Non-residential parents and step-parents

[sweet angel]

Do you require the kids to bring their own stuff when they come to your house? For example, are they required to bring their own shampoo? What if they can use yours, but don't like it? Would you buy them the one they liked -- within reason?

Are they required to bring their own deodorant? Hairdryer? Etc.?

I think if I was a non-residential parent, I would stock my child's stuff so he would feel at home when he came here and he would have his own stuff -- not have to borrow -- and not have him bring everything from home.

Discuss...

 

[poohandwendy]

OMG, I would make sure they had everything they needed to feel as 'at home' as possible. Bring their own shampoo? That is awful. I don't expect that of out-of-state guests, we always stock some extras.

 

[ilovejack02]

Nope my stepson just showed up empty handed for the most part. When i first met my DH dss was 5. I will say he didnt have alot of clothes for Brad at the house, so his mom would send a bag with some clothes. That only lasted a cpl of months with me in the picture I worked at a dept. store so i bought him all kinds of clothes. Now once he was a teenager there were a few special things that traveled back and forth and that was his doing. Never the essentials, just special pieces of clothes and video games.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Not in this boat, but this is one of those times I can know what I'd do if I were. I'd have the stuff there for the kid.

If they wanted to move clothes back and forth, or toys, that'd be fine. Kids want to have certain things all the time. But no way I'd make them bring their own shampoo, etc.

I know someone, somewhere did this or you wouldn't be asking. And all I can say is, "Ugh."

 

[sweet angel]

Yes, DS15 brings all his own clothes (he's picky, so that doesn't bother me), his own deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, etc. The latest thing is that they want me to buy him his own hairdryer, so theirs doesn't "burn out". I told them no, I wasn't doing that.

His shampoo and conditioner is $0.99 (V05 kiwi lime) -- so they finally broke down and bought some of that for him.

 

[L107ANGEL]

They want him to bring his own hair dryer

 

[Freyja]

OMG, I would make sure they had everything they needed to feel as 'at home' as possible. Bring their own shampoo? That is awful. I don't expect that of out-of-state guests, we always stock some extras.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yes, DS15 brings all his own clothes (he's picky, so that doesn't bother me), his own deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, etc. The latest thing is that they want me to buy him his own hairdryer, so theirs doesn't "burn out". I told them no, I wasn't doing that.

His shampoo and conditioner is $0.99 (V05 kiwi lime) -- so they finally broke down and bought some of that for him.

That is sad. Funny thing is, they probably do not even realize that these 'little things' rack up negative points for your son in the long run...when it comes to a relationship with his father. Amazing how people allow the little things to become real issues, purely out of stubborn meanspiritedness.

 

[Luv'sTink]

That is just wrong! He isn't a guest in a hotel, he is a family member. Just as if they had custody of him they should be suppling him with what he needs while he is there.

Don't tell me....Someone pays support so they feel they shouldn't have to supply anything else for him.

 

[froglady]

I am also not in the same boat, but I believe that the children should be treated as full time residents in both homes, not guests.

This means that they should have whatever any children living in the home fulltime would have. If you live in a one bedroom apartment, obviously any children would have to sleep on the couch, whether they were there full time or only part time. BUT, you would still be providing all of their basic needs, which includes shampoo, deoderant, etc.

Of course, being treated as full time family members, not guests, would include having the same chores, bedtimes, rules, etc at both houses.

 

[sweet angel]

I would make my home my child's home-away-from-home for the time he spent with me. I would consider that my duty as a parent. He would have his own room -- not just "the guest room". He would have the things that he would have at home -- and I don't mean necessarily all the video games, computer, etc., but a space that was "his".

The step-monster told me once that they have no discipline problems with him there...ever....because "We have rules for him here." My response was, "He's got rules here too. I think you have no problems with him because he's a 'guest' there, not a family member."

 

[sweet angel]

That is just wrong! He isn't a guest in a hotel, he is a family member. Just as if they had custody of him they should be suppling him with what he needs while he is there.

Don't tell me....Someone pays support so they feel they shouldn't have to supply anything else for him.

"Support" -- oh no....it's not "support" -- it's my "second paycheck".

 

[kimmikayb]

I'm divorced, but I'm the CP. During our seperation I would pack fully stocked bags for the kids to go to Dad's. However, he played dirty games....and there are a lot of dirty games divorcing parents can play...he would keep all the clothes. So after a month, I was buying new clothes. I was trying to work with him, but he wasn't having any of that. So long story, short....he has a home for the kids with their own stuff at his house just like our house. It's actually better for the kids that way if you're on any kind of regular visitation. I don't know if the kids get their own brand of shampoo at their dad's but they have shampoo there.

 

[poohandwendy]

My response was, "He's got rules here too. I think you have no problems with him because he's a 'guest' there, not a family member."

I think you hit the nail on the head.

Unfortunately, your ex will probably lose in the end, when he has an adult son who isn't really obligated to visit or call and couldn't care less about having a decent relationship with him. You have to nurture relationships for them to be strong and lasting.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

We only require our step-daughter to bring one thing: her clothes for the following Monday.

The reason we started that, is because we'd buy her a wardrobe for our house and we'd send her off to school in something that was from her closet here. We started noticing that every Friday that we picked her up, she was coming to us in clothes that were old and worn out.

It didn't take long, before all the new clothes that we had for her here, were replaced by old ratty clothes from her mom's house. And I'm sure her closet at her mom's house, had a wonderful new wardrobe, on top of her receiving child support from my husband.

It was frustrating.

We put the rule in place to stop her mom from basically ending up with a new wardrobe at our, and her daughter's expense.

It seems to have worked.

Now she comes back to us with decent clothes and I make sure to send her home in the fresh clothes from her mom's house, and wash and send home what she came to us with.

 

[missj1975]

Whenever I visited my father and step-mother (four times a year), I always brought my own stuff just because I knew my step-mother wouldn't have anything for me or my sister. She was very tight with dad's money and wouldn't buy us anything extra when we visited, not even a candy bar at the grocery store. Of course she would buy her own daughter one but if we wanted one, we had to spend our own money. And yes I hold resentments towards my father because I always felt out of place when visiting, like it was such a chore to see me. I think it is pathetic to nickel and dime your own kids personal care products because in the long run your son is going to remember that you were upset that you had to buy him a hairdryer. Give me a break, you can buy one for less then $5.00. What your son isn't even worth that? Maybe you are trying to prove a point to his father and stepmother but all you are doing is hurting your child. Remember it is the little things that can cause the worst pain.

 

[ilovejack02]

Whenever I visited my father and step-mother (four times a year), I always brought my own stuff just because I knew my step-mother wouldn't have anything for me or my sister. She was very tight with dad's money and wouldn't buy us anything extra when we visited, not even a candy bar at the grocery store. Of course she would buy her own daughter one but if we wanted one, we had to spend our own money. And yes I hold resentments towards my father because I always felt out of place when visiting, like it was such a chore to see me. I think it is pathetic to nickel and dime your own kids personal care products because in the long run your son is going to remember that you were upset that you had to buy him a hairdryer. Give me a break, you can buy one for less then $5.00. What your son isn't even worth that? Maybe you are trying to prove a point to his father and stepmother but all you are doing is hurting your child. Remember it is the little things that can cause the worst pain.

Im sorry but if the father and stepmother are letting the kid use the hairdyer then there is no reason to buy one. Now if they stop lettin him use it then of course go buy one. She is not hurting her child because she wouldnt buy him a hairdyer. Sorry you had so many issues with your father, but im dont think the mother here is the problem.

 

[sweet angel]

Whenever I visited my father and step-mother (four times a year), I always brought my own stuff just because I knew my step-mother wouldn't have anything for me or my sister. She was very tight with dad's money and wouldn't buy us anything extra when we visited, not even a candy bar at the grocery store. Of course she would buy her own daughter one but if we wanted one, we had to spend our own money. And yes I hold resentments towards my father because I always felt out of place when visiting, like it was such a chore to see me. I think it is pathetic to nickel and dime your own kids personal care products because in the long run your son is going to remember that you were upset that you had to buy him a hairdryer. Give me a break, you can buy one for less then $5.00. What your son isn't even worth that? Maybe you are trying to prove a point to his father and stepmother but all you are doing is hurting your child. Remember it is the little things that can cause the worst pain.

Point taken, but considering I knew nothing about this until 9 this morning and have been nursing a stiff neck/shoulder/back, I certainly wasn't going to run right out and buy one before his father picked him up at 9:30 -- when he SHOULD have picked him up at 7 last night.

And not for nothing, how am I hurting him when THEY are the ones who will not buy him anything to keep at THEIR house? I get it...I'm supposed to be the bigger person and suck it up.

Just like I just suck it up when they don't EVER take him for vacations, school breaks, or ANYTHING other than 7pm Friday to MAYBE 4pm on Sunday every other week...unless they have something to do, then they just skip. Yeah....I'll just keep covering their butts.

Sorry. I guess I'm just pathetic.

 

[sweet angel]

Im sorry but if the father and stepmother are letting the kid use the hairdyer then there is no reason to buy one. Now if they stop lettin him use it then of course go buy one. She is not hurting her child because she wouldnt buy him a hairdyer. Sorry you had so many issues with your father, but im dont think the mother here is the problem.

Thank you. No...they let him use it a couple times, but now the stepmonster hides it and says I need to buy him one so he doesn't burn hers out.

 

[MAKmom]

Have they asked you to purchase a meal plan yet?