no kids at wedding

[tarheelmjfan]

This, sadly, says much more about you than anything the bride could do. You'd be that petty and trite because someone wanted an adult only wedding? That's hysterical considering you're sitting there casting aspersions on the bride because they want an 'adult only' wedding.

What it says about me is that I have no interest in going anywhere that my child isn't welcome. That is exactly how I feel. If a parent doesn't think their child can sit still during the event & chooses to not bring them to a function, that's one thing. To be told they're not welcome is another. The bride & groom are welcome to have their adult only wedding. I was simply pointing out that our decisions can have consequences. Most parents aren't interested in maintaining a relationship with a couple that sees kids as a nuisance.

Funny thing -- I don't know if you're married or not -- but you strike me as someone who didn't just 'go with the flow' when arranging your wedding day (or who will if you're not married).

I've been married 14 yrs. You obviously haven't analyzed me correctly. I can't imagine how that could happen. After all, one post says a lot about a person. Anyway, my DH & I were both working by the time we got married. We paid for every cent of our wedding, reception, & honeymoon. After choosing the colors I would use, I took my attendants & allowed them to choose their dresses. I wanted them to be comfortable in what they were wearing. My only request was that they stay with the colors I had chosen. My mom helped me choose everything. I wanted her to be involved, even though she wasn't paying for anything. We incorporated every request that my mom & MIL made into the wedding. I wanted them to also be happy on the day our families became one.

We had 2 children under the age of 1 at our wedding. If they cried, I didn't notice. The only thing I was paying attention was the minister & my DH. We had an outdoor wedding in a beautiful garden at an historical B&B. During our wedding, there was a fire somewhere & firetrucks went by with horns blaring. I didn't even notice it, until I watched our wedding video. We still watch our video every anniversary, & the sound of the horns doesn't make our enjoyment of reliving that day any less special. Also, it was windy that day & my hair kept blowing in my face. (I have long hair & wore it in a 1/2 updo.) My DH would loving sweep the hair from my face. Did I get upset because my hair was blowing all over my head. No! It provided an opportunity for my DH to show how much he cared for me.

I felt honored that our family & friends cared enough about us to celebrate our special day with us. I certainly didn't attach conditions to their invitation. The idea that everything's all about the bride & groom seems to be a fairly new one. When Prince Charles & Princess Diana were married, it wasn't all about them. They didn't do what they wanted, even if it alienated people. Neither my DH nor I are royalty, so I guess I shouldn't be too upset that others had some input in the planning of my wedding. A wedding should be about the marriage, & sharing your special day with those you love & who love you in return.

I'm sorry my advice wasn't accepted in the spirit it was given. Experience can be a great source of wisdom. We think we know everything, when we're teenagers. Then we grow up & realize we didn't know anything. It's impossible to convince a teenager of that though. The same goes for having kids & being married. We don't really know what either is like, until we've experienced them for ourselves. A parent of a young child doesn't know what a parent of a teen is experiencing. On a similar note, a parent of a teen doesn't know what it's like to have children on their own, or to be a grandparent. We know we're really maturing, when we accept the fact that we don't know everything. I must be extremely mature, because sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.

If people want to make their own mistakes & not learn from others, then it's their mistake to make. I just hope they make those mistakes w/o suffering too many reprucussions. I wish I would have listened more, & made fewer mistakes. We tend to listen to people who are in our same situation, & we feel we can relate to. Unfortunately, you can't learn much from someone who is making the same mistakes you are.

This is gotten too long. In the future, I'll refrain from trying to offer advice, even though it is with the best intentions.

 

[StitchBride]

Tarheel...I think this too has gotten out of hand but you seem to fuel the fire with your comments. The people discussing this thread are hardly teenagers nor does anyone claim to know everything. They simply know how they feel and are looking for encouragement on how to handle the situation they have, not asking for your opinion or advice on why they should change. While your intentions may be good, telling anyone you wouldn't go to a wedding because your child isn't invited does seem petty. That's your choice, no one elses. They may not be fond of children (as some people are) not your child, just children in general and it isn't a slight against your child either. Again, it could be as simple as the excessive fees involved in the cost of the child's food. And I am sure that there are places you go children aren't welcome, as children are not welcome or not necessarily appropriate everywhere ....nice restraunts or how about Disney Cruise? Children aren't welcome in the spa, or in parts of Castaway Cay or areas of the ship? And lets be honest, did you go to every wedding with your parents when you were young? Cause I sure didn't (by my parent's choice or the couples, I have no idea nor does it matter) As for the ability of the bride and groom choose things on their day, this is hardly the 1800's where women are the property of their husbands, it is evolution of society and with that evolution comes people's liberties (and as for Charles and Diana not doing what they wanted....he didn't really want to marry her so that clearly is a bad example) We can only grow from our own mistakes and as long as the couple is happy with their decisions, thats all that matters. If people are petty, that is a reflection of themselves, not the couple. Everyone's different

So we should all move on to happier subjects

 

[TinkBride]

Well said StitchBride!!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Well said StitchBride!!

Absolutely!

And I think that the OP and her fiance standing by each other and supporting each other in having the wedding they both want is a really wonderful way of beginning a life together. Successful marriages happen when the two people support each other in their dreams and work as a team. Allowing a MIL to dictate a wedding is a recipe for disaster. Of course, considerate people take into account all facets of the situation, which is why I think the child care idea is the best option. I can't imagine that there is an adult who has never attended an adult only wedding. They are so prevalent around here (NY/NJ)- esp since most weddings are open bar, all night affairs. I also can't imagine a parent who will not go *anywhere* their child is not allowed!

 

[TinkBride]

So PinkCinderella? Get enough opinions and info..........?



P.S. the kids invitations?............ADORABLE IDEA!!

 

[Gabby&Sean]

Wow this thread has really got mean!!

Everyone is entitled to there point of view but that's it ppl its ur point of view!! It should be given to offer helpful advice so that others can see another perspective, but ultimately the decision is theirs to make. It is not a case of who's right or wrong, or who thinks they know whats best.
I feel some ppl on this board are making personal attacks on ppl (you know who u are) who dont agree with them Now tell me how does that help the original poster!!!!!

Now going back to the OP suggestion of a kids club with lil personal invitations, I think this is a gr8 idea & a wonderful compromise .

I thought id share a lil idea with u which we are using. Disney has an online storymaker which allows you to put the children's name, favorite things & who its from into the story for you to personally print out.
http://disney.go.com/magicartist/storybook/index.html
We thought this would be a great gift for the children at our wedding, to not only entertain them but also as a lil favor from us to make them feel special.

Have a great wedding

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Adorable!

Wow this thread has really got mean!!

Everyone is entitled to there point of view but that's it ppl its ur point of view!! It should be given to offer helpful advice so that others can see another perspective, but ultimately the decision is theirs to make. It is not a case of who's right or wrong, or who thinks they know whats best.
I feel some ppl on this board are making personal attacks on ppl (you know who u are) who dont agree with them Now tell me how does that help the original poster!!!!!

Now going back to the OP suggestion of a kids club with lil personal invitations, I think this is a gr8 idea & a wonderful compromise .

I thought id share a lil idea with u which we are using. Disney has an online storymaker which allows you to put the children's name, favorite things & who its from into the story for you to personally print out.
http://disney.go.com/magicartist/storybook/index.html
We thought this would be a great gift for the children at our wedding, to not only entertain them but also as a lil favor from us to make them feel special.

Have a great wedding

 

[AlDubya]

StitchBride:

While your intentions may be good, telling anyone you wouldn't go to a wedding because your child isn't invited does seem petty.

It wasn't even that issue that I was calling petty. I can understand a couple deciding not to go if their children are not invited as well. When making it an adult only wedding, as a couple, you have to understand if someone chooses not to come because they can't bring their child. I think that's a very reasonable decision.

What I found petty was when she went further and stated: "I probably wouldn't show up, when she had a child either. Nor would I be buying her Christmas gifts."

I mean, come on. Simply because someone chose to not invite your child to a wedding, you'd then shun them for life, refuse to show up at the birth of their child and never buy them christmas gifts?

I'm sorry, but I find that to be the antithesis of what it means to be an adult. It's reacting to someones preference in a petty manner.

Again, not attending the wedding, in my opinion, is NOT petty. I think that's a reasonable response and the couple requesting an 'adult only' wedding should be aware of that possibility (and we are for our wedding). But the extremes with which this person would go afterwards (almost as retribution from a "how dare you not invite my child, I'll show you" stand point) is extremely petty.

So, it's very understandable how I can read such an overreaction to a bride and grooms preference and gleen from that, that it's very likely that this person is very selfish and vindictive. If it's not her way, well, she'll make you pay for it and, while it may not be a family problem yet, she'll make sure it becomes one.

Petty.

 

[suffolkprincess]

Yikes!

So-- for you newlyweds and brides-to-be... just WAIT til you are trying to discuss your childbearing/raising decisions. That's when other women can get really super mean.

Its awful.

OP-- I did not intend to be mean when I suggested you rethink in my first response to the thread-- hope it didn't come across that way. I just wanted to throw out there the idea of picking your battles since you do have to live with these people.

And yes, it is a relatively new idea the way people do weddings nowadays, with such elaborate and personalized planning. But I HATE HATE HATE it when the "bridezilla" term gets thrown around because... well... it is a fantastic example of the way that other women do the patriarchy's work for it-- making fun of each other, calling a woman speaking her mind/ knowing her mind "spoiled" and "princessy" Its just plain sexist, demeaning and unfair.

There are a lot of good ideas on this thread though-- hope that is what ya'll take away.

And, my final word of advice from a former wedding planner is.... you go AHEAD and plan out every detail. Because if you can plan every detail and THEN hand it over to your carefully selected pros/ friends, you will be able to relax and have a great wedding day. Just practice the delegating part!

 

[Scraper]

MY HUSBAND PROPOSED TO ME AT DINNER IN THE CASTLE. I will never forget that magical night. It was even more special because his children were there, now my step children. We planned on having a Disney wedding with his family comming down from NY. His Mom became sick with cancer so I cancelled my plans and we flew to NY and were married. The things I remember most about my wedding is all the Love and thankfullness his Family and friends showed us and allso how greatfull he was that his Mom could be there. My advice have the wedding you want but make sure you follow your heart. Family and friends make our world a wonderful place. Wishing you both a wonderful life together.

 

[heatherlynn444]

it is really sad how tarheel said they would not go anywhere their child was not welcome. so....if another couple asked you and your DH on a date, you would not go b/c your child was not invited? I mean come on. and the comment about the brides not wanting kids are ppl without kids is not true. my parents are paying for my wedding, and THEY are the ones who said they didn't want kids at the wedding, and they have raised two kids who are now married and getting married, so its not JUST people that don't have kids that may not want them at an adult wedding. Just thought I'd clear that up. btw, I love children and have worked with them for 4 years, but there is a time and a place, and some mothers seriously need to stop getting their feelings hurt and being so sensitive about their kids. children are PRECIOUS, but not screaming and whining at a wedding ceremony IMO. but if you choose to deny your family of Christmas gifts, then by all means...

 

[ItGirl753]

Wow, miss a few days and miss a lot! No, I do not have children of my own yet, but I have grown up with certain "rules" in my family whether I liked them or not (and I did a lot of whining as a kid! It didn't matter.). I come from a large extended family. Lots of weddings. We were kids until 18. We were not invited to local wedding receptions. It did not need to say "adult reception" because it was understood in my family. The only kids who were allowed to go were out-of-towners. And my parents got a babysitter and attended these events anyway!!! However, the church was open to all. My parents used to take me to the church because I wanted to go, and was well-behaved I suppose.

If it were at home, there would be very few children at the reception. Fast forward to now, and I am thinking differently. I made my first list of family and closest friends for WDW. In that list, about 1/3 are "kids." It is going to be costly - a lot more "people" than I wanted. I can't possibly leave out my own nieces and nephews (8 of them). I also want my best friends there but I know they will not travel without their children. I want them to enjoy themselves and I know that includes their kids. I hope they will make it a family vacation, an enjoyable and memorable event in WDW, not just a two-day trip so they can see my wedding. Therefore I am planning on having a lot of children present. I know my friends, and I don't think they'd be open to strangers babysitting their kids. They may surprise me and make other arrangements, like bringing someone to babysit. It's just that I have so many families on the list, I thought it better to inconvenience myself rather than have ALL of them scrambling to make arrangements.

I am planning for a morning ceremony and afternoon reception that will be family friendly. I can't picture it any other way, but that's what seems right for me. I have no problem with people who prefer their day without children, even if that means my own (someday).

 

[dopeyfanatic]

You know, I've had many experiences on this board where people are just MEAN. That's why you see I post so few times.

Now to the OP, do what you want. I personally wouldn't exclude kids from a wedding (as I didn't), but if you want to it's your wedding. To what you want. It's true that in the future you won't remember a lot of what happens, but if you're concerned that you won't enjoy your day with the kids, don't invite them. Period. Tell you mil tough. It would be a nice idea to perhaps do an event with kids included so they could spend time with you if they were family. The kids club thing sounds great as I'm sure being a destination wedding a lot of people wouldn't come if they couldn't bring their kids. It would be a long time to find someone to babysit, and besides perfect chance for family vacation. Do keep in mind that even though you offer the service, some people will not leave their kids with strangers, so some still may decline to come. It's a risk you take, so you really just have to weigh if it's more important to not have kids, or more important to have your family/friends there. Of course there may be no objections from anyone but your mil. So there really may not be an issue. I'd offer the kids a little gift bag so they feel special. Also, see if there's a way that they can see you in your dress at some point. I think especially the little girls would love to see you. And just so it's noted, I do have a 2, 4 and 6 year old. Good luck with your wedding. I hope things work out well!!

 

[AlDubya]

But I HATE HATE HATE it when the "bridezilla" term gets thrown around because... well... it is a fantastic example of the way that other women do the patriarchy's work for it-- making fun of each other, calling a woman speaking her mind/ knowing her mind "spoiled" and "princessy" Its just plain sexist, demeaning and unfair.

I agree.

My fiancee is the furthest thing from a 'bridezilla', but she still wants everything perfect. However, that idea is fully based in the idea that something WILL go wrong at the wedding. We don't know what, when, or where... but it will happen. It's almost inevitable.

The idea is to pay close attention to detail on everything and not let some things slide because the more you let slide, the more likely things will go wrong. Some bridesmaids were saying that my fiancee was getting pushy... but what can you expect from a bride when some of them haven't picked up or tried on their dresses yet (we're 4.5 weeks out), continually flake out on wedding related stuff (of which there's been very minimal), and tell her that they're going to leave at 3pm to get to a rehearsal at 5pm which is a 2 hour drive away with not a lick of traffic... and they'll be driving in rush hour at that time.

It gets frustrating when people don't even put a minimal effort forward to do the little things like pick up their dresses or allot enough time to be on time for a rehearsal.

There are obviously some brides who become real *****es in the planning stages and then there are others who are just attempting to plan the wedding to the best of their ability and others are constantly working against them (or at least not with them to make it easier).

I'm glad I'm a guy and that I have a different perspective on things. I basically know that, no matter what, things will work out in the end. I don't worry about it being perfect because just getting married makes it perfect. I think woman -- probably because they dream about this their whole lives, unlike men -- put a lot more of themselves into it because this is the realization of their dreams. Who can blame them for trying to make it perfect?

 

[littleladykaty]

wow, staying out of the line of fire...

Just wanted to add my support to the OP...I'm not having kids at my wedding either, aside from my DF's kids who are the flower girl and ring bearer and even then, after they do their little walk down the aisle they will be leaving with the baby sitter to "have some real fun!". I put "Adult Reception to follow" on my invitations and "number of ADULTS attending" on the response card b/c so many people just don't pay attention. We can't afford to feed everyone! And I'm not afraid to say it...This day is about my DF and myself...we both work with children, we are surrounded by them every single day. It's great. We love kids. I love his kids...but we both know how kids, his kids in particular, will make it the "Bitsy and TJ show" if allowed to. Well it's the Daddy and Katy show on that day. And that's okay. That isn't selfish or being a Bridezilla. Kids need to know that the world does NOT revolve around them all the time. Allowing them to think so only does them a major disservice b/c that is not the way the world works. For one day it's about the bride and groom, and that is all we are asking...one day. Yes kids are cute, but hey I don't need anyone to steal my thunder!

Congrats and good luck!!!

 

[suffolkprincess]

I agree.


It gets frustrating when people don't even put a minimal effort forward to do the little things like pick up their dresses or allot enough time to be on time for a rehearsal.

It might be too late for you but for others... one way that I got around this personally (and helped some of my brides get around it) was that I planned a really very nice and *free* day for the bridesmaids on rehearsal day. I realize that with work schedules and travel this might no help everyone, but it did work for us. Basically, everyone who asked my mom if they could "do" something for us was told that, yes, we wanted to have a nice brunch at her house and would they like to help with that? All of them (these are aunts and family friends of my mom's) said-- sure. So, somebody brought muffins, someone else flowers, etc. I booked a "chair massage" professional and paid for their time and everyone got a neck massage at the brunch. (My mom and her best friend planned these logistics because I was doing everything else .)
Then, I treated everyone to their choice of salon manicure, salon pedicure, or scalp massage/ color glaze at the day spa where I wanted to go for my treatments. This was *expensive* but I was very very glad I did it. For one thing, everyone ended up getting additional treatments and making a day of it, and it was fun. For another, I felt that it was a much nicer way to get them to do the spa day thing-- which I really wanted. Everything was scheduled such that we got ready there at the dayspa and rode together to the rehearsal. Every bridesmaid was on time to the rehearsal in what has to be some kind of wedding record.



I also had all the dresses shipped to me and then *I* shipped them to them. But this was a bit unique because I didn't order "bridesmaid dresses" due to the inevitable logistical nightmares with the bridal-dress-industry, I went with prom dresses from Lord and Taylor. I had ZERO problems with this because only one of 8 women needed alterations (because the prom dresses were true to size unlike a typical bridesmaid dress), and she found going to Lord and Taylor's for them very very convenient (longer hours than most bridal shops, better prices, and she could combine with other errands she was running.)

AlDubya-- good luck to you guys-- and you are right, planning ahead will minimize the craziness as long as you are prepared for there to be something that goes wrong that day-- something you hopefully will not even notice.

 

[AlDubya]

AlDubya-- good luck to you guys-- and you are right, planning ahead will minimize the craziness as long as you are prepared for there to be something that goes wrong that day-- something you hopefully will not even notice.

Thank you very much.

Yep, I'm pretty much expecting something to go wrong. Of course, I fully expect to make fun of that something going wrong after it happens. Sometimes it's those mistakes that make the wedding day more fun... even more so than if the mistake hadn't have been made.

Once the wedding day has come, it's time to relax and let things just happen. No need to ruin your day by worrying about every little detail at that point. It will either go off without a hitch, or it won't. Either way, you'll still be getting married to the one you love.

 

[Gradar1]

I'm not exactly sure how many kids will be coming to my wedding, I couldn't imagine my day without my baby sister, Anna. She'll be 12 by the time the day rolls around, so fortunately, she'll be a bit older. If enough children are making the trip with their parents, then I'll definitely put on a kids party during the reception--just so everyone can enjoy themselves, and the kids aren't bugging their parents, and they can do fun things besides being on their best behavior. But it's everyone's choice--there is nothing wrong with having an adults-only wedding/reception--and it's ok to have that at Disney, just make sure that you offer an alternative for the parents who have to come with kids--whether it's in room baby-sitting, a kids party, or whatever! Personally, most of the weddings of my friends are adults-only, and I only went to two weddings as a child--once I was the flower girl, and the other time was for my cousin. It never hurt my feelings that I wasn't invited to the weddings my parents went to--kids are very resilient about that.

 

[ItGirl753]

Lil Lady Katy -- Well said! Daddy and Katy's Day!

Suffolk Princess -- I love your bridesmaids' day. That's great!

To the OP, I agree with Gradar1 that if you have a lot of kids, you should offer an alternative since it is a destination wedding. Have you talked to the parents? I have a lot of kids on the list and would have no problem calling them and discussing options before making a decision. Good luck! Who knows, when I get into heavy planning, I may decide to look into other options too.

Is the OP even around anymore? I have also seen some really mean things, and been treated poorly on other forums when I asked a simple question. I like this forum the best, but this did get so mean! I haven't seen one get this mean since winter, and people left with hurt feelings.

I hope we can move on to bigger and better things!

 

[Tink-n-Belle]

My cousin got married in March in New York City and invited all the kids. The kids were in a separate room (across the hall from the main reception room) and had their own buffet, coloring books (the crayola ones that only paint on the paper- brilliant idea) and they had an entertainer for the whole reception. It worked out perfectly. The kids got to see the Bride and they all stayed in the room because it was more fun. they had a better time then me!!! It was great for us parents too because everyone got to bring the kids. Our family is all over the country and everyone came to the wedding. It was so nice to meet all the kids and the kids meet their distant cousins.

She also got married at St Patricks Cathederal while tours were going on. No distractions!!! They had tour groups walking in and out and the only thing that matter was the bride & groom. It was a beautiful wedding.

IMO, you can't have a destination wedding without providing for the kids. You can flame me but I wouldn't go. In fact my Step-niece just got married last week and the kids were not invited. This is the same Step -niece who has been to my home many times with numerous boyfriends for holidays and parties. My Dh went with his 90 year old grandparents (wonderful people). I stayed home and had a pool party!! Had a much better time.

Once you have children you'll understand, my kids have been to 3 weddings in the past 2 years and they had a ball. It was a great chance to meet Aunts and Uncles and cousins who you don't get to see very often. Without inviting the kids, no one gets to know your kids. People who are my relatives wouldn't know my kids if they saw them on the street. My mother came from a huge family and we were only 2nd cousins so we never got invited to any of the weddings- which is understandable - you can't invite all the kids. But I feel I missed out on so much.

What makes me laugh is that the next invitation I receive from them will be a invitation for a BABY shower-- I'm suppose to help celebrate their child when they chose not to celebrate with mine.

As other poster have said, a wedding is the merging of Two families. 10 years from now your friends will all be different, but the family will always be there.