opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[crashbb]

Im more confused. Is Christmas at mom's or one of the daughters?

Is the OP upset because she doesn't get more money because she has children? The children do not receive gifts from the grandmother?

Yes - the OP believes that she/her family should get 7 times what her sister gets, because she has a husband and six children. As it is now, both families get gifts worth the same amount, rather than each person getting gifts worth the same amount. The OP and her husband do without gifts (from her mother) so that her children can get better gifts.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes - the OP believes that she/her family should get 7 times what her sister gets, because she has a husband and six children. As it is now, both families get gifts worth the same amount, rather than each person getting gifts worth the same amount. The OP and her husband do without gifts (from her mother) so that her children can get better gifts.

What?! Are you sure this is what she is saying?

Frankly I think the whole thing reeks but that is just me.

 

[luvsJack]

In case you haven't noticed the OP's handle is "seven dwarfs" she gave the name to herself.

correct they can leave it to whoever they want, but I also don't have to sit around taking crap

that really sucks especially for other male grandchildren who will also carry on the family name. I suggest your husband's other cousins give all the responsibility to your husband too. You guys should learn what it is like to care for the elderly without assistance.

you are correct, I am done. If they don't want to treat me as an equal to my married up sister, then they can lean on her. Let's just say sister is in no way equipped to handle or deal with them.

You are really a piece of work! You base taking care of your mom and dad on what they will or will not give you? Talk about spoiled! Talk about entitlement!

The day I decide whether or not to take care of the woman who gave birth to me and took care of me and raised me and worked her tail off to support me because of how much MONEY she can give me is the day I consider myself one low human being.

I don't know whether you are aware of this or not but you are not owed one thin dime. You are not entitled to one thing your parents have. If they choose to leave something to you it is a GIFT and it is solely their choice. You must be a really unhappy person.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Im more confused. Is Christmas at mom's or one of the daughters?

Is the OP upset because she doesn't get more money because she has children? The children do not receive gifts from the grandmother?

Mom and daughter all live within 15 miles of each other. Christmas was moved to daughter 2's house for several reasons. One of which was the kids were all very young and it was way to much work to bring them to the moms. (six kids under age of 3....multiples) Also, The hubby wanted it moved, do to some other issues, tantrums and stuff. It was also brought up to the Mom that daughter 2 wanted her own time. This would help to not be around daughter 1 when gifts were opened to try and prevent hard feelings. (daughter 2 just sd I want to have some time with my family, never brought up the reason) Mom wasn't having that. So the compromise was it is at daughter 2's house and all gifts are exchanged per the Moms wants to try and keep some peace. Although daughter 2 likes the idea of someone on this thread that suggest she takes more control of the situation. I guess at the end of the day, it's bigger then the gifts.

 

[seven dwarfs]

What?! Are you sure this is what she is saying?

Frankly I think the whole thing reeks but that is just me.

I am not saying daughter 2 should get seven times as much. Would be nice to see it more even. Maybe if daughter 2 only had a couple kids, it wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe if I were the daughter 1 and was unable to put myself in other peoples shoes, I would disagree. Sometimes I think it's hard to put yourself where someone else is. This is why I posted the question.

I also think the unfair treatment probably is what fuels this issue and maybe if that wasn't a problem, this wouldn't be either. Maybe this issue is just another complication.

I do respect the ones who so far disagree with me. And I do think it is the parents right to do as they please. But that doesn't mean it hurts any differently. I really am interested in this topic as one day, I will be faced with the same issues and wonder what is the right thing to do. It would crush me for one of my kids to think I loved one more then the other. It has helped me to see both sides and for that I thank you all.

 

[seven dwarfs]

You are really a piece of work! You base taking care of your mom and dad on what they will or will not give you? Talk about spoiled! Talk about entitlement!

The day I decide whether or not to take care of the woman who gave birth to me and took care of me and raised me and worked her tail off to support me because of how much MONEY she can give me is the day I consider myself one low human being.

I don't know whether you are aware of this or not but you are not owed one thin dime. You are not entitled to one thing your parents have. If they choose to leave something to you it is a GIFT and it is solely their choice. You must be a really unhappy person.

Thanks for defending me. It must help PRNCESS674 to feel better by calling me names, or treating me rudely. It is OK. It really doesn't bother me. It actually makes me sad for her. It is so obvious that this person has some issues (right or wrong) and pain of some sort. By saying I choose my name as an excuse to be mean, shows you won't win with this person. Seems like pain manifests in two ways. You either make the best of it and try to work through it or you put it on others. I hope that she is able to work through it one day or else she will just get worse.

I am proud to say daughter 2 has never thought, well, they treat me badly so I think I will give it back. She is constantly there for them.

I guess she should be thankful even though their are hard feelings there, she has used them to better herself and not punish or hurt back. It puts into perspective how I treat my kids as their parent can effect so much of their adulthood and the person they become.

I am actually surprised for the most part this thread has stayed on topic and everyone getting along. I was so nervous to post this topic.

 

[momx2]

So you are saying that you spend what your mother spends on you which = $0 since you forgo any gifts. You made a choice to have a large family, why should your sister get lesser than you+kids in this situation? You sound like sour grapes that you aren't being adequately being compensated for procreating. So if your sister was to be like Michelle Duggar and have 19 kids you would be okay with your kiddos portion being reduced to $34 per person (21 sister family + 8 your family) divided by $1000 = $34 per person. If your sister were Michelle Duggar her family would receive $725 worth of gifts and your family would only receive $275 worth of gifts? Would this seem fair to you then?


The other question remains are you close with your mother? Do you take care of her daily needs or are you too busy taking care of the dwarf clan that you let all the burden of caring for your aged parents fall on your sister? Maybe sister does a lot for them over the year and your parents are showing gratitude for the care sister showed over the year. Perhaps you and the dwarf brigade show up on Christmas expecting a handout when your sister is the one doing the day in and day out care.

You are one rude person! You obviously have issues and a chip on your shoulder. Remember someone had to "procreate" to get your behind here, so don't knock it!

 

[momx2]

I think you made some very wise choices. Some people should not have children.

 

[castleview]

And the moral of this story is: Have and maintain your own money so you don't care what your parents do with theirs. Oh, and just enjoy the holiday for heaven's sake.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

In defense of PRNCESS674, I have noticed in many families that among siblings, one person always seems to do more than the other(s) and it's always expected. I've also noticed that it's the child(ren) that don't do anything that the parents seem to seek the most approval from and will, therefore, go above and beyond to gain that love, attention and recognition. And if I were PRNCESS674, I would be upset too. I would much prefer in these situations that the parents spend every last dime than leave all the money to one sibling. It's just not right. Everyone is saying how greedy PRNCESS674 is, but no one seems to be acknowledging that the parents are obviously playing favorites. Again, it's not right to play favorites among your children. My grandmother always said "if you bring something, you'd better have enough for everybody, or don't bring it at all" (candy, snacks, etc.) I don't see why PRNCESS674 parents shouldn't have given her money toward her college education since she wasn't married. I feel that she was being punished because she chose a different path than her parents wanted. Obviously she's hurt by her parents' behavior, as I think we all would be. Whether you feel she's right or wrong, it is the way she feels and that should be acknowledged. I think her only option, and the only option for OP, is to walk away from what's hurting them. You can only be taken advantage of or hurt if you allow it. And I can't imagine having to acknowledge that your parent(s) don't care.

 

[Mermaid02]

In defense of PRNCESS674, I have noticed in many families that among siblings, one person always seems to do more than the other(s) and it's always expected. I've also noticed that it's the child(ren) that don't do anything that the parents seem to seek the most approval from and will, therefore, go above and beyond to gain that love, attention and recognition. And if I were PRNCESS674, I would be upset too. I would much prefer in these situations that the parents spend every last dime than leave all the money to one sibling. It's just not right. Everyone is saying how greedy PRNCESS674 is, but no one seems to be acknowledging that the parents are obviously playing favorites. Again, it's not right to play favorites among your children. My grandmother always said "if you bring something, you'd better have enough for everybody, or don't bring it at all" (candy, snacks, etc.) I don't see why PRNCESS674 parents shouldn't have given her money toward her college education since she wasn't married. I feel that she was being punished because she chose a different path than her parents wanted. Obviously she's hurt by her parents' behavior, as I think we all would be. Whether you feel she's right or wrong, it is the way she feels and that should be acknowledged. I think her only option, and the only option for OP, is to walk away from what's hurting them. You can only be taken advantage of or hurt if you allow it. And I can't imagine having to acknowledge that your parent(s) don't care.

My dh does "the work" for his parents- we live in town and one brother lives an hour away and the other over 2 hours away. The older brother however is "the golden child" for whatever reason and I'm sure when the time comes, he will get more inhereitance than the other 2. Sometimes, that is just the way things are- it doesn't mean we will do less for dh's parents. It's called being the bigger person.

My inlaws however spend the same amount of money on each adult and grandchild at Christmas. Seriously, it is RIDICULOUSLY even. One brother in law has 3 kids, the rest of us have 2. I NEVER thought about the fact that they spent more on Tim's family.........

This thread makes me SO happy I am an only child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not saying daughter 2 should get seven times as much. Would be nice to see it more even. Maybe if daughter 2 only had a couple kids, it wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe if I were the daughter 1 and was unable to put myself in other peoples shoes, I would disagree. Sometimes I think it's hard to put yourself where someone else is. This is why I posted the question.

I also think the unfair treatment probably is what fuels this issue and maybe if that wasn't a problem, this wouldn't be either. Maybe this issue is just another complication.

I do respect the ones who so far disagree with me. And I do think it is the parents right to do as they please. But that doesn't mean it hurts any differently. I really am interested in this topic as one day, I will be faced with the same issues and wonder what is the right thing to do. It would crush me for one of my kids to think I loved one more then the other. It has helped me to see both sides and for that I thank you all.

Ok, for starters I do NOT agree with how it is handled.

I buy gifts per person so if someone is feeling slighted & ripped off then they need to put themselves in check because I think that is utterly selfish.

I have 2 dd's and they are 14 and 19. I do not see this as dilemma. It is only a dilemma if you create one.

SO, don't create a "house of cards" where everything has to be equal and fair ALL THE TIME because that is just not a realistic way to live imo.

Now if the parents are showing favoritism that is seperate issue. Hopefully, as a adult child you are smart enough to tell your parents where to go when they start putting demands on you and treating you like crap, if you are the black sheep.

 

[luvsJack]

Speaking as a parent who has 3 kids and worries sometimes if they all feel treated equally, sometimes you give to those you feel need it the most. And you tend to depend on the one who IN YOUR MIND is the most dependable and the most able to help.

My sister and I (and my brother if he is asked) will all do whatever we need to take care of mom, but she depends more upon my sister. In my mom's mind, my sister's husband makes lots of money and she can afford whatever it is mom needs/wants. In turn, she is forever offering to buy things for my kids because in her mind I will always be the youngest child with the least amount of money. It actually bothers me more than my sister, but we accept this is just the way she views us and there is no reason to expect her to change. And we already know that she is leaving her house to my brother because he is the one that needs a house and like I said earlier she will buy him a Christmas present, one for each of the great-grands and she buys for each of my children (to her my kids are all still kids, the other grown grandkids are grown). Some things you just accept.

OP, if it is really bothering the kids for things to seem so unfair; d2 can buy some gifts to be opened along with whatever the mom gives them. (seperate from the gifts the kids' mom and dad gives them) Let mom know she is doing this to "make things seem more even" and let it go. If it makes the kids happier this way then that problem is solved. Sometimes its just easier to solve the immediate problem. you can't make people change, they just are who they are.

 

[prncess674]

Thanks for defending me. It must help PRNCESS674 to feel better by calling me names,

Umm HELLO your disboard handle is "seven dwarfs" how in the world is me calling you "seven dwarfs" an insult. If you don't like your own handle you shouldn't have given it to YOURSELF!

Did you ever stop to think that you are the selfish one. You believe that your family is deserving of 8/9 of your mother's gift giving budget.

 

[Keli]

Haven't read all this thread because, well, it's huge. But here's my opinion. The mother in this example isn't giving any gifts to her son in law or grandchildren. She's only giving to her daughters. The fact that daughter number two is spending that gift on her children is irrelivant. At that point those are gifts from the daughter to her children.
I would not give gifts to only my children. I love my son in law and I want to buy gifts for him at Christmas too. And when I have grandchildren I will want to buy for them also.

 

[Hooked On The Mouse]

I think it depends if we are talking cash/cheque or gifts. We have 3 children; my husband's sister has only 1. When FIL writes a cheque, I think it's perfectly fair for us to get the same amount as SIL's family, especially as we don't expect money and it is a bonus. But I would be upset if my husband's niece got presents worth 3x the money that each of our children did, because that would seem like favoritism. I thought it was a little weird recently that FIL gave SIL a cheque for $1000, and gave us 3 cheques (made out to each of our kids) that together totalled $1000. It was almost like he trusts her judgement on money more than ours. But whatever, because whatever we have is for our children anyway. We put it in their savings accounts and were happy for them to have it.

 

[luvsJack]

Umm HELLO your disboard handle is "seven dwarfs" how in the world is me calling you "seven dwarfs" an insult. If you don't like your own handle you shouldn't have given it to YOURSELF!

Did you ever stop to think that you are the selfish one. You believe that your family is deserving of 8/9 of your mother's gift giving budget.

You can't seriously be saying that you don't see the difference in the way you used the name.

And SHE is selfish? Boy, that is the pot calling the kettle black. You are only worried about what your parents can give you when they die and your are calling someone ELSE selfish?

 

[prncess674]

You can't seriously be saying that you don't see the difference in the way you used the name.

And SHE is selfish? Boy, that is the pot calling the kettle black. You are only worried about what your parents can give you when they die and your are calling someone ELSE selfish?

Selfish behavior goes both ways. My parents chose to reward marriage/kids and punish success and education. If my choices are "punishable" then the daughter who does the marriage/kids can take all the responsibility. I am not Cindarella who is going to slave away while everyone else goes to the ball.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Daughter one gets $500 daughter 2's family gets $500 between them. To me this says that daughter 2 wants more money because she has a family and daughter 1 should get less. Daughter 2 needs to suck it up and stop trying to make the sister and parent feel bad.

 

[java]

My mom gives each of us (her children- couples or not you get the same $$) and she spends the same amount on each child of those people. Which really isn't necessary. imho. My 5 year old would have been just as happy with the $20 game she bought him- but she added $80 worth of junk just to make the $100. It was thoughtful of her but completely not necessary.

However I probably will do the same thing. I don't things can always be even steven with children. Sometimes one needs more than others. I suppose the problems start when there is ONE child that has way more financial need than the others. I didn't care when my Dad bought my Adult sister a car 2 years ago. She needed it. I thought it was a nice thing for him to do.