Not invited to neighbor's party - advice please!

[ols386]

Really people, do you think that reaming the OP (the way she is assumed to have chewed out the neighbor in a moment of anger and frustration) is going to be helpful here????

No one assumed that the op chewed out the neighbor, she said in her very first post that she chewed him out.

 

[Allison]

Have to chime in. While I personally wouldn't have said anything to the neighbor, I kind of applaud OP for calling out people for rude and hurtful behavior.

Did they HAVE to invite her family or kids? Certainly not. Should they have? Well if they were halfway caring decent people, I think they should have.

I have neighbors that are far more than halfway caring decent people and we aren't invited to their parties. I find measuring the worth of a person based on an invitation to a neighbor rather odd.

 

[focusondisney]

Maybe the OP reached her limit and it was totally out of character. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. To me, the way she described the scenario I think she saw the relationship in a different light than what it actually was. She was hurt, lashed out, regrets it. To me, that's forgivable.

Well, she has had ample opportunity to tell us if this was "out of character" for her. She did say she "let" the first incident go (not invited to birthday party). Nice of her. I also don't think she said she "regrets" complaining to the neighbor.

I think I'll give the neighbor the benefit of the doubt. I think they know who they want at their own parties & who they shouldn't invite.

 

[HappyFingers]

i dont even know who my neighbours are

been living next to them for 12 years

i say dont invite them

 

[RitaZ.]

What's done is done. You invited them. Now let the chips fall where they may.

I understand your feelings. Inviting every one of your neighbors but you was sending you a message. Right or wrong, they now know their message was received.

In the long run, you both probably just want peace. Be cordial. Hopefully they will be too. Hope it all works out.

ITA.

OP, it happens. I'm sure your feelings were hurt, but it was wrong to ambush your neighbor that way. You can't force people to do what you think they should do. My advice is that you should reconsider your approach of confronting the person in such an aggressive manner because you won't get the desired results.

No doubt that your relationship with them will be awkward from now on. Like I said, it happens. Just be cordial and civil toward them. Good luck.

 

[Hillbeans]

I remember last summer I posted that a group of female neighbors went out for happy hour and excluded me....and it was really hurtful since it always seems to be my yard where their kids come to play after school.
My DH was away for work and I guess maybe they assumed I couldn't get a sitter, but it hurt me more than usual because I think I was so lonely and would have really loved an invite out for an evening.

OP - I have had this conversation with my DH about the neighbors and it took me awhile to realize it, but we are more neighbors than friends and i'm ok with that now. I think the mom/dad were wrong to send over their daughter and other party-goers to your house to play but exclude you from their party. I think yelling to the husband about it was wrong but what's done is done and you were upset. Now the chips will fall where they may.

 

[Disney Doll]

If one of my neighbors ever came to me and yelled at me for not inviting them to my house, it would be the last time we ever spoke. That neighbor would cease to exist for me.

NO ONE tells me what to do in MY house.

OP, you were incredibly rude to berate your neighbor. There is no further discussion than that, IMHO. You can try to apologize but don't be surprised if they wash their hands of you. If they do come to this party you've invited them to, consider yourself very lucky.

 

[AndreaDM]

If the neighbors start chatting and word of the OP's behavior gets out, I'll be surprised if anyone shows up for the party on July 2. Way out of line IMHO.

We have parties and gatherings and invite totally different groups of people, and sometimes I don't even ask my BFF of almost 20 years and she's never chewed me out.

 

[charming23]

I think yelling at the husband was out of line. I can't imagine going to yell at a neighbor because our family was not invited to a party. There have been many occassions where neighbors have not invited us, nor have we invited them. It is just the way things happen. In fact last night my neighbors had a cookout for their son in law who is retiring. We know the son in law well, his wife babysat me when my mom worked, but were not invited and that is okay. I do not expect to be invited to everything nor do our neighbors expect us to invite them to everything.

 

[kellyg403]

If the neighbors start chatting and word of the OP's behavior gets out, I'll be surprised if anyone shows up for the party on July 2. Way out of line IMHO.

We have parties and gatherings and invite totally different groups of people, and sometimes I don't even ask my BFF of almost 20 years and she's never chewed me out.

This. When we have parties, BBQ's or friends over, we always make sure we try to invite people who get along and want to be together. We all have that one 'friend' that can be miserable no matter what. I have never once had anyone in my neighborhood yell/chew me out for it nor have I given that type of treatment to anyone. I have a neighbor on one side, we watch each other's house when we are away, attend 'sales' parties, drop off cookies at Christmas time. We stop and speak and have conversations. We like each other but I have never been invited to one of her gatherings and visa versa. We even have kids in the same grades and it never even passed thru my radar I was being excluded or how to present the exclusion to the kids. My other neighbor, well we enjoy BBQ's together from to time, sitting out on the porch etc. She has gatherings and so do I that do not include each other.

OP, honestly..I have no advise. I would wager to guess that you won't be invited to any of this neighbors parties for some time. I really think they won't be coming to any of yours. If you had approached my dh in this manner regarding a party on my property, there wouldn't be a moment I would forget your behavior. Nor would I invite you to anything else. I would forever be wondering what irrational behavior would come next..really and honestly I would. As for the kids, if they play together it doesn't mean parents do things together. Some of the kids parents I get along with really well. Some I really thinnk of as acquiatances..no more no less. And honestly, I let my kids play with other kids whose parents I am not real fond of. So what Joe rubs me the wrong way because he is childish..has nothing to do with the kids.

Good luck..I hope it works out. Being unfriendly with neighbors always is crappy.

Kelly

 

[aprilgail2]

You actually marched up to the man and chewed him out because you were not invited to his party? Oh my! That is terribly rude. He is not obligated to invite you anywhere. So what? Your kids play together. You are lucky he is polite. ...and put in that situation what did you expect him to say? "we really don't care for you, but I am polite because our kids are friends?" Goodness! Considering you haven't even issued invitations fro a party that is 2 weeks away on a holiday weekend, I would skip the party altogether.

If one of my neighbors ever came to me and yelled at me for not inviting them to my house, it would be the last time we ever spoke. That neighbor would cease to exist for me.

NO ONE tells me what to do in MY house.

OP, you were incredibly rude to berate your neighbor. There is no further discussion than that, IMHO. You can try to apologize but don't be surprised if they wash their hands of you. If they do come to this party you've invited them to, consider yourself very lucky.

I agree- how rude she was to yell/whine about not being invited to a neighbors party- I love my neighbors and generally we all invite each other to things but there are sometimes when I am having family/friends over and only invite one neighbor- sure hope the others don't band together and yell at me next time!!

If the neighbors start chatting and word of the OP's behavior gets out, I'll be surprised if anyone shows up for the party on July 2. Way out of line IMHO.
.

I agree-- I am sure this little "episode" is up and down the block already and the ones that come out looking petty and nuts in this is the OP.

 

[Andy B]

Hello everyone,
Last week we decided to throw a party on July 2nd. I've been working through a list of friends either calling or emailing including my two sets of neighbors. One set is right next to us: we can each see comings and goings of each other, the husband is very friendly and comes over to chat all the time, and the youngest daughter is at our house a LOT to play with my daughter. So, last night they throw a big party! Our other neighbors are invited...we see them there, and our kids ask why we aren't invited too...So, I'm mad. This is the same family that did not invite my daughter to a birthday party when they played together every day. I bit my tongue and life went on. Well, I am fed up now. I marched over to the husband this morning and chewed him out. He said it wasn't his fault, it was his wife's idea. I told him to snub the kids is inexcusable. I walked away and am still mad. So, now we have this party on Saturday and I don't know what to do. I want to ask the other neighbors, but now it looks like I am having this party out of spite, when we actually planned it last week I've gotten different advice, such as invite them to show you are above them etc. HELP!
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

I must admit I can't see what business it is of yours who your Neighbour invites to their party. You either invite them or not to your's.

 

[holycow]

When it is a neighborhood party and she is the only family NOT invited???

yes they are entitled to invite who they want yadda, yadda, yadda....
But!
It is rude. Yes, I'd invite them but then I'd be done. Obviously they don't care for your family. I'm sorry but that is how it sounds.

Hugs to you! Have a fantastic party and just forget about it!

 

[Ceila]

When it is a neighborhood party and she is the only family NOT invited???

yes they are entitled to invite who they want yadda, yadda, yadda....
But!
It is rude. Yes, I'd invite them but then I'd be done. Obviously they don't care for your family. I'm sorry but that is how it sounds.

Hugs to you! Have a fantastic party and just forget about it!

She said her "other neighbors" were invited, not "all the other neighbors" were invited. I took her post to mean that the people on the other side of her were included, not that the entire neighborhood was there (except her family). But I can see how it can be interpreted either way.

 

[focusondisney]

I think the mom/dad were wrong to send over their daughter and other party-goers to your house to play but exclude you from their party..

But we don't know the neighbors "sent" their daughter & other guests over to play. We know the kids showed up in her yard. Kids at parties wander around, go to the front yard, etc. For all we know, those neighbors didn't even know their daughter had wandered over there.

If one of my neighbors ever came to me and yelled at me for not inviting them to my house, it would be the last time we ever spoke. That neighbor would cease to exist for me.

NO ONE tells me what to do in MY house.

OP, you were incredibly rude to berate your neighbor. There is no further discussion than that, IMHO. You can try to apologize but don't be surprised if they wash their hands of you. If they do come to this party you've invited them to, consider yourself very lucky.

If the neighbors start chatting and word of the OP's behavior gets out, I'll be surprised if anyone shows up for the party on July 2. Way out of line IMHO.

Good point!

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't know. They aren't good enough to be invited to the neighbor's party. But she's good enough to watch the neighbor's kids while they prepare for that party. I'm thinking it must be something else.

I agree. I bet the DH is friendly with the Op but his wife is not her friend. Period. There is a vast difference between "friendly" and "friends" and this party was for "friends". If there was any history before the OP's reaction sealed the deal IMO. I can understand if every one of the neighbors was invited but the OP and her family were not but I honestly cannot understand why a neighbor feels entitled to be included in every gathering that includes mutual friends. Again.....not friendly neighbors but neighborhood friends.

I stand corrected. "Usual crowd" noted.



The OP's perception was they sent their child so they could get ready for their party. That was her perception. It could mean exactly that. We don't know, but that was the OP's perception. My point was it would seem if she is good enough for the neighbor to send her kid(s) over to play (watch, whatever) then there must not be too much history there to leave her off the party list. YMMV.

I think, to do that, she needs to start by going over and apologizing for blowing up, and then ask to start over, and invite them to her party.

If the relationship matters this is the way to try to make the fiasco right. Emailing an invite is not going to fix this mess, especially if her neighborhood is like mine. Right after the little spat you can bet that the word was out and the party people will know that they were the only ones who did not get a phoned invitation but what could be perceived as a second hand invite.

If one of my neighbors ever came to me and yelled at me for not inviting them to my house, it would be the last time we ever spoke. That neighbor would cease to exist for me.

NO ONE tells me what to do in MY house.

OP, you were incredibly rude to berate your neighbor. There is no further discussion than that, IMHO. You can try to apologize but don't be surprised if they wash their hands of you. If they do come to this party you've invited them to, consider yourself very lucky.

This is the reaction my DH had with my next door neighbor. He was not fond of him right from the start. In truth, the guy was a nasty mean old goat but DH tolerated him. After all we lived next door to the guy. Well we had a little family graduation party and my sister and her little ones were walking her puppy on the street. The puppy saw neighbors dag and ran to play with her. Oh my goodness! What a way to find out firsthand why the neighbors avoided this guy like the plague! He let go with every cuss word ever heard a quite a few that I think he made up. In front of his 5 YO DGS and my young nieces and nephews. I went over to discuss this and he went off on me. Seems that dogs stepping a paw in his yard put him over the edge.

I got over it because I really like his wife and I don't generally keep a grudge. Not DH. No one is going to drop F-Bombs at and to his family and never in front of the kids. Ever. HE won't start trouble but he "keeps his distance." That means there is no friendly conversation, no offers of assistance and Hell would freeze over before he would be included in any function at my house if DH was here.

OP- I understand hurt feelings, I really do. I do not understand acting out on those feelings until you know what you are acting out on. If you want to mend this fence you might go take PP's advice and go apologize to the neighbors. If you really feel that you were snubbed ask them if you have inadvertently offended them in the past. I bet that you have not but that the wife senses that you really do not like her and that she really does not like you either so your relationship is superficial. The neighbors did not invite superficial acquaintances they invited friends.

 

[AndreaDM]

I just thought of another thing, if this happened to me, and my daughter was upset as I could see kids feeling really left out, I would have told her to hop in the car and went for ice cream or something. Just sitting there watching the festivities and stewing is not teaching your children to be gracious in situations like that. Use that opportunity to teach them AND also to spend some time just enjoying your own family's company.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Hello everyone,
Last week we decided to throw a party on July 2nd. I've been working through a list of friends either calling or emailing including my two sets of neighbors. One set is right next to us: we can each see comings and goings of each other, the husband is very friendly and comes over to chat all the time, and the youngest daughter is at our house a LOT to play with my daughter. So, last night they throw a big party! Our other neighbors are invited...we see them there, and our kids ask why we aren't invited too...So, I'm mad. This is the same family that did not invite my daughter to a birthday party when they played together every day. I bit my tongue and life went on. Well, I am fed up now. I marched over to the husband this morning and chewed him out. He said it wasn't his fault, it was his wife's idea. I told him to snub the kids is inexcusable. I walked away and am still mad. So, now we have this party on Saturday and I don't know what to do. I want to ask the other neighbors, but now it looks like I am having this party out of spite, when we actually planned it last week I've gotten different advice, such as invite them to show you are above them etc. HELP!
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

You know, based on this post I know why you weren't invited. I can't believe you chewed someone out because they didn't want you at their party! Really? Based on that behavior do you really wonder why?

 

[akhenaten]

OP how do you handle it f your kids are not inited to a classmates Bday party??

This has happened many times to my kids.. are they hurt/disappointed sure.. Do I ream anyone out... NO!!!!

Great teaching moment ...and you blew it!

 

[happygirl]

OP Wow, I wouldn't bother send them an invite I doubt it they will show up, or ever invite you over anytime soon, I hope they other neighbors didn't hear or get told the story of you acting out, or no one will be at your party