Online Dating

[Scouter]

Sometimes people get too caught up in some sort of prepackaged "compatibility" on these sites. People's hobbies aren't really that important, it's the personality that's more important. Saying you won't meet up with someone who doesn't drink coffee, or beer, or hates your favourite sport, is not really fair to them or you.


Well, except when they specifically state they want someone athletic AND intellectual. I'd fail and if they really want that then it's not me.

I drink. My husband doesn't. He comes with me on winery trips though, and we have a blast. I hate football. He loves it. I go with him and we have a blast at games, somehow. In fact on paper we probably have more things not in common that in common,but it doesn't mean squat in the whole tapestry of our lives. Whether someone likes the same books I do, doesn't make them any more or less a kind ear at the end of the day.

Then I think of my friend who half the "hobbies and interests" she puts down are a stretch but she laughingly told me she has no hobbies but it will look bad because everyone expects hobbies to be listed. So just because she puts down that she likes movies, sure she vaguely likes them, but doesn't mean someone who isn't into movies should assume she is looking for a movie geek, or whatever. But on the site it just looks so important lol

When you meet someone organically, out in the world, they don't go around listing their hobbies and interests on a t-shirt - if there was a spark you would just talk and see what happens.

I have friends on these sites, and the ones that were open to meeting all kinds of people seemed to do the best. (Sample size of about 6 friends lol)

I love this: Then I think of my friend who half the "hobbies and interests" she puts down are a stretch but she laughingly told me she has no hobbies but it will look bad because everyone expects hobbies to be listed.
That's me with no real hobbies and my interests might scare people, (I'm fascinated with watching stuff about serial killings, missing people and autoposies and death) but, I would
never list things that weren't really my hobbies or interests, but I get what she's saying!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's not about the hobbies.

It's not an assumption. It's fact. I'm fat. The guys I don't swipe on? They're not going to be into me. Why would I swipe left on men who are looking for "fit and active" - I'm not that. And a good majority of the profiles say something along those lines.

I didn't say it was about hobbies either, but that is what the PP spoke about so that's what I was responding about.

Someone putting on their profile that they ski or hike doesn't mean they won't be with someone who doesn't (or hasn't tried). If someone does say "I want fit and athletic" that IS different than just putting up what they are into. In that case you know what? the other person may be missing out on a great person because they aren't more open. But what we (at least in my comments) was talking about was bypassing someone because you assume they won't want to be with you because of xyz.

 

[Scouter]

It's not about the hobbies. For me. From my experience. Can't speak for others, obvs.

It's not an assumption. It's fact. I'm fat. The guys I don't swipe on? They're not going to be into me. Why would I swipe left on men who are looking for "fit and active" - I'm not that. And a good majority of the profiles say something along those lines.
Why would I take a chance and put myself out there and end up on a reddit page (Cos I've seen them!) and if you've ever read any comments on a plus sized person's post anywhere on the internet? You'll know. You'll know the hate that's out there for those that are more marshmallow shaped than twig. It's rife, it's toxic AF.

So yah - For me? It's not about the hobbies per se - I am not looking for a man who likes/does MY hobbies - because they're MY hobbies. Just as they're not looking for a fat chick when they want someone "fit and active".

And also, the disposable nature of dating nowadays - people (for the most part) do not hang around to see if you're a nice person who is supportive and loyal. No guy who isn't into OK with a pooh sized girl (in a non-fetish way - cos that's something else) is going to take a long term chance on a fat chick when there's plenty of skinny girls who ARE his type out there. Younger ones too. Without kids at home or other responsibilities?

 

[Scouter]

I didn't say it was about hobbies either, but that is what the PP spoke about so that's what I was responding about.

Someone putting on their profile that they ski or hike doesn't mean they won't be with someone who doesn't (or hasn't tried). If someone does say "I want fit and athletic" that IS different than just putting up what they are into. In that case you know what? the other person may be missing out on a great person because they aren't more open. But what we (at least in my comments) was talking about was bypassing someone because you assume they won't want to be with you because of xyz.

You are correct that I'm assuming they won't like me because I don't xyand z.
I have very low self esteem and it's not about my looks or size, it's damage done from years of bad relationships and hating myself when i look in the mirror.
So you're right, I do already write them off as I feel like they won't like me and I'd make a whole complex of myself of how I should change for them or not be good enough.
It is my own issue and probably why I don't know if I will ever date again or not.

But I think you're on the money!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You are correct that I'm assuming they won't like me because I don't xyand z.
I have very low self esteem and it's not about my looks or size, it's damage done from years of bad relationships and hating myself when i look in the mirror.
So you're right, I do already write them off as I feel like they won't like me and I'd make a whole complex of myself of how I should change for them or not be good enough.
It is my own issue and probably why I don't know if I will ever date again or not.

But I think you're on the money!

Everyone, including me, has this from time to time sometimes it just sticks around and won't leave despite our best efforts.

 

[La Tomate]

I didn't say it was about hobbies either, but that is what the PP spoke about so that's what I was responding about.

Someone putting on their profile that they ski or hike doesn't mean they won't be with someone who doesn't (or hasn't tried). If someone does say "I want fit and athletic" that IS different than just putting up what they are into. In that case you know what? the other person may be missing out on a great person because they aren't more open. But what we (at least in my comments) was talking about was bypassing someone because you assume they won't want to be with you because of xyz.

I think we're agreeing on the same thing but coming at it from different angles. I don't ever list my hobbies like a shopping list *lol* perhaps I should though!!! Hahaha.

 

[disneychrista]

The part you bolded doesn't match your above comment. You saying "made you think they weren't a good fit" and "I am going to assume they want a partner who also does." is already talking about it like it won't work. That's where my comment came in and it's also from observing how you have spoken about things in this thread and others. If you're passing on guys in the offset without having a conversation or much of one because of assumptions and going on dates with the duds maybe change it up. You control that part. If it doesn't work it doesn't work but put bluntly but also without rude intent, what is going on now...doesn't seem to be working

How is saying if you meet someone in person, make a connection and then find out they may have a trait, hobby, interest you don’t making any type of assumptions? I’m saying when you first meet in person you don’t have the information to make such assumptions. Online you do. So when you meet the gym rat you get along really well with there is more of a chance it won’t make a difference.

Remember in most cases it is a two way street. If that guy was interested in you they could attempt contact as well.

We ALL make assumptions. It is easy to say give it a chance when you aren’t the one putting yourself out there.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

How is saying if you meet someone in person, make a connection and then find out they may have a trait, hobby, interest you don’t making any type of assumptions? I’m saying when you first meet in person you don’t have the information to make such assumptions. Online you do. So when you meet the gym rat you get along really well with there is more of a chance it won’t make a difference.

Remember in most cases it is a two way street. If that guy was interested in you they could attempt contact as well.

We ALL make assumptions. It is easy to say give it a chance when you aren’t the one putting yourself out there.

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying and was saying

I was saying that in both cases it's easy to make the assumption that whatever they say/show means they won't want to be with someone like you. Just because you're in person doesn't mean you suddenly clear everything up. But I suppose by your connection comment you see it as easier to ignore the other stuff in favor of the connection. Well if that's how you feel then apply that to the internet, allow the connection, if it occurs, to even get there, before thinking that gym rat thing IS going to make a big difference.

The two way street comment I don't even know where you're going with that respectfully, we're talking about you and several posters who said they bypass people based on assumptions on their profile. If someone doesn't reach out to you I wouldn't assume that they are doing exactly what you'd be doing but we weren't talking about other people reaching out to you, we were talking about what you (general you) can actively do and are actively doing. From the comments it was that the other person wasn't even really being contacted in favor of just swiping (or ignoring a match). I wouldn't use the "two-way street" phrase in this case.

You're right we all make assumptions, but no one was stating otherwise. People are saying be open or less reliant on assumptions for passing up on someone and they are coming from people who have had their own experiences, I wouldn't discount them just to say "It is easy to say give it a chance when you aren’t the one putting yourself out there". I have my own experiences with assumptions, I wouldn't be with my husband if I stuck with some of them one being his age as he is younger than me, not by a lot (a little over a year), not by anything that matters now but to my younger self age=maturity in my eyes and that just wasn't the case IRL as some of the guys I dated that were older (I had a 5 year older rule..I was a bit into age rules I suppose lol) were totally lost in the world, sweet guys but just lost.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Remember in most cases it is a two way street. If that guy was interested in you they could attempt contact as well.

You're right but when you use that a lot it becomes like the guy is a scapegoat here for why it didn't work out, why a missed opportunity (if I'm reading the other conversation correctly) happens. There really are some pieces of work out there unfortunately and you've probably had your fair share of them ( ) but if you didn't even reach out to someone why add that they didn't attempt to contact you, that turns the conversation to what someone else didn't do instead of what you did or didn't do

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I don't ever list my hobbies like a shopping list *lol* perhaps I should though!!! Hahaha.

Oh now that could get interesting for what people put on there!

 

[Scouter]

Oh now that could get interesting for what people put on there!

Sleeping.... eating.... drinking wine...... are they hobbies if they're something you do often and love?

Definition: an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.


Yup, mine are eating and drinking wine for sure. Sleeping I guess isn't really during leisure time.
Watching movies, walking the cat.
I'm pretty boring.
Oh! And the DIS boards! Is that a hobby?

 

[Rick195275]

Just want to say to a lot of the women on this thread, I think y’all are selling yourselves short. Most of you sound awesome and I would totally go out on blind date if geographically it was possible!
From my perspective hobbies do matter to a point but they definitely aren’t everything. I think peoples character and personality play a larger role though personally. I feel some of my best relationships we’re with people I didn’t have much in common with but our personalities gelled well and we had good balance.
And I can’t find the post to quote but for some anecdotal humor, the male perspective on crazy people dating. There are 2 that come to mind right away, the first being the woman who got fall down drunk on our second date and the proceeded to tell me how much I love her as I’m trying to help her walk to the car so I can get home. The night actually got exponentially worse from there! I got a random text 2 months later from an unknown number…. She was actually offended I had deleted her number The second one that comes to mind was the woman who I would say was a borderline stalker. We met by “random occurrence” at my work. Come to find out a couple months into dating she knew my mom, sister and a bunch of other close connections and never bothered to mention or acknowledge it. I found that to be really odd! Maybe not crazy but definitely was weird to me! The rest were more just the don’t know what they want crazy, or say they want 1 thing but in reality want the complete opposite crazy. I don’t think my experiences can compare to La tomate

 

[disneychrista]

But I suppose by your connection comment you see it as easier to ignore the other stuff in favor of the connection. Well if that's how you feel then apply that to the internet, allow the connection, if it occurs, to even get there, before thinking that gym rat thing IS going to make a big difference.

I think we are talking in circles on this topic and I think for the most part do in fact agree. As I said, when I am choosing to contact a person, I will look at what they list as a hobby/interest. SOME of those really DO make a difference in compatibility. Others don't. I have contacted (or had them contact me) two guys who have photo's of them on motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles AT ALL. But their interest of it does not affect whether we can make a connection on other things. But the guys who list things such as "420" as a hobby or say they occasionally or socially use drugs those are a hard NOPE, not giving you a chance sorry.

The two way street comment I don't even know where you're going with that respectfully, we're talking about you and several posters who said they bypass people based on assumptions on their profile. If someone doesn't reach out to you I wouldn't assume that they are doing exactly what you'd be doing but we weren't talking about other people reaching out to you, we were talking about what you (general you) can actively do and are actively doing. From the comments it was that the other person wasn't even really being contacted in favor of just swiping (or ignoring a match). I wouldn't use the "two-way street" phrase in this case.

All I meant is that unless it is an app or site that only allows the women to make first contact, if the guy saw my profile and was interested they could contact me. By doing so, even if it was someone I passed on because I thought we wouldn't be a match, I WOULD give them a chance because maybe I was wrong.

You're right we all make assumptions, but no one was stating otherwise. People are saying be open or less reliant on assumptions for passing up on someone and they are coming from people who have had their own experiences, I wouldn't discount them just to say "It is easy to say give it a chance when you aren’t the one putting yourself out there". I have my own experiences with assumptions, I wouldn't be with my husband if I stuck with some of them one being his age as he is younger than me, not by a lot (a little over a year), not by anything that matters now but to my younger self age=maturity in my eyes and that just wasn't the case IRL as some of the guys I dated that were older (I had a 5 year older rule..I was a bit into age rules I suppose lol) were totally lost in the world, sweet guys but just lost.

You are assuming that we are passing up on someone SOLELY because of assumptions. Somethings just led themselves to not be a good fit. I know at least I am not. There just needs to be something that I personally CONNECT with to make first contact. If I see a profile full of workout photos and the list of hobbies/interests all leaning toward things I have no interest I am not going to contact them. I am not going to go through and contact every guy on the app regardless of what I see, that would be foolish and a waste of time.

Yes some assumptions or dating rules really do need to be ignored/modified. The last guy I attempted to date before all this was significantly older than me and older than I would have considered dating. If I had just said NOPE you are more than 5 years older than me, I can't do it. I would have missed out on a few good times.

You're right but when you use that a lot it becomes like the guy is a scapegoat here for why it didn't work out, why a missed opportunity (if I'm reading the other conversation correctly) happens. There really are some pieces of work out there unfortunately and you've probably had your fair share of them ( ) but if you didn't even reach out to someone why add that they didn't attempt to contact you, that turns the conversation to what someone else didn't do instead of what you did or didn't do

Not using it as a scapegoat at all or saying well they didn't contact me so there you go, they aren't interested. Just meaning that if I saw a profile and didn't contact the person because I didn't think they were a match but they saw mine and did contact me that I would be open to exploring it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Sleeping.... eating.... drinking wine...... are they hobbies if they're something you do often and love?

Definition: an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.


Yup, mine are eating and drinking wine for sure. Sleeping I guess isn't really during leisure time.
Watching movies, walking the cat.
I'm pretty boring.
Oh! And the DIS boards! Is that a hobby?

See, I read this and think we could be soulmates. But then, I’m also a married woman so there might be a couple reasons things won’t work out between us.

 

[disneychrista]

The answer to, why shouldn't you pass on someone you dont see working, is that very often things can and do work with those very people. Love isnt a rigid list of boxes to tick.

You're the one who is frustrated with your experience. I was just presenting my viewpoint.

By all means, you do you.

I am frustrated by spending time getting to know guy and not having it work out. Either meeting for ONE date or none at all.


And of course I am going to "do me." It is who I am. I see no reason to not be who I am.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You are assuming that we are passing up on someone SOLELY because of assumptions. Somethings just led themselves to not be a good fit. I know at least I am not. There just needs to be something that I personally CONNECT with to make first contact. If I see a profile full of workout photos and the list of hobbies/interests all leaning toward things I have no interest I am not going to contact them. I am not going to go through and contact every guy on the app regardless of what I see, that would be foolish and a waste of time.

I said IF that's the reason you're passing on them. I'm not making any sort of stance that y'all are out there only using 1 qualifier. But to your comment I bolded that's exactly truly what I and others are talking about. By all means don't contact them, but as I said before if you're getting with the duds..maybe do something different. A waste of time could have been a good connection (which is part of what you've been looking for).

All I meant is that unless it is an app or site that only allows the women to make first contact, if the guy saw my profile and was interested they could contact me. By doing so, even if it was someone I passed on because I thought we wouldn't be a match, I WOULD give them a chance because maybe I was wrong.

Of course the other person can contact you, doesn't that go without saying? (aside from the apps that only allow women to make the first contact). That was my point. To make a very pointed comment that the guy can also contact you is just not what the conversation is about. I see what the other poster was saying. Even now you're saying if the guy had contacted you, then you would give them a chance because maybe you were wrong. You passed them up, that's your choice but you kinda side step that by making it about them being the ones who passed you up also since they didn't or that they could contact you too. I'm not trying to be curt here.

I think we are talking in circles on this topic and I think for the most part do in fact agree. As I said, when I am choosing to contact a person, I will look at what they list as a hobby/interest. SOME of those really DO make a difference in compatibility. Others don't. I have contacted (or had them contact me) two guys who have photo's of them on motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles AT ALL. But their interest of it does not affect whether we can make a connection on other things. But the guys who list things such as "420" as a hobby or say they occasionally or socially use drugs those are a hard NOPE, not giving you a chance sorry.

Weed-lovin' is a bit of a reach here when what we were talking about was you (general you) looking at hobby or interest and saying they couldn't possibly want to be with me. Even with the motorcycle example. If you had said "he's into motorcycles I'm not, there's no way this guy is going to make a connection with me, no way he's going to want to be with me if I don't also like motorcycles" that's what I was talking about. In your example of motorcycles you actually engaged in a conversation with the guys despite not liking motorcycles so I would count that as a good thing People aren't saying ignore all hobbies and interests in terms of what you look for in someone to potentially meet just don't not reach out because of them. And I feel like I have to clarify I'm not saying every interest, every hobby. I think the few of us talking about the subject were speaking more generally rather than our "no-ways" which weed sounds like it would be yours (and that's completely fair).

As far as talking in circles I always appreciate that you're willing to engage in conversations with people, but I don't know that we're talking in circles versus the advice or comments I give you don't feel are valuable to you or that you would listen to them or anyone else for that matter that presented a different viewpoint to your dating approach, and I sincerely apologize but that's the impression I get. An echo chamber we are not on the DIS that's for sure

 

[disneychrista]

As far as talking in circles I always appreciate that you're willing to engage in conversations with people, but I don't know that we're talking in circles versus the advice or comments I give you don't feel are valuable to you or that you would listen to them or anyone else for that matter that presented a different viewpoint to your dating approach, and I sincerely apologize but that's the impression I get. An echo chamber we are not on the DIS that's for sure

I always appreciate the advice and comments, even the ones I disagree with. It always makes me think and yes in some cases make me do something differently. I am very open to dating/chatting with guys that I don't think I have a lot in common and taking that chance. But when faced with a list of guys you can choose to contact, I think most are going to choose the ones they feel are best suited to you & your personality/life style. I think it would be rare for someone to say hey this guy has nothing in common with me and doesn't have any of the same interests or hobbies but let me contact them just for heck of it. Just not likely to happen. Of course that is just my opinion and maybe I am wrong (it does happen).

 

[disneychrista]

For those with experience. How common is it for others to give you there number to contact them before meeting in person? Do you exchange numbers with those you are chatting with before you meet in person?

Does this fall into the "give a chance" or "run screaming"?

 

[Rick195275]

For those with experience. How common is it for others to give you there number to contact them before meeting in person? Do you exchange numbers with those you are chatting with before you meet in person?

Does this fall into the "give a chance" or "run screaming"?

I think it’s pretty normal. In my experience we have usually exchanged numbers and have been texting through there rather than whatever dating app we started on.

 

[disneychrista]

I think it’s pretty normal. In my experience we have usually exchanged numbers and have been texting through there rather than whatever dating app we started on.

It seems most guys that wanted to meet have said "hey here's my number" I don't have an issue with it. But it seems like that is supposed to be one of the rules "stay on site, don't give your number out."