Not taking teen on planned WDW trip as punishment to harsh?

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tiff211

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My 13DD soon to be 14 has had problems in school with behavior since forever. Now she goes to the boys and girls club afterschool and gets in trouble there as well. Last year she got kicked out the the "gifted" program due to her behavior. She has even been suspended for it. Nothing extreme, talks all through class, passes notes, doesn't listen to the teacher, etc, getting caught with things she shouldn't have(gameboy, candy. etc) swearing. So, it's enough to frustrate the teachers and frustrate me. She always has to be told to do everything at home which I know is normal for that age range.

We have a trip scheduled for the week of 4/16 to WDW. On Tuesday, I pick her up and she tells me non chalantly that the Asst. Principal wants me to call him and she can't go back to school until I do. The most frustrating part is that she always blames someone else, another student, a friend, the teacher. She never does wrong. So when I ask her why she is in trouble she tells me, the teacher exaggerated and she did more than she did. Anyway, the next day there was no school. So, yesterday I left her home and called the school, the Asst. never returned my call. Last night I am venting to my Husband (her step-father and a teacher) and he says they can't legally tell her she can't come back to school with giving you written documentation and letting you know why. SO, this morning, I wake her up and ask her to tell me exactly what she was told. She mumbles something and proceeds to go to her room and return with a note stating she has been suspended until I return to the school with her. It says, she has been told repeatedly to stop talking in class, stop passing notes and candy and to pay attention. It also says she has had numerous detentions (none of which I knew about), had her seat moved and talked to several times. The only thing she says in her defense is that it was a mint, not candy. I flipped and that's when I told her she was going to be spending April vacation with her dad instead of going with us.

I wrote all that to ask if that is too harsh a punishment? I am at my wits end but have mixed feeling about her mssing the family trip. I also have two younger dd's 2 and 4 also! Now, I also feel like I have to put up or shut up!
 
You said it, you need to follow through.

(And I don't think its too harsh.)
 

I can totally relate to what you are going through!!! We have just taken EXTREME measures her with our 13 (almost 14 yr old) daughter ourselves. We also have a planned trip to WDW the same week and have been told we should not take her. Unfortunately, I have nobody to watch her and don't want to disappoint her sisters, my husband and I and my MIL who is coming with us. WE may just have to cancel the entire trip!!! It will be sad but she will have to live with the consequences.

Get tough.................stay tough.....................do what you feel is right!!!
 
but stick to you guns. She may start to behave just to go on the trip and the behavior thats getting her into trouble will only start once you get back. Don't waffle. Once you make the decision to keep her home, STICK TO IT.

Good for you. You are teaching her that there are consequences for her actions. I applaude your decision. Going to Disney is a priviledge. It should be earned and from what you have posted she hasn't earned it yet.
 
Harsh or not, it's too late now. You have to follow through with it or she'll never take you seriously.

And for the record, I don't think it's too harsh. But something needs to be done to stop her behavior from continuting. You've got the punishment for what she's done in the past covered, now what are you going to do to help her improve?

Edited to add: May I also recommend a book to read while you're there? It's called Parenting With Love and Logic. I can't recommend this highly enough.
 
I agree that you need to follow through with what you told her and no It's not too harsh. Maybe now she'll realize that you are serious and she'll straighten up.
 
It will only be a punishment if she's really been wanting to go... I've made the mistake of "misreading" my son..

I've got/had teenage boys - so I know where you're coming from... but maybe .. just maybe what she needs it the attention you could give her at Disney... just Mom/Daughter time. I know with my youngest son (15) he CRAVES Dad time.. and time with his older brother... (he gets enough time with me... we homeschool.. he gets sick of me... haha)

So maybe a day .. or 1/2 a day with her at her favorite park might go a long way in developing a more peaceful relationship with her... :confused3

It's really just a suggestion - but to look at it from another perspective...
 
I agree with the others. Now that you have told her what her punishment is, you have to stick to it. It is tough to deny our children things we really want to give them. It will be especially tough since she has a month to work on you. If you back down this time how will you ever have credability in the future? It would be OK to let her you are sincerely sorry that she is not going, but keep in mind you have two younger children who will be watching this all play out. You and your husband need to have a united front. Kids need to accept there are consequences for their actions. This may not be the place to say it but it is only a trip to Disney. OK time to get off my soapbox.
GOOD LUCK
 
So this has been going on for a while? Has she been evaluated by a counselor? Could be ADHD, depression, who knows. I know she may not seem depressed, but if she gets in trouble ALL THE TIME and doesn't care, that could be it. Sounds like she needs more help than she's getting.

My DD exhibits these behaviors at times. It turned out that she has LDs and would act this way when she's really stressed.
 
All morning I have been saying to myself "how horrible you are to leave her behind" and "maybe I am being to hard on her" After reading all the posts, I feel better about my decision and don't feel like such a monster!! Thanks for great advice! Hopefully this will be the kick in the pants she needs!! I love this board!
 
Dancind said:
So this has been going on for a while? Has she been evaluated by a counselor? Could be ADHD, depression, who knows. I know she may not seem depressed, but if she gets in trouble ALL THE TIME and doesn't care, that could be it. Sounds like she needs more help than she's getting.

This is good advice. I think you should demand time with a counselor through the school but you might want to get her some individual help as well. It is really hard to make such judgments based on this one post though.

Ali
 
I agree with the others, you really need to stick with your word. My SIL several years in a row told my nephew that due to his behavior he was not going to get Christmas presents. She (with encouragement from my brother) always caved. Now when they tell him they are going to do something he just laughs.
 
I don't think you're being too harsh. Is your DD looking forward to going to WDW? If not, she not care that much.
I have a 14 DD who doesn't like WDW as much as we do. I think she was switched at birth! :rotfl: If I told her she wasn't going as a punishment I don't think she would mind much.

Good luck!
 
Deifnitely follow through. I had no consequences as a child and I look back at stuff I did and plenty of times I was in situations that were life threatening (in a car with someone who was drinking stuff like that). I was too young to understand the real consequences and thought everythning I did was no big deal and people needed to calm down. I was older than your daughter too when I started acting out (15). So nip it in the butt now or she will be out of control later on.

Thankfully I am ok and am a responsible adult now but I know first hand what not giving consequences sets her up for. Maybe if you are harsh now she won't be so harsh later.

Also I don't think it is too harsh. SHe has to learn to respect authority and if she won't you will have to teach her to through consequences. A boss would not give her so many chances when she is older.

God I sound like a parent! What happeened LOL?
 
Dancind said:
So this has been going on for a while? Has she been evaluated by a counselor? Could be ADHD, depression, who knows. I know she may not seem depressed, but if she gets in trouble ALL THE TIME and doesn't care, that could be it. Sounds like she needs more help than she's getting.


I called a counselor and he wanted to just see me and my husband. He said based on what we told him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with her to merit counseling, we needed to give her harsher punishments and stick to them. She just loves to be the center of attention and is so resilent that punishment doesn't phase her. No tv, oh well, I'll just read a book. I also have her grandparents spoiling her, with them she can do no wrong and it must be my fault. She knows that if I don't get it for her, just ask grandpa and he will. I have put my foot down with that. I told her , I can't stop him from buying things for you, you don't deserve but I can stop what comes in my house. I threw away a couple of cd's he bought for her after she had gotten in trouble.

Did I mention she makes honor roll every quarter?
 
tiff211 said:
Did I mention she makes honor roll every quarter?

She makes the honor roll? I'd say she is definetly doing it for attention.
Maybe the best thing is to leave her home.
 
I feel for you! It's hard to comment without knowing the whole situation, but it sounds like more is going on here than whether she goes to WDW or not. Sounds like there's a great deal more stress going on in her young mind (and yours!) than just a trip. She's been acting out for a long time for other reasons. To her, this is probably just one more thing that's screwed up. I agree that professional help is a good idea.

If it was my daughter? I'd dump the trip and seek help immediately. Go to your family physician or school and get a refferal. Spend the money from your trip on a better cause and tell her she's important to you. Some things in life are worth sacrificing for - especially a child.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

DisFlan
 
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