Not invited to neighbor's party - advice please!

[goofy!]

Hello everyone,
Last week we decided to throw a party on July 2nd. I've been working through a list of friends either calling or emailing including my two sets of neighbors. One set is right next to us: we can each see comings and goings of each other, the husband is very friendly and comes over to chat all the time, and the youngest daughter is at our house a LOT to play with my daughter. So, last night they throw a big party! Our other neighbors are invited...we see them there, and our kids ask why we aren't invited too...So, I'm mad. This is the same family that did not invite my daughter to a birthday party when they played together every day. I bit my tongue and life went on. Well, I am fed up now. I marched over to the husband this morning and chewed him out. He said it wasn't his fault, it was his wife's idea. I told him to snub the kids is inexcusable. I walked away and am still mad. So, now we have this party on Saturday and I don't know what to do. I want to ask the other neighbors, but now it looks like I am having this party out of spite, when we actually planned it last week I've gotten different advice, such as invite them to show you are above them etc. HELP!
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

My husband and I invited them. I called the other neighbors and sent and email to the ones who didn't invite us. The people they invited are the usual set of friends that are at parties. I know them all since we ask each other since we are friends and we know them from trick-or-treating together etc. What is rude, is not inviting at least my kids. My two youngest play with the daughter all the time. In fact, the afternoon of the party, she came over to play (now we realize so her parents could get ready for the party). At the last snub (not inviting to the b-day party) I said nothing, which is why I think they think a repeat of the same is okay. I was very matter of fact "our kids play together every day, you come over all the time to have a beer, chat, etc., yet we are snubbed." I'm not sure what the wife's story is. She definitely wears the pants in the family, and my husband has always said he thinks she is very jealous. Anyway, they are invited. We'll see what happens.
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

Well, yes, that would be weird to have the kids over and not us. At one point the little girl came into our yard with some of the party - goers to say hello to my daughter. It was just strange...I didn't let my daughter go over to the party because we weren't invited. And the neighbor came over our house yesterday to play while they were getting ready, not the other way around. Yes, we have been over to each others houses. Usually at night when the kids are in bed we'll sit on the deck to chat. We've had them over for dinner many times. Yes, I always go over to chat with the wife while outside or getting mail or whatever. I guess that's the puzzling part - why the neighbors on the other side were invited. I think that's what was so upsetting. And yes, I did have to explain to my children that we aren't always invited to everything. They of course noticed and asked why we weren't invited. It was strange for them, as we have been invited in the past. It was strange for me when the guests all waved and said hello to us in the yard....we know these people from the other parties. So, I guess I know where we stand (should have figured that out after dd wasn't invited to the neighbor's birthday party). Just a bummer.
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

What's done is done. You invited them. Now let the chips fall where they may.

I understand your feelings. Inviting every one of your neighbors but you was sending you a message. Right or wrong, they now know their message was received.

In the long run, you both probably just want peace. Be cordial. Hopefully they will be too. Hope it all works out.

The OP never said it was every one of her neighbors. It was the neighbors that live on the other side of them and a "usual" crowd that she recognized from trick or treating together.


Sounds more like the OP is jealous that the neighbors on the other side are friends and they are not and/or she is not part of the "in crowd" and now she is projecting that jealousy on the neighbor's wife.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't know. They aren't good enough to be invited to the neighbor's party. But she's good enough to watch the neighbor's kids while they prepare for that party. I'm thinking it must be something else.

She said the girl came over to play with her kids, that doesn't sound like the OP was asked to babysit. I have neighbor kids over here playing all the time, doesn't mean I'm watching them, it just means they came over to play

 

[goofy!]

She said the girl came over to play with her kids, that doesn't sound like the OP was asked to babysit. I have neighbor kids over here playing all the time, doesn't mean I'm watching them, it just means they came over to play

Unless the neighbor called and specifically asked the OP to watch Janie for a few hours, this was just neighborhood kids getting together. Happens all the time. OP was free to send the girl home at any time since she made no commitment to the neighbor to watch the girl.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Really people, do you think that reaming the OP (the way she is assumed to have chewed out the neighbor in a moment of anger and frustration) is going to be helpful here????

Personally, while we all know that what she said she did was quite wrong... I honestly agree that openly separating neighbors, and drawing this kind of line, excluding children who play happily together on a daily basis, and basicly flaunting it is just horrid.

The OP may not have been right in the way she handled it.
And I personally abhor any kind of entitlement mentality...
So, I do see these things.

But, IMHO, it was this neighbor here who was acting the middle school mean girl.... No question about it.
"WE'RE all having fun at the popular kid's table, and you and your kids have to say on the other side of this line... Natty Natty Boo Boo...."
Seriously.

If there is possible innuendo and 'jealousy', then this too could be a product of a very immature and vulnerable personality.
If there is no clear reason for any jealousy, at all, then the OP should realize that this kind of jealous controlling person has 'issues' and she (the OP) cannot do anything, at all, about it. Often, nothing can change this type of person. The OP can only be responsible for her own actions.

And therefore, should realize that the way she reacted was wrong.

OP, there are clearly some issues between you two women here.
And, yes, it does take two to tango.

I think you should let it go... sit/sleep on it for a while...
And then try to find a way to handle this situation in a way that is as mature and positive as humanly possible.

Maybe this means facing the reality that this will be the way it goes down. That this husband is friendly and the kids are good friends... but somehow you (and therefore you with your family unit) are just not a part of this neighbors 'clique'.

Going and starting a schoolyard shouting match isn't going to help matters.

As much as this thing might be hurtful...
It is best to acknowledge and move on as an adult.

 

[Mama Who]

I don't know. They aren't good enough to be invited to the neighbor's party. But she's good enough to watch the neighbor's kids while they prepare for that party. I'm thinking it must be something else.

Why does it have to be about "good enough?" I can think of any number of situations in which one friend might not be invited to a gathering that has NOTHING to do with good enough.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The OP never said it was every one of her neighbors. It was the neighbors that live on the other side of them and a "usual" crowd that she recognized from trick or treating together.

Sounds more like the OP is jealous that the neighbors on the other side are friends and they are not and now she is projecting that jealousy on the neighbor's wife.

I stand corrected. "Usual crowd" noted.

She said the girl came over to play with her kids, that doesn't sound like the OP was asked to babysit. I have neighbor kids over here playing all the time, doesn't mean I'm watching them, it just means they came over to play

The OP's perception was they sent their child so they could get ready for their party. That was her perception. It could mean exactly that. We don't know, but that was the OP's perception. My point was it would seem if she is good enough for the neighbor to send her kid(s) over to play (watch, whatever) then there must not be too much history there to leave her off the party list. YMMV.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Why does it have to be about "good enough?" I can think of any number of situations in which one friend might not be invited to a gathering that has NOTHING to do with good enough.

That was in response to the below quote.

Judging by the OPs behavior towards the neighbor for not inviting her, I would say they probably have a reason not to. I'm betting there is a history.

 

[luvmy3]

I stand corrected. "Usual crowd" noted.



The OP's perception was they sent their child so they could get ready for their party. That was her perception. It could mean exactly that. We don't know, but that was the OP's perception. My point was it would seem if she is good enough for the neighbor to send her kid(s) over to play (watch, whatever) then there must not be too much history there to leave her off the party list. YMMV.

We don't know if she was "sent" over or if she just went over. Right now my 2 dses are outside playing with our next door neighbor and a boy from down the street. Neither was sent here by their parents to play, they just came over. I don't know the OP, but from what she has posted here it seems (to me) that there may be more to their story than we are hearing.

 

[goofy!]

Really people, do you think that reaming the OP (the way she is assumed to have chewed out the neighbor in a moment of anger and frustration) is going to be helpful here????

Personally, while we all know that what she said she did was quite wrong... I honestly agree that openly separating neighbors, and drawing this kind of line, excluding children who play happily together on a daily basis, and basicly flaunting it is just horrid.

The OP may not have been right in the way she handled it.
And I personally abhor any kind of entitlement mentality...
So, I do see these things.

But, IMHO, it was this neighbor here who was acting the middle school mean girl.... No question about it.
"WE'RE all having fun at the popular kid's table, and you and your kids have to say on the other side of this line... Natty Natty Boo Boo...."
Seriously.

OP, there are clearly some issues between you two women here.
And, yes, it does take two to tango.

I think you should let it go... sit/sleep on it for a while...
And then try to find a way to handle this situation in a way that is as mature and positive as humanly possible.

Maybe this means facing the reality that this will be the way it goes down. That this husband is friendly and the kids are good friends... but somehow you (and therefore you with your family unit) are just not a part of this neighbors 'clique'.

Going and starting a schoolyard shouting match isn't going to help matters.

As much as this thing might be hurtful...
It is best to acknowledge and move on as an adult.

So now it is flaunting when you invite neighbors who are friends over for a party and not all the neighbors who might not be as close? There can be plenty of reasons why the OP was not invited.

Recently our next door neighbor hosted a graduation party for her granddaughter. The family lives in another town, but the granddaughter is open enrolled in our neighborhood high school. The grandmother offered to host the party because it was in the same neighborhood as all the granddaughter's classmates. It was a big barbecue with lots of cars parked up and down the street. We (one side neighbors) were invited because our daughter cheers with her granddaughter. Some of the other neighbors were also invited because they knew the parents and/or children. But the neighbors on their other side were not invited nor were the "usual group" of neighbors that party together. Nobody got upset because everybody realizes that there are numerous reasons for a party and sometimes we are not part of the group that is invited.

Should our neighbor have invited all the neighbors to her granddaughter's graduation party just because some of us were invited even if they had no idea who her granddaughter was?

The OP had no idea what the party was about, only that she was not invited when she chewed out the neighbor.

Sorry, but the ONLY person who did anything remotely out of line here was the OP.

 

[OceanAnnie]

We don't know if she was "sent" over or if she just went over. Right now my 2 dses are outside playing with our next door neighbor and a boy from down the street. Neither was sent here by their parents to play, they just came over. I don't know the OP, but from what she has posted here it seems (to me) that there may be more to their story than we are hearing.

You may be right. There's a lot we don't know.

We might not agree on the whole on this one. That's okay. I'm of the opinion that good people do make mistakes in the heat of the moment. Maybe the OP reached her limit and it was totally out of character. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. To me, the way she described the scenario I think she saw the relationship in a different light than what it actually was. She was hurt, lashed out, regrets it. To me, that's forgivable.

That's different than purposely leaving someone out (birthday party, parties).

Just my take on limited information. Who knows what's right in this case?

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Do you guys seriously invite everyone you are friendly with to every one of your parties? Do you invite every single neighbor, every single time? I know for a fact I don't and if this is rude, then so be it. I'm not going to invite everyone I know just so they don't have a hissy fit over it.



These people should be able to have a party and invite whomever they feel like without some crazy neighbor screaming at them.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

Really people, do you think that reaming the OP (the way she is assumed to have chewed out the neighbor in a moment of anger and frustration) is going to be helpful here????

Well, the OP posted her encounter on a discussion board so I think she must have known that people would give their opinions on what she did. I don't think anyone is reaming her and if anything, perhaps it's taught her to better handle a future occurance.

Personally, while we all know that what she said she did was quite wrong... I honestly agree that openly separating neighbors, and drawing this kind of line, excluding children who play happily together on a daily basis, and basicly flaunting it is just horrid.

Goodness, I highly doubt it's excluding children and flaunting. The OP has stated that her daughter and their daughter play together alot. If they were truly excluding, why would they be letting their daughter play at all with hers?

The OP may not have been right in the way she handled it.
And I personally abhor any kind of entitlement mentality...
So, I do see these things.

I agree, it was handled poorly.

But, IMHO, it was this neighbor here who was acting the middle school mean girl.... No question about it.
"WE'RE all having fun at the popular kid's table, and you and your kids have to say on the other side of this line... Natty Natty Boo Boo...."
Seriously.

Does it stand to reason then that any neighbor you chat with or your kids play with is obligated to invite you anytime they have a party? This kind of thinking is strange to me. And a mean school girl? How about the OP marching over and chewing out the dad for not being invited? Who knows why the neighbor lady decided not to invite her. Just because you're chatty with a neighbor doesn't mean you're "friends" IMO.

OP, there are clearly some issues between you two women here.
And, yes, it does take two to tango

.

Again, we have no idea why this lady didn't invite the OP. Maybe it truly is a case where she doesn't feel the same friendship the OP does. Doesn't make it wrong.

I think you should let it go... sit/sleep on it for a while...
And then try to find a way to handle this situation in a way that is as mature and positive as humanly possible.

I agree, let it go OP. It's not worth losing sleep over. The fact that you already chewed out the dad most certainly got back to his wife anyway so it probably didn't help matters. It's nice that you invited them to your party but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't feel comfortable coming now.

Maybe this means facing the reality that this will be the way it goes down. That this husband is friendly and the kids are good friends... but somehow you (and therefore you with your family unit) are just not a part of this neighbors 'clique'.

Again, nothing wrong with that. Just because you live near each other doesn't mean you have to be great friends and invited to every party they throw.

Going and starting a schoolyard shouting match isn't going to help matters.

Totally agree. I cannot imagine doing that to my neighbor because I feel she should have invited us to her party.

As much as this thing might be hurtful...
It is best to acknowledge and move on as an adult.

Yup, time to move on. There most likely is more to the story anyway.

 

[goofy!]

You may be right. There's a lot we don't know.

We might not agree on the whole on this one. That's okay. I'm of the opinion that good people do make mistakes in the heat of the moment. Maybe the OP reached her limit and it was totally out of character. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. To me, the way she described the scenario I think she saw the relationship in a different light than what it actually was. She was hurt, lashed out, regrets it. To me, that's forgivable.

That's different than purposely leaving someone out (birthday party, parties).

Just my take on limited information. Who knows what's right in this case?

There is also a big difference in purposely leaving someone out and just not inviting somebody because they are not close friends. Even to birthday parties. It doesn't sound like the kids were purposely excluded (like every single child from the class was invited but not her child). It also sounds like she expects all three of her children to be invited to things (ie: her comment that it was rude to not at least invite her children.) So, maybe the neighbors didn't have room for 3 kids at the earlier birthday party and didn't want to invite 1 and exclude the other 2.

My kids have not been invited to birthday parties and other celebrations that the "rest of the crowd" has been invited to. They have also been invited to parties that some of the others from "the crowd" were not invited to. Every party, there is always a few of the "group" that is excluded. There has always been some rhyme of reason why that "particular" group of kids were invited, be it class mates, team mates, church friends, mom saying you can invite 5 friends and the kid has to choose, etc.

Not a big deal unless the parents teach the kids it is a big deal.

If the OP expects her children to be invited to every party of every kid they have ever played with, then the OP is in for lots of screaming matches with lots of parents.

Nobody is entitled to be invited to anything. It is absolutely up to the host/hostess to invite whomever they want, especially at what seems to be an adult party.

 

[Allison]

I agree with the others, take the high road and invite them.

Chances are they won't come anyway out of embarrassment (at least the wife) and you'll have shown them what class and grace looks like.

Enjoy your party

The op is the one who should be embarrassed. The neighbor did nothing wrong by inviting the people they wanted to their own party. I cannot imagine doing such a thing.

 

[OceanAnnie]

There is also a big difference in purposely leaving someone out and just not inviting somebody because they are not close friends. Even to birthday parties. It doesn't sound like the kids were purposely excluded (like every single child from the class was invited but not her child). It also sounds like she expects all three of her children to be invited to things (ie: her comment that it was rude to not at least invite her children.) So, maybe the neighbors didn't have room for 3 kids at the earlier birthday party and didn't want to invite 1 and exclude the other 2.

My kids have not been invited to birthday parties and other celebrations that the "rest of the crowd" has been invited to. They have also been invited to parties that some of the others from "the crowd" were not invited to. Every party, there is always a few of the "group" that is excluded. There has always been some rhyme of reason why that "particular" group of kids were invited, be it class mates, team mates, church friends, mom saying you can invite 5 friends and the kid has to choose, etc.

Not a big deal unless the parents teach the kids it is a big deal.

If the OP expects her children to be invited to every party of every kid they have ever played with, then the OP is in for lots of screaming matches with lots of parents.

Nobody is entitled to be invited to anything. It is absolutely up to the host/hostess to invite whomever they want, especially at what seems to be an adult party.

While you raise some good points, I don't see it as quite so cut and dry. I would expect that children that play together every day would get an invitation to their birthday parties. If not, I wouldn't say anything about it, but I would be surprised. That's just me. Not "entitled", but perhaps a logical extension of the relationship.

I stated earlier I think the OP had a different picture of the relationship and didn't adjust that picture over time. Did she handle it poorly, yes. I think she even stated as much, IIRC.

She is trying to make it right. So it goes.

 

[AKL_Megs]

She is trying to make it right. So it goes.

I think, to do that, she needs to start by going over and apologizing for blowing up, and then ask to start over, and invite them to her party.

 

[Andtototoo]

Eh, I'd probably view it as I had been mistaken in the kind of friendship we had in that I thought we were friendly enough to attend each other's parties and I was obviously wrong. So no need to invite them to my party. If I'm not supposed to be hurt or offended by being left off their guest list, they shouldn't be hurt or offended at being left off mine.

 

[shortbun]

I say you have to follow the rules you set down for the neigbors. If their snub of your kids is unacceptable, yours of theirs is the same thing. Invite them and do it in person with an apology. I don't really get why you would chew out your neighbor for not inviting you to a party. My explanation to my child would have been that every party has a limit and they had to NOT invite someone and also that it's ok not to be invited.

 

[goofy!]

I think, to do that, she needs to start by going over and apologizing for blowing up, and then ask to start over, and invite them to her party.

I have to agree.

She said she called all the other neighbors and invited them, but e-mailed the offending neighbors.

If she is trying to make it right, give them a call too, apologize. You don't have to invite them, but an apology would be nice.

 

[goofy!]

Eh, I'd probably view it as I had been mistaken in the kind of friendship we had in that I thought we were friendly enough to attend each other's parties and I was obviously wrong. So no need to invite them to my party. If I'm not supposed to be hurt or offended by being left off their guest list, they shouldn't be hurt or offended at being left off mine.

I don't see anything wrong with that either.

She shouldn't feel obligated to invite the neighbors just because they happen to share a lot line.