Online Dating

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I mean, if I’m on a first date with someone and I say “Tell me about your family” and they respond with the bolded, I wouldn’t think a thing of it. I also wouldn’t care if they responded with “Ugh, my family is a mess. I’d rather not.” Whatever they want to share about themselves is fine with me. That’s the point of a date after all — getting to know someone. I can get along with anyone on a superficial level but to know if we’re going to work as a couple, I’m going to need to know them on a deeper level. Politics, religion, messy family history, bring it on. If we’re not suitably matched, I’d rather know after the first date than the tenth.

Totally get where you're coming from and I actually wouldn't disagree with you. I think my follow up to Brian's comment is more what I'm trying to say:

If you want to tell someone something who am I to tell you you can't do that? I will however, depending on the subject, view that as oversharing.

I would agree with the point is to get to know someone. I think the conversation going on isn't about never discussing anything (although some details may just be way too personal like a miscarriage) but that your first date(s) may not be the ones to do it in and/or that may be viewed as oversharing. If you appreciate knowing right off the bat that you can't be in an inter-faith relationship or a relationship that has people of opposing political affiliations I can respect that, I think at least at this point most people try to wait a bit before getting there and instead generally discuss other things. Neither way is technically wrong by any means but nor do I see an issue with giving the advice to hold off either.

 

[BrianL]

Maybe the poster we’re referencing is a bad example of what you’re trying to express. I guess you missed the part about her therapist since I’m sure you wouldn’t glibly advise an Internet stranger to completely disregard the advice she’s apparently getting from a mental health professional that probably had good insight into her situation.

I wouldn't say disregard, but I do think that one can consider and disagree with a mental helath professional's assessment. As I am saying, and keep saying, the advice isn't universal. It would not apply to me for example. All I was ever tryin gto say is that oversharing is not so bad. That's it. I'm not trying to change the mind of people who don't like it, only trying to reassure those who do.

 

[BrianL]

OK, so for example, if someone asked about my mother and I told them the truth about how we haven't spoken in years for how she treated her mom and stole her furnance with her brother and that
a few of my ex's are dead (not my fault!) or that my last left me for a lady in a wheelchair........... while I think these are really funny stories and I like sharing them because people can't believe they're all true and make for interesting conversation, they probably are best saved for later conversations.
But normally I would tell anyone those stories, because I think they're pretty funny now! Not while they were happening of course.

Scouter, you sound awesome! Sorry for stirring everything up.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OK, so for example, if someone asked about my mother and I told them the truth about how we haven't spoken in years for how she treated her mom and stole her furnance with her brother and that
a few of my ex's are dead (not my fault!) or that my last left me for a lady in a wheelchair........... while I think these are really funny stories and I like sharing them because people can't believe they're all true and make for interesting conversation, they probably are best saved for later conversations.
But normally I would tell anyone those stories, because I think they're pretty funny now! Not while they were happening of course.

Ahh see I kinda get what the background advice is coming from. I think the advice your guy friends and therapist are coming from a place of kind-heartedness. I cannot actually speak with any sort of knowledge (since this is your personal situation and only you are privy to the conversations they've had with you) but I can see how that conversation about your family stuff distracts from getting to know you as a person and instead puts the focus right front and center dysfunctionality (or sheer unfortunateness with several of your exes being deceased) and that may just play into how perspective dates see you as a potential partner.

I'd have to say though I would personally find the comment about leaving you for a person in a wheelchair off-putting and nowhere near funny. In that sort of way, and please understand I'm speaking respectfully though bluntly, would make me think you have something against those with a disability or that you can't believe someone would leave you for someone in a wheelchair so while I may find that oversharing that may actually give me insight into things. And truly I don't know any other way to say it so I'm not actively trying to be insulting here but I can say I wouldn't appreciate that comment from a potential partner. You get sympathy for being left for someone else, it would be the added comment that would be a no-no for me.

 

[Scouter]

Scouter, you sound awesome! Sorry for stirring everything up.

See, I think it's funny, but might be oversharing.

 

[disneychrista]

See, I might do that too not thinking it would be sharing too much for some people.

Honestly if you share something that scares someone off that’s on them not on you. I strive to be 100% myself. People either like me or they don’t.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Scouter, you sound awesome! Sorry for stirring everything up.

You think a person is awesome for making an unnecessary comment about being left by someone in a wheelchair!?

Stories that are so incredulous that no one could believe them, yes that could make for an interesting person, as time went on and you got to know them. How could someone call someone else awesome when they make a comment, then say it's a funny story, about a person in a wheelchair

 

[Scouter]

Ahh see I kinda get what the background advice is coming from. I think the advice your guy friends and therapist are coming from a place of kind-heartedness. I cannot actually speak with any sort of knowledge (since this is your personal situation and only you are privy to the conversations they've had with you) but I can see how that conversation about your family stuff distracts from getting to know you as a person and instead puts the focus right front and center dysfunctionality (or sheer unfortunateness with several of your exes being deceased) and that may just play into how perspective dates see you as a potential partner.

I'd have to say though I would personally find the comment about leaving you for a person in a wheelchair off-putting and nowhere near funny. In that sort of way, and please understand I'm speaking respectfully though bluntly, would make me think you have something against those with a disability or that you can't believe someone would leave you for someone in a wheelchair so while I may find that oversharing that may actually give me insight into things. And truly I don't know any other way to say it so I'm not actively trying to be insulting here but I can say I wouldn't appreciate that comment from a potential partner. You get sympathy for being left for someone else, it would be the added comment that would be a no-no for me.

I get it, thanks!
I understand how it would sound like I was against disabled people. Which I'm not but I thought it made a funny story how it all happened. But then I'm warped.

 

[Scouter]

You think a person is awesome for making an unnecessary comment about being left by someone in a wheelchair!?

Stories that are so incredulous that no one could believe them, yes that could make for an interesting person, as time went on and you got to know them. How could someone call someone else awesome when they make a comment, then say it's a funny story, about a person in a wheelchair

Well, she actually was married and cheating with my BF while he was in one from surgery and then asked her husband for a divorce the week before he asked me to leave so really it's just about her.
The fact that she's in a wheelchair is just extra. I actually really like her the couple of years that I thought we were friends.
I am not against handicapped people.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Well, she actually was married and cheating with my BF while he was in one from surgery and then asked her husband for a divorce the week before he asked me to leave so really it's just about her.
The fact that she's in a wheelchair is just extra. I actually really like her the couple of years that I thought we were friends.
I am not against handicapped people.

That's reassuring I would leave out the comment about them being in a wheelchair if that's the case. It's not really about the situation anyways and to me doesn't make the story funny, the opposite really

 

[Scouter]

That's reassuring I would leave out the comment about them being in a wheelchair if that's the case. It's not really about the situation anyways and to me doesn't make the story funny, the opposite really

I will. But some people, not dates, actually do think it's funny. But I doubt they're against handicap people either. We mean no harm. But I get it.

 

[BrianL]

You think a person is awesome for making an unnecessary comment about being left by someone in a wheelchair!?

Stories that are so incredulous that no one could believe them, yes that could make for an interesting person, as time went on and you got to know them. How could someone call someone else awesome when they make a comment, then say it's a funny story, about a person in a wheelchair

I think she has clarified, but that wasn't necessarily the crux of the "funny story." I didn't take it to mean anything ableist or anything, just that the circumstances around it are funny. She also mentioned several deceased people - I don't think that was meant in a mean way. It's just a bit of a dark sense of humor, which is something I like. She sounds like someone fun to play Cards Against Humanity with. I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense, but that's what I meant by it.

 

[Scouter]

I think she has clarified, but that wasn't necessarily the crux of the "funny story." I didn't take it to mean anything ableist or anything, just that the circumstances around it are funny. She also mentioned several deceased people - I don't think that was meant in a mean way. It's just a bit of a dark sense of humor, which is something I like. She sounds like someone fun to play Cards Against Humanity with. I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense, but that's what I meant by it.

Yes! Dark humor, that's me! Never played that game but I would love to!

 

[BrianL]

Yes! Dark humor, that's me! Never played that game but I would love to!

Ha ha - I bet you'd like it. It can be pretty messed up - I mean really messed up if you're playing with a "good" group!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I will. But some people, not dates, actually do think it's funny. But I doubt they're against handicap people either. We mean no harm. But I get it.

To clarify at least me it's not that I just assume you have an issue with those with a disability. I just find calling attention to the fact that the woman was in a wheelchair serves what purpose? What about that detail makes you look better for having been left for a person in one? It's not a detail I would latch onto. And I wouldn't be shy about saying that to people around me if they found that funny. I would say "what is funny about that?" It in a way reinforces behaviors that are not socially acceptable as time has gone on; we don't make light, jokes or in some way disparage those with disabilities (these days at least). On the one hand I respect your right to feel that way, that your dark humor is what it is. But it wouldn't be dark humor to me in this case.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I think she has clarified, but that wasn't necessarily the crux of the "funny story." I didn't take it to mean anything ableist or anything, just that the circumstances around it are funny. She also mentioned several deceased people - I don't think that was meant in a mean way. It's just a bit of a dark sense of humor, which is something I like. She sounds like someone fun to play Cards Against Humanity with. I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense, but that's what I meant by it.

You said the person was awesome before they clarified.

I'm aware of Cards Against Humanity and I know a lot of people who would make some very interesting combos, the difference is the combos don't make it into normal conversation where you can really gauge how someone feels. There are some things that are still very cringe-worthy in that game but you're working with (except for the blank cards) pre-written things. The other things the person was talking about was all on their own, I hope that makes sense.

 

[fla4fun]

Personally, I don’t necessarily think the issue is about what is shared, but when. On a first date there is a lot of ground to cover, without having to get into topics that could be painful or embarrassing or controversial. On first dates I want to learn about the other person in general, things like their sense of humor, hobbies, careers, general interests, etc. That is a lot to take in if you haven’t had the opportunity to talk much before your date. There is plenty of time for more in depth discussions if both parties are interested enough for a second date. I have never had an issue with coming up with enough conversation on a first date, and I haven’t had any regrets that I spilled the family secrets too soon either.

 

[BrianL]

You said the person was awesome before they clarified.

I'm aware of Cards Against Humanity and I know a lot of people who would make some very interesting combos, the difference is the combos don't make it into normal conversation where you can really gauge how someone feels. There are some things that are still very cringe-worthy in that game but you're working with (except for the blank cards) pre-written things. The other things the person was talking about was all on their own, I hope that makes sense.

As I said, I didn't take it that way. I read it as that she had a funny story about that situation, not that that specific element was funny. The poster confirmed that was the case. Yeah, maybe it wasn't perfectly stated, but like I said, I didn't take it that way. I simply meant that I appreciate that stories that don't seem funny on the surface can still be - that "dark sense of humor" as has been mentioned. That's all I meant.

 

[Scouter]

As I said, I didn't take it that way. I read it as that she had a funny story about that situation, not that that specific element was funny. The poster confirmed that was the case. Yeah, maybe it wasn't perfectly stated, but like I said, I didn't take it that way. I simply meant that I appreciate that stories that don't seem funny on the surface can still be - that "dark sense of humor" as has been mentioned. That's all I meant.

Maybe I should add that to any dating profile so when someone meets me they'll understand my humor from the start and I won't have to pretend I'm not like that.

 

[BrianL]

Maybe I should add that to any dating profile so when someone meets me they'll understand my humor from the start and I won't have to pretend I'm not like that.

You shouldn't have to pretend at all. Clearly maybe I'm wrong about that, but to my mind you shouldn't.