opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[shortbun]

I'd buy for each person equally. I mean, I'd set an amount for my total and either divide it between all 9 or I'd set an adult amount and a child amount. Why would the unmarried daughter expect to get the same total as the family of eiight? If she does, you've made a mistake somewhere along the way.

Oh, and I would not go crazy trying to make it exactly equal either. My MIL goes extremely nuts working to give everyone the same number of packages and spending the same amount. It's not unusual for her to give someone a few dollars and cents to make up the difference. Geesh! Don't do that!!!

 

[ReneeA]

Unfortunately, I feel that it's really difficult in life to keep things fair all of the time. It was mentioned here before that perhaps the mother feels a bit sorry for Sister #1 because she doesn't have her own family to share the holidays with. I think that could be a really strong possibility.

My dad and stepmom tried for awhile to keep things equal and fair...but then real life reared it's ugly head. There are 8 of us - 3 of us belong to dad, 5 belong to my stepmom. Her oldest and me (the oldest of my dad's) don't ask for anything. We have been self sufficient and have good jobs, support our children. The others have had to borrow or take throughout the years (in various amounts). The youngest is 20 and they are paying for her entire education...and she plans to go to Duke for her Master's in nursing. I paid my own way through college because they weren't in a position to pay 20 years ago. My stepbrother has been through inpatient drug rehab 3 times at a pricetag of over $50,000...and they foot the bill.

We all get the same check at Christmastime. $250 - single, married, kids...it doesn't matter. We get the same amount. Fair? Maybe, maybe not...but it's nice of them to do something, and I'm not going to gripe.

 

[LisaR]

Selfish behavior goes both ways. My parents chose to reward marriage/kids and punish success and education. If my choices are "punishable" then the daughter who does the marriage/kids can take all the responsibility. I am not Cindarella who is going to slave away while everyone else goes to the ball.

No, really, I think it is safe to say your parents are not rewarding you for reasons other than your marital status.

 

[prncess674]

No, really, I think it is safe to say your parents are not rewarding you for reasons other than your marital status.

You have no idea about my family. Trust me, I have done everything a parent could want other than getting married and having children. I paid for and supported myself thru school, work for a top consulting firm, bought my own condo in downtown DC on my own (saved my own 20% downpayment, unlike sister) took the whole damn bunch of them on vacation to WDW this year with deluxe hotels, tickets, airfare and all meals. Have made SIX trips home to see them at my own expense. In the 5 years I have lived away they have not once come to see me, but yet they have traveled to see sister six times THIS YEAR to see her. Before you are too quick to jump, my sister lives away too and she hasn't been home since last Christmas so it isn't like she is doing it all. I even took a week off of vacation to help them go thru a lifetime of house possesions so they could move. Sister didn't do a thing towards it. So PLEASE tell me how I could possibly be a disappointment.

Why should one sister get everything because she has a kid? I am just as deserving of family heirlooms which were my grandmother's?

 

[LisaR]

You have no idea about my family. Trust me, I have done everything a parent could want other than getting married and having children. I paid for and supported myself thru school, work for a top consulting firm, bought my own condo in downtown DC on my own (saved my own 20% downpayment, unlike sister) took the whole damn bunch of them on vacation to WDW this year with deluxe hotels, tickets, airfare and all meals. Have made SIX trips home to see them at my own expense. In the 5 years I have lived away they have not once come to see me, but yet they have traveled to see sister six times THIS YEAR to see her. Before you are too quick to jump, my sister lives away too and she hasn't been home since last Christmas so it isn't like she is doing it all. I even took a week off of vacation to help them go thru a lifetime of house possesions so they could move. Sister didn't do a thing towards it. So PLEASE tell me how I could possibly be a disappointment.

Why should one sister get everything because she has a kid? I am just as deserving of family heirlooms which were my grandmother's?

Attitude???

 

[prncess674]

Attitude???

I have cheerfully showed up at every single damn event and fulfill each and everyone of their requests. I am sharing my feelings here. I show up at every event and watch things that should be split up between children being handed over to my sister simply because she is married. It is favoritism and bias.

Oh I am certainly done being used. I am not allowed any of the family heirlooms but the parents had the audacity to ask me for an all expenses paid trip to New York as their Christmas present. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes get off your high horse.

You have also yet to explain why marriage allows one to have more than the other?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'd buy for each person equally. I mean, I'd set an amount for my total and either divide it between all 9 or I'd set an adult amount and a child amount. Why would the unmarried daughter expect to get the same total as the family of eiight? If she does, you've made a mistake somewhere along the way.

Oh, and I would not go crazy trying to make it exactly equal either. My MIL goes extremely nuts working to give everyone the same number of packages and spending the same amount. It's not unusual for her to give someone a few dollars and cents to make up the difference. Geesh! Don't do that!!!

Totally agree. It is just so petty.

 

[prncess674]

Totally agree. It is just so petty.

The unmarried daughter should be treated the same as the married daughter. Married daughter decided to have SIX kids! Why should married daughter's family get 8/9 of the Christmas budget???

 

[ReneeA]

I have cheerfully showed up at every single damn event and fulfill each and everyone of their requests. I am sharing my feelings here. I show up at every event and watch things that should be split up between children being handed over to my sister simply because she is married. It is favoritism and bias.

Oh I am certainly done being used. I am not allowed any of the family heirlooms but the parents had the audacity to ask me for an all expenses paid trip to New York as their Christmas present. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes get off your high horse.

You have also yet to explain why marriage allows one to have more than the other?

The marriage doesn't. When you get married and have children, it introduces more members into your family. Those children your sister had? They are just as much a part of your family as you are. I don't agree with you getting nothing, but if your parents are giving an item to each child and your sister as well as you...that's fair. If you were to have children, you would want your children treated as a part of the family. The way you describe your family, I'm not sure that your kids would be treated equally...it seems as if your parents have decided that you are self sufficient and they can do less for you...trust me, I understand that one. That doesn't mean that the OP is in the same situation as your sister...and you seem to be taking your anger out on her as if she is.

 

[prncess674]

I don't agree with you getting nothing, but if your parents are giving an item to each child and your sister as well as you...that's fair.

That's just it, I am getting nothing because she had kids.

Yes, the kids should get something, but when one sister (as the OP is in this situation) has SIX kids and a husband and the other sister is unmarried, there will be inequity. The mother is splitting her monies between the daughters. Why should daughter two be rewarded with 8/9?

 

[ReneeA]

That's just it, I am getting nothing because she had kids.

Yes, the kids should get something, but when one sister (as the OP is in this situation) has SIX kids and a husband and the other sister is unmarried, there will be inequity. The mother is splitting her monies between the daughters. Why should daughter two be rewarded with 8/9?

Because there are no longer just 2 members of the family. There are now 9. Each person is a member of the family...not just the original 2.

You would have a differing opinion if you had kids, I can promise you that. You wouldn't want your kids to not be a part of the family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The unmarried daughter should be treated the same as the married daughter. Married daughter decided to have SIX kids! Why should married daughter's family get 8/9 of the Christmas budget???

Yes. I think it is disgusting that anyone is crying FOUL over Christmas presents.

If I had a dd's that did that I would tell them to check their selfish attitude at the door.

It is Christmas for goodness sakes, not a reading of the will and division of assets.

And if your family is so dysfunctional it is your decision to put up with it. If your mother is getting you nothing, then accept that your place in the family and stop beating your head against the wall and move on with your life.

 

[N&B'smom]

Gifts should be per person. If they want to give $500 to the unmarried child they should give $500 to the married child. Then buy gifts for the son-in-law and grandchildren. I can't imagine spending so much on one person and then expecting the other to split that same amount up with her entire family!

 

[punkin]

The marriage doesn't. When you get married and have children, it introduces more members into your family. Those children your sister had? They are just as much a part of your family as you are. I don't agree with you getting nothing, but if your parents are giving an item to each child and your sister as well as you...that's fair. If you were to have children, you would want your children treated as a part of the family. The way you describe your family, I'm not sure that your kids would be treated equally...it seems as if your parents have decided that you are self sufficient and they can do less for you...trust me, I understand that one. That doesn't mean that the OP is in the same situation as your sister...and you seem to be taking your anger out on her as if she is.

That's right. Two families; two different situations.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's right. Two families; two different situations.

Right. I had to edit, because it is getting confusing in here.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't get some of the animosity that children feel for their parents because they were treated differently, or because a sibling was the "favorite". I was one of 4 siblings. My parent's favorite growing up was my younger brother. He was a super jock - all state athlete in two sports, letterman in 4. His name was known throughout the state. He got all of the attention. But I loved him, so I never felt left out because he was the favorite. One of my sisters did, and she still complains about it, but I never cared. It had nothing to do with me.

Fast forward 20 years. I am still the only child of the 4 who can be "counted on" to help, but my brother is still the favorite, though he is an addict and hasn't been seen in years. It still doesn't bother me. I love him and hope he is safe, wherever he is.

My parents can show favoritism toward my siblings without dimnishing their love for me. They do love me, but I am a different sort of person. I am one of those boring, solid guys that can be counted on, but who never does anything "exciting". I am very happy with my place in the world. Perhaps that is why it doesn't effect me.

 

[LisaR]

I have cheerfully showed up at every single damn event and fulfill each and everyone of their requests. I am sharing my feelings here. I show up at every event and watch things that should be split up between children being handed over to my sister simply because she is married. It is favoritism and bias.

Oh I am certainly done being used. I am not allowed any of the family heirlooms but the parents had the audacity to ask me for an all expenses paid trip to New York as their Christmas present. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes get off your high horse.

You have also yet to explain why marriage allows one to have more than the other?

Wow! Have you ever bothered to talk to your parents about the anger and resentment you have? Have you ever bothered to let them know that you are feeling slighted? Have you ever asked them for a particular heirloom? People aren't always tuned into every little detail. Maybe they aren't aware of the things you would like.

You say attitude isn't the issue but you have been nothing but rude and disrespectful to everyone on this thread. I am not the first one to point it out yet you continue to feel you are right and everyone else is wrong. I can only base your attitude and stubbornness that you exhibit in this thread on how you act when you are with your parents. You don't see any reason why it is rude to call someone's children dwarfs because that is her screen name. You don't see the difference in how you phrased it even though multiple people have pointed it out to you. You may think you arrive for all events "cheerfully" but you seem blinded by anger.

As to your question about giving more to those that are married vs. those that are single, I am all about treating every individual equally. However, you and I have a different definition of equally. I am married and my parents gave me some money towards my wedding. My brother did not get married so I assume my parents never gave him money for a wedding that didn't exist. Are you mad at your friends because they have bought wedding presents for your other friends but not for you? I am guessing you don't expect them to bestow a gift upon you just because they buy for other people who have gotten married so they "owe" you a gift too. Yet, you expect your parents to do just that.

My parents also contributed a little toward our education. Three out of four of us went to college. My sister didn't. The money they contributed was to further our education. They would have gladly given money to my sister for the same thing but she didn't go to college. By your example, you feel they are obligated to give my sister that money anyway. My DH and I are saving for college for our kids. If one or both chooses not to further their education, I assure you that money will go back in our pocket. We are saving it for a specific thing. The money is there for one purpose. If they don't wish to use it for that, we will gladly use it for our retirement.

Again, we disagree on the definition of being treated equally is in a family. Three out of four of us are married. When the holiday rolls around, every individual will receive $100. In my single brothers case, he will have $100 to spend. In the case of my family, I might keep my $100 for something I want or I might pool it together with my DH's $100 so we have $200 to spend together. My kids will each keep their own $100 and buy what they want with it. That is my definition of equality. In your definition, my mom "owes" my brother $400 because she gave my family $400 but in reality, she treats us all like individuals and every individual received $100. My other brother is married without kids. He gets $100 and his wife gets $100. Is the single brother being punished because he isn't married? You seem to feel he is. I have never once heard him complain about his $100 and he is nothing but gracious and happy to receive it. I guess it all comes down to attitude.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow! Have you ever bothered to talk to your parents about the anger and resentment you have? Have you ever bothered to let them know that you are feeling slighted? Have you ever asked them for a particular heirloom? People aren't always tuned into every little detail. Maybe they aren't aware of the things you would like.

You say attitude isn't the issue but you have been nothing but rude and disrespectful to everyone on this thread. I am not the first one to point it out yet you continue to feel you are right and everyone else is wrong. I can only base your attitude and stubbornness that you exhibit in this thread on how you act when you are with your parents. You don't see any reason why it is rude to call someone's children dwarfs because that is her screen name. You don't see the difference in how you phrased it even though multiple people have pointed it out to you. You may think you arrive for all events "cheerfully" but you seem blinded by anger.

As to your question about giving more to those that are married vs. those that are single, I am all about treating every individual equally. However, you and I have a different definition of equally. I am married and my parents gave me some money towards my wedding. My brother did not get married so I assume my parents never gave him money for a wedding that didn't exist. Are you mad at your friends because they have bought wedding presents for your other friends but not for you? I am guessing you don't expect them to bestow a gift upon you just because they buy for other people who have gotten married so they "owe" you a gift too. Yet, you expect your parents to do just that.

My parents also contributed a little toward our education. Three out of four of us went to college. My sister didn't. The money they contributed was to further our education. They would have gladly given money to my sister for the same thing but she didn't go to college. By your example, you feel they are obligated to give my sister that money anyway. My DH and I are saving for college for our kids. If one or both chooses not to further their education, I assure you that money will go back in our pocket. We are saving it for a specific thing. The money is there for one purpose. If they don't wish to use it for that, we will gladly use it for our retirement.

Again, we disagree on the definition of being treated equally is in a family. Three out of four of us are married. When the holiday rolls around, every individual will receive $100. In my single brothers case, he will have $100 to spend. In the case of my family, I might keep my $100 for something I want or I might pool it together with my DH's $100 so we have $200 to spend together. My kids will each keep their own $100 and buy what they want with it. That is my definition of equality. In your definition, my mom "owes" my brother $400 because she gave my family $400 but in reality, she treats us all like individuals and every individual received $100. My other brother is married without kids. He gets $100 and his wife gets $100. Is the single brother being punished because he isn't married? You seem to feel he is. I have never once heard him complain about his $100 and he is nothing but gracious and happy to receive it. I guess it all comes down to attitude.

MTE.

 

[luvsJack]

Selfish behavior goes both ways. My parents chose to reward marriage/kids and punish success and education. If my choices are "punishable" then the daughter who does the marriage/kids can take all the responsibility. I am not Cindarella who is going to slave away while everyone else goes to the ball.

Oh, please. No one is punishing you. Your parents are doing what they choose with their money. You made your choices, are you happy with them? If so, why don't you stop trying to find something to be miserable about and enjoy your life. If you are not happy with your choices, make new ones.

As for the OP's situation, like someone said there are now NOT 2 members of this mom's family, there are 9 members of her family and gifts should be budgets for a certain $ on each one. $125 each, $50 each, $100 per adult and $50 per kid--whatever but not the way it is being done.

 

[prncess674]

The problem here is the DIS is abnormally skewed towards married with kids, no wonder you all agree with the married with kids sister. Perhaps if the shoe were on the other foot you would feel differently.