No funeral -Would this upset you?

[minkydog]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

I think "upset" is too strong a word for me. I would probably be bothered by it but I wouldn't say anything negative to the family. In my own family I think it would be more problematic. When my father died he chose cremation and a graveside service, no wake. Some of my sibs were alittle wigged out by the cremation and dad's GF was a little upset that there was no wake. But in his tiny town it is traditional to have a graveside service then go back to the house for an afternoon-evening of talking and catching up with the family. So that's what we did.

DH & I have decided we want cremation too. It's a lot less expensive and we won't be taking up precious land preserving bodies we'll never use again. My kids are 16 & 23. They are not totally comfortable with it. They don't even want to talk about it, which I think is pretty normal for their ages. I just hope they all have a big get-together with fried chicken, collards, pinto beans, ribs, corn on the cob and boiled shrimp. I told DH we could have a BBQ but the thought that might skeeve a few people.

When the time comes I don't know whether we will actually be cremated or not since the final decision will be someone else's. My mother is not in favor, nor is DHs entire family. They have always been buried together in a very old cemetary that is now in a very bad part of town. You really risk your health when you go visit, and so we don't go. Why be buried someplace that your kids can't even feel safe in? It doesn't make any sense. I told DH that when he goes I'm going to put him in a pot and strap him into the front seat so he can go camping with me in the RV. Eventually I'll probably dump him out someplace special--Yellowstone comes to mind. Then when we visit we can go spend some time with dear old Dad in a place we dearly love. What could be better and it's environmentally friendly?

 

[Squirlz]

My Father died last July. He was cremated and there was no funeral. The entire family was there with him from all over the country. We were not there expecting him to pass, but it was a blessing to spend a few days with him. That was better than any ceremony.

 

[minkydog]

You are attending the wrong funerals!

Here they involve videos, pictures, laughing, a few tears of course, telling stories, signing favorite songs, all with a bar in the back. We toast the deceased and all family and friends.

I do find it very comforting to have a wake and funeral. However since the dead person is DEAD, I think what the family wants is more important. For instance I would not chose a big elaborate send off - HOWEVER if I die before my mother she would get great comfort at my wake and funeral. I would NEVER, EVER tell her that she could not have that. After all funerals are more for the living than the dead.

You would have loved my dad's funeral. We had horseback rides for the kids and a galvanized tub full of beer. Plus all the pound cake, BBQ, cole slaw,chicken, and sweet tea you could stand. Gotta love a good Southern funeral.

 

[MM27]

I've made it clear to my family that I want to be cremated and I don't want a funeral or wake. My feeling is, the people that are closest to me see me or speak to me anyway. I don't need people standing over my body talking about how wonderful I was when they haven't spoken to me in years.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

My Uncle did not want a funeral. My Grandmother honored his request. He wanted to be cremated and he was. Some family members expressed that they were upset that they would have no place to go. My Grandmother (who lost her child) told them to go throw dirt up in the air and where they could go since they never came around when he was sick. I agreed with her. All of us were okay with it since we knew my Uncle's wishes. We didn't have any issue with it and my memories of my Uncle are all good. He was a great person even during his sickness. I personally am glad he didn't want a funeral. His ashes have been spread and I prefer to think of him being everywhere.

 

[C.Ann]

Absolutely no problems with that at all..

Ironically, I was just talking to my DD and her DH about this a few weeks ago.. They already know that I want to be cremated - and what to do with my remains (which will be divided) - but they didn't know that I would prefer that they not have a viewing/funeral/memorial service - or even an obituary.. All of it is a waste of money - "renting" a funeral home for a few hours - and obits easily running over $200 per day now - etc.. I even went so far as to tell them to call my former BIL immediately upon my death - who has a brother that works at one of the local crematoriums - so that my body can be transported directly there - cutting out the cost of the "middleman" (funeral director)..

An obit isn't necessary to let "others" know that I have passed on, because many of my former friends and family members are already deceased.. Anyone who is still alive can easily be contacted by telephone..

DD did ask if she could have some sort of gathering here at her house - at some point in time - and I told her I was fine with that.. I just don't want to see them spending wads of money on things that really aren't necessary..

Neither of them seemed upset - or shocked - so I guess they're okay with this line of thinking as well..

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

Both of my grandparents did not have a funeral. We had a mass and then went to the cemetary. It was what they wanted and also easier for us. My parents, my sister and I all agree that we also do not want funerals. We want to remember the good times.
I told my DD's that after I die, I want them to sell my house and use the money to take the best trip to WDW ever. I want them to celebrate my life with all our loved ones at the happiest place on earth. I really don't want them to be sad because I try always to like at the bright side of life.

 

[TangaroaTiki]

I agree with C Ann about the ridiculous waste of money on funeral expenses. No wake/funeral for me either. I hate those

 

[Tiggeroo]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/world/americas/19grave.html?hpw

 

[Disney Doll]

I derive a certain amount of comfort from funerals, but if the deceased did not want one, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'd grieve them in another way.

 

[Pumbaa_]

My FIL passed very suddenly. We respected his wishes of a grave side service only and it was a mistake. It was November and COLD. There were so many people that turned out to pay their respects. It would have been wonderful to have been able to talk to so many people.

I wish we had had something at the funeral home, no open casket, he was cremated but just visiting hours.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Would not upset me at all. It's a personal decision, in my opinion. There is no right or wrong answer.

 

[PattnFmly]

I wouldn't be upset, because it's their affair and I'd grieve in my own way. But, I do have to say that I appreciate the wake/funeral process. It just feels right, comforting, respectful and traditional. I've been to one service where there was just a memorial/photos/urn and felt kind of lost. To me, it was lacking something. But luckily it wasn't someone close so I got past it. Just didn't truly appreciate it.

 

[NYPDwife]

I don't want a funeral and I MOST definitely don't want a wake. I hate going to wakes and seeing people looking all bloated and plastic. I don't like the idea of being buried (I'm so clausterphobic, I can't even go under my bed) so I just want to be cremated and I'd like a small memorial for close family and friends.

 

[luvmy3]

Dh's mother did not want a funeral so we had a wake with a closed casket. The immediate family did get to have a viewing before the wake to say our goodbyes. She was cremated and buried in the spring with immediate family and the pastor of her church there.
My family is Irish Catholic, there will always be a wake and a funeral when someone passes.

 

[wenrob]

We didn't have a funeral for DMIL, she would have hated that. Instead we all gathered in MN (where she was from) had a small memorial, scattered her ashes, put on a big 'ol fish fry and proceeded to get hammered. All per her wishes. When I go I want the same kind of thing.

 

[spaceacewannabe]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

We had a small ceremony at the burial for family only when my grandpa died. He'd told my grandma, "If they want to see me, they should come when I'm alive."

 

[MIGrandma]

I agree that funerals are for the living, or even the lack of one.

Personally I think it should be up to the family to decide what kind of funeral to have, or not have, for the person who died. The person who died doesn't know the difference. I think if the family wants a funeral, fine. And if they don't, that's fine too.

That said, DH and I have talked about it and he doesn't care what we do with him. So, if he passes first I plan to have him cremated and put in a nice urn to have with me in the house. I feel it would be more comforting to have him here, rather than buried in the ground. And I would want just a short graveside service, a private one for just the immediate family and a few friends. Our son has a problem with cremation, but I would hope he would honor my wishes since his Dad doesn't have any of his own.

Now if I pass first, I couldn't care less what they do with me. If they want a funeral with visitation, fine. If they don't, fine. I won't know what they do, why should I dictate what "must" be done? It should be their choice, whatever they are comfortable with.

My parents pre-planned/paid for their funerals several years ago. Dad died 2 years ago and Mom had the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral, graveside service, and big dinner at the church (I don't "get" the dinner thing either). It was so hard on her, and I hated every single minute of it. But it "had" to be done. For who? Dad didn't know what was being done. And it just put Mom and I through more stress that we really didn't need at that time.

Funerals are ridiculously expensive, my parents paid over $16,000 for theirs. Money that could have been better spent in my opinion.

 

[SamRoc]

My wonderful father in law passed away in February. He lived in Florida with my mother in law. She came up to New Jersey where the whole family lives. We had a wonderful dinner and celebration of his life at a restaurant. Everyone who wanted to got up and spoke. My sister in law and daughter sang too, which was very sweet. It was a celebration and it was the best thing for our family.

 

[Pikester]

We did this recently when my mother passed away. We had her cremated, but we did have a "visitation" at a funeral home where we set up lots of pictures of Mom throughout the years, with her family, etc. My DD even set up a computer slide show. We had lots of extended family and friends come to that. A few people in the family (mostly older folks) did question why we children did not have a public funeral for her. But we decided it was our mother, our choice.

We had a private memorial with close family only, where we buried her ashes and planted a tree in her honor.

What you did sounds wonderful. I expressed doing something similar for my Grandmother.


My Grandmother passed over the summer and her wishes were to be cremated and just a very small gathering as her ashes were buried. No fuss, no big bucks, nothing. Those were her wishes. To this day I feel incomplete some how. I feel like there was no closure, no chance for friends and family to come together to express their feelings. Of course this is just how I feel and I do realize it's not all about me.

My DH doesn't care and I'm not sure what I want.