Open bar or cash only at wedding?

[LBIJim]

I think your daughter and future SIL are being more than generous by agreeing on the 2 hour open bar, especially since they aren't keen on serving alcohol at all. I'm sure the groom's mother will calm down after a while.

While full open bars have been the norm around here, over the past decade or so, it's becoming more acceptable to have a cash bar or limited alcohol service.

I wouldn't put any notice in the invitation about the bar closing after two hours.

I'm sure the reception will be wonderful.

Jim

 

[christineann]

Best wishes to your daughter and her fiance. She may have a long road ahead of her with a MIL like that. I can't imagine someone feeling that having alcohol is the determining factor in whether or not to attend a wedding, especially your own son's!!

 

[mgsmom]

Dang. Poor kids.
Well, this is a GREAT opportunity for them to stand their ground and set the tone for how they will be a team together for the rest of their lives.

I would just tell her no more than 50. Period.
Unfortunately, you know she'll show up in the end...

Are they having a wedding planner? I hired one to handle just the people-herding the weekend of the wedding and it was great (bridal party, parents, family, photog, florist, etc). SHE got to tick everyone off by upholding our wishes. And I got to enjoy everything else.

 

[snykymom]

I can't imagine not attending my own child's wedding because I didn't agree with how they chose to serve alcohol!

That's exactly what an alcoholic would do. Alcohol is more important than anything.

OP, glad that the bride & groom have worked it out to their satisfaction. Unfortunately, this will not be the last problem they will have with his mother. But as long as they both are on the same page, they should be fine.

Good luck to them!

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Just to give a cost prospective...

We hosted a party 2.5 years ago (not a wedding) in Florida with an open bar for about 100-125 guests. The bar was open for 4 hours.

Total bar bill...$7000.

It's wasn't fun getting that bill.

 

[Bluestars]

I went to a wedding once where the family purchased the alcohol and friends of the family served as bar tenders. I don't know how much this helped with the cost.

 

[DebbieB]

I went to a wedding once where the family purchased the alcohol and friends of the family served as bar tenders. I don't know how much this helped with the cost.

Careful with that. If someone gets drunk and goes out and kills someone in their car, the liability will go back to the family. Having a bartender supplied by the venue takes the liability away from the family. I know people who hire bartenders for their kids graduation parties for the same reason. The bartender is then responsible to police the age limit.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

That's exactly what an alcoholic would do. Alcohol is more important than anything.

OP, glad that the bride & groom have worked it out to their satisfaction. Unfortunately, this will not be the last problem they will have with his mother. But as long as they both are on the same page, they should be fine.

Good luck to them!

We had no alcohol at our wedding (we don't drink, our immediate families don't drink, and most of our friends don't drink). Some of my extended family members were very vocal about their displeasure of not being provided with alcohol and all went to a bar instead.

 

[Mandychelle79]

Ok, I have to ask - what is a shot dance?

Must be like the cookie table, mainly a western Pa thing.

Basically the shot dance is a dance that guests dance with either the Bride or Groom. Yes, it is called the money dance, because people do usually pay a dollar ( though Ive never been at a wedding where if they person didnt pay they couldnt dance with the bride/groom). Usually they are welcome to take a shot, before going out to dance. We had Whiskey and Peach Schnapps.

 

[pyrxtc]

Being raised in MA, OPEN bar was norm for weddings. I think the only one we went to that didn't have open bar was my cousin's and they had no bar but they did have a bar downstairs that people got their drinks from but that is because it was in a K of C hall. Maybe open bar for cocktail hour and then just one type of beer and wine for the rest of the night. Free soda and other drinks during the whole time. If you decide to do cash bar, please tell everyone so they can bring money.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Actually when formal weddings usually run about $20 per head, if she is only willing to contribute $500 for everything I would tell them they are limited to 50 guests and if she wants an open bar SHE will have to pay for it.

I personally would only have a champagne toast and wine with dinner. I wouldn't even have the open bar for 2 hours. Do you know how drunk someone can get in 2 hours who knows they only have 2 hours to drink? It might get very ugly very fast.

I have had experience with drunks ruining a wedding and I would do whatever you had to do to avoid that at all costs. They won't remember much about that day except the big scene that gets started by the drunk folks.

In this day and age it is not totally up to the bride's parents to pay for everything.

Even 20 years ago I attended several weddings where the bride's family paid for the wedding and honeymoon and the groom's family paid for the dinner and reception. Especially if they have a ton of ppl they are inviting.

$20 per person for a formal wedding?

My parents paid $25 a head for my wedding and I've been married for 39 years!

(I've got to get out of NJ.)

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I've lived near Boston my entire life (41 years) and been to more weddings than I can count off the top of my head. They've ranged from simple affairs to elaborate and expensive. Every single one of them was a cash bar. Around here it has absolutely nothing to do with expense. It's what's the norm and I don't know a single person who would head to a wedding without cash. Usually people take turns buying rounds.

In any case, my personal opinion is that it is the bride and groom's choice. If they don't want a bar (cash or open) then no bar. If others don't like it that's their problem. If drinking is more important than the happiness of the couple getting married, then they can either get themselves to an AA meeting or go get drunk somewhere else. Not the brides and grooms concern.

But what is expensive and elaborate to you might not be such to the next person.

I've attended two weddings in your area.

One was for my cousin's daughter who got married at their vacation home on Martha's Vineyard. The other was about 20 years ago in Boston at the Four Seasons (husband's boss' son).

Neither one had a cash bar.

I can understand having cash bars at certain functions, but a wedding is not one of them.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Taking under advisement the different options and opinions, my daughter has decided to go with the 2 hour open bar after the ceremony and then closing it down the rest of the night. She wants sparkling grape juice for toasting (it is her favorite, none of us cares for champagne anyway) and then a choice of red or white wine at dinner, poured slowly by staff. She is also considering the coffee and hot chocolate bar for later in the evening.

She is now dealing with a future mother in law that is no longer coming to the wedding because

1. My daughter asked for an approximate count of how many people she would like to invite, as I am planning on 50 for each side, with the suggestion that if the groom's side wants more, they may pay for it, we just want to reserve the correct size room (apparently, it is rude to ask for how many guests they want to invite).

2. How can the groom's family go to a wedding where we have no bar of any sort? They just don't think they will come because we are insulting their family by not providing alcohol. While the groom's side may be filled with a bunch of people that really enjoy drinking until they pass out, I also have the alcoholic brother, so it isn't as if this is just directed at them, but you know, when one is angry, it can be hard to see straight and process facts.

I am backing up the two of them, and just shaking my head over not coming to a wedding that you AREN'T EVEN PAYING FOR because you can't drink through the night and you refuse to give an idea of how many people you wish to invite because it would be rude to ask people if they want to come. She just doesn't get that I am not asking for if people are coming, I just want to know if she has an idea of whether or not it will be over 50 for their side so I can reserve the correct size room with a guarantee from her that she will pay for the extra (and I wish it was $20 per person, try 5X that much in my area, plus bar and venue).

I am sure she will calm down eventually, but I do hate that the whole alcohol provision question devolved into this. At least my daughter and her fiance have made a decision on this matter, and they can proceed to the next step - putting out the fire with the East Coast family members!

That sounds lovely.

Good luck with the MIL, sounds like your poor daughter and future son-in-law will need it.

Some people seem to misplace their senses when a wedding is being planned.

They don't understand that room size comes into play and you can only fit so many.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Glad your daughter and future husband have made their choices. It sounds perfect for what they want/the situation with overdrinking and not wanting anything to ruin their wedding memories.

I would have future sil contact his mother again and tell her that she can invite 50 people to the wedding and the date that he needs the list. Do not give her the option of inviting more and paying for them. It will not happen and you will be stuck with the extra tab.

If she complains or says she needs to invite more, he just needs to repeat that she is limited to 50 and that he needs her list of 50 people by xxx date. if she doesn't give it to him, that is her problem. He would know who he wants to invite-grandparents, aunts and uncles, and they should be sent invitations.

 

[slytherinbratz]

My cousins got married June 2nd & had an open bar for wine & various beers. If they had a mixed drink the guest had to pay. I had to laugh when I asked my Grandmother why & she replied it was a Catholic thing.

 

[aprilgail2]

$20 per person for a formal wedding?

My parents paid $25 a head for my wedding and I've been married for 39 years!

(I've got to get out of NJ.)

LOL--kids birthday parties cost more than 20.00 a kid never mind a formal wedding. I think she may have just left off a zero and meant 200.00 a head??

 

[Ciao Mickey]

LOL--kids birthday parties cost more than 20.00 a kid never mind a formal wedding. I think she may have just left off a zero and meant 200.00 a head??

That's the first thought that came to mind--a digit was left off on the front or back of that $20.

 

[LynnTH]

Just to give a cost prospective...

We hosted a party 2.5 years ago (not a wedding) in Florida with an open bar for about 100-125 guests. The bar was open for 4 hours.

Total bar bill...$7000.

It's wasn't fun getting that bill.

This is exactly the reason that I have no problem with Cash Bars. I'm from MN and we expect Cash Bars. I just think it is ridiculous for anyone to pay that kind of money just so everyone can drink free all night. Most weddings around here are Cash Bar or they have a open bar for an hour or two then free soda/punch but if you want anything else it is Cash Bar.

I have been to weddings with open bar and it is crazy the amount of alcohol that is wasted because someone else is paying for it. So many people will get a drink and then leave it somewhere and then just go get another because they are not paying for it.

Most invitations will state on the bottom of the invite/rsvp card that it is a Cash Bar - although we ususally just expect that around here anyway.

 

[TLSnell1981]

LOL--kids birthday parties cost more than 20.00 a kid never mind a formal wedding. I think she may have just left off a zero and meant 200.00 a head??

My thoughts too.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I've been to many many weddings with cash bars. Nobody ever TALKED about it.

By the way, just WHO is going to talk about it and what are they going to say?

The guests are going to talk about it, because it's tacky and rude. I've worked many a wedding and anytime someone chose to have a cash bar...smack talk. It's their business if they want a cash bar, just letting them know the facts. I have no idea where cash bars are the norm, they aren't here. Here people just think you are a cheap and tacky.

Now this is true of my area, I guess there could be pockets of the US where people normally don't have an open bar for a wedding, here it's just considered to be in very poor taste.