no kids at wedding

[tarheelmjfan]

This was on the front page, & peaked my interest, so I just had to read it. I've been married 14 yrs. & can tell you that your wedding day should be very special. Hopefully, the rest of your life with your spouse will be just as special. It appears that many people who are in the planning stages for their wedding are putting way too much significance on that one day. The thought that it's your day & you will do exactly what you want no matter what anyone else says may result in you spending the rest of your life with very few friends & only your spouse to talk to. Sorry, but an "all about me" attitude isn't attractive on anyone. By all means do what you want, but realize your actions have consequenses even on your wedding day.

Sadly, if the marriage has problems the "big" day will soon fade in your memory. A sure way to cause problems in a marriage is to get on the wrong side of your inlaws. Like it or not, boys love their moms. Most of them aren't going to defend you against her, especially if you're not there at the time. They're more likely telling you one thing, & their mom something different in an effort to keep the peace.

All parents are different, but if I were invited to my nieces, best friend's, sister's, etc., wedding & my son wasn't invited, I wouldn't go. (My DS is actually a teenager now, but I would have felt that way when he was younger.) I probably wouldn't show up, when she had a child either. Nor would I be buying her Christmas gifts. In other words, that one action could strain a relationship for life. Parents love their children more than anyone, no exceptions.

I don't mean to come down on anyone, but have read quite a few posts on this board over time. I wish all of you the best, & hope you all have long, happy marriages. Just don't put so much emphasis on the wedding that you lose sight of what's really important. Concentrate on the marriage & having a wonderful life together.

 

[andysgirl360]

just my 2 cents..

DH and I were just invited to a wedding that specified no kids. We have a DD5. This family wedding was 3,000 miles away. We did not go, because I wasn't about to spend money on DD's airfare for a wedding she can't go to. Not to mention leave her with a strange babysitter in a strange city. I respect the bride's wishes regarding her day.....but you have to be prepared that even close family members could decline if they can't bring their kids. Hope you won't be offended if this happens.

 

[my4kids]

just my 2 cents..

DH and I were just invited to a wedding that specified no kids. We have a DD5. This family wedding was 3,000 miles away. We did not go, because I wasn't about to spend money on DD's airfare for a wedding she can't go to. Not to mention leave her with a strange babysitter in a strange city. I respect the bride's wishes regarding her day.....but you have to be prepared that even close family members could decline if they can't bring their kids. Hope you won't be offended if this happens.

This was the dilema I was in....My brothers future MIL called my brother on the phone and said, "well - why don't they get a babysitter? Don't they know any babysitters?" Like I said - I'm not leaving my baby for 3 days for no one, no ones wedding is THAT important to me. Also - she then said "Ok - well - I'll hire a babysitter up here and the kids will stay back at the hotel with the babysitter" - Again - no sorry, I'm not leaving my baby (3 months - with someone I don't know from Adam). And then she went and had the babysitter in the basement of the reception venue...and it was awlful...everyone would have had such a nicer time if we had all been together like a family. ITA with Tarheel fan (even though I'm a Duke fan) it is ONE day...you are going to be married into this family for a lifetime (hopefully) it is all about give and take....alienating kids because you don't want them to detract from you is a big turn off to many. I think if you want to do the babysitter thing - it would be OK for an evening wedding where kids would be tired and happy to not be there...but I still really don't see what is the problem with kids at a daytime wedding....remember, when you have kids...people remember.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Anyway, everyone knows about the rule and hasn't complained about it. My DF's one cousin is bringing a babysitter with them who is a friend and they are making a vacation out of the rest of the time. They know we are paying for everything ourselves and haven't complained.

a friend of my DF and his wife are doing the same thing for our wedding. they're bringing a friend with them and the friend will watch the kids on the day of the wedding(bringing them to a park) while the parents are at the wedding.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

It is up to you what kind of wedding you want. I just want to add a couple of points for some to remember (from someone who has been there done that on all sides of the issue)

I invited only the children of my and my husbands siblings. Yes one cryed during the ceromony, but a friend quickly took her out...no biggie. I personally could not imagine not having the whole family there.

When my brother got married he was the last in our family to get married and he married a girl who was the oldest in her family and there were no children on her side. She insisted on no kids at her wedding which was out of town. Not only did this upset my brother (she didn't care though, because it was HER big day)since he was close to his nieces and nephews, but it caused the worlds biggest strain on the rest of our family. Her mother was EXTREMELY outspoken at the shower about how rude it would be to take children to a wedding. At the time myself and 2 of my sisters were nursing rather new babies. I was not in a financial catagory to pay to get to the wedding, very expensive bridesmaids dress and hotel and afford a babysitter for a whole weekend. Also, I was not about to leave a newborn baby with a babysitter for 3 whole days. Since my whole family was going to be at the wedding - they could not babysit, my husband does not have family in town to babysit, and I really didn't know any babysitters I would feel comfortable leaving my baby with for a whole weekend . Basically, it came down to since my sister in law was so concerned with being a princess, that I had to decline the invitation to my own brothers wedding. (As did 2 of my sisters) We were not being mean and wanted desparately to work something out to make them happy, but we were up against a wall. My brother threw a fit, said no one he loved was coming to his wedding and that she and her mother would have to get over the fact that there would be a few kids there. They relented, and had a room in the basement of the reception site with an older lady to babysit, ofcourse, since they didn't know anything about kids it was completely unprepared for the kids, with nothing to entertain the 3-5 yr olds. and the babies were screaming for their mothers. The little girls 5-6 were crying that they weren't allowed to "go see the bride in the pretty dress" I spent the whole reception in the basement with my baby so that he would not cry. I really wanted to see some of the wedding and my baby was sound asleep, so I snuck him up to wach some dancing, and was met by DB's MIL in the hall, who gave me a HUGE eye-roll. None of my family enjoyed the wedding, because we were either confined to the basement, or at the reception, knowing our children were MISERABLE and crying for us in the basement.
My SIL had an extremely extravagant and beautiful wedding, and she was envisioning being a princess, but all my family saw was the wicked step-sister making us miserable and being difficult. For all the money she spent, I don't remember anything about the wedding, except an ugly basement and some ugly attitudes.
i guess my point is, that the first rule of etiquette is making your guests comfortable and happy, and then they will love your wedding. If you put them in a bad position, they won't think of you as a princess at your wedding anyway, they will just remember being treated ugly.

I'm not saying that all (or any) posterss to this thread are being like my SIL - I'm just saying, some people are in different situations, and Ithink you need to look at each case. Some parents will be happy to have a weekend alone without the kids. Some with newborns are going to be in a pickle etc. If you are gracious and in your beautiful wedding dress, nothing will distract from you anyway. If you still know you don't want to make any exceptions to the rule, than just be prepared that some people will not be able to come.

Side note - my cousin was recently married and did not invite kids to the wedding (trying to keep it small) - Guess who brought their newborn baby to the wedding without even asking if it was OK? Yes - you guessed it- the bridezilla) She also made a huge fuss over him the whole time wearing the big new mother badge proudly. and said it didn't matter that she brought him, because he sleeps all the time anyway, and she IS nursing! Let me tell you, it was worth many giggles at our table.

The whole issue got so ugly, that no one in our family has much of a relationship with her...
She wanted to be the "big show" and we would have thought it was all much prettier, and been more impressed if she had just been understanding. She was a "big show" alright.

Anyway, I too think the childcare idea at Disney is a great one, I'm sure that they would have much for kids, and it would help parents tremendously, while still making your affair and adult one. Just don't get upset if a mommy lets her little girl peek in to see the "pretty bride" for a minute, or a mommy wants to nurse and watch the dansing in a discreet corner. They aren't being selfish, they just want to see "your big day" too.

it sounds like you just didn't like her from the start, and the wedding was another thing to add on to it. i'm not trying to be mean, but that's what i'm getting out of this reply.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

This was the dilema I was in....My brothers future MIL called my brother on the phone and said, "well - why don't they get a babysitter? Don't they know any babysitters?" Like I said - I'm not leaving my baby for 3 days for no one, no ones wedding is THAT important to me. Also - she then said "Ok - well - I'll hire a babysitter up here and the kids will stay back at the hotel with the babysitter" - Again - no sorry, I'm not leaving my baby (3 months - with someone I don't know from Adam). And then she went and had the babysitter in the basement of the reception venue...and it was awlful...everyone would have had such a nicer time if we had all been together like a family. ITA with Tarheel fan (even though I'm a Duke fan) it is ONE day...you are going to be married into this family for a lifetime (hopefully) it is all about give and take....alienating kids because you don't want them to detract from you is a big turn off to many. I think if you want to do the babysitter thing - it would be OK for an evening wedding where kids would be tired and happy to not be there...but I still really don't see what is the problem with kids at a daytime wedding....remember, when you have kids...people remember.

i wouldn't want to bring my kids to a wedding anyway. kids don't want to be there. to them, it's boring. and i don't feel like scolding my kids every 5 seconds to "be quiet. sit. it's almost finished."

and i'm talking about younger kids, anyway. i'm not talking about kids that are around 12 and up. they should be able to contain themselves and behave. but younger kids, like i said, don't want to be there. once they see "the pretty dress!" that's it. just put yourself in the kids shoes. do you REALLY think they want to be there?

 

[Codie]

If I had had a reception at home, I would have only invited the children of immediate family and the ring bearer. Having it in Disney I personally felt that I could not invite couples to Disney and tell them to leave their children at home. For me this was a tough decision because of disney's "adult" age cut off. I agree with one of the previous poster that age 12 or 14 is maybe when you let the kids come, but Disney counts you as an adult as soon as you hit 10. So it was expensive. I looked into doing a Kids party, but that was just as expensive, if not more, and I did not know how many kids would actually come. Plus, my reception was at ADH and the nearest kids party location (other than the Attic which has a high minimum expenditure for a dozen or more kids) was at the convention center for the BW. I tried to put myself in the parents' shoes and decided that I would never drop my kid off at a convention center and then walk down to the ADH and be able to relax. SOOO, we went ahead and invited everyone as a family (which literally increased our list by a third). The biggest surprise I got when I started getting replies---everyone was coming WITHOUT their kids. Most people I talked to...I tried to convince them that I didn't mind and they would respond that THEY minded. We ended up having about 9 kids (5 of which were in the wedding party)...there was about 32 (give or take, my MIL didn't know even the approximate ages of many of her nieces/nephews and great nieces/nephews) that were invited. So in the end, it was nothing to worry about. I felt like the kids were great for distracting me from being too serious and overly emotional and they kept the dance floor lively. But everyone has to figure that issue out and fight that battle the way they want to...my sister didn't invite children and a lot of our family members declined as a result. She was disappointed, but understood.

 

[heatherlynn444]

i wouldn't want to bring my kids to a wedding anyway. kids don't want to be there. to them, it's boring. and i don't feel like scolding my kids every 5 seconds to "be quiet. sit. it's almost finished."

and i'm talking about younger kids, anyway. i'm not talking about kids that are around 12 and up. they should be able to contain themselves and behave. but younger kids, like i said, don't want to be there. once they see "the pretty dress!" that's it. just put yourself in the kids shoes. do you REALLY think they want to be there?

haha amen! especially since i am having a home wedding where a fmaily can just use their regular babysitter, I don't feel like spending a ton of money on a 5 year old who will never remember being at my wedding, and who would be happier at home watching dora the explorer the kid is not going to lose any sleep over it, and like you said, parents don't want to have to shush their kids or chase them all over the reception place all night. It can be a nice excuse for the parents to get out and have a nice evening. plus, we don't have any family members with small children, just a few friends, and so we didn't feel too bad about it for my sister's wedding.

plus, I don't look at it as being selfish or a bridezilla. I think it is MORE selfish to bring a screaming baby to a wedding. now, if it is a financial issue that is obviously understandable, and i think the bride should try to work something out with the family if it is that big of a deal to them, but to bring a child b/c your feelings got hurt or something like that, that is a little much.

the only small kids at my sister's wedding were the flower girl and since the recption started after 8, she slept through the whole thing! it was pretty funny b/c the music was ssooo loud, don't know how she did it.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

plus, I don't look at it as being selfish or a bridezilla. I think it is MORE selfish to bring a screaming baby to a wedding.

I agree. I think being "gracious" and "understanding" goes both ways. Just because a bride wants her day to be special and perfect in her eyes doesn't mean she's just focusing on that day and not the actual marriage itself. I hear the saying "You shouldn't focus on the day itself you should focus on the days after" alot. I think it's very important to focus on both. It will be the best day of my life and I'm going to do everything in my power to make it that way. Things will inevitably go wrong but that doesn't mean I'm going to think the day has to be perfect. If it's something I could prevent (like having kids at the wedding) then I'll do it.

All people feel different ways. Some people love kids and want to include them in their wedding, some people love kids and don't think a wedding is an appropriate place for children, some people love kids but don't want to spend an arm and a leg for them, and some people don't enjoy being around kids. We're all different. I wouldn't complain going to a wedding that had a ton of kids at it (as I don't care to be around kids) as that was what the bride and groom wanted and I could've stayed home if I didn't want to be there, but I wanted to be there. You will have some family members that it won't be a big deal at all to leave the kids behind, some that will LOVE to leave them behind , some that won't come as they don't want to leave them behind, and some that won't come and will hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life. I don't think it's right or wrong not to have kids at a wedding, you should just do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[AlDubya]

All parents are different, but if I were invited to my nieces, best friend's, sister's, etc., wedding & my son wasn't invited, I wouldn't go. (My DS is actually a teenager now, but I would have felt that way when he was younger.) I probably wouldn't show up, when she had a child either. Nor would I be buying her Christmas gifts. In other words, that one action could strain a relationship for life. Parents love their children more than anyone, no exceptions.

This, sadly, says much more about you than anything the bride could do. You'd be that petty and trite because someone wanted an adult only wedding? That's hysterical considering you're sitting there casting aspersions on the bride because they want an 'adult only' wedding.

Funny thing -- I don't know if you're married or not -- but you strike me as someone who didn't just 'go with the flow' when arranging your wedding day (or who will if you're not married).

 

[my4kids]

i wouldn't want to bring my kids to a wedding anyway. kids don't want to be there. to them, it's boring. and i don't feel like scolding my kids every 5 seconds to "be quiet. sit. it's almost finished."

and i'm talking about younger kids, anyway. i'm not talking about kids that are around 12 and up. they should be able to contain themselves and behave. but younger kids, like i said, don't want to be there. once they see "the pretty dress!" that's it. just put yourself in the kids shoes. do you REALLY think they want to be there?

I never said that adult only is a bad thing. And I would be happy to leave behind my 2-10 yr olds for a wedding. It is when you have a newborn that it is a huge problem. Also destination weddings are a huge problem for parents of small kids, especially if they do not have family in town to watch the kids. Not everyone is in the pick up and go mode. I was just saying that if you are having an adult wedding and you can't be flexible with people who can not (not don't want to, but physically can not) leave a nursing infant behind, then don't be dissapointed when they have to decline. And don't be surprised if their feelings are hurt because you could not be flexible enough to include them. No normal person would allow their child to ruin your wedding - parents are responsible for their own children.
I have been married 13 yrs and believe me, kids at the wedding is not a big enough issue to upset a MIL about. Especially if she is helping to pay for the wedding. It is the only day her son will be married, it is her day too. It is the families day to celebrate.
Did not mean to get in a debate, but was just trying to call some attention to how it is for the parents, since if you do not have kids it is hard to understand. And I am assuming, most of you who have such strong opinions about no kids at all - don't have kids.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

And I am assuming, most of you who have such strong opinions about no kids at all - don't have kids.

I don't think LilIrishChick's post had anything directed towards you, but maybe it's just me.

And usually it's the people who have kids that think weddings are for families and kids should be there, since we're assuming. BTW, I really don't believe that as several people that have posted on here have kids and understand where people are coming from that don't want kids there.

It's no one's choice except for the bride and groom's, even if someone else is paying for all or part of the wedding. The money given to the wedding couple for their wedding doesn't come with conditions or choices made by other people, the MIL had a choice in a wedding...her own. If a person contributing money to my wedding felt like they had vote in the decision making, I would decline their offer to help pay. It is the MIL's day too, a day for her to be happy to see her son/daughter get married.

 

[my4kids]

I don't think LilIrishChick's post had anything directed towards you, but maybe it's just me..

It's just you - she quoted me in her post and her prior post.

: And usually it's the people who have kids that think weddings are for families and kids should be there, since we're assuming. BTW, I really don't believe that as several people that have posted on here have kids and understand where people are coming from that don't want kids there. .

Huh?

: It's no one's choice except for the bride and groom's, even if someone else is paying for all or part of the wedding. The money given to the wedding couple for their wedding doesn't come with conditions or choices made by other people, the MIL had a choice in a wedding...her own. If a person contributing money to my wedding felt like they had vote in the decision making, I would decline their offer to help pay. It is the MIL's day too, a day for her to be happy to see her son/daughter get married.

Good luck with your future in-laws!

 

[wendy46001]

It's no one's choice except for the bride and groom's, even if someone else is paying for all or part of the wedding.

Gosh I wish that was true ...but all gifts come with conditions...and if a MIL is paying she does get some say as to how her money is spent...
best way to avoid family input ...do what my DH and I did ...pay for our own wedding

 

[StitchBride]

Amen to that....Neverlandclub got it exactly right! While some flexibility might be nice, in the end it is up to the bride and groom about what they want to do and anyone who can't abide by that can just deal with it! I personally am having kids at the wedding as there are only 5 of them, because it is a Disney and I want the families to be there and they are all over 5 and kids that I know and know the parents of and are generally well behaved but what it comes down to is not all parents are able to control their kids (sad but true) and the bride should not have to worry about that on her day (not to mention it does cost an arm and a leg). As for the MIL paying, it depends on what was said ahead of time...my parents are paying and they certainly have input but in the end its what DF and I want (of course, my dad is very cool about the whole thing he thought mini-cakes were cool and we should have them and I had to talk him out of them but I am having a harpist solely because my dad wants one ). However, not all people are willing to give money without strings attached, just depends but be clear and be firm about what you two want. Weddings are not about families, they are about the joining of the bride and groom and people close to them join in that celebration, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, not just a family gathering. Thats what Thanksgiving is for

 

[TinkBride]

My opinion? And let's remember it is just an opinion.......if the parents are paying, I think that their ideas should be CONSIDERED. But, in the end it should be the Bride and Groom's decision. I think that if the parents can't accept that the bride and groom have desires for their wedding, that the parents may not agree with, then maybe instead of the bride and groom having to revamp their ideas.......the parents need to be more accepting. I can tell you right now.....my DF and I are not paying a dime for our wedding.....but we have made every single decision ourselves. (A lot against my future MIL's wishes.) Her and I discussed these dis-agreements. I just said "Doug and I appreciate all the help you are giving to us, but we are both really excited about X idea, for X reason" Because we discussed it like adults, she was able to understand where my DF and I were coming from.

Just like a marriage.......it takes communication, discussion, and understanding of everyone's feelings......but in the end it is the bride and groom's day regardless of who is funding it. Whether it be kids, food, music....whatever.

Just remember when you marry someone, you marry their family. You have to live with these people as family for the rest of your life. So, I am not saying be a push over and let them have your way.....but have patience, try to see their point of view, and be considerate. As long as you are gracious with your attitude and consideration......then they have nothing to say badly about you. Because you gave it thought. You didn't just get an attitude and shut them and their feelings out.

Unfortunately a wedding is one of the first times the bride and groom need to stand as a untied front, sometimes against family.

 

[TinkBride]

One more thing.......let's not forget about the poor bride who is actually dealing with this. We all have opinions here and that's great......but I have been watching some of these posts here lately and I feel as if they are starting to get nasty. We are all here to help eachother, not criticize opinions of others. So, don't lose sight of what's important. Kids or no kids a bride's wedding day is the happiest of her life, so whatever everyone else thinks each bride's desires are different. I am sure there are people who think we are all terrible for getting married at Disney World, and not a church. But, that is what we chose, because we had that choice to make, same goes with the kids or no kids question.

Let's not ruin the magic!!!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Good luck with your future in-laws!

Thanks! I have a great relationship with them already and they're not even my in-laws yet.

BTW didn't you use the whole "I don't want to start a debate" thing on the "Marrieds choosing not to have kids" thread?

Personally, I'm done with this thread. I've stated what my opinion is and I'm not going to go back and forth with someone else who's opinions are obviously different than my own. I will do what I choose to do at my own wedding and hope everyone does the same for themselves. Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do and I hope you have a magical wedding!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Agreed.

Amen to that....Neverlandclub got it exactly right! While some flexibility might be nice, in the end it is up to the bride and groom about what they want to do and anyone who can't abide by that can just deal with it! I personally am having kids at the wedding as there are only 5 of them, because it is a Disney and I want the families to be there and they are all over 5 and kids that I know and know the parents of and are generally well behaved but what it comes down to is not all parents are able to control their kids (sad but true) and the bride should not have to worry about that on her day (not to mention it does cost an arm and a leg). As for the MIL paying, it depends on what was said ahead of time...my parents are paying and they certainly have input but in the end its what DF and I want (of course, my dad is very cool about the whole thing he thought mini-cakes were cool and we should have them and I had to talk him out of them but I am having a harpist solely because my dad wants one ). However, not all people are willing to give money without strings attached, just depends but be clear and be firm about what you two want. Weddings are not about families, they are about the joining of the bride and groom and people close to them join in that celebration, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, not just a family gathering. Thats what Thanksgiving is for

 

[DLR2WDW]

I would check with your EM on the logistics of getting the kids to the kids' club after the ceremony...how are they going to get there from the ceremony location. If your ceremony is at the Wedding Pavilion and reception at Grand Floridian, then I guess they could be dropped off at the club at GF but what about other scenarios. You could make all of these plans but you also want to be sure it will work on the day of.