No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[mjkacmom]

How awful for the friends with smaller parties. When both my kids were making the graduation rounds, each friend got the same amount whether the family decided to throw a huge catered party at a venue, a barbecue in the back yard or several families went together to throw a party.

All my children's friendships were valued equally and I would never show favoritism by giving Billy $100.00 because his parents could afford an expensive venue and give Bobby only $50.00 because he could only afford a backyard barbecue. Giving preferential treatment to a friend because they throw a bigger party is unfathomable to me and my circle of friends. Around here, you give a graduation gift based on the friendship, not how big and fancy the party is.

Kids talk amongst themselves and it would be horrible for a child to know that his friendship wasn't valued as much because he didn't have a fancy enough party.

Um, no - because by the time they're 18, they have a sense of how things are done here. I don't recall how I learned the "cover my plate" thing, maybe from people talking about it? It's just something I knew, and from these threads, other people in my area know. It's not written in some NYC Metro guidebook. Also, talking about how much someone gave you as a gift is pretty taboo here, again, an unwritten rule.

 

[EMom]

In the South, it is not uncommon that if you give a shower gift, you do not bring a gift to the wedding. But then again, cash is typically NOT given as a wedding gift here. I had 3-4 showers when I married and if someone was kind enough to give me a place setting of china, heaven knows I did not expect another gift from them at the wedding! And that is often the sort of gift you get at your "big" or "main" shower. I had smaller ones (like the lingerie shower given my girlfriends) but at the big one attended by my aunts, cousins, mothers of my friends, etc., I was given china, flatware, etc. Very nice gifts. Then in DH's hometown, they had the same sort of shower for me. Again, we were given very nice gifts.

There's no way on earth I expected Round Two of Gift Giving at our wedding. And since giving cash is just not done, we pretty nmuch received wedding gifts from people who had not attended any of the showers. And that was the norm. Something else a person might do is give you a modest shower gift, then give you a place setting of china for your wedding, or vice versa. Then you get gifts for both, but not two HUGE gifts.

I don't think the "cover your plate" thing will ever catch on here. Until I joined the DIS, I had never heard of it. Plenty of us had to explain to the "cover your platers" that since discussion of cost is verboten, we have no idea HOW MUCH "a plate" costs anyway. I truly would have no idea if a wedding had cost the couple $50 a head or $75 or $100 or $125 or $200 or more. Obviously, I could tell a $50 a head from a $250 a head, but since sit down plated meals are less common here, we truly have no idea of what these things run. And trust me, no one will ever speak about it. So you give a nice gift, and you're done. If they have a $5000 wedding or a $50,000 wedding, it's their call. I know I won't spend 10 times more on the gift.....And I'll never know they spent 10 times more on the wedding.

 

[Disney Doll]

In the South, it is not uncommon that if you give a shower gift, you do not bring a gift to the wedding. But then again, cash is typically NOT given as a wedding gift here. I had 3-4 showers when I married and if someone was kind enough to give me a place setting of china, heaven knows I did not expect another gift from them at the wedding! And that is often the sort of gift you get at your "big" or "main" shower. I had smaller ones (like the lingerie shower given my girlfriends) but at the big one attended by my aunts, cousins, mothers of my friends, etc., I was given china, flatware, etc. Very nice gifts. Then in DH's hometown, they had the same sort of shower for me. Again, we were given very nice gifts.

There's no way on earth I expected Round Two of Gift Giving at our wedding. And since giving cash is just not done, we pretty nmuch received wedding gifts from people who had not attended any of the showers. And that was the norm. Something else a person might do is give you a modest shower gift, then give you a place setting of china for your wedding, or vice versa. Then you get gifts for both, but not two HUGE gifts.

I don't think the "cover your plate" thing will ever catch on here. Until I joined the DIS, I had never heard of it. Plenty of us had to explain to the "cover your platers" that since discussion of cost is verboten, we have no idea HOW MUCH "a plate" costs anyway. I truly would have no idea if a wedding had cost the couple $50 a head or $75 or $100 or $125 or $200 or more. Obviously, I could tell a $50 a head from a $250 a head, but since sit down plated meals are less common here, we truly have no idea of what these things run. And trust me, no one will ever speak about it. So you give a nice gift, and you're done. If they have a $5000 wedding or a $50,000 wedding, it's their call. I know I won't spend 10 times more on the gift.....And I'll never know they spent 10 times more on the wedding.

Well, here in "Cover Your Plate-Ville" we have a pretty good idea about the average cost of a wedding, since the majority of them are done at hotels or banquet places and so the info isn't a big secret.

A less traditional (for around here) wedding...one done in a church hall or something like that... a little tougher to gauge, but I usually go with the $75-$100 a head rule.

 

[EMom]

Well, here in "Cover Your Plate-Ville" we have a pretty good idea about the average cost of a wedding, since the majority of them are done at hotels or banquet places and so the info isn't a big secret.

A less traditional (for around here) wedding...one done in a church hall or something like that... a little tougher to gauge, but I usually go with the $75-$100 a head rule.

That's what I mean.....We don't have our receptions at the same sorts of venues in general. Yes, we do have hotel receptions, but also a lot of historic homes, park pavilions, vineyards, gardens, art galleries, B&Bs, marina, restaurants, etc. Even if you DO have it at a hotel or country club, the odds are high that it's not going to be a sit down meal with you choice of X, Y or Z. A buffet is much more likely. So it's darn near impossible to figure out what anything cost. I don't think I've ever been to a reception at the same place twice. Then you have the whole, champage only, wine and beer, open bar question. You just can't put a finger on how much was paid.

We had a second wedding reception/party in DH's hometown because so many of his family's friends couldn't make it to our wedding. I came from a whole different area of Texas and it would have been like traveling a couple of states away for those of you in the northeast. So the solution was a second party. No hotel or banquet hall. We rented the restaurant at a yacht club and had it there. They did the catering and since it was a restaurant, the alcohol was onsite. It was lovely, We had an entire floor, with a huge deck overlooking the water. I have no idea what my in-laws paid. But it was a great party and since my wedding was over and the pressure was off, I had a blast. Had we gotten married in DH's city, that would have been a good choice for a reception.

 

[dolcezena]

This whole thread has re-inforced my decision to ELOPE!!!!!!!!

My head would start to spin when I even began to contemplate how many of my relatives I'd tick off if I tried to have a small wedding. Not to mention, having to carefully brush off my mother's "help" at planning

Now, I'm worrying about throwing the perfect party, not offending/boring the guests, worriying about completely imaginary costs....

Yup - we're eloping

 

[luvsJack]

That's what I mean.....We don't have our receptions at the same sorts of venues in general. Yes, we do have hotel receptions, but also a lot of historic homes, park pavilions, vineyards, gardens, art galleries, B&Bs, marina, restaurants, etc. Even if you DO have it at a hotel or country club, the odds are high that it's not going to be a sit down meal with you choice of X, Y or Z. A buffet is much more likely. So it's darn near impossible to figure out what anything cost. I don't think I've ever been to a reception at the same place twice. Then you have the whole, champage only, wine and beer, open bar question. You just can't put a finger on how much was paid.

Just wanted to add: i am in the south too and historic homes are really popular to use for weddings and receptions here. But even if everyone you know uses the same house and the same caterer; they may all pay different amounts. Many are kin to the house owner and use it for free but pay the caterer. Others pay a discount on the use of the house because of some connection and are close to the caterer so get the food really cheap or even free (I know several brides that have gotten the catering for their wedding gift). And like you said it would be considered the utmost of rudeness to discuss the cost!!

 

[disneyjunkie]

I don't think the "cover your plate" thing will ever catch on here. Until I joined the DIS, I had never heard of it. Plenty of us had to explain to the "cover your platers" that since discussion of cost is verboten, we have no idea HOW MUCH "a plate" costs anyway. I truly would have no idea if a wedding had cost the couple $50 a head or $75 or $100 or $125 or $200 or more. Obviously, I could tell a $50 a head from a $250 a head, but since sit down plated meals are less common here, we truly have no idea of what these things run. And trust me, no one will ever speak about it. So you give a nice gift, and you're done. If they have a $5000 wedding or a $50,000 wedding, it's their call. I know I won't spend 10 times more on the gift.....And I'll never know they spent 10 times more on the wedding.

http://www.grandprospect.com/

Here's a link to a place that my son and I have been invited to several times.

I've attended 2 weddings there. My son attended a Sweet 16 there and his prom is there next month.

Every wedding I've attended here has been held in similar venues. Same for the 16 and 18-year-old parties my son has been attending.

I have no idea how much it costs to host a party at one of the paces, but I know it isn’t cheap. Therefore, we don’t give cheap gifts. That’s my personal rule, not one I expect everyone else to adhere to

 

[aprilgail2]

I have never heard of giving a gift when invited somewhere for dinner either.

Suzanne

Really??? I would never show up at someones house for dinner without some type of gift- I was brought up that way.

THEN we had my parents, brother and sister. DH had his parents, 2 brothers, 2 nephews, and SIL.
TOTAL at that wedding...116 people! SO, we (and other families I am sure) can not even justify having an open bar!

116 people is not a big wedding around here, I can't remember going to one that only had 116 people (other than that virginia wedding we endured- 90 degrees in a church basement!)- its all regional.

With a baby shower, I understand the concept (although we don't have theme here) because there's no 'after-having-the-baby-party' whereas it seems like with a wedding shower, you go to a small party and have to give a gift, then you're invited to the big party itself and then are expected to give ANOTHER gift

Maybe I'm just not that generous but I give one gift per event so I wouldn't be attending both if it were expected that I would bring a gift to both? I also don't see why the bride gets a gift for 'her'? The wedding is about the union of a couple so its the couple that the gift is purchased for.

We have stag-parties and hen-nights here though - where the groom/bride's friends take them out for a spectacular 'one last young, free and single night'. They can be anything from a nice sit-down meal to a make-up party to an all out night in a strip club. Each attendee pays their own way (often they pay for drinks etc. for the groom/bride) but no gifts are purchased.

OK- the "hen night" is a bacholerette party here and you bring a gift of wedding night type things to that one.

The gift for the "bride" is really not that- it is crystal, flatwear, bedding etc for the COUPLE, not just for the bride.

As far as the "after baby party"----well here we give gifts for the baby shower and then once the baby is born and you go to visit for the first time either in the hospital or at home you do indeed bring another gift, even if you have given at the baby shower- so that is a two gift event too- then add the christening 2-3 months later...another gift. And the nthe 1st birthday party which is typically a large event- another gift. So a baby is a 4 gift in a year year period LOL. Many people (me included) give a gift as soon as the pregnancy is announce- I will usually buy a frame that says "I love my mommy" and crochet a blanket up really quick.

 

[luvsJack]

http://www.grandprospect.com/

Here's a link to a place that my son and I have been invited to several times.

I've attended 2 weddings there. My son attended a Sweet 16 there and his prom is there next month.

Every wedding I've attended here has been held in similar venues. Same for the 16 and 18-year-old parties my son has been attending.

I have no idea how much it costs to host a party at one of the paces, but I know it isn’t cheap. Therefore, we don’t give cheap gifts. That’s my personal rule, not one I expect everyone else to adhere to

So, if I understand what you are saying here correctly; the person the party is honoring or the couple at a wedding does not expect to receive a gift that "matches" the cost of the party. Its more of the gift-givers expectations than the gift-receivers?

I would assume when people say that the custom is rude; they mean if the receiver is expecting $X for a gift. I have always been taught to expect any kind of gift is rude. When we have dd's birthday parties, for instance, the only gifts she expects are the one's she knows her father and I have gotten her. She will be the same when its a sweet 16 party, grad party, whatever and regardless of what the party costs. And it is the same for weddings. We have a wedding to celebrate the love of the couple; with no other attachments. If someone brings a gift, nice; if not its ok, being in attendance is gift enough.

If I thought my guests were trying to give a gift to match the cost of the party; I would always be worried that I was spending too much on the party. Whew! more stress!

 

[aprilgail2]

:
And yeah, I also take the venue into consideration when I give a gift. For the last 2 years or so, my son has been attending sweet 16 and elegant 18 parties. The amount of money he puts in the cards has varied based on the venues. I plan to do the same in June when the graduation parties start.

We even do that for kids parties here- if its just an at home party the gift is less than someone that has a party out someplace. Also if we can't attend a party the gift is lessthan if we had attended
I am dreading the sweet 16 parties- I have that AND her high school graduation party in less than a one year span! Most of her friends will turn 16 a year before her.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We didn't have any at ours. Our reception was in the church, though, and it was just a cake and punch reception. We were pretty broke at the time. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I wouldn't say they had a great time - it just wasn't that kind of affair.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I've never been to (nor personally know of anyone who has been to) any wedding that wasn't open bar.
I would find it strange to be at a dry wedding. For that matter I would find it strange to go to a dry gathering of any kind.

Really?! Wow.

Some of our close friends are alcoholics, so we rarely serve drinks anymore at our get togethers. Before we became close to them, we'd serve drinks whenever we threw parties (unless it was a child's birthday party).

Things must be very different here and where you are. I can't imagine never having been to a gathering/get-together without alcohol!

 

[dvcgirl]

I'm from the Northeast and so I've never attended a dry wedding. I've never attended a cash bar either, but have heard from others who have. They may not come out and say it's "tacky", but the fact that they even mentioned that there was a "cash bar", sort of says that's what they think. Otherwise, why mention it?

I think it's a regional thing. Dry weddings are the norm in the South. Weddings are also much less lavish affairs in the south with a ceremony and a simple reception in the church. The cost of the gifts are much smaller too. So it all sort of fits together.

Up here it's an event.....sometimes over the top if you ask me. I know many couples who have gone into debt big time for their wedding reception. I know parents who have taken out huge home equity loans to pay for this one day. That makes no sense to me. People give bigger gifts (usually cash) in the Northeast as well. And so I think that's another part of the "tacky" thing..... People feel like if they're going to give a couple $200+ for their wedding gift that it would be nice to be offered a couple of drinks during the affair.

Mostly though, the wedding thing is regional differences.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

http://www.grandprospect.com/

Here's a link to a place that my son and I have been invited to several times.

I've attended 2 weddings there. My son attended a Sweet 16 there and his prom is there next month.

Every wedding I've attended here has been held in similar venues. Same for the 16 and 18-year-old parties my son has been attending.

I have no idea how much it costs to host a party at one of the paces, but I know it isn’t cheap. Therefore, we don’t give cheap gifts. That’s my personal rule, not one I expect everyone else to adhere to

I always wanted to go there. How is this place? Everytime I see the commercials I think how pretty it is.

I know it is hard to understand the wedding culture in NY but weddings in general compared to other parts of the worlds are beyond over the top here.
There are catering halls where the bride and groom are announced and then they come in down a runway, there are halls where they come up through the floor complete with smoke ala Bon Jovi etc. We also have more food at a wedding than you can possibly imagine. Our cocktail hours are legendary! Then of course is the 5-6 course meal, open bar etc. This seems so grandeous to people outside of this area. This is completely the norm here. When you get invited to a wedding here you know what to expect. Even if you rent a mansion and have it catered. They follow the same theme. People have weddings at the aquarium here, the botanical gardens and mansions etc. Heck they all have catering packages!
When DH and I were getting married we used to joke that it was the most expensive party we were ever going to throw! We even thought about getting pyrotechnics!
What I am trying to say is that weddings here in NY are a whole different animal. When you are brought up here it is just part of your culture if you will. We don't ever discuss prices. We just know pretty much what stuff costs. The cover your plate thing is just something you know. Nobody ever tells you that is what you should do. You just do it.
I know there are some that say that we are ridiculous and maybe we are but we like it this way. I can also tell you that if you came to one of our weddings you would have a ball. While our weddings seem like super formal events they are really just crazy celebrations. We might be dressed to the nines but we come ready to eat and party!

 

[mjkacmom]

So, if I understand what you are saying here correctly; the person the party is honoring or the couple at a wedding does not expect to receive a gift that "matches" the cost of the party. Its more of the gift-givers expectations than the gift-receivers?

I would assume when people say that the custom is rude; they mean if the receiver is expecting $X for a gift. I have always been taught to expect any kind of gift is rude. When we have dd's birthday parties, for instance, the only gifts she expects are the one's she knows her father and I have gotten her. She will be the same when its a sweet 16 party, grad party, whatever and regardless of what the party costs. And it is the same for weddings. We have a wedding to celebrate the love of the couple; with no other attachments. If someone brings a gift, nice; if not its ok, being in attendance is gift enough.

If I thought my guests were trying to give a gift to match the cost of the party; I would always be worried that I was spending too much on the party. Whew! more stress!

That's it - it is the expectation of the guest, NOT of the bride. Again, if you don't live here, maybe it's hard to understand. Expensive weddings are the norm here, so no one worries about having a wedding that is to expensive. NO ONE talks about how much they give or receive - that would be tacky. And having lived here my entire life, and having attended many weddings, I've never, ever heard a bride mention the cost of the wedding, or any gifts she did or didn't receive.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I always wanted to go there. How is this place? Everytime I see the commercials I think how pretty it is.

I know it is hard to understand the wedding culture in NY but weddings in general compared to other parts of the worlds are beyond over the top here.
There are catering halls where the bride and groom are announced and then they come in down a runway, there are halls where they come up through the floor complete with smoke ala Bon Jovi etc. We also have more food at a wedding than you can possibly imagine. Our cocktail hours are legendary! Then of course is the 5-6 course meal, open bar etc. This seems so grandeous to people outside of this area. This is completely the norm here. When you get invited to a wedding here you know what to expect. Even if you rent a mansion and have it catered. They follow the same theme. People have weddings at the aquarium here, the botanical gardens and mansions etc. Heck they all have catering packages!
When DH and I were getting married we used to joke that it was the most expensive party we were ever going to throw! We even thought about getting pyrotechnics!
What I am trying to say is that weddings here in NY are a whole different animal. When you are brought up here it is just part of your culture if you will. We don't ever discuss prices. We just know pretty much what stuff costs. The cover your plate thing is just something you know. Nobody ever tells you that is what you should do. You just do it.
I know there are some that say that we are ridiculous and maybe we are but we like it this way. I can also tell you that if you came to one of our weddings you would have a ball. While our weddings seem like super formal events they are really just crazy celebrations. We might be dressed to the nines but we come ready to eat and party!

So, I guess if people aren't wealthy or they just don't want to go into debt, they elope? I'm trying to understand this.

 

[luvsJack]

I always wanted to go there. How is this place? Everytime I see the commercials I think how pretty it is.

I know it is hard to understand the wedding culture in NY but weddings in general compared to other parts of the worlds are beyond over the top here.
There are catering halls where the bride and groom are announced and then they come in down a runway, there are halls where they come up through the floor complete with smoke ala Bon Jovi etc. We also have more food at a wedding than you can possibly imagine. Our cocktail hours are legendary! Then of course is the 5-6 course meal, open bar etc. This seems so grandeous to people outside of this area. This is completely the norm here. When you get invited to a wedding here you know what to expect. Even if you rent a mansion and have it catered. They follow the same theme. People have weddings at the aquarium here, the botanical gardens and mansions etc. Heck they all have catering packages!
When DH and I were getting married we used to joke that it was the most expensive party we were ever going to throw! We even thought about getting pyrotechnics!
What I am trying to say is that weddings here in NY are a whole different animal. When you are brought up here it is just part of your culture if you will. We don't ever discuss prices. We just know pretty much what stuff costs. The cover your plate thing is just something you know. Nobody ever tells you that is what you should do. You just do it.
I know there are some that say that we are ridiculous and maybe we are but we like it this way. I can also tell you that if you came to one of our weddings you would have a ball. While our weddings seem like super formal events they are really just crazy celebrations. We might be dressed to the nines but we come ready to eat and party!

I guess all the movies with the big, huge weddings in NY are more reality than I realized!

Some of the weddings down here are pretty large events; just not all of them. Some girls and their families spend their whole lives planning and saving for the "big day" and some just don't put a lot of importance on it.

My second wedding was at dh's uncle's home (his uncle married us). We wore matching western shirts and hats; I wore a western skirt, he wore wranglers and we both wore boots. (dh is a former rodeo cowboy) After the very small wedding we all went out to the country music club we met in and partied all night! (the partying was at everyone's own expense) It was a lot cheaper, less stress and more fun than the first big formal affair!

DD is 10 and she and I already know that her wedding will be in Disney! But its more about the location than the size, cost, etc.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I guess I don't ever get invited to other peoples house, except my cousin and depending on why we go I might take something (a portion of the meal), but it is not expected. Now, I would take a gift to a housewarming, but not to a dinner, as that was not something we did growing up, I only thought rich people took hostess gifts, and I never really heard of that being done, except on tv.

Suzanne

A hostess gift for all invitations, followed up by a thank you note for their hospitality.

This is just how I was raised.

 

[disneyjunkie]

So, if I understand what you are saying here correctly; the person the party is honoring or the couple at a wedding does not expect to receive a gift that "matches" the cost of the party. Its more of the gift-givers expectations than the gift-receivers?

Yes

I always wanted to go there. How is this place? Everytime I see the commercials I think how pretty it is.

I know it is hard to understand the wedding culture in NY but weddings in general compared to other parts of the worlds are beyond over the top here.
There are catering halls where the bride and groom are announced and then they come in down a runway, there are halls where they come up through the floor complete with smoke ala Bon Jovi etc. We also have more food at a wedding than you can possibly imagine. Our cocktail hours are legendary! Then of course is the 5-6 course meal, open bar etc. This seems so grandeous to people outside of this area. This is completely the norm here. When you get invited to a wedding here you know what to expect. Even if you rent a mansion and have it catered. They follow the same theme. People have weddings at the aquarium here, the botanical gardens and mansions etc. Heck they all have catering packages!
When DH and I were getting married we used to joke that it was the most expensive party we were ever going to throw! We even thought about getting pyrotechnics!
What I am trying to say is that weddings here in NY are a whole different animal. When you are brought up here it is just part of your culture if you will. We don't ever discuss prices. We just know pretty much what stuff costs. The cover your plate thing is just something you know. Nobody ever tells you that is what you should do. You just do it.
I know there are some that say that we are ridiculous and maybe we are but we like it this way. I can also tell you that if you came to one of our weddings you would have a ball. While our weddings seem like super formal events they are really just crazy celebrations. We might be dressed to the nines but we come ready to eat and party!

I've never left a NY wedding hungry or without sore feet.

The Grand Prospect is beautiful and the food is amazing.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So, I guess if people aren't wealthy or they just don't want to go into debt, they elope? I'm trying to understand this.

Nope. We are not wealthy nor did we go into debt for our wedding. We just saved for it.