Not Sure Why I'm Sharing This... *Yet Another UPDATE Post #93*

[kristen821]

very interesting story, I hope it works out for you guys. Keep us updated. I'm interested on the outcome.

 

["Got Disney"]

very interesting story, I hope it works out for you guys. Keep us updated. I'm interested on the outcome.

I concur.......good luck...for all of you.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

Wow, that sounds like something straight out of a movie.

I totally agree that DH should have gotten Carrie's number, I think that her not giving it to him might have been a hint that she wasn't going to call.

I'd still be alittle weary of the kid being your Dh's son. Now that he found other men that Carrie slept with, his odds of being the father are less. Also, you may just think the child looks like DH because you want it to be true, your mind can play tricks on you sometimes.


Also, have you confirmed that Carrie is this kid's mother? You just mentioned where he lives but you never mentioned if you knew Carrie was the mother



Best of luck with everything

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think there is a good chance that there are more possible fathers out there, besides your DH and the mom's ex-dh. I would try to keep your DH from getting to excited about having a son coming into his life, until the DNA test confirms it. The mom has proved she is not trustworthy.

I'd be wary of the situation. Not getting a phone number from either the mom in times past or the boy/man during this more current contact is strange. I think it could be the mom contacting your DH, playing mind games like she has in the past. Sadly, there are people in the world like this.

The next time the boy/man contacts your DH have him ask for his phone number.

I hope it all works out for the best. Please keep us posted.

 

[Carly_Roach]

First of all: What is past cannot be changed no matter how much you try. It might be explained, it might be reviewed, but it cannot be changed and there's nothing you can do about it. That's the first thing you and/or your DH needs to internalize.

Secondly: It sounds to me as if your DH has done all he can to resolve the situation. It takes two people to make a relationship, therefore if the mother was not interested or didn't want to be inconvenienced, your DH can't be faulted for not trying. She was the one bringing the accusations, not him. The burden of proof lies on her.

I know it's a difficult thing to do, but perhaps the best thing for your DH to do is let the young man know that he's available to meet, or to email, or do lab tests, etc. But then let it go. The young man has to make the next step if he wants a familial relationship.

It sounds as if your DH is willing to participate in a relationship with this total stranger, however he shouldn't be the one to constantly be chasing a stranger based on a story (that could be made up out of wholecloth). I think healthy skepticism is warranted here: especially if the one night stand lady turns out to be someone looking to sue for 20 years of back child support.

 

[CindysFriend]

To make a long story short, all day yesterday DH and I did all that we could to research online, to find a phone number or valid address or the young man (I'm going to call him Shawn), or his mother Carrie.

We found Shawn's FACEBOOK page, and since we were not a friend on there, we were only able to see his "friends". Well DH immediately recognised one of the friend's names as a woman he also went to high school with, and it had her location as the same town they lived in. DH looked up that name (fortunately it contained her maiden AND married name), and we got her phone number!

I offered to call. I called "Jane" and explained the situation. Jane was very, very nice, and very, very willing to help. Jane said that she hadn't spoken to Carrie in years apparently because Carrie no longer wanted contact with her. But Jane had recently been corresponding with Shawn via FaceBook. (Oh, and as soon as I saw Shawn's Facebook page I immediately sent him a friend request!). Everything that she told us, her memory of the events from high school forward, exactly matched the story that DH had been remembering and telling me all these years. Jane then also sent Shawn a message on Facebook, letting him know that we contacted her, looking for him.

Well less than an hour later, I got the message that Shawn accepted my Facebook friend request and he said he was very glad that we contacting him! He said that he didn't know if he was (initially) making a fool out of himself by trying to contact DH, and wasn't even sure if he was contacting the correct (my DHs name), when he sent that message on Classmates.com.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling here... but we were able to see even more pictures of Shawn on his Facebook page and we definitely see a resemblence. My DS thinks the resemblence is there too, although my DD doesn't see it at all. I guess it's true when they see that different people see different traits when they look at others.

While I logged into my Facebook page, an instant message from Shawn popped up! I actually had not know until then that you could chat via Facebook. lol

The poor guy was quite shaken by all of this. He didn't anticipate actually making real contact with DH. He was hoping for it, but didn't let himself think it would actually work. We chatted a bit online, then DH and I decided it'd probably be best to speak on the phone. We asked him if he could call us, or if he preferred that we call him (we didn't know his phone/long distance situation). He said that he would call us a little later because he was still a bit in shock. Quite understandable! lol

A little while later another instant message from Shawn popped up and he asked for our phone number again. I gave it to him and he said he'd call. We waited and waited and waited for the phone to ring....

I came back down to my desk to make sure that I hadn't missed another instant message from him, where he might've said that he couldn't call, but there was no message. Yikes...I was starting to getting nervous....

Then finally the phone rang and it was him!! DH was very nervous, so I answered the phone and talked to Shawn for a little while, first. It seemed fine to do this because it was he and I who had just chatted on Facebook (DH doesn't have a Facebook page yet).

Shawn sounded great! He definitely sounded slightly in shock. lol We made small talk at first, and both admitted this was overwhelming. We then started talking a little more serious. I said something like this to him "Shawn, I know you must have a million questions. And we don't know what your personal experience has been or what you've been told or not told. We also have our own experience with this, and what we've been told and not told. We will answer any and ALL questions you have, and we have no desire to do any of this with negativity for anyone involved." I then told him the story as it had been told to ME, and he basically said that it's mainly the same story he had been told, but we found out that some of the info that DH had been given from former SIL was not correct. I said some more, but I can't remember exactly. His response was awesome. He said "I'm 25 years old, I understand how things in the world work. They were both young. My mother can be extremely secretive and there are a lot of things that even I don't know. I'm not looking to blame anyone for anything".

And we went from there. We talked on the phone for quite a long time. I keep saying "we" because at first I talked to Shawn, sort of as the ice breaker and I wanted Shawn to feel comfortable talking to "strangers" before putting DH on the phone. Shawn seems like such a nice, very mature young man. He has had a very rough life. I don't want to say too much here, even though none of you probably know him, but he seems like a tough, hard-working, sincere person who's been having to take care of himself since he was 17 years old. Ironically, DH had been having to do the same exact thing since he was 17, too.

So then DH got on the phone and they talked more and more. It was so cute, at one point, Shawn asked DH if he was Irish. At that moment it really struck me more; Shawn didn't know that he WAS Irish! Or anything at all, about half of the genes in his own body.

Anyway, we asked Shawn if he had work tomorrow (meaning today, Sunday) and he said he did have work, otherwise DH and I would've been making a road trip today! LOL We did a Mapquest and he's about 3 1/2 hours away in another state. Shawn and DH both want a DNA test, just to settle things once and for all. Then NOBODY can ever tell DH that he doesn't have a son, and Shawn will never again have to wonder who his father is, or where he is, etc.


I read DH my original post, and your replies, and he appreciates all of the good thoughts and wishes, as do I.

We will absolutely proceed with caution, and we've even discussed certain details of our own personal lives, between the two of us, that we feel we will divulge to Shawn but only when we feel it's right and once we're comfortable with sharing such things with someone we've basically just met (personal things such as finances, the future, etc, etc). But your replies have definitely been the basis for us discussing these issues, so this thread has already served a purpose.

We realize that Shawn is already an adult with most of his morals and beliefs already firmly in place, and we respect that. We have no prior experience with "finding" a family member, so we will have to remember to take it one step at a time and proceed with caution, but without overly restraining the excitement that we already have.

We are so hoping that the DNA test confirms what we expect it will, and once that happens, we will see what the future brings for all of us. We're going into this with our eyes wide open, but I think even more importantly, with our hearts wide open.

As appropriate, I will try and update this thread, if anyone is interested.

Thank you for letting me share with all of you, because of the nature of this subject and the fact that we still don't know 100%, we've only shared this with 1 other family member so far. Once we know for sure, then we'll share it with the others. In the meantime, you DISers are the only hearers of this story!



P.S. Oh Geesh, almost forgot to add some details that Shawn gave us! Ok, first of all, he said his mother was NOT married to Jim Doe. They lived together but never got married. His mother did go on to have 1 more child, a son, but not with Jim Doe, but rather someone else. So Shawn has an older brother (that I mentioned at the very beginning) and a younger brother that he was raised with. Shawn's mother is NOW married, and has been married, to a different guy, but they never had any kids together. Apparently the stepfather told Carrie that she was going to adopt Shawn, and THAT IS THE REASON she never contacted him again! Carrie's DH did not want any "interference" from DH, in the raising of Shawn. OK, let's not even go on to the issue that both Shawn and DH had the freaking RIGHT TO KNOW that they were father and son!

Shawn is at peace with what has happened in his life, and we will have to be, too. You can't go back in time. We're going to go on from this point, and be there for Shawn in whatever capacity he'd like us to be. And yes, I do say "we" an awful lot but that's because DH and I are a unit; we've raised MY two children (and my children have a wonderful father that has ALWAYS been a part of their lives) together, and we will both be parents/friends/whatever to Shawn, if that's what he wants.

Oh, and Shawn told us that right before he called us last night he called his mom and she is very, very happy to find out that we/Shawn are now in contact. From all we've heard, she had a very, very rough life, too. We're not going to look back with blame at this point; it would serve no purpose.


Once again, I know this is long, but thanks for reading!

 

[Tina]

Wow! It sounds like you may be on the road to a great relationship with this possible new-found family member. Coming from someone who has never met her own father, your story brought tears to my eyes.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

Wow! I hope your meeting is great for all involved, and I hope you get the result you're all hoping for from the blood test!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

your story brought tears to my eyes.

Me too, and it sounds like you, your DH, and Shawn are all wise enough and loving enough to make the very best of th relationships you're embarking on!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

best of luck with everything


Just remember, you still aren't sure that Shawn is DH's kid.

 

[chell]

Glad you got in touch with him yesterday. I hope things continue to go well and you get to meet soon.

 

[OceanAnnie]

To make a long story short, all day yesterday DH and I did all that we could to research online, to find a phone number or valid address or the young man (I'm going to call him Shawn), or his mother Carrie.

We found Shawn's FACEBOOK page, and since we were not a friend on there, we were only able to see his "friends". Well DH immediately recognised one of the friend's names as a woman he also went to high school with, and it had her location as the same town they lived in. DH looked up that name (fortunately it contained her maiden AND married name), and we got her phone number!

I offered to call. I called "Jane" and explained the situation. Jane was very, very nice, and very, very willing to help. Jane said that she hadn't spoken to Carrie in years apparently because Carrie no longer wanted contact with her. But Jane had recently been corresponding with Shawn via FaceBook. (Oh, and as soon as I saw Shawn's Facebook page I immediately sent him a friend request!). Everything that she told us, her memory of the events from high school forward, exactly matched the story that DH had been remembering and telling me all these years. Jane then also sent Shawn a message on Facebook, letting him know that we contacted her, looking for him.

Well less than an hour later, I got the message that Shawn accepted my Facebook friend request and he said he was very glad that we contacting him! He said that he didn't know if he was (initially) making a fool out of himself by trying to contact DH, and wasn't even sure if he was contacting the correct (my DHs name), when he sent that message on Classmates.com.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling here... but we were able to see even more pictures of Shawn on his Facebook page and we definitely see a resemblence. My DS thinks the resemblence is there too, although my DD doesn't see it at all. I guess it's true when they see that different people see different traits when they look at others.

While I logged into my Facebook page, an instant message from Shawn popped up! I actually had not know until then that you could chat via Facebook. lol

The poor guy was quite shaken by all of this. He didn't anticipate actually making real contact with DH. He was hoping for it, but didn't let himself think it would actually work. We chatted a bit online, then DH and I decided it'd probably be best to speak on the phone. We asked him if he could call us, or if he preferred that we call him (we didn't know his phone/long distance situation). He said that he would call us a little later because he was still a bit in shock. Quite understandable! lol

A little while later another instant message from Shawn popped up and he asked for our phone number again. I gave it to him and he said he'd call. We waited and waited and waited for the phone to ring....

I came back down to my desk to make sure that I hadn't missed another instant message from him, where he might've said that he couldn't call, but there was no message. Yikes...I was starting to getting nervous....

Then finally the phone rang and it was him!! DH was very nervous, so I answered the phone and talked to Shawn for a little while, first. It seemed fine to do this because it was he and I who had just chatted on Facebook (DH doesn't have a Facebook page yet).

Shawn sounded great! He definitely sounded slightly in shock. lol We made small talk at first, and both admitted this was overwhelming. We then started talking a little more serious. I said something like this to him "Shawn, I know you must have a million questions. And we don't know what your personal experience has been or what you've been told or not told. We also have our own experience with this, and what we've been told and not told. We will answer any and ALL questions you have, and we have no desire to do any of this with negativity for anyone involved." I then told him the story as it had been told to ME, and he basically said that it's mainly the same story he had been told, but we found out that some of the info that DH had been given from former SIL was not correct. I said some more, but I can't remember exactly. His response was awesome. He said "I'm 25 years old, I understand how things in the world work. They were both young. My mother can be extremely secretive and there are a lot of things that even I don't know. I'm not looking to blame anyone for anything".

And we went from there. We talked on the phone for quite a long time. I keep saying "we" because at first I talked to Shawn, sort of as the ice breaker and I wanted Shawn to feel comfortable talking to "strangers" before putting DH on the phone. Shawn seems like such a nice, very mature young man. He has had a very rough life. I don't want to say too much here, even though none of you probably know him, but he seems like a tough, hard-working, sincere person who's been having to take care of himself since he was 17 years old. Ironically, DH had been having to do the same exact thing since he was 17, too.

So then DH got on the phone and they talked more and more. It was so cute, at one point, Shawn asked DH if he was Irish. At that moment it really struck me more; Shawn didn't know that he WAS Irish! Or anything at all, about half of the genes in his own body.

Anyway, we asked Shawn if he had work tomorrow (meaning today, Sunday) and he said he did have work, otherwise DH and I would've been making a road trip today! LOL We did a Mapquest and he's about 3 1/2 hours away in another state. Shawn and DH both want a DNA test, just to settle things once and for all. Then NOBODY can ever tell DH that he doesn't have a son, and Shawn will never again have to wonder who his father is, or where he is, etc.


I read DH my original post, and your replies, and he appreciates all of the good thoughts and wishes, as do I.

We will absolutely proceed with caution, and we've even discussed certain details of our own personal lives, between the two of us, that we feel we will divulge to Shawn but only when we feel it's right and once we're comfortable with sharing such things with someone we've basically just met (personal things such as finances, the future, etc, etc). But your replies have definitely been the basis for us discussing these issues, so this thread has already served a purpose.

We realize that Shawn is already an adult with most of his morals and beliefs already firmly in place, and we respect that. We have no prior experience with "finding" a family member, so we will have to remember to take it one step at a time and proceed with caution, but without overly restraining the excitement that we already have.

We are so hoping that the DNA test confirms what we expect it will, and once that happens, we will see what the future brings for all of us. We're going into this with our eyes wide open, but I think even more importantly, with our hearts wide open.

As appropriate, I will try and update this thread, if anyone is interested.

Thank you for letting me share with all of you, because of the nature of this subject and the fact that we still don't know 100%, we've only shared this with 1 other family member so far. Once we know for sure, then we'll share it with the others. In the meantime, you DISers are the only hearers of this story!



P.S. Oh Geesh, almost forgot to add some details that Shawn gave us! Ok, first of all, he said his mother was NOT married to Jim Doe. They lived together but never got married. His mother did go on to have 1 more child, a son, but not with Jim Doe, but rather someone else. So Shawn has an older brother (that I mentioned at the very beginning) and a younger brother that he was raised with. Shawn's mother is NOW married, and has been married, to a different guy, but they never had any kids together. Apparently the stepfather told Carrie that she was going to adopt Shawn, and THAT IS THE REASON she never contacted him again! Carrie's DH did not want any "interference" from DH, in the raising of Shawn. OK, let's not even go on to the issue that both Shawn and DH had the freaking RIGHT TO KNOW that they were father and son!

Shawn is at peace with what has happened in his life, and we will have to be, too. You can't go back in time. We're going to go on from this point, and be there for Shawn in whatever capacity he'd like us to be. And yes, I do say "we" an awful lot but that's because DH and I are a unit; we've raised MY two children (and my children have a wonderful father that has ALWAYS been a part of their lives) together, and we will both be parents/friends/whatever to Shawn, if that's what he wants.

Oh, and Shawn told us that right before he called us last night he called his mom and she is very, very happy to find out that we/Shawn are now in contact. From all we've heard, she had a very, very rough life, too. We're not going to look back with blame at this point; it would serve no purpose.


Once again, I know this is long, but thanks for reading!

Thank you for the update! What a turn of events! I have a big lump in my throat. It sounds like a happy ending in the making. I'm a sucker for happy endings.

 

[dislal]

This is for you and your DH. Whatever the outcome of the test, you are doing the right thing.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

I must tell, you have the most wonderful attitude in the difficult situation! I certainly wish you and your family the best of luck.

 

[lizanne]

If this boy turns out to be your husband's son, I think he is one very lucky person.

You and your DH sound like very loving, open minded and fair people. I hope that this turns out they way you'd like.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I wish you and your DH the best of luck as you begin this relationship. Hopefully everything will turn out wonderfully!

 

[Nancy for Disney]

Sounds like all parties involved are handling everything extremely well. I am very impressed. Best of luck and do keep us all posted.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Wow! It sounds like you may be on the road to a great relationship with this possible new-found family member. Coming from someone who has never met her own father, your story brought tears to my eyes.

Me too.. happy tears... Best of luck going forward!! Keep us posted

 

[CindysFriend]

Just wanted to post a minor update.

After not hearing back from our doctor's office yesterday, today DH ordered a paternity test kit from a web site. His sister works for a large university hospital and told him which online labs were accredited.

It's two test kits; one will be sent here to DH and the other will be sent directly to Shawn. They'll each do a pin-prick blood test and return it to the lab in the pre-paid envelope. Within a few days of the lab receiving the samples, DH will be notified of the results.

This method of doing a paternity test is not considered "legal" but the web sites all say that if you only need to know for your own sake, then you don't need to do through the other steps required to make the results admissible in court. Those steps would include DH and Shawn having to go to a lab and be photographed and IDed and have people document that the samples DID come from them while they were there in person.

Since there's no way for Shawn to "cheat" on this test, and we don't need the results for court, we're doing it this way. DH paid the extra fee so that the kits will be Overnighted to them. They should each receive their kits on Thursday. Hopefully Shawn will mail his right back on Friday, and then we should know some time next week.

The lab said that they notify the person who is paying for the test, of the results. That means that DH will be notified, then he'll tell Shawn the results. We're hoping to have the results by next Friday, because we'd take a trip to where he lives to give him the good news in person on that Saturday. Well, we're assuming it'll be good news!

I'll be sure to post back with the results, and thanks again everyone for the good wishes.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

Thanks for the update. Best of luck!!