christmas morning be like if there were just envelopes under the tree?

Financial rewards for choosing to exercise your uterus too much just doesn't seem smart.

My in laws send checks because shopping for gifts is too much work for them.

We just tear the check up.

 

[klacey1]

The problem here is the DIS is abnormally skewed towards married with kids, no wonder you all agree with the married with kids sister. Perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot you would feel differently.

I'm not married yet, or have children, and I 100% agree with LisaR and The Mystery Machine.

 

[prncess674]

I'm not married yet, or have children, and I 100% agree with LisaR and The Mystery Machine.

Yes but do you have a sister who has six kids and you are now getting nothing because of it?

 

[ReneeA]

The problem here is the DIS is abnormally skewed towards married with kids, no wonder you all agree with the married with kids sister. Perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot you would feel differently.

You do realize that we haven't been married with kids forever, right? At one point, many of us were single with siblings and their families.

 

[dismom2]

Just replying to the original post.

My parents always split things equally--it's just the way they are. It used to be gifts, but now that they are getting up there in age, have so many grandchildren spread out, they send checks to families. I believe it's a set amount per family member.

My MIL either does nothing, or sends something to only some (or just one) member(s) of the family. For a while, only her favorite grandchild would get anything, leaving the other kids to feel hurt. She also leaves out non-blood relatives (adopted children, foster children). That is the only thing that bothers me. We'd rather nobody get anything than attempt to explain why she does these things and deal with hurt feelings.

 

[Scurvy]

The unmarried daughter should be treated the same as the married daughter. Married daughter decided to have SIX kids! Why should married daughter's family get 8/9 of the Christmas budget???

Because they make up 8/9 of the people being shopped for. Of course it would be nice if the parents treated their two daughters the same, married or not. But the fact is that the husband and children of one of the daughters are now part of the parents' family as well. Why shouldn't 8/9 of the budget be spent on them? I think it's really strange that you don't seem to be able to see those people as individuals, but instead you just see them as extensions of the sister. A son-in-law and grandchildren are family members, just like the daughter who was originally part of the family. Why wouldn't the parents-in-law/grandparents want to shop for them as well as for their daughters at Christmas?

ETA - The more I think about it, the more I think you don't understand that many parents don't view their daughter's spouse and children the way you apparently do. They see them as "my Son-in-law" or "My grandchildren", not as "My Daughter's Husband" or "My Daughter's Child". They see them as individuals, not as something that belongs to their daughter. Maybe the fact that you don't see them that way is coloring your view of what's "fair".

Oh, please. No one is punishing you. Your parents are doing what they choose with their money. You made your choices, are you happy with them? If so, why don't you stop trying to find something to be miserable about and enjoy your life. If you are not happy with your choices, make new ones.

As for the OP's situation, like someone said there are now NOT 2 members of this mom's family, there are 9 members of her family and gifts should be budgets for a certain $ on each one. $125 each, $50 each, $100 per adult and $50 per kid--whatever but not the way it is being done.

Exactly!

 

[punkin]

The problem here is the DIS is abnormally skewed towards married with kids, no wonder you all agree with the married with kids sister. Perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot you would feel differently.

Actually, I don't think you are being treated fairly either. There is a middle ground where not everything is necessarily equal, but it is fair. Neither yours nor the OP's situation sounds particularly "fair" to me.

There is no reason for OP's mother to give the kids super expensive presents, nor should she have to spend 8/9ths of her budget on OP's family, but the gifts should be somewhat more fairly apportioned (I think dollar for dollar is silly). There should be some acknowledgment of the new members of the family. I think the posters who said the mother is still giving gifts as if she only had two DDs are right. The DH and the children are completely excluded. That is painful to the wife and mother. Moreover it seems to be engendering feelings of envy towards the sister whom the OP actually loves very much and who she says is a wonderful Aunt.

There is also no reason for your parents to leave their estate to the grandchildren bypassing you altogether (unless they are doing it for estate purposes with a living trust). You should also get some heirlooms if you want them, but I have the feeling you haven't outright asked.

These things are not fair and the only way to right them is to talk to the mother/parents, discuss your issues, and if they won't change, then you have to change in the way you interact with them.

 

[klacey1]

Yes but do you have a sister who has six kids and you are now getting nothing because of it?

It's not the sister's fault. In this situation, the mother is making a weird gift-giving decision. But, like a PP said, the sister AND HER FAMILY should get 8/9 the budget because they are 8 people! It's not like the mom would be giving $100 to the single daughter and $800 just to the married one. The $800 would be for her family.

 

[crusoe2]

First off, to prncess674 - while I don't agree with everything you've posted, I do think you have gotten a raw deal from your parents and have a right to be angry - with them. If your parents have started dispersing family heirlooms, you shouldn't be left out just because you aren't married or don't have kids. And I really don't get why your parents ignored your purchase of a home after being so lavish with your sister. IMHO, it shouldn't matter what type of home you buy - whether it's a mansion, a townhouse, or whatever. If I made a gift-giving event out of one child's purchase of a home, I would do so for the other. Buying a home is a major milestone in your life regardless of what kind of home it is. All that said, I do think you're projecting your anger over your own situation onto the OP and they are very different situations.

I grew up the oldest of 4 kids and my youngest DSis did not get married until well after the rest of us. Since she was still single and usually wasn't getting any major Christmas gifts from anyone else, my parents spent more on her than they did the rest of us. They spent approx as much on her as they did on my DH and myself. Basically, when you got married, you had to start sharing your portion of the Christmas budget with your spouse. I never had a problem with that - my parent's bank account did not grow right along with the size of the family. When grandchildren came along, my parents adjusted how much they spent on all of their adult children in order to continue to be able to buy nice gifts for everybody. That applied to everybody - single DSis, married ones with no kids, and the parents of the grandkids. I never heard one complaint. As our family grew, my parents continued to adjust the way they did their Christmas shopping so that all adult children got a similar amount and the same for all grandkids. The first grandchildren came along before youngest DSis got married and she probably did get more money spent on her than the grandchildren did but it was not a huge - and very obvious - difference as seems to be the case with the OP. My parents always found ways to equal out what I call the "wow factor" of the gifts and no one ever felt slighted. They put a lot of thought and love into this and that is what seems to be missing in the OP's situation.

In the OP's case, apparently the grandmother sees nothing wrong with lavishing big-tickets gifts like televisions and iPods on one adult daughter and spending a fraction of that on her other daughter, son in law, and grandkids. When you divide $500 between 8 people (which is apparently what grandma expects) each person gets about $60 worth of gifts. And then they get to sit and watch while daughter 1 opens televisions and iPods and such. There is no way that kids aren't ever going to notice the difference. That puts daughter 2 in a terrible position. Does she continue to let things go as they are and try to find a way to explain it to her kids without making grandma look bad? Or does she stand up to grandma at the risk of grandma's anger and retribution? Tough call. OP, and good luck with your decision.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Princess,
I am not here to judge you.
In your case (but not necessarily every other case) it does sound like there is favoritism, bias, disrespect, etc.... If that is true, I can understand how you, personally, might feel.

That doesn't mean that parents who choose to love and give gifts to their grandchildren are wrong. (Just a note: I do feel that parents who would fail to acknowledge grandchildren are very wrong)

Princess, I fully believe that there are some deeper issues running in your situation than have been specifically discussed... I can see the pain, and the anger that comes from pain....

I can only wish you are able to come to terms and find peace.

Having said that...
People, I am thinking it's time to let this thread go.

 

[Pakey]

I don't get some of the animosity that children feel for their parents because they were treated differently, or because a sibling was the "favorite". I was one of 4 siblings. My parent's favorite growing up was my younger brother. He was a super jock - all state athlete in two sports, letterman in 4. His name was known throughout the state. He got all of the attention. But I loved him, so I never felt left out because he was the favorite. One of my sisters did, and she still complains about it, but I never cared. It had nothing to do with me.

Fast forward 20 years. I am still the only child of the 4 who can be "counted on" to help, but my brother is still the favorite, though he is an addict and hasn't been seen in years. It still doesn't bother me. I love him and hope he is safe, wherever he is.

My parents can show favoritism toward my siblings without dimnishing their love for me. They do love me, but I am a different sort of person. I am one of those boring, solid guys that can be counted on, but who never does anything "exciting". I am very happy with my place in the world. Perhaps that is why it doesn't effect me.

I agree with you. I'm in my mid-50's, both parents are still living. My entire life, my parents have been closer to my 2 brothers. They have so much in common; they are all very much into fishing, all sports, they love to play cards, they share the same political beliefs. They all own RVs and RV together, vacation together. They get together often and never think of including me because I'm not interested in any of these things. My parents do a lot more for them.

It's never bothered me. I love my parents; they love me. They do not understand me. As a woman, they never quite grasped how I could put my career before my family while allowing my husband to do the normal "mom" duties. However, they loved me in spite of not agreeing with my life choices.

Whatever they have accumulated in their lives is theirs to do with what they want. If they leave every dime to my brothers, I will still know that they loved me.

 

[Pakey]

During an occasion when it is supposed to be the thought of giving that is important, why do people give money?

How much effort is it to shove cash in an envelope?

What would Christmas morning be like if there were just envelopes under the tree?

Financial rewards for choosing to exercise your uterus too much just doesn't seem smart.

My in laws send checks because shopping for gifts is too much work for them.

We just tear the check up.

We give cash to our adult children instead of buying gifts. It has nothing to do with being too lazy to shop. Because their gift does not live up to your standards is no reason to reject it. I'm glad my daughters in law are more caring and compassionate.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Attitude???

Isn't it possible the attitude comes from being treated like second best your entire life?

And FWIW Prncss764, I do think your posts toward the OP have come across as rude and condescending, so while I do agree you have a right to the way your feel, she's not your sister, don't take out your feelings on her.

 

[Andtototoo]

Yet another reason I'm glad I have only one child!

ETA: I have seen the differential distribution in both my own family and my dh's family. In particular in my dh's family, they chose to give one sibling who chose to go no farther than high school and be a SAHM with enough money to lead a lifestyle that far exceeds those who went to college (on their own dime). A person would have to be a saint not to have at least occasional resentment watching their lazy sibling live better than s/he does through no effort of their own and hearing about all their fabulous experiences thanks to the parents. Yes, it's the parents' money and they can do as they wish, but it's bile-inducing to watch someone who literally sits home and watches tv all day get to take exotic vacations, wear diamonds, have multiple vehicles, and have extravagant parties all because someone else is writing a check.

 

[smb6]

I have not read through all the posts; but I think the general concept of spending $500 on each dd with the married dd's $500 being split between her and her family is fine.
All of my siblings except one have children; but I have the most-5. My parents are divorced- at my dad's for Christmas; all adult's draw names and buy one gift each and all the children draw names and buy/recieve one gift each. My dad purchase an additional gift or two for each grandchild; but not the adult children (other that whatever name he drew).
On my mom's side- we don't draw names. My mom gets my kids individual gifts. My sisters always get my kids a "together" gift- a gift shared by all 5 of my kids. I get that it is expensive to buy for 5 kids; but I do not like while their kids offer gift after gift each- my kids are sharing their's..... I'd honestly prefer to draw names like we do on my dad's side but when I suggest it no one likes the idea- but while I buy all their kids individual gifts; my kids are always getting a movie or board game to share....... Their gifts are appreciated; I just thing it would be better and we drew names so that everyone could spend an equal amount and most importantly (to me) the kids could recieve an equal amount....

 

[Mkaz]

I would not have an issue with it. A gift is a gift. It's not something that's owed to me. My mom gives us money every year. I honestly don't know how much she gives to my sisters or brothers. We don't discuss it.

I know plenty of people that would give up everything they own just to be able to spend one more day with their mom/dad/parents.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Umm HELLO your disboard handle is "seven dwarfs" how in the world is me calling you "seven dwarfs" an insult. If you don't like your own handle you shouldn't have given it to YOURSELF!

Did you ever stop to think that you are the selfish one. You believe that your family is deserving of 8/9 of your mother's gift giving budget.

I never said you insulted me because you didn't. I think you wanted too though. And even though you deny it, your post was a little harsh. I was actually expecting a lot more people to be harsh so one person isn't so bad. You have no clue who I am or how I am. I love snow white and the dwarfs, been a favorite since I was a child and that is why I picked that name. You certainly seem so quick to judge instead of asking questions. And some of the judgements you have made of me are wrong which has helped me see I am not a bad person. I could easily treat my parents bad since they have treated me bad but that never crossed my mind.

I am assuming that you are a princess. That is your handle after all. Since you are judging me by my name this gives us insight to you.

Yes, daughter 2 does feel selfish and that she should not be upset and be grateful for what she has. And at the same time during opening present time, these other feelings emerge. That is why I posted the question. To see others view points. I think anyone in my situation who has been treated as I have would also struggle with this.

It seems as if you and I both have some of the same feelings of rejection and pain. Although the difference I see is it has made me try to be a better person. For some reason it is making you so bitter.

I really feel sad for you and am so glad you have posted on my thread. It actually makes me feel less selfish because my heart isn't hard like yours. I am so sorry that your parents have treated you unfairly and I hope one day you can soften your heart so your life isn't effected the way it is.


I also wonder with you if it isn't even about the value difference given between you and your sister. Maybe your parents have treated you with less love then her too. The presents and other issues are just a casualty of the real problem.

 

[wvdisluv2]

Ahhhhh Christmas.....

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I was daughter # 2 for awhile. I go without all the time so that my children can have more. I don't think twice about it. It was my choice to have children.
I never have even thought about what my parents gave to my sister in comparison to what I got. Whatever they give is out of love and I am just blessed to have what I have.
In our family we don't count material things, we count our blessings.

 

[disykat]

Am I the only one chuckling at all the people who say they wouldn't notice if one sibling got a big screen tv and the rest of the family got pajamas? Seriously?

A check in an envelope is one thing, but opening presents of such unequal value shouldn't really be done at the same event. How could anyone NOT notice?