No funeral -Would this upset you?

[bumbershoot]

I could never tell people how they should grieve after my death. Just because I don't get anything out of a funeral, doesn't mean no one else does. Once I'm dead why in the world should it matter to me how the remaining people are grieving? I would never ask them or tell them not to do something that might give them comfort.

You at least need to tell them *that*, though.

I even went so far as to tell them to call my former BIL immediately upon my death - who has a brother that works at one of the local crematoriums - so that my body can be transported directly there - cutting out the cost of the "middleman" (funeral director)..

Have you contacted the crematorium, to see if you can simply have that arranged, without needing to call a specific person (what if he goes on vacation, for instance)?

Here in Tacoma there's a crematorium, and you dont' have to use a funeral home at all. They have a set fee, plus extras. Transportation from home or hospital is included in the set fee. Could NOT have been easier when FIL died. OK well it could have been easier if he'd paid the Neptune Society when he contacted them (just weeks before he went into the hospital, how weird is that), but he didn't, so we just contacted the crematorium. For an extra fee, they even got the permits once the weather cleared, and took him out on a boat to scatter his ashes (he was a lifelong sailor), so that the family didn't have to rent a boat, etc.




I wouldn't mind a funeral/wake, but my earthly remains will NOT be there. I have NO interest in scarring young children in that way, and I'm quite sure that there will be no "old" people there for whom that might be tradition.

The main problem that I have with the idea of not caring one way or the other is that if the spouse doesn't want a funeral but the other family does, the spouse might end up being forced to do something. Or it might be arranged by someone who would do something you would have hated to be a part of.

My mom was an interesting person with many religious feelings. She had Buddhas in the house, she meditated with a mantra given to her in person by the maharishi, she believed in heaven AND reincarnation, she was a Christian but also was part of Jews for Jesus. They had JUST started going to a new church (they changed churches a lot) and the pastor didn't know her at all...stepdad was always far more religious than she was, and they created a funeral that completely destroyed me and hurt my brother...she had found religion after we were already adults, we were not raised with it. And I'm quite sure that she would never EVER have wanted a funeral that would have hurt me, let alone hurt me to the point where I was about to run up and murder the pastor for the ugly things he was saying. It was only the fact that he didn't know my mom, and especially didn't know her children, that kept me from doing it.

I would HATE for some random family member to create a funeral for me that would alienate my husband or son...that would cause a horrible feeling like that.


I was left with a gaping wound from that funeral. I still want a "do-over", to create my own memorial service in a way I feel she would have liked...but it's been too long now, DH and I would be the only ones on the guest list, and he didn't even know my mom.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm a person who is comforted by the process of a wake/funeral. I think it brings home the reality of the passing and gives you a few days to get your thoughts together and feel like you've been given the chance, one last time, to say goodbye and pay homage to the deceased. I guess I'm a selfish only child, but I want a wake and funeral. Since I'm leaving the money for it, I want a nice casket, flowers, service, etc. I had a friend whose mom passed when she was young, and her father forbid her from attending the wake/funeral. She never felt a closer and always secretly thought her mom was living elsewhere, since her mom had been sick with cancer and hadn't been home for some time anyway.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that there's some disagreement here as to what a funeral is. By my definition, the "funeral" is a religious service (may or may not be in a church), that culminates in a burial if cremation is not chosen.

To me, it sounds like what many of you are calling a funeral is actually what the funeral industry calls the visitation; involving a casket in a funeral home, and people milling around "visiting" after paying their respects. Catholics will sometimes have a second religious service at this time; having a priest in to lead the mourners in a recitation of the Rosary.

A wake normally takes place after the interment, and is seldom held at a funeral home; normally at the home of the deceased unless there isn't enough room there. People bring food and visit with the family while reminiscing. We Irish like to make a party of it, in honor of the passing of the deceased to a "better place" -- however one likes to define that.

 

[Bluestars]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

I feel the same way. I have never felt comforted at a funeral. They are like torture to me. I hope my family has me cremated immediately. They can do whatever they want with my ashes.

I know of a family who had their mother, (per her wishes) cremated as soon as they could, and they had their own small gathering at a place outdoors that was special to the family. It was just immediate family. I thought that was perfect.

In answer to your question, I would have no issue with a request of no funeral.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think that there's some disagreement here as to what a funeral is. By my definition, the "funeral" is a religious service (may or may not be in a church), that culminates in a burial if cremation is not chosen.

To me, it sounds like what many of you are calling a funeral is actually what the funeral industry calls the visitation; involving a casket in a funeral home, and people milling around "visiting" after paying their respects. Catholics will sometimes have a second religious service at this time; having a priest in to lead the mourners in a recitation of the Rosary.

A wake normally takes place after the interment, and is seldom held at a funeral home; normally at the home of the deceased unless there isn't enough room there. People bring food and visit with the family while reminiscing. We Irish like to make a party of it, in honor of the passing of the deceased to a "better place" -- however one likes to define that.

Where I'm from in NJ, the visitation is referred to as the wake and the funeral is the church service. Interment is at the cemetary.

 

[Silent1CB]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/world/americas/19grave.html?hpw

 

[snarlingcoyote]

See the thing is. . .at my funeral, I'll be DEAD. I won't know what goes on or who does it.

That said, I've tried to make sure that if I were to pass, everyone knows where the money goes, what to do with anything of value etc. simply because it would make it easier on my DH. OTOH, I won't know what he does, so he may well choose to totally disregard my wishes. Vice versa applies.

So for myself? I have no clue and honestly don't care. I won't be here to worry about it.

For those that I love? For my MIL we had a traditional funeral. It was warm and loving and reminded us all of why we loved her. The open casket gave her friends a chance to see her one last time; it also reminded us that she was gone and passed.

 

[Tink888]

I'm of the opinion that funerals are a big fat waste of money.So did my parents.In each of their wills they specified cremation,and,I quote from both the wills "to do the cremation service as cheaply as possible."We did.I want to be cremated,and people can have a wonderful party celebrating my life.No burial,vase,etc.Compost me for all I care.

I feel that way too.

This is how I feel too. I have a hard time at funerals, viewing the body part. I would rather remember the person alive and happy. I wish funerals were more of a celebration of someones life than having to be sad and crying at knowing they are laying there lifeless for everyone to see. To watch video and see pics and celebrate with stories, etc.

I couldn't look at my grandpa in the casket for these reasons. And us being catholic, funerals seem to be a big-to-do around here.

I know so many people who feel like you do. The viewing of the body never bothered me (though I agree, the person never looks like the person you remember). I think my discomfort/stress stems from me being by nature a very private person. I remember when I was 16 and my Grandma passed. I had gone up to view the body and I started to tear up. I just kind of froze there for a minute. My aunt came over to comfort me and I know she meant well but it made it worse. I just feel with funerals/visitations that I can't really mourn, I have to hold it together, make small talk, etc. when that is the last thing I want to be doing. And it scares me to lose my composure in front of people, especially people I'm not close to if that makes any sense.

I agree that funerals are for the living, or even the lack of one.

My parents pre-planned/paid for their funerals several years ago. Dad died 2 years ago and Mom had the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral, graveside service, and big dinner at the church (I don't "get" the dinner thing either). It was so hard on her, and I hated every single minute of it. But it "had" to be done. For who? Dad didn't know what was being done. And it just put Mom and I through more stress that we really didn't need at that time.

That is how I feel. What is the point of going through that just because it's "customary" (for lack of a better word), unless that is what the deceased person wanted.

My mom was an interesting person with many religious feelings. She had Buddhas in the house, she meditated with a mantra given to her in person by the maharishi, she believed in heaven AND reincarnation, she was a Christian but also was part of Jews for Jesus. They had JUST started going to a new church (they changed churches a lot) and the pastor didn't know her at all...stepdad was always far more religious than she was, and they created a funeral that completely destroyed me and hurt my brother...she had found religion after we were already adults, we were not raised with it. And I'm quite sure that she would never EVER have wanted a funeral that would have hurt me, let alone hurt me to the point where I was about to run up and murder the pastor for the ugly things he was saying. It was only the fact that he didn't know my mom, and especially didn't know her children, that kept me from doing it.

I would HATE for some random family member to create a funeral for me that would alienate my husband or son...that would cause a horrible feeling like that.


I was left with a gaping wound from that funeral. I still want a "do-over", to create my own memorial service in a way I feel she would have liked...but it's been too long now, DH and I would be the only ones on the guest list, and he didn't even know my mom.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you went through that. And IMHO, if a do-over would bring you comfort, than it is never too late to do that, even if was just you and your DH.

I'm a person who is comforted by the process of a wake/funeral. I think it brings home the reality of the passing and gives you a few days to get your thoughts together and feel like you've been given the chance, one last time, to say goodbye and pay homage to the deceased. I guess I'm a selfish only child, but I want a wake and funeral. Since I'm leaving the money for it, I want a nice casket, flowers, service, etc. I had a friend whose mom passed when she was young, and her father forbid her from attending the wake/funeral. She never felt a closer and always secretly thought her mom was living elsewhere, since her mom had been sick with cancer and hadn't been home for some time anyway.

I don't think that makes you selfish at all. It's a personal thing and I don't think there's a wrong way for anyone to do it. I respect that. I just, for myself, find the process of it stressful rather than comforting. The time for me between the death and the burial just feels more like being suspended in time, in limbo.

We had a death of a small child in our family a few years ago. We had spent a few days at the hospital and were able to say our goodbyes there. It was all so incredibly hard. By the time she had died, the reality had already hit and all I could feel afterwards until the funeral was over, was just numb. It was almost like I couldn't breath until it was all over and it was then that I really started to grieve.

I realize it's not like that for everyone, just what it was like for me and of course, not every death of a loved one has been like that. It was just one experience that I've had.


Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories and thoughts. I appreciate hearing the different opinions and experiences you have had with your loved ones and the wishes you have for yourselves.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

My kids have instructions to cremate me and spread my ashes in my favorite place in the world, spending only what they absolutely have to. I would rather they spend the money on something good instead of trying to show how much they love me with stuff I won't care about when I'm gone.

 

[jlima]

My grandmother (my mom's mom) left directions for no funeral; and she wanted to be cremated and buried next to my grandfather. But . . . family, friends, etc wanted to show their respects and honor her in some way. Complicating this was the time frame; she passed in January and my sister was getting married in May and there were aunts, uncles, cousins etc who had already made plans to travel for the wedding. What they ended up doing was having a memorial service for her on the Thursday before the wedding. It was well-attended and was a very moving and memorable service. Then the rest of the weekend was all about the wedding.

 

[Sleepy]

None of my family is religious. There is no need for a funeral. When someone dies, there is no need for makeup and clothes. We don't need an expensive casket or even flowers. We would have said our goodbyes long before any of that could be done. Reliving it at a family gathering in a funeral home and again at the cemetary is only added stress because your feelings are compounded by the grief of everyone else. Cremation and grief at home is far easier for us. We learned that when my dear aunt died (she had no husband or children).

 

[kaytieeldr]

When my dad died, my mom said, "no funeral, graveside service". When my mom died, we did the same for her; ditto for my brother. Partly it was the money - but aside from that, it makes more sense to celebrate/honor the life while the person is around to appreciate it.

My cousin, on the other hand, planned her entire funeral - from the plot, to the funeral home, to the music, to the police to keep certain members of the family away...

 

[Sleepy]

My cousin, on the other hand, planned her entire funeral - from the plot, to the funeral home, to the music, to the police to keep certain members of the family away...

Wow, she really had it planned if she had even contacted the police.

My grandparents had their arrangements finalized decades before their deaths (plots, funeral home, whether cremation or casket). Many times they took my brother and I to the cemetary when we were very small kids. There was a fish pond and we would feed the fish. They also showed us their plots and explained about death, etc. I know to some this is creepy, but I appreciated it in adulthood. They moved far away from that town and I never visited the cemetary again until their funerals a few decades later. While the funeral was very upsetting, I kept my mind on the fish in the pond.

 

[Pigeon]

I loathe open caskets. Just hate them.

I wouldn't be bothered with it at all. My wishes are for a private cremation and a huge party several months later, when my loved ones are up for it. No funeral at all.

I think funerals are a huge waste of money. Parties, on the other hand, are money well spent.

 

[wdwfan16]

I have only once know of a person who did not want a funeral or any other thing done when they died. The family did honor their wishes but after seemed so lost. They said they never got the closure that they needed. They were glad to honor the person's wishes but they said it was worse for them doing it that way.

 

[kimmar067]

I do not want a funeral or viewing. I am going to be cremated immediately...

...OMG I read this too quickly! I thought it said "..I am going to be cremated prematurely...."

 

[eliza61]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

Not at all, in fact I went to a beef & beer life celebration for a coworker who had died. It was a lot nicer than a funeral IMO. All his friends and family were there and there was food and a lot of "Scott" stories. I definitely think it helped his wife and kids who got to see how many people this guy touched.

I think I would like that much better.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Not at all, in fact I went to a beef & beer life celebration for a coworker who had died. It was a lot nicer than a funeral IMO. All his friends and family were there and there was food and a lot of "Scott" stories. I definitely think it helped his wife and kids who got to see how many people this guy touched.

I think I would like that much better.

I like that so much better!
Funerals are depressing.

 

[luvmy3]

See the thing is. . .at my funeral, I'll be DEAD. I won't know what goes on or who does it.

Exactly. My will states that I am to be cremated so thats what will happen, but honestly I couldn't care less what my dh or kids do with me after I pass, whatever it is, its for their comfort not mine.

 

[bookgirl]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

Nope, I have a friend and we has talked over and over about how we didn't want viewings and didn't really want a "funeral", some small gathering or memorial might be okay but no funeral.

6 months later her 21 year old son died in a drowning accident. Her and her husband were shattered. They could not emotionally cope with a funeral, and let thier family and friends know that they would not be having a service but that they preferred that everyone grieve in thier own way.

They just had to do what was right for them, and if anyone had a problem with it, then tough because it was thier family and thier loss and they were going to do what they needed to do. Three years later on they have begun to talk about Ty to aquaintances again. (she's been talking to a few close friends all along but the husband had a harder time). They have still have not had any kind of funeral. At this point they will not. They will not have ones themselves because they don't want the money spent on funerals, the estate will be a trust for the care of thier other son (who is autistic and dependant) and they do not want to waste any money on a funeral that could go to his care or to the eventual heir to the trust.