I agree with the majority here: If you said it, you must follow through on it. If not, she will never believe you again when you say, "Your punishment is ___." If it helps, my parents once said the same thing to us; several kids in my large family were lagging behind in the grade department, and they took only 2 of us to Disney. It DID make an impression on the 3 who stayed behind, and they did improve their grades, though it was too late for the trip.
How does her dad feel about having her that week? In essence, you're saying to him, "Here, I dealt her this punishment -- now you enforce it." Much depends upon how he will handle it. If he will make sure she's staying home every evening, etc., then she will be miserable knowing that the rest of you are riding coasters and having fun. On the other hand, I've heard of all too many divorced parents who try to be the "good parent"; if he takes her out to dinner a couple times, buys her new skates, and treats her and her friends to an afternoon at the movies, then her "punishment" will have meant nothing. If she's a typical teen who clings to her friends above all things family, it might even be a reward.
I have one suggestion -- something that has worked for me when I used to teach this age group. In his book Taming the Homework Hassel, John Rosemond makes a suggestion for a teacher-parent check-off sheet designed to keep kids in line. Though homework isn't your child's specific problem, I suggest that you read the book; the concepts easily generalize to behavior problems. He suggests that the teacher and parent TOGETHER make up a list of things that the child is expected to do each day. They make a grid with a check-off spot for each behavior for each day of the week. The student is given a stack of papers, and the student is responsible for presenting the paper to the teacher within the last five minutes of class each day. The teacher takes 30 seconds to check off and sign "yes" or "no" to each behavior (perhaps it might be 1. brought all materials to class, 2. refrained from inappropriate communication with others, 3. treated teacher and classmates respectfully -- whatever seems appropriate for YOUR DAUGHTER -- this sheet has to be made individually for every student.) There is not a spot for "maybe" -- either she did these things for the entire 55 minute class period, or she did not. No checks for Tuesday's class? It's the same as a "no". Each day (or each Friday, if you want to do it week-by-week instead of day-by-day), the student receives either reward or punishment at home based upon what happend in school that day (TV and phone use, access to the internet, or permission to go out on the weekend, for example, can be based upon the number of checks received at school that week).
Benefits: The parent receives day-by-day feedback from the teacher, the teacher is not burdened by lengthy communication requirements, and the responsibility falls where it should: upon the shoulders of the student. When I've worked with parents who enforced the rewards/punishments at home, this method has worked amazingly well for me.
Even once you get the behavior in check, I think you should still look into the cause. She herself may not really know why she's acting this way. Divorce has a very long-lasting effect on kids, especially girls (I'd know -- I was a child of divorce, and I know how it affected the 5 of us), but there may be more as well.
Three last comments:
You're not only doing this for your oldest DD; you're doing it for the two younger ones. If you allow one child to continue in this behavior, what do you think the others will be like in a few years? They could easily follow her example -- or worse.
Keep a strong eye out for drugs and alcohol; children who are rebellious in some ways are often rebellious in this way as well. Even good kids are drawn into these things, and you can never say, "My child couldn't be doing it because ____." Be watchful and let her know where you stand on these issues.
Finally, this age seems to be the worst for girls. They have such attitudes, they're unappreciative . . . but they outgrow it. 13-14 is all rolling eyes and exasperation with their stupid parents, but 15 is considerably more mature, and 16 is downright nice. 17 and 18s, though they still have their bad moments, are young adults. The point: there's hope in sight, but stick to your guns; it will be a while before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
How does her dad feel about having her that week? In essence, you're saying to him, "Here, I dealt her this punishment -- now you enforce it." Much depends upon how he will handle it. If he will make sure she's staying home every evening, etc., then she will be miserable knowing that the rest of you are riding coasters and having fun. On the other hand, I've heard of all too many divorced parents who try to be the "good parent"; if he takes her out to dinner a couple times, buys her new skates, and treats her and her friends to an afternoon at the movies, then her "punishment" will have meant nothing. If she's a typical teen who clings to her friends above all things family, it might even be a reward.
I have one suggestion -- something that has worked for me when I used to teach this age group. In his book Taming the Homework Hassel, John Rosemond makes a suggestion for a teacher-parent check-off sheet designed to keep kids in line. Though homework isn't your child's specific problem, I suggest that you read the book; the concepts easily generalize to behavior problems. He suggests that the teacher and parent TOGETHER make up a list of things that the child is expected to do each day. They make a grid with a check-off spot for each behavior for each day of the week. The student is given a stack of papers, and the student is responsible for presenting the paper to the teacher within the last five minutes of class each day. The teacher takes 30 seconds to check off and sign "yes" or "no" to each behavior (perhaps it might be 1. brought all materials to class, 2. refrained from inappropriate communication with others, 3. treated teacher and classmates respectfully -- whatever seems appropriate for YOUR DAUGHTER -- this sheet has to be made individually for every student.) There is not a spot for "maybe" -- either she did these things for the entire 55 minute class period, or she did not. No checks for Tuesday's class? It's the same as a "no". Each day (or each Friday, if you want to do it week-by-week instead of day-by-day), the student receives either reward or punishment at home based upon what happend in school that day (TV and phone use, access to the internet, or permission to go out on the weekend, for example, can be based upon the number of checks received at school that week).
Benefits: The parent receives day-by-day feedback from the teacher, the teacher is not burdened by lengthy communication requirements, and the responsibility falls where it should: upon the shoulders of the student. When I've worked with parents who enforced the rewards/punishments at home, this method has worked amazingly well for me.
Even once you get the behavior in check, I think you should still look into the cause. She herself may not really know why she's acting this way. Divorce has a very long-lasting effect on kids, especially girls (I'd know -- I was a child of divorce, and I know how it affected the 5 of us), but there may be more as well.
Three last comments:
You're not only doing this for your oldest DD; you're doing it for the two younger ones. If you allow one child to continue in this behavior, what do you think the others will be like in a few years? They could easily follow her example -- or worse.
Keep a strong eye out for drugs and alcohol; children who are rebellious in some ways are often rebellious in this way as well. Even good kids are drawn into these things, and you can never say, "My child couldn't be doing it because ____." Be watchful and let her know where you stand on these issues.
Finally, this age seems to be the worst for girls. They have such attitudes, they're unappreciative . . . but they outgrow it. 13-14 is all rolling eyes and exasperation with their stupid parents, but 15 is considerably more mature, and 16 is downright nice. 17 and 18s, though they still have their bad moments, are young adults. The point: there's hope in sight, but stick to your guns; it will be a while before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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