OK, let's talk about dealing with differing parenting styles with our friends! (m)

[bajanswife]

The main one that has been coming up with my friend and neighbour C is how she deals with her 3.5 yo DS, J. J can throw some pretty big tantrums over what seems like small things. He's also a very "fussy" boy - fusses a lot when he doesn't get his own way.

Problem: when our kids are playing together, J is always "tired and fussy" and needs to have his way, according to C. e.g. We'll be at C's house and my DS L (5) will pick up a toy that J hasn't even touched for the whole afternoon, and suddenly J will want it, and totally melt down if L doesn't give it to him! So of course what does C do? She asks L "please give it to J, he's tired and fussy". WTH??? What kind of example does that set either child??! I can understand if very occasionally she wants to make allowances for J if he's really not himself - but this has been going on too long to be occasional! My DD is the same age as J and I do not let her get away with anything like this! I don't care if she dissolves into tears - she can come and sit on my lap and be comforted, but if it isn't her turn, it isn't her turn!

So what do I do? Many times L has turned to me with big, hurt, teary eyes because C has unfairly made him give up his turn with something b/c of J's fussiness. I like C, and I like her 5 yo A - I just cannot stand the way she spoils J! I have tried making subtle, "by the way" comments when it's happening, but she just makes excuses for him and won't do anything different. I have taken my kids home when J got really bad, b/c it's just not fair on them.

Any thoughts? How do we resolve this? Is it time for a heart to heart with C when the kids are otherwise occupied? If so, what do i say? I do not want to offend! I am realy bad with conflict, can ya tell?

 

[becka]

IMHO I would not say anything just because I have come to discover that it seems like these conversations are always a bad idea and do nothing but ruin friendships and cause hard feelings. If you value C's friendship then I would perhaps just keep doing what you are doing by leaving if there gets to be a problem and/or visiting them less often. Either C will get the hint or not.

People get VERY defensive when you criticize their parenting. Just look at some of the posts on this board. I know I tend to get defensive as well even when I really try to be objective.

Good Luck!

 

[poohandwendy]

In my experience, the egg timer is the best solution for 'sharing' problems. Equal time for all involved. If the 'fussy' one still wants to fight over it, the toy gets put away if we are at my house, if not I would say something along the lines of "Maybe today isn't a good day to visit, looks like J needs a nap".

 

[MomofKatie]

That's a hard one to solve...

I have the same problem with my SIL. Her kids are, apparantly, angels who can do no wrong, but my DD gets reprimanded for everything. I grit my teeth and repeat the mantra, "I shouldn't make waves, I shouldn't make waves". It really irks me that she thinks my DD is spoiled as an only child, but her 3 are immune to the same thing. But, we don't have to deal w/the problem often- they live 600 miles away, and the kids don't play together much. So I grin and bear it- anything for family tranquility!

I guess the thing to do is sit down and have a conversation with your friend about the kids playtime- but not in the heat of the moment. Set aside some other time to discuss it. Be calm and non-judgemental, and approach the problem as a "how can we work together to solve this" situation.

If you do this, and things don't change, I'd consider declining invitations to play with a simple, "No thanks- I think the kids might not get much out of it" excuse.

 

[holycow]

Tell your son to pick up 2 toys and see which one J wants and then play with the other....or when DS wants to play with something have him ask J's mom is this ok to play with...then when J melts down it will be back on her...she said he could play with it.

I for one would probably find someone else to play with/.

Holycow

 

[bajanswife]

I know what you mean Becka, and I usually hesitate to bring up this stuff with other moms. But C is really big on "if anything is bothering you let's talk about it", and she doesn't hesitate to discuss things that bother her about anything I might have done. So I'm thinking she might not be offended by the fact that I want to talk about it, since it's bothering me ... but she may get defensive very quickly, as you say. So if I do talk about this I have to be very careful with my words.

OTOH .. J might grow out of this in a while and things might improve on their own. Or not ... I really think she's "training" him to behave this way. It gets him results, so why would he stop?

 

[powellrj]

That road runs both ways, I am sure that she could offer you some advice on how she feels you could handle your children. How would you feel about that? I would keep my feelings to myself if she is someone you really want to maintain a friendship with. At 5 most kids understand whats up.

 

[RobinMarie]

Could you try suggesting the kids play together when they are feeling up to it and not 'tired and fussy'? You could launch an explanation on how your child is feeling and the aftermath of it all. Maybe this will help her realize how often she is excusing her child for being T&F.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I would say something along the lines of "Maybe today isn't a good day to visit, looks like J needs a nap".

I agree with this. When she says J is tired and fussy, say maybe you should get together when he is feeling better, then go home. I bet after this happens a few times the excuse would stop.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with Becka on this one. I think your friend would be highly offended if you confronted her about her parenting style.

I have a 5 year old who tends to break down when she doesn't get her way. It's exhausting. Even my 4 year old has learned that sometimes it is easier just to give in to her sister than cause a huge issue out of something she doesn't really care about.

That being said, I work really hard to show DD5 other ways to deal with her disappointment other than breaking down. I try to show her how to use her words, how to take turns (the egg timer really does work), how to play together with something. Maybe next time you see this situation happening, you can step in and give the kids another way to deal with their problem, instead of letting the other mother control the situation. The child may work better with you than with her own mother, and if the outcome is good, it could open up a dialogue with the other mother where you could offer some suggestions.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[auntpolly]

If you say something just be prepared to lose the friendship.It happened to me.

There was a really nice woman that I was friends with when DD was 4. Loved her - hated her kid! I loved spending time with her, but she was alays inviting us over - we'd have coffee and my DD and her DS (we'll call him Jack) age 3 were supposed to play. DD started having a fit every time I said we were going over there. She said Jack was mean to her, pushed her down, took her toys, etc. etc. It was weird; I'd never heard her complain like that. So I started watching them play and saw what a really aggressive kid he was.

Long story short, I thought the Mom and I were good enough friends that we could talk about it. But I was wrong - she never called me again!!!

 

[bajanswife]

In truth, I feel more comfortable stepping in and dealing with other people's kids at my house, but not at theirs - when J is at home the toys are "his", KWIM? At my house none are his and he (and C) can't claim that something is his "favourite" (which she does at times). I actually don't have a problem with J when he's been at my house without his mom - he only behaves ridiculously when she is around.

I also hate to drag my kids home after 15 mins, which is what would happen if we left when J kicked up a fuss. My kids get so upset. Perhaps I should ask them what they'd rather do - deal with J's fussiness and having to give him his own way, or leave. They'd probably choose to stay, and maybe then they'd be more prepared to deal with J's issues if they were expecting it. That way I'd say nothing to C.

 

[Beth76]

Outgrowing this behavior is unlikely, so I wouldn't bank on that. I also wouldn't bank on talking with the mom about it. If the kid's "tired and fussy" he shouldn't be playing with friends. If she's going to use that excuse all the time, that's the perfect time for you to say, "well, we should leave so he can take a nap. We'll come back when he's not so tired." If it's been 15 minutes, oh well. That sucks, but it also sucks to have to deal with a child like that. Do you want your child learning that that's a way to get what you want?

And yes, at his house the toys are his. But, he still should be able to share. Don't you make your son share his toys with company? If this kid continues to act like this, he's not going to have any friends. By you staying at his house and giving up that toy let's the kid and the mom know that you tolerate that behavior. If you leave everytime it happens she *might* realize that you're not happy with the situation.

 

[sha_lyn]

Say something. If it hurts her feelings, oh well, she isn't worth it. It is up to you to take up for your children and their feelings. I can't understand all the posters who suggest putting a friendship above your child's feelings.

 

[Keli]

I think leaving after 15 minutes is the point. It will let 'C' know that she can't let 'J' by with acting this way without reprocussions. I'm sure 'J' won't be thrilled that his playmates are leaving so quickly and he might just straighten up on his own so that you guys won't leave next time. In the interest of perserving your friendship with 'C' you should invite her over to your home a little more often when you are leaving hers so quickly so that she won't feel as if you don't want to spend time with her.

 

[golfgal]

I had similar issues with friends when our oldest was 2/3 years old. We would play at their house/our house it didn't make much difference, the pattern was the same, the kids would be playing, her DD would start screaming that my DS took her toy, DS would get in trouble and off they would go until one day I was tired of my DS being the bad guy all the time because he really didn't act like that with other kids. I watched the kids play very carefully and saw what really happened. DS would have a toy and this friend would come and take it away, DS would simply grab it back (they were 3 at the time) and this girl would start screaming that DS took 'her' toy when DS had it first. I watched this same behavior over the next few play dates and finally said something to the mom. Never played with them again. In the long run, DS was happier, I was happier because every play date ended up the same way, me getting on DS for "taking" toys from other kids and neither of us were happy. The little girl never got in trouble for taking toys from other kids.

 

[auntpolly]

Say something. If it hurts her feelings, oh well, she isn't worth it. It is up to you to take up for your children and their feelings. I can't understand all the posters who suggest putting a friendship above your child's feelings.

Personally that's not what I meant - but if I still wanted to be friends I would have needed to handle it another way. I think it might have been better off just trying to schedule time with my friend without the kids.

If she noticed what I was doing and brought it up, then I'd have to be honest, but I guess I was just naiive to think you could have a conversation like that with a mom, no matter how gently you try to do it.

 

[DawnCt1]

Could you try suggesting the kids play together when they are feeling up to it and not 'tired and fussy'? You could launch an explanation on how your child is feeling and the aftermath of it all. Maybe this will help her realize how often she is excusing her child for being T&F.

I agree with this. I would "strike first". At the first indication that J is going to get his way because he is "tired and fussy", I would say, "Oh, I see J is really tired and fussy and it isn't a good day for him to play" and promptly take your children home. If the Mom doesn't get it, J will.....eventually. He will have he toy and no one to play with.

 

[4greatboys]

I agree she probably wont take it well if you say something about little "J". I have a very good friend, we have been friends for many years and I dont like to be around her kids. Her youngest is the worst, has to have all the toys, doesnt like to share, is mean, tells other kids to do mean things...you get the picture. I just spend time with her without the kids or if we do get together with the kids its going out to eat where there really isnt much playing going on anyway. The only time I cant avoid the kids are b-day parties but quiet honestly there are usually quite a few other kids around and my kids play with some of the other kids.
I think its just best to avoid having the kids together. If caters to him like that she is not going to change her ways, or his, for you or anyone else.

 

[ktink]

I agree with this. I would "strike first". At the first indication that J is going to get his way because he is "tired and fussy", I would say, "Oh, I see J is really tired and fussy and it isn't a good day for him to play" and promptly take your children home. If the Mom doesn't get it, J will.....eventually. He will have he toy and no one to play with.

I agree. If C wants to have friendships she may need to decide it's time to make j share and be civil to other children. It sounds to me like you're not able to enjoy yourself when you're over there anyhow. If you don't see an improvement after a couple of 15 mins trips then I would just not visit anymore. Talk on the phone if you still want C as a friend.