opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[prncess674]

Your guess is wrong. The Grandma recieves many gifts and the gifts represent the amount spent on her daughter.

So you are saying that you spend what your mother spends on you which = $0 since you forgo any gifts. You made a choice to have a large family, why should your sister get lesser than you+kids in this situation? You sound like sour grapes that you aren't being adequately being compensated for procreating. So if your sister was to be like Michelle Duggar and have 19 kids you would be okay with your kiddos portion being reduced to $34 per person (21 sister family + 8 your family) divided by $1000 = $34 per person. If your sister were Michelle Duggar her family would receive $725 worth of gifts and your family would only receive $275 worth of gifts? Would this seem fair to you then?


The other question remains are you close with your mother? Do you take care of her daily needs or are you too busy taking care of the dwarf clan that you let all the burden of caring for your aged parents fall on your sister? Maybe sister does a lot for them over the year and your parents are showing gratitude for the care sister showed over the year. Perhaps you and the dwarf brigade show up on Christmas expecting a handout when your sister is the one doing the day in and day out care.

 

[punkin]

I haven't read all the replies, but I'm surprised by all this comparison stuff being openly discussed by families. In our family, it is/was considered rude to even look at the amount in front of the giver, let alone broadcast it throughout the entire family! Those who give cash/check/gift card slip it inside a Christmas card. Protocol is to open the card in front of the giver, slip the money into a pocket without looking at it, and thank the giver profusely for his or her generosity. Later, you can look at it in private and cheer, grimace, mutter about someone being cheap or whatever your reaction may be. But in front of everyone? Never!

I'm not saying our way is inherently "right" or another way is "wrong," but it certainly does prevent this sort of situation from occurring! I have no idea how much anyone gets from anyone else, and I'm perfectly blissful in my ignorance. Meanwhile, most of the family gives actual gifts, that have a great deal of thought and love behind them. I don't make it my mission to research how much things cost, so once again I have no idea who got "more" or "less" than me.

I do think it's ridiculous to give by "family" though. Whatever presents we've exchanged, money or otherwise, have always been for the person. The only exception is that sometimes a married couple will get something they've said they need for the house. But otherwise, isn't each person an individual, with his or her own tastes and likes and desires? Why would you give to the "household" rather than the person, even if it's a cash gift?

I think if your sister got a flat screen TV and your children got a pair of pj's each, you would notice the difference even without any research. I agree with you though, giving by household strikes me as asinine in the extreme.

I think RadioNate hit it on the head, this is not an issue of money, but persistent unfairness in all dealings.

 

[prncess674]

I think if your sister got a flat screen TV and your children got a pair of pj's each, you would notice the difference even without any research. I agree with you though, giving by household strikes me as asinine in the extreme.

I think RadioNate hit it on the head, this is not an issue of money, but persistent unfairness in all dealings.

Umm you are missing that one "family" is 8 people and one "family" is a person of 1. Why should one family get 8 times as much? Should she love that side more? Just because someone is a family is a family of 1 doesn't mean they should count less.

 

[punkin]

Umm you are missing that one "family" is 8 people and one "family" is a person of 1. Why should one family get 8 times as much? Does she love that side more?

Why shouldn't each person get the same?

 

[LisaR]

I think we need to remove the dollar amount.

The issue is that daughter 1 is getting a obviously expensive gift (flat screen TV, treadmill, whatever) while daughter 2 isn't getting anything and daughter 2's kids are getting run of the mill gifts (pjs, cheap toys, whatever.)

We can say all we want about 'the thought' and the spirit of Christmas and all that but the fact is seeing that year after year has got to make someone feel crappy.

I'm actually not about things always being totally equal all the time. However, blatant favoritism is pretty hurtful.

One year, my MIL bought one granddaughter a piano. It wasn't a huge thing or one of the best but it was every bit of $500. She bought the other two grandsons one T-shirt. That's it. Nothing else. She gave GD a picture of the piano to open while the GS opened their shirts. That was the first Christmas I spent with DH's family. I knew right away that I was in for an interesting time.

 

[prncess674]

Why shouldn't each person get the same?

In my instance, why should my gift be reduced because my sister decided to marry up and get prego? she made a choice so her share should be divided amongst her choices. My sister and I are the only descendants on that side, why should she get more of an inheritance and gifts because of life choices? Perhaps I should start asking for gifts for my career and car. I made those life choices so they should count as 2 pluses in my column too.

 

[lovemygoofy]

In my instance, why should my gift be reduced because my sister decided to marry up and get prego? she made a choice so her share should be divided amongst her choices. My sister and I are the only descendants on that side, why should she get more of an inheritance and gifts because of life choices? Perhaps I should start asking for gifts for my career and car. I made those life choices so they should count as 2 pluses in my column too.

Wow, you are really upset about all this. Personally I think you are really insulting the op calling her family "dwarf."

As for the inheritance thing, it's your parents perogative to do whatever the hell they want. If they want to leave it all to the parrots of cayman islands then more power to them.

My husband is the oldest grandchild and carries on the family name. The grandchildren were informed that my husband will receive more than the other grandchildren because he is the oldest and carrying on the lastname. How's that for not fair?

So you think you should get more money because you don't have children or a spouse? You think you should be compensated with an inheritance because you took care of your aging parents? If you don't want to help with the care of your parents then don't.

 

[punkin]

In my instance, why should my gift be reduced because my sister decided to marry up and get prego? she made a choice so her share should be divided amongst her choices. My sister and I are the only descendants on that side, why should she get more of an inheritance and gifts because of life choices? Perhaps I should start asking for gifts for my career and car. I made those life choices so they should count as 2 pluses in my column too.

I think you made some very wise choices. Some people should not have children.

 

[LisaR]

In my instance, why should my gift be reduced because my sister decided to marry up and get prego? she made a choice so her share should be divided amongst her choices. My sister and I are the only descendants on that side, why should she get more of an inheritance and gifts because of life choices? Perhaps I should start asking for gifts for my career and car. I made those life choices so they should count as 2 pluses in my column too.

I am starting to think there might be some other issues going on here that could possibly be contributing to the lack of gifts you receive.

 

[prncess674]

Wow, you are really upset about all this. Personally I think you are really insulting the op calling her family "dwarf."

In case you haven't noticed the OP's handle is "seven dwarfs" she gave the name to herself.

As for the inheritance thing, it's your parents perogative to do whatever the hell they want. If they want to leave it all to the parrots of cayman islands then more power to them.

correct they can leave it to whoever they want, but I also don't have to sit around taking crap

My husband is the oldest grandchild and carries on the family name. The grandchildren were informed that my husband will receive more than the other grandchildren because he is the oldest and carrying on the lastname. How's that for not fair?

that really sucks especially for other male grandchildren who will also carry on the family name. I suggest your husband's other cousins give all the responsibility to your husband too. You guys should learn what it is like to care for the elderly without assistance.

So you think you should get more money because you don't have children or a spouse? You think you should be compensated with an inheritance because you took care of your aging parents? If you don't want to help with the care of your parents then don't.

you are correct, I am done. If they don't want to treat me as an equal to my married up sister, then they can lean on her. Let's just say sister is in no way equipped to handle or deal with them.

 

[dzorn]

My mother spend the same on each of her children equally. She also spends and equal amount on her grand children. It does not matter which child is the parent of the grand child. The grandchilds gift amount has no bearing on the amount for the chilren. IL get the same.

Denise in MI

 

[CajunDixie]

correct they can leave it to whoever they want, but I also don't have to sit around taking crap

that really sucks especially for other male grandchildren who will also carry on the family name. I suggest your husband's other cousins give all the responsibility to your husband too. You guys should learn what it is like to care for the elderly without assistance.

you are correct, I am done. If they don't want to treat me as an equal to my married up sister, then they can lean on her. Let's just say sister is in no way equipped to handle or deal with them.

I'm surprised you haven't spoke up sooner. I feel the OP's Daughter 1 & 2 & 2's family should be treated as individuals not as a family unit.

But I can see your point in your situation. I know I get sick of getting the "KMart Blue Light Special Gifts" while SIL gets the four star big city restaurant GC. Sure BIL & SIL make more money than us and I don't resent that but I'm sick of being given trash and then told by MIL she knows I will be the one to take care of her when she gets old. How she will be moving in with us when she needs too. Ahhh hello!!!! Hell no!!! Thats not going to happen. And then there's the other SIL....MIL hates her with a passion but she still gets her expensive gifts. I just make BIL take me to the liquor store so we can all have a lil drink and laugh it all off.

 

[seven dwarfs]

So you are saying that you spend what your mother spends on you which = $0 since you forgo any gifts. You made a choice to have a large family, why should your sister get lesser than you+kids in this situation? You sound like sour grapes that you aren't being adequately being compensated for procreating. So if your sister was to be like Michelle Duggar and have 19 kids you would be okay with your kiddos portion being reduced to $34 per person (21 sister family + 8 your family) divided by $1000 = $34 per person. If your sister were Michelle Duggar her family would receive $725 worth of gifts and your family would only receive $275 worth of gifts? Would this seem fair to you then?


The other question remains are you close with your mother? Do you take care of her daily needs or are you too busy taking care of the dwarf clan that you let all the burden of caring for your aged parents on your sister? Maybe sister does a lot for them over the year and is showing gratitude over the year. Perhaps you and the dwarf brigade show up on Christmas expecting a handout when your sister is the one doing the day in and day out care.

Wow! This is a loaded post and I am afraid I have stirred up some bad feelings you may have with your own family which makes me sad to think others are also suffering. I am sorry if I have stirred emotions in you. That wasn't my point.

I will try to answer your questions the best I can but certainly don't want to debate. I respect that you agree that sister 1 should get what she gets as well as sister 2.

Daughter 2 actually does more for the parents then daughter 1 although it really isn't part of the issue but wanted to address your question. Daughter 1 has a stressful job and requires many hours. Therefore she isn't as available to the parents. Daughter 2 doesn't care about who does the work or caring for the parents. By the way, the parents are not aged at all. They are young (65) and both work and are fully functioning. Although daughter 2 recently painted a new sun room just because. And daughter 2 and hubby just laid a new tile floor for them in sun room just because. And hubby of daughter just put in Geo thermal heat for them for free. the list could go on, but that isn't the point. At least I don't think it is. Daughter 2 would never say to daughter 1 what did you do and have never had an issue with keeping tabs. I guess that's the irony in it all. Even with the mistreatment daughter 2 treats parents with respect.

As far as the money issue you posted, I had a hard time following your numbers but I guess when I posted originally my thoughts were, I think that the gifts should be equal. Not so much dollar to dollar but if I would give everyone a bag of peanuts. Not one a new TV and all others peanuts. Although as I have stated, not sure where I stand. Is this wrong to want to say spend $50 each? That is the point of my post. To understand why others think differently.

And to clarify one more thing you brought up. Christmas takes place at daughter 2 house. She does 100% of the cooking and cleaning. Gifts are brought here and dispersed. Daughter 2 is OK with this. It isn't like daughter 2 is a dead beat at all. And this change in location which happened 10 yrs ago has not been easy. The Mom wants it at her house period. And has had many tantrums because of it. Even on Christmas Day. Not been pretty.

And to answer the question is daughter 2 close to the Mom? I guess that is a relative question. She wants a healthy relationship who wouldn't but is pretty sure it will never happen. But she still takes care of them and does things for them. Maybe secretly thinking that one day.....

And to add, the relationship with daughter 1 isn't necessarily good, it's just better. Daughter 1 gives in to the control more then daughter 2. Daughter 2 tends to buck them more. I think it's easier for daughter 1 to conform since she isn't married. Daughter 2 has others who have opinions in the situation.

 

[Scurvy]

In my instance, why should my gift be reduced because my sister decided to marry up and get prego? she made a choice so her share should be divided amongst her choices. My sister and I are the only descendants on that side, why should she get more of an inheritance and gifts because of life choices? Perhaps I should start asking for gifts for my career and car. I made those life choices so they should count as 2 pluses in my column too.

Maybe you should stop looking at it as "your share" and "her share". It is your parents' money, after all. I can certainly understand why you would be hurt that they don't want to spend time with you, and I can understand why you would be unhappy if your sister is the only one inheriting sentimental family heirlooms just because she has a family and you don't. I think most people would be hurt by that. But claiming a share of your parents' money while they are still using it is not appropriate. No one has a share, except for your parents. Sure, in an ideal world their gift giving budget would increase every time a new family member is added. If they can afford $1000 when they have 2 kids, then it would be great if they could have a $2000 budget by the time each child gets married. And then when a child has their own child, the budget increases by another $1000. But sadly, in real life it doesn't work that way for most of us. A couple who can afford to spend $2000 on gifts is going to have to figure out how to stretch that $2000 to cover more people each time they find someone new to buy for. It isn't your share and your sister's share. It's your parents' gift-giving budget that is getting stretched to cover all the people they choose to shop for. No one is entitled to any of that money. Your parents could choose to spend it all on one person, or they could choose to divide it up completely equally between everyone they are buying gifts for, or they could choose some other way entirely to divide it. It's their money. They are entitled to spend it however they choose to, on whoever they want to.

I assume you're joking about the car and career. There's a big difference between people and possessions. You sound like you're looking at the kids as a lifestyle choice instead of as actual human beings, who have their own relationship with their grandparents. Most grandparents enjoy giving their grandchildren gifts. I don't think they would enjoy giving gifts to cars and careers.

 

[crashbb]

I certainly don't think my kids deserve my money (nor do I think they would think they do) but if I were to give it to them it would be equally.

But they ARE giving it to you equally - $500 each. The fact that you then split the money amongst six others doesn't change this fact. What they aren't doing is giving to their son-in-law or grandchildren.

I know that my father's will splits the money 50:50 between my brother and I. It doesn't matter that he might have 35 children and I have none (or vice versa), we both get the same amount of money. I don't really know about presents (and I don't care).

 

[seven dwarfs]

But they ARE giving it to you equally - $500 each. The fact that you then split the money amongst six others doesn't change this fact. What they aren't doing is giving to their son-in-law or grandchildren.

I know that my father's will splits the money 50:50 between my brother and I. It doesn't matter that he might have 35 children and I have none (or vice versa), we both get the same amount of money. I don't really know about presents (and I don't care).

I think maybe you miss understood me. There is no money given. It is in the form of presents. I used money to try to make a point or help others understand the question.

 

[Minnie]

And to clarify one more thing you brought up. Christmas takes place at daughter 2 house. She does 100% of the cooking and cleaning. Gifts are brought here and dispersed. Daughter 2 is OK with this. It isn't like daughter 2 is a dead beat at all. And this change in location which happened 10 yrs ago has not been easy. The Mom wants it at her house period. And has had many tantrums because of it. Even on Christmas Day. Not been pretty.

And to add, the relationship with daughter 1 isn't necessarily good, it's just better. Daughter 1 gives in to the control more then daughter 2. Daughter 2 tends to buck them more. I think it's easier for daughter 1 to conform since she isn't married. Daughter 2 has others who have opinions in the situation.

- D1 chose not to marry or have kids - her choice
- D2 chose to have 6 kids - her choice

- Parents choose to not to "reward" either D for her choice

Did D2 require the switch to her house for Xmas morning for her 6 kids. If mom cared this much about the "where" then D2 should have allowed it to be at her house.....

D2 easily thinks it's "easier" for D1 to give in..... It's not her

 

[crashbb]

I think maybe you miss understood me. There is no money given. It is in the form of presents. I used money to try to make a point or help others understand the question.

No, I understood you. I was using money in the same way.

The point remains the same. Your parents are spending an equal amount on you and your sister $500. You choose to have your presents split amongst your children while your sister chooses to have her presents for herself.

Again - your parents are giving the two of you an equal value of presents. They are, however, not giving anything to their son-in-law or grandchildren (not what most of us would do, but it is there choice).

 

[disykat]

So if your sister was to be like Michelle Duggar and have 19 kids you would be okay with your kiddos portion being reduced to $34 per person (21 sister family + 8 your family) divided by $1000 = $34 per person. If your sister were Michelle Duggar her family would receive $725 worth of gifts and your family would only receive $275 worth of gifts? Would this seem fair to you then?


.

Absolutely. I think most people would be okay with that. We're talking Christmas presents here.

I think you are allowing the fact that there is obviously other stuff out there that really upsets you about your family to color your viewpoint of how giftgiving is normally done.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This has been suggested and with the mom being OCD and wanting everything her way, this is causing major issues. The mom wants it at her house with everyone. I think kids at a younger age are certainly aware of who is getting what. If one kids gets a DS and the other kid gets a truck, of course they notice.

Wow! This is a loaded post and I am afraid I have stirred up some bad feelings you may have with your own family which makes me sad to think others are also suffering. I am sorry if I have stirred emotions in you. That wasn't my point.

I will try to answer your questions the best I can but certainly don't want to debate. I respect that you agree that sister 1 should get what she gets as well as sister 2.

Daughter 2 actually does more for the parents then daughter 1 although it really isn't part of the issue but wanted to address your question. Daughter 1 has a stressful job and requires many hours. Therefore she isn't as available to the parents. Daughter 2 doesn't care about who does the work or caring for the parents. By the way, the parents are not aged at all. They are young (65) and both work and are fully functioning. Although daughter 2 recently painted a new sun room just because. And daughter 2 and hubby just laid a new tile floor for them in sun room just because. And hubby of daughter just put in Geo thermal heat for them for free. the list could go on, but that isn't the point. At least I don't think it is. Daughter 2 would never say to daughter 1 what did you do and have never had an issue with keeping tabs. I guess that's the irony in it all. Even with the mistreatment daughter 2 treats parents with respect.

As far as the money issue you posted, I had a hard time following your numbers but I guess when I posted originally my thoughts were, I think that the gifts should be equal. Not so much dollar to dollar but if I would give everyone a bag of peanuts. Not one a new TV and all others peanuts. Although as I have stated, not sure where I stand. Is this wrong to want to say spend $50 each? That is the point of my post. To understand why others think differently.

And to clarify one more thing you brought up. Christmas takes place at daughter 2 house. She does 100% of the cooking and cleaning. Gifts are brought here and dispersed. Daughter 2 is OK with this. It isn't like daughter 2 is a dead beat at all. And this change in location which happened 10 yrs ago has not been easy. The Mom wants it at her house period. And has had many tantrums because of it. Even on Christmas Day. Not been pretty.

And to answer the question is daughter 2 close to the Mom? I guess that is a relative question. She wants a healthy relationship who wouldn't but is pretty sure it will never happen. But she still takes care of them and does things for them. Maybe secretly thinking that one day.....

And to add, the relationship with daughter 1 isn't necessarily good, it's just better. Daughter 1 gives in to the control more then daughter 2. Daughter 2 tends to buck them more. I think it's easier for daughter 1 to conform since she isn't married. Daughter 2 has others who have opinions in the situation.

Im more confused. Is Christmas at mom's or one of the daughters?

Is the OP upset because she doesn't get more money because she has children? The children do not receive gifts from the grandmother?