No funeral -Would this upset you?

[Silent1CB]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

My aunt passed recently. She didn't want a funeral. Instead, there was something called a memorial. It was at a lounge of a country club she had a connection to. Some photos of her were there. They played music she liked. A slideshow ran on a laptop someone brought.

She had been cremated, but her ashes were not there. There had not been a viewing or a church service.

There was some food for lunch. Being in a lounge, there was alcohol for purchase.

She was a funny person. I think she would have liked it. There was lots of talk of her life & good stories. Not lots of crying.

 

[cheermom1]

When my grandpa on my moms side, they did the whole funeral w/open casket. I was 13/14 and DID NOT want to go up to the casket. Mom was completely fine with that.

During the service, I sat beside my aunt. She knew I didn't want to go up to the casket and had tried several times prior to get me to go up. When it was time for each row to go up and say a final goodbye, I stepped out of the row to let her by, but she caught my arm and started to "drag" me up there with her.

Now, I could have made a scene and gotten away from her, but I didn't. I thought that I could just not look. And that worked for the most part, but I still saw my grandpa laying there. And it wasn't the grandpa I remembered. This man was wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. I NEVER saw him wear anything up a white t-shirt and bibs. And it is such a lasting memory that any time I think of this grandpa, that is the image I first recall, not any of the better memories.

That is still a sore spot between my aunt, mom and I. Almost 30 years later.

you are right if that person wouldn't wear it in real life don't put it on them!

I wouldn't be caught dead is a dress ..LOL

 

[Docwoods]

I'm of the opinion that funerals are a big fat waste of money.So did my parents.In each of their wills they specified cremation,and,I quote from both the wills "to do the cremation service as cheaply as possible."We did.I want to be cremated,and people can have a wonderful party celebrating my life.No burial,vase,etc.Compost me for all I care.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, yes not my business. I also don't go for the burning thing but who cares what I think.

 

[dcentity2000]

I don't want a conventional funeral. I want to be cremated, a small religious service and to be scattered at sea.

I don't, however, want a burial plot to be kept or for my ashes to languish where people can be reminded that I am gone.



Rich::

 

[DebbieB]

If that is their wishes, then I'm fine with that. When my parents died, I think the visitation and funeral were part of the grieving process. People gathered and paid their respects. For my Dad, there were people who came who we never met before. There was a guy who would meet my dad at a fast food restaurant for coffee before work. He traveled on 2 busses to come to the funeral home. That really touched us.

My mom had a sort of rough death. She had breast cancer that spread to her liver and she went into liver failure. She was jaundiced and thankfully went pretty quick. I wouldn't want my last memory of her to be in her death bed. My last memory is how beautiful she looked at the funeral home. Many people commented how peaceful she looked.

 

[Silent1CB]

Did you read the NYTimes article this morning on Haiti. Lack of funerals is going to be very upsetting to their culture.

I don't get the NY Times, but I was discussing this with DH last night. Imagine sitting there with your loved ones one minute. Earthquake hits. One of you dies, and the other manages to get out somehow. The survivor manages to get the deceased body out to the road over time. Survivor has to leave to find shelter, water, food. Try to survive.

Survivor comes back next day to see if anything can be retrieved. Loved ones body is gone. No idea where it was taken. No proper goodbye. No wake or funeral. Never to know where the body is again.

I found that very sad & probably harder to deal with than the death part of it.

I understand it has to be done. I just feel terrible for all the people there.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I told DH that I was going to donate his body to science since he has a host of ailments and he may do some good to someone going forward. Then after I got his ashes back 2 years later I was going on a Disney Cruise and sprinkling his ashes over (don't worry everyone I would clear it with them first). So it's a win-win for both of us. We both get one last cruise together.

Oh and I would definitely have a memorial/party for DH. Yes, I would do the Catholic mass for his parents and my DD. But afterwards it would not be a staid luncheon. It would be a loud barbecue with steaks and beer! Everyone can tell their favorite DH story, remember the good times and all the stupid things that he and his buddies did!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

A dear friend passed away years ago from skin cancer. He explicitly told his wife and DH he did not want a funeral or a memorial service, he wanted a party. After he passed, his wife rented out a country club and we celebrated his life.

We did the same for my wife's cousin, who died at 34 of cancer. We celebrated his life. Every year since, we go to the beach on his birthday. He loved the beach...

 

[Tink888]

Did you read the NYTimes article this morning on Haiti. Lack of funerals is going to be very upsetting to their culture.

Just read it. I can't begin to imagine how awful and sad that must be.

I don't get the NY Times, but I was discussing this with DH last night. Imagine sitting there with your loved ones one minute. Earthquake hits. One of you dies, and the other manages to get out somehow. The survivor manages to get the deceased body out to the road over time. Survivor has to leave to find shelter, water, food. Try to survive.

Survivor comes back next day to see if anything can be retrieved. Loved ones body is gone. No idea where it was taken. No proper goodbye. No wake or funeral. Never to know where the body is again.

I found that very sad & probably harder to deal with than the death part of it.

I understand it has to be done. I just feel terrible for all the people there.

I agree.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

No, I could care less.

Now I do not share your feeling of finding comfort at a funeral because I do.

 

[barkley]

Interesting point. Are you saying then that you would leave your arrangements up to your family to make in a way that was comfortable to them?

I ask because if DH were the survivor I know that no funeral would be easiest on him but there are extended family members who would find comfort in a funeral. So, I guess what I'm kind of asking is wouldn't the needs of the immediate family come first as they are the ones most affected by the loss?

with the terminaly ill family member we are assisting there's been a request on her part for no funeral/service-that's just the person's desire. they have made it known to some of their friends and the friends have repeatedly insisted this should'nt be the way it's handled. i think it's rude of the friends to put what they perceive will be their own needs/wants ahead of what for a terminaly ill person can be a part of the acceptance of death process-making their OWN final plans.

in our case we will respect the person's wishes, and if the friends wish to organize (after the fact) some kind of memorial service that's fine. as a courtesy to extended family who might wish to attend i think it would be nice if they advised of the date/time and place, but i hope they are not offended if the immediate family who wish to respect this family member's wishes and not attend/participate/plan any type of memorial do exactly as the family member wished/requested.

 

[Liberty Belle]

No, I wouldn't be upset. It's up to the deceased and family. I have a different experience with funerals, though. Both of my grandmothers' funerals were very comforting.

 

[NotUrsula]

When DH' grandmother died, her son unilaterally decided that there would be no funeral. The widower (then 98 yo) wanted one, but his son blocked him at every turn; said he didn't want any of the estate spent on a funeral. (DH's dad was the other son, but he died thirty years ago.)

Grandma was cremated and her husband buried her ashes in the back yard. Six months later he became too ill to stay home and ended up moving to a nursing home 2 states away. It took us days of digging to find Grandma's ashes before the sale of the home could be closed.

Four years later Grandpa died, and again he wanted a funeral service after the cremation. Again the son blocked it, and so neither one of them got the dignity of a service. It was very odd to just have them sort of disappear with no real notice at all.

 

[clovergirl5]

It would be fine with me, since I share your feelings. I've never found funerals to be comforting either and I find viewings to be very creepy. I would rather remember the person the way they were when they were alive and happy.

This is how I feel too. I have a hard time at funerals, viewing the body part. I would rather remember the person alive and happy. I wish funerals were more of a celebration of someones life than having to be sad and crying at knowing they are laying there lifeless for everyone to see. To watch video and see pics and celebrate with stories, etc.

I couldn't look at my grandpa in the casket for these reasons. And us being catholic, funerals seem to be a big-to-do around here.

 

[disykat]

I've been to very few "funerals" and no viewings. Most people around here do burial services with just family and then have a memorial service afterwards. Sometimes the memorial is weeks later to enable all family members to attend. This is definately what I would prefer.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

This is how I feel too. I have a hard time at funerals, viewing the body part. I would rather remember the person alive and happy. I wish funerals were more of a celebration of someones life than having to be sad and crying at knowing they are laying there lifeless for everyone to see. To watch video and see pics and celebrate with stories, etc.

I couldn't look at my grandpa in the casket for these reasons. And us being catholic, funerals seem to be a big-to-do around here.

You are attending the wrong funerals!

Here they involve videos, pictures, laughing, a few tears of course, telling stories, signing favorite songs, all with a bar in the back. We toast the deceased and all family and friends.

I do find it very comforting to have a wake and funeral. However since the dead person is DEAD, I think what the family wants is more important. For instance I would not chose a big elaborate send off - HOWEVER if I die before my mother she would get great comfort at my wake and funeral. I would NEVER, EVER tell her that she could not have that. After all funerals are more for the living than the dead.

 

[rpbert1]

I know people who did not want a funeral, which is fine, there partners on the day of the cremation drove behind the van that took the remains to be cremated, but once they took the remains from the van they drove home again.
My mother died in 1996, and had decided many years earlier in the 1970s that she was going to donate her body to science which she did, took lots of pressure of the family for arranging funeral etc. as this was what she wanted.
Me , like a lot of others here, would like family and friends to celebrate my life, and go out for a meal and a few drinks to celebrate and remember it.

 

[HelenePA]

I didnt read all the replies but I did not have one for my dad when he died. He told me many many times he did NOT want that.. he wanted a party.. so that's what he got! The whole family had lots of fun. We rented a bounce house for the kiddies and had it catered. There were no to little tears that day lots of laughs.. the way he wanted it. Someone mentioned donating their body to science.. that's what my dad did I got his ashes back the day of his party.. freaky huh? They return them to you in about 45days. It was less that that for my dad.. and you'll get them in the mail.

 

[Minnesota!]

That's what we did for my grandpa. he was cremated at at some point the immediate family got together and had a nice dinner at an italian place. We had pictures of him framed on the table, and we toasted him. Simple, subdued, like him.

Then DH, myself, and my brother loaded up his urn and drove it to Cincinnatti to be buried next to my grandma in the family plot..