CindysFriend
I’m just somebody that you used to know…
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2001
- Messages
- 112
...but here goes! I'm coming out of lurkdom to post this. 
Background: I've been married to DH for 9 years; we've been together for 12 years. This part is important: WHEN WE FIRST MET, we talked about all kinds of things, of course, and one of the things he told me was that he was not sure whether or not he was the father of a child of a woman he was friends with in high school. Again, I have to repeat, he told me this 12 years ago.
Ok...so the story goes something like this: He's in his senior year of high school and one night he and a female friend had sex. One time. They remained friends. A few months later it turns out that she's pregnant. He asks her if there's ANY WAY that the child is his. She tells him that she got her period after the one time they had sex, so there is no way that the child is his. She tells him that she's going to marry Jim Doe, and that the child is Jim's. (Names made up, obviously. lol). A little more background that is basically inconsequential, but she already had a child, who was living with it's father and grandmother at the time, so this girl apparently was very fertile!
Ok, cut to 9 years later (and at this point I still have not met DH). DH receives a phone call at work from the female friend. Let's call her Carrie. Carrie says that she did indeed marry Jim Doe, and that they had the child that she was pregnant with at their high school graduation, and they went on to have 2 more children. Recently they had gotten a divorce, and Jim Doe insisted on having paternity tests done on the 3 children. It turned out that Jim Doe was NOT the father of the child that was conceived before they were married. She tells DH that DH HAS TO BE THE FATHER, since she was only with DH and Jim Doe. DH tells her that he's very interested in this and they meet that evening at a restaurant.
Carrie shows up at the restaurant that evening with her boyfriend (who she eventually married), and a picture of the 9 yr old boy. DH tells Carrie that he's absolutely interested in this child, and asks her what should they do next? He tells her that his sister works in a lab at a hospital and can draw their blood and conduct the test for no charge, or they can go to her doctor, whatever she wants to do, he'll do. Carrie tells DH that a blood test is a good idea, and she'll contact him soon.
She never contacts him again. He waits to hear from her. He, unfortunately did not get her phone number that evening. He had no doubt that evening that he'd hear from her again, and soon. A few months later he starts trying to contact people that he knew might know her whereabouts. Her former SIL (the sister of Jim Doe) tells John that she doesn't know where Carrie is, has no contact info, and that the child isn't his; this SIL tells DH that the child is not his and that Carrie had gone around to a few different guys telling them the same story (that THEY were the father). DH is a little disappointed. But he figures that since Carrie did not get back to him, apparently the former SIL is telling the truth.
A few months later, DH moves out of state. However, he never forgot about what Carrie told him, but he felt hopeful that if the child was HIS, that since his father still lives in the same house, with the same phone number that he had when they were in high school, that there'd always be a way for her to find him. To this day, my FIL still lives in that house, with the same listed phone number.
Ok, so 12 years ago DH tells me the above story. My first question was "Why didn't you do more to try and find out the truth??" He said that he initially kept thinking that Carrie was going to call him back regarding having the DNA test done, but time went by, and then when he did try to find Carrie, the former SIL told him that the reason why Carrie didn't contact him a second time was because the child was not his, so he didn't think there was any valid reason to keep trying to find her. That's his answer; it is what it is.
All these years, ever since hearing that story, I swear I kept waiting for a knock on the door, a phone call, something.... from someone claiming to be DH's child.
Well, it happened last weekend!!!
DH and I went away for the weekend and when we got back Sunday night there was a somewhat strange message for him at Classmates.com. I won't say exactly what the young man wrote, but it indicated that the young man thinks that DH KNOWS that he is his son, and he also says that he spoke on the phone to him 10 years ago! DH and I have had the same phone number for all 12 years, and I know for a fact that DH has never received a phone call from Carrie or a young man claiming to be his son. There's no way that DH would've hid it from me because, first of all, he had already told me this story years before and he knew I was more than fine with it, and secondly, DH would actually be HAPPY to find out that he has a biological child (My DS and DD are his stepchildren, but he treats them as his own
).
So now we have no idea what this poor young man means when he says that he "spoke 10 years ago on the phone" to DH. He also never comes out and says "You might be my father/I might be your son", it's worded a little strangely, like I said, as if this young man assumes that DH is already aware of his existance and knows that he has a son. None of which is true! All these years, DH thought there was no way that the child she was pregnant with, was his.
So, DH immediately upgraded to the Gold level or whatever its called on Classmates.com so that he could send an email to him. That was Sunday, and we've been waiting ever since for a phone call or email. Finally last night, and then again tonight, DH did some searching and researching on the internet and found his MySpace page, and also found that one of his friends on MySpace was another woman he went to high school with. So DH created a MySpace page for himself so that he could leave a message on that site, and he also sent a message to the friend, asking for contact info.
So that's where we are now. Not totally surprised to hear from someone indicating they might be his child, but still somewhat in shock, mainly because this poor kid apparently has been under the misapprehension that his biological father is out there in the world fully aware of his existence, but not making any effort to be in contact with him! We both feel awful for this kid!!!! (Not a kid exactly, he's 25 now). We're really hoping that we hear from him, or the woman friend, soon.
Oh, and yes, DH will invite the young man to where we live (it seems from his profile that he lives in a different state now) to have a blood test to confirm, but according to the few pictures we could see on MySpace, I definitely see a resemblance! I don't gamble, but if I had to bet, I'd say there's a good chance it is DH's son.
*whew* This is a lot to type out!
Anyway, we have no idea what his mother has told him all these years, we don't know who on earth he could've spoken to 10 years ago (or who his mother told him he was speaking to, since he would've been 15 at that time), or what he's thinking. I just feel very badly for the fact that a child grew up not knowing who his father was, and now there's a young man who thinks he has a father who doesn't care enough to contact him all these years, when it couldn't be further from the truth.
A few things we know for sure: We will not say a single negative thing about his mother, even though I hate the fact she was able to contact DH 15 years ago and yet she never followed through with contacting him again; and we will welcome this poor guy with open hearts and arms. Both the young man AND my DH have been robbed of knowing each other all these years. My DH didn't suffer, per se, because he never knew the child was really his, but the poor kid had to have suffered. Imagine being told when you're 9 years old that the man you think is your father isn't, and then growing up with no contact with the man who actually is??
I know that some people will probably still place blame on my DH, and to a very, very small degree I can see that; but as a mother myself, if I were in that position, I'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure that my child knew who their father was and to try and develop whatever kind of relationship between them that I could. I feel like DH is a small victim in this because she physically had the child with her all these years and had the capability of making contact, while DH only had a random phone call from her 9 years after the last time he saw her, no follow up call, and a friend (the SIL) who told him it had all been a lie.
Why am I sharing this here on the DIS? I don't know. Maybe there are other people, men/fathers or women/mothers who have either been through something like this before, or know someone who has.
I'm not asking for advice or anything, just basically telling this story because I think there may be a lesson here. What it is exactly, I'm not sure. That may remain to be seen.
Thanks for reading, I know this is long...
Background: I've been married to DH for 9 years; we've been together for 12 years. This part is important: WHEN WE FIRST MET, we talked about all kinds of things, of course, and one of the things he told me was that he was not sure whether or not he was the father of a child of a woman he was friends with in high school. Again, I have to repeat, he told me this 12 years ago.
Ok...so the story goes something like this: He's in his senior year of high school and one night he and a female friend had sex. One time. They remained friends. A few months later it turns out that she's pregnant. He asks her if there's ANY WAY that the child is his. She tells him that she got her period after the one time they had sex, so there is no way that the child is his. She tells him that she's going to marry Jim Doe, and that the child is Jim's. (Names made up, obviously. lol). A little more background that is basically inconsequential, but she already had a child, who was living with it's father and grandmother at the time, so this girl apparently was very fertile!
Ok, cut to 9 years later (and at this point I still have not met DH). DH receives a phone call at work from the female friend. Let's call her Carrie. Carrie says that she did indeed marry Jim Doe, and that they had the child that she was pregnant with at their high school graduation, and they went on to have 2 more children. Recently they had gotten a divorce, and Jim Doe insisted on having paternity tests done on the 3 children. It turned out that Jim Doe was NOT the father of the child that was conceived before they were married. She tells DH that DH HAS TO BE THE FATHER, since she was only with DH and Jim Doe. DH tells her that he's very interested in this and they meet that evening at a restaurant.
Carrie shows up at the restaurant that evening with her boyfriend (who she eventually married), and a picture of the 9 yr old boy. DH tells Carrie that he's absolutely interested in this child, and asks her what should they do next? He tells her that his sister works in a lab at a hospital and can draw their blood and conduct the test for no charge, or they can go to her doctor, whatever she wants to do, he'll do. Carrie tells DH that a blood test is a good idea, and she'll contact him soon.
She never contacts him again. He waits to hear from her. He, unfortunately did not get her phone number that evening. He had no doubt that evening that he'd hear from her again, and soon. A few months later he starts trying to contact people that he knew might know her whereabouts. Her former SIL (the sister of Jim Doe) tells John that she doesn't know where Carrie is, has no contact info, and that the child isn't his; this SIL tells DH that the child is not his and that Carrie had gone around to a few different guys telling them the same story (that THEY were the father). DH is a little disappointed. But he figures that since Carrie did not get back to him, apparently the former SIL is telling the truth.
A few months later, DH moves out of state. However, he never forgot about what Carrie told him, but he felt hopeful that if the child was HIS, that since his father still lives in the same house, with the same phone number that he had when they were in high school, that there'd always be a way for her to find him. To this day, my FIL still lives in that house, with the same listed phone number.
Ok, so 12 years ago DH tells me the above story. My first question was "Why didn't you do more to try and find out the truth??" He said that he initially kept thinking that Carrie was going to call him back regarding having the DNA test done, but time went by, and then when he did try to find Carrie, the former SIL told him that the reason why Carrie didn't contact him a second time was because the child was not his, so he didn't think there was any valid reason to keep trying to find her. That's his answer; it is what it is.
All these years, ever since hearing that story, I swear I kept waiting for a knock on the door, a phone call, something.... from someone claiming to be DH's child.
Well, it happened last weekend!!!
DH and I went away for the weekend and when we got back Sunday night there was a somewhat strange message for him at Classmates.com. I won't say exactly what the young man wrote, but it indicated that the young man thinks that DH KNOWS that he is his son, and he also says that he spoke on the phone to him 10 years ago! DH and I have had the same phone number for all 12 years, and I know for a fact that DH has never received a phone call from Carrie or a young man claiming to be his son. There's no way that DH would've hid it from me because, first of all, he had already told me this story years before and he knew I was more than fine with it, and secondly, DH would actually be HAPPY to find out that he has a biological child (My DS and DD are his stepchildren, but he treats them as his own
). So now we have no idea what this poor young man means when he says that he "spoke 10 years ago on the phone" to DH. He also never comes out and says "You might be my father/I might be your son", it's worded a little strangely, like I said, as if this young man assumes that DH is already aware of his existance and knows that he has a son. None of which is true! All these years, DH thought there was no way that the child she was pregnant with, was his.
So, DH immediately upgraded to the Gold level or whatever its called on Classmates.com so that he could send an email to him. That was Sunday, and we've been waiting ever since for a phone call or email. Finally last night, and then again tonight, DH did some searching and researching on the internet and found his MySpace page, and also found that one of his friends on MySpace was another woman he went to high school with. So DH created a MySpace page for himself so that he could leave a message on that site, and he also sent a message to the friend, asking for contact info.
So that's where we are now. Not totally surprised to hear from someone indicating they might be his child, but still somewhat in shock, mainly because this poor kid apparently has been under the misapprehension that his biological father is out there in the world fully aware of his existence, but not making any effort to be in contact with him! We both feel awful for this kid!!!! (Not a kid exactly, he's 25 now). We're really hoping that we hear from him, or the woman friend, soon.
Oh, and yes, DH will invite the young man to where we live (it seems from his profile that he lives in a different state now) to have a blood test to confirm, but according to the few pictures we could see on MySpace, I definitely see a resemblance! I don't gamble, but if I had to bet, I'd say there's a good chance it is DH's son.
*whew* This is a lot to type out!
Anyway, we have no idea what his mother has told him all these years, we don't know who on earth he could've spoken to 10 years ago (or who his mother told him he was speaking to, since he would've been 15 at that time), or what he's thinking. I just feel very badly for the fact that a child grew up not knowing who his father was, and now there's a young man who thinks he has a father who doesn't care enough to contact him all these years, when it couldn't be further from the truth.
A few things we know for sure: We will not say a single negative thing about his mother, even though I hate the fact she was able to contact DH 15 years ago and yet she never followed through with contacting him again; and we will welcome this poor guy with open hearts and arms. Both the young man AND my DH have been robbed of knowing each other all these years. My DH didn't suffer, per se, because he never knew the child was really his, but the poor kid had to have suffered. Imagine being told when you're 9 years old that the man you think is your father isn't, and then growing up with no contact with the man who actually is??
I know that some people will probably still place blame on my DH, and to a very, very small degree I can see that; but as a mother myself, if I were in that position, I'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure that my child knew who their father was and to try and develop whatever kind of relationship between them that I could. I feel like DH is a small victim in this because she physically had the child with her all these years and had the capability of making contact, while DH only had a random phone call from her 9 years after the last time he saw her, no follow up call, and a friend (the SIL) who told him it had all been a lie.
Why am I sharing this here on the DIS? I don't know. Maybe there are other people, men/fathers or women/mothers who have either been through something like this before, or know someone who has.
I'm not asking for advice or anything, just basically telling this story because I think there may be a lesson here. What it is exactly, I'm not sure. That may remain to be seen.
Thanks for reading, I know this is long...
