No funeral -Would this upset you?

[sbell111]

When my brother died, we had no funeral at his direction. He was cremated and we had a family get together (that he totally planned out) about three weeks later.

It's what he wanted and the planning gave him something to do other than be depressed over his impending death.

 

[perdidobay]

DH and I both want to be cremated. DH wants an "Irish Wake" type of party held for him at our local Irish pub, with a round of Guinness for all.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I don't like funerals and I don't want one for myself.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I agree with C Ann about the ridiculous waste of money on funeral expenses. No wake/funeral for me either. I hate those

ITA. The money could be much better spent.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I agree that funerals are for the living, or even the lack of one.

Personally I think it should be up to the family to decide what kind of funeral to have, or not have, for the person who died. The person who died doesn't know the difference. I think if the family wants a funeral, fine. And if they don't, that's fine too.

That said, DH and I have talked about it and he doesn't care what we do with him. So, if he passes first I plan to have him cremated and put in a nice urn to have with me in the house. I feel it would be more comforting to have him here, rather than buried in the ground. And I would want just a short graveside service, a private one for just the immediate family and a few friends. Our son has a problem with cremation, but I would hope he would honor my wishes since his Dad doesn't have any of his own.

Now if I pass first, I couldn't care less what they do with me. If they want a funeral with visitation, fine. If they don't, fine. I won't know what they do, why should I dictate what "must" be done? It should be their choice, whatever they are comfortable with.

My parents pre-planned/paid for their funerals several years ago. Dad died 2 years ago and Mom had the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral, graveside service, and big dinner at the church (I don't "get" the dinner thing either). It was so hard on her, and I hated every single minute of it. But it "had" to be done. For who? Dad didn't know what was being done. And it just put Mom and I through more stress that we really didn't need at that time.

Funerals are ridiculously expensive, my parents paid over $16,000 for theirs. Money that could have been better spent in my opinion.

ITA. I hate the "dinner" thing. I would rather just grieve privately on my own but that's just quirky me. I can understand why some people like to have the wake/funeral for "closure", it gives them comfort, fine.

I will write down instructions for my own funeral but if DH and the children do what is comfortable for them, ok. I have told DH that a Mass is fine but I don't want an expensive funeral and wake. Spend the money on the kids, give it to charity, whatever.

The "tradition" in both DHs and my family, and among most of our friends' families, is a big, expensive two-day wake with an open casket followed by a funeral service and of course, the obligatory dinner. This is followed by trips to the cemetary to put down flowers several times a year. Every time someone else is buried at that cemetary you have to visit the grave. Then there are the conversations about who is buried in the family plot and how much space is left for x number of bodies. If you try to break tradition, they give you a hard time.

I hate the open casket. I will "get on line" to say prayers at the casket, but I have a hard time looking at the deceased, even if it is someone I wasn't close to. I hate listening to the comments about the casket: "doesn't he/she look good/peaceful", etc. I limited my mother's wake to one day (I got complaints but I didn't cave in), that was bad enough. I caved on the open casket, though.

Another thing I hate is when people who barely spent time with the deceased while they were alive show up and want to sing a song or read at the funeral. It's almost like an opportunity to be in the spotlight. Oh well, at least they showed up for the funeral. But where were they when the deceased was alive.

Because I'm the last sucker remaining, I have been asked by the rehab center to preplan the funeral of a distant relative that everyone hates for good reason (sounds mean, but it's true) and I know the rest of the family will give me endless grief on what they want because it's "tradition" - open casket, etc. I will be paying for it, I know not one of them will chip in a dime but they'll expect a dinner. Wish I could just have a simple Mass, no music, short and sweet but dignified. I'll never get away with that though.

 

[jam217]

I don't want a funeral either and my brother thinks I'm crazy so I'm glad to see this thread. Rather than spend money on something like that I'd rather my son live life and go on a trip somewhere if that makes any sense.

However, I've also told my son that if he needs a funeral for me to get through his own grieving process then he's to go ahead and have one. I understand completely that it is something that he may need.

 

[DalGal]

My grandmother passed away just over a year ago. She requested no funeral, just cremation with interment of the ashes in her vault beside my grandfather. As a family, we decided to have a dinner for immediate family 2 weeks following her death. It was potluck at her house, just like holidays used to be before everyone got so scattered. There were 2 of the 11 children who did not attend because they did not agree with the decision not to have a formal viewing. After the dinner, we went to the cemetery and had a small graveside service. Two of her grandsons delivered the eulogy. It was perfect, what she wanted. One of the children who did not attend the dinner did attend the interment.

 

[Snoozan]

Wow - I was glad to see this thread out here. I just the other night reiterated to my husband that I was to be cremated(with my ashes scattered at the places I loved to visit most), but he better tell me what his wishes are as he's never mentioned to me what he wants. His family does the whole viewing with open casket, church service, service at graveside and a meal at a hall following. I just know that that it not what I want and probably wouldn't do it for him, unless he tells me that's what he wants. We're the type of people that hate to spend money unless it's something we really want, and trust me, I would rather the money be spent on something like a nice get-together or better yet, take a nice vacation! Guess I better put my feelings down so my kids/family know my wishes - and it will NEVER include an open casket.

 

[kathie859]

asked me one Saturday if I was busy and when I said "no", she told me to come pick her up. Being the dutiful daughter that I was, I did. We proceeded to the local funeral home where Mother picked her casket, dictated her wishes for funeral services and paid the bill When she died (several years later) no one had to do anything but show up.

On the other hand, I have told DH and both my adult children that I do not want to be "laid out". Just cremate my body or donate my body to science--that'll provide someone with a real laugh-- and have a get together and talk about my foibles and be done with it. Oh, and if someone wants to send flowers for the funeral--don't wait, please. I'll take them NOW!

 

[PelletierBears]

I wouldn't be upset, because it's their affair and I'd grieve in my own way. But, I do have to say that I appreciate the wake/funeral process. It just feels right, comforting, respectful and traditional. I've been to one service where there was just a memorial/photos/urn and felt kind of lost. To me, it was lacking something. But luckily it wasn't someone close so I got past it. Just didn't truly appreciate it.

I agree. I take comfort in all the rituals. In fact when my Dad passed a few years ago there was a several day delay between when he passed and the wake due to having an autopsy, etc but for me it was helpful. I know that would be torture for some (like my sister) and I appreciate that everyone is different. But for me meeting all his friends, the rituals by the VFW and Elks, the funeral Mass and "time" (what my Dad used to call the dinner after the funeral ) helped me thru the earliest stages of the grieving process.

Now having said that, I wouldn't force all that on own family. I don't want them spending money for an expensive casket, etc for me. Whatever they need and can afford they should do (I would hope for a Mass though). As others have said...funerals are for the living.

My sister must have stated 20 times during our Dad's service that she doesn't want a funeral or a grave "just bury me in the garden". It got to be aggravating cause she resented having to go through the ritual for Dad. Wanted to pick the least expensive coffin, etc even though that wasn't how he was. He was a Cadillac type of guy. There was no way I could see him in the low end model. My mom on the other hand totally the right choice for her...it just fits her personality . And IMO that's how a service should be...to fit the person. I'll respect DSis's wishes cause it's what she wants . (sorry for the vent about DSis...been holding that in for 3 years!)