No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[paintnolish]

Quite a loooong thread. Didn't read the entire thing, but I did go to a "dry" wedding once where the head table and immediate family had wine on their tables, but none of the guests did. About 150 guests.

So we got to watch the wedding party have a good time. I thought this was VERY tacky. Especially since I know that for this family, $$ really wasn't a factor and they could have very easily provided wine for everyone.

I agree. It is all or nothing. While I don't think you need to have alcohol to have a good time, it is tacky for some of the guests to be provided it. I was in a wedding party once where we got open bar, but the rest of the guests got beer, wine, and a cash bar. I felt a little guilty sipping my amaretto stone sours while others drank box wine.

 

[goofy!]

They really are over the top This is the current menu offering from the venue where I had my reception. Page 1 and 2 are just the cocktail hour. That's followed by a several course meal. Usually 4 but mine mine was 5 with an appetizer, pasta, salad, entree, dessert plate and wedding cake.

http://www.themanorrestaurant.com/wedding_cocktail_hour_4.htm

By the way my father paid for my entire wedding otherwise DH and I would have had to make several adjustments

We also do big celebrations in NJ for first birthdays, christenings, communions etc

I don't begrudge others with their choices and customs. If the bride (and groom) is happy then the guests can suck it up and be happy for them.

We had our prom there (1976)

For all of those saying that the extravagant weddings were the norm in the area, I tend to disagree. I grew up in NJ and in a relatively well off part of the state. I grew up with the children of CEO's, senators and dads who worked in construction . (I only add that piece of info to show that these people could well afford the equivalent of today's $200 a plate extravanganza. FWIW -we were just average middle class ) I went to many friend's weddings in the 70's and was invited to many in the 80's (I was out of state by then). While there was a smattering of the over the top "Godfather type" weddings, most of them were good, 'ole simple family affairs, many in the backyard. I went to several alcohol free ones with just finger foods or appetizers. I even went to a few in the church fellowship halls with mints and punch. Yes, in New Jersey.

And back then, it was still the norm to actually give physical gifts to the bride and groom to start their life, so none of this cash for your dinner and drinks. It would have been considered the height of tackiness for a bride to plan their wedding, assuming that their guests would be contributing monetarily to cover their plates. Or even just thinking about it. You were more likely to get 6 toasters, 15 vases, 25 silver plated picture frames, and umpteen different pieces of crystal that you had no idea what they were for.

For my best friend's large Italian family, her parties were incredibly fun with all the food and wine. However, in her mother's case, I am not sure the flowing alcohol was such a good idea because we kids learned a lot about her dad's real profession (not his construction business). As a kid, you just didn't want to know that the helicopter circling over was actually the FBI

 

[feenie]

My roommate from college had her reception at an elementary school. They were on a super tight budget, but everyone was happy to be there and to be celebrating their day. I made a mental note that it's not something I wanted for my wedding and that was that. They were happy, that's all that mattered.

Hummm...This could be me!

We got married with 3 weeks notice (my dad got sick). We had been planning the big bash with the formal church wedding and big reception with all the bells and whistles (DH's family expects this ) for the next year. But when my mom called and told me that if I wanted my Dad to be at my wedding we had to get married right away.

So, my mom rented a space at the local elementary school, Made my dress (which made me look like Clara from the nutcracker, but I won't complain, she had 2 weeks) and we had a nice ceremony where my dad was able to walk me down the aisle (in his slippers) and give me away.
We had a pot luck, and no booze was allowed because it was in a school.
It was fine, the people that could come did, and everyone (except my inlaws) understood and were very supportive.
It was worth it to us, and knowing now what I know, I probably would STILL have a dry wedding since DH's family can get totally out of control when they drink. At one of his cousins weddings shortly after ours one of his uncles dove into the shallow end of the pool WITH the wine glass still in his hand. Brilliant. He went to the emergency room, and they had to close the pool area because of the broken glass. (it was at a hotel, and this was techinically after the reception, but still!)

 

[MarksMom2006]

When I think of a cash bar I think of a bar in the party room/area with a bartender available and list of drink prices posted. That's a cash bar and it's tacky, tacky, tacky.

I totally disagree! I mean, I have been to open bar and I personally had a cash bar at my wedding. It all comes down to pricing....I have a LARGE family (just MY side) of about 100 or so people (now, not 9 years ago). This was the breakdown for my family...
Moms side...2 grandparents, 22 aunts and uncles, 28 first cousins, 4 second cousins, 4 fiances (We cut the list at fiances because we could NOT afford more)...so that is 59 just on that side.
My dads side....1 grandmother, 1 great aunt, 13 aunts and uncles, 11 first cousins...none old enough to drink at the time...so that is another 23 people.
I literally invited 6 friends. Wedding party of 8 people.
Husbands side...4 aunts and uncles, 3 first cousins and about 8 friends.

THEN we had my parents, brother and sister. DH had his parents, 2 brothers, 2 nephews, and SIL.
TOTAL at that wedding...116 people! SO, we (and other families I am sure) can not even justify having an open bar!

I just came from my cousin's wedding in January...so this is 9 years later and a LOT more people. She had to cut the list at first cousins! As an update, on moms side now there are 70 members! (Yeah, Christmas is a TREAT...thank goodness for Yankee Swaps!)

Don't assume its tacky...its logical!

 

[Kath2003]

I just came from my cousin's wedding in January...so this is 9 years later and a LOT more people. She had to cut the list at first cousins!

I can't imagine inviting family BEYOND first cousins

 

[Mom2Nick]

I totally disagree! I mean, I have been to open bar and I personally had a cash bar at my wedding. It all comes down to pricing....I have a family (just MY side) of about 100 or so people. This was the breakdown for my family...
Moms side...2 grandparents, 22 aunts and uncles, 28 first cousins, 4 second cousins, 4 fiances (We cut the list at fiances because we could NOT afford more)...so that is 59 just on that side.
My dads side....1 grandmother, 1 great aunt, 13 aunts and uncles, 11 first cousins...none old enough to drink at the time...so that is another 23 people.
I literally invited 6 friends. Wedding party of 8 people.
Husbands side...4 aunts and uncles, 3 first cousins and about 8 friends.

THEN we had my parents, brother and sister. DH had his parents, 2 brothers, 2 nephews, and SIL.
TOTAL at that wedding...116 people! SO, we (and other families I am sure) can not even justify having an open bar!

I just came from my cousin's wedding in January...so this is 9 years later and a LOT more people. She had to cut the list at first cousins!

Don't assume its tacky...its logical!

I don't have a problem with people having an open bar if that is what they want and they are ok with it - but I would never do it and think just having a limited offering that you can afford like wine and beer or none at all would be a better option.

I had 202 people at my wedding with an open bar. Then again - I wasn't paying for my own wedding

 

[MarksMom2006]

I don't have a problem with people having an open bar if that is what they want and they are ok with it - but I would never do it and think just having a limited offering that you can afford like wine and beer or none at all would be a better option.

I had 202 people at my wedding with an open bar. Then again - I wasn't paying for my own wedding

Oh my God! LOL....

 

[ms.yt]

I personally cannot imagine going to a wedding - or any celebration - and not bringing a gift. I give gifts at showers and give gifts at the wedding as well. I have never heard of people not giving a wedding gift if they attended the shower.

I have polled all my female coworkers, and they all wholeheartedly agreed that they have been taught that you don't take a gift to the wedding if you've already given a shower gift. I know this must not be common in all parts of the country, but "around here" it's the norm.

 

[MarksMom2006]

I agree. It is all or nothing. While I don't think you need to have alcohol to have a good time, it is tacky for some of the guests to be provided it. I was in a wedding party once where we got open bar, but the rest of the guests got beer, wine, and a cash bar. I felt a little guilty sipping my amaretto stone sours while others drank box wine.

Similar note...I was in my friends wedding and when it came time for dinner the options were chicken or steak. Well, it turns out they just SAID that. Everyone got chicken with the exception of the bride's father. His thoughts were..."Im paying, Im going to have the good stuff!" I really wanted steak!

 

[mjkacmom]

I have polled all my female coworkers, and they all wholeheartedly agreed that they have been taught that you don't take a gift to the wedding if you've already given a shower gift. I know this must not be common in all parts of the country, but "around here" it's the norm.

I tried googling it, but I couldn't find anything that said it was appropriate to not give a wedding gift, even if you gave a shower gift. A lot of people here have engagement parties, but smaller gifts are given. It it rare to have more than one shower, unless someone holds one out of town. Not giving a wedding gift here is unheard of.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thank goodness I don't live in such a gift crazy area! Sounds like they are two separate events celebrating raking in as much free stuff as you can!

I understand people saying they would give a wedding gift if they just attended a shower with personal gifts for the bride, such as a lingerie shower. However, most showers in this area are just general showers, with gifts from the same registry that you would pick wedding gifts from.

Oh, we don't give wedding gifts from the registry, we give them from our checkbook! Is there another region where people don't give wedding gifts if they've given shower gifts, other than yours?

 

[M5ward]

I have been to a couple of alcohol-free weddings; one where the bride and groom were recovering alcoholics and one which was held in a church hall that did not permit alcohol. A good time was had by all at both.
We have planned receptions for weddings for three of our kids and have always had open bars; but it is really a matter of choice and in some cases finance.
I have never heard of not giving a wedding gift if you have given a shower gift. I live in the Northeast, and it isn't done that way here!

 

[onelilspark]

I have polled all my female coworkers, and they all wholeheartedly agreed that they have been taught that you don't take a gift to the wedding if you've already given a shower gift. I know this must not be common in all parts of the country, but "around here" it's the norm.

Definitely not the norm here. If I go to a shower, I give a gift there. If I go to the wedding, I give a gift there. I would never show up to an event empty handed. If I'm close enough to someone that I would be invited to both the shower and the wedding, I'm not going to cheap out. If I've reached my maximum for the wedding and there's nothing left on the registry, then I'll buy a gift card where they're registered. But I would never show up empty handed. I wouldn't be offended if someone showed up to mine empty handed, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important, but I wouldn't be that person.

Also, if I can't make it to the shower, I won't necessarily send a gift. If I can't make it to the wedding, I'm sending a gift.

 

[goofy!]

I most certainly have seen brides on here insulted because a gift didn't cover the cost of the plate! Silly me didn't think to bookmark it, thinking I'd never have to prove it later.

There was a thread not too long ago with a bride posting for suggestions on how to contact some guests at her wedding.

Apparently there were a few envelopes with less than the expected cash in it and she wanted to know how to approach the guests to see if somebody was stealing out of the envelopes.

Nice way to couch it, but it certainly smacked of the bride expecting a certain amount and "concerned" when there wasn't the expected $$$ in the envelopes.

 

[Alesia]

There was a thread not too long ago with a bride posting for suggestions on how to contact some guests at her wedding.

Apparently there were a few envelopes with less than the expected cash in it and she wanted to know how to approach the guests to see if somebody was stealing out of the envelopes.

Nice way to couch it, but it certainly smacked of the bride expecting a certain amount and "concerned" when there wasn't the expected $$$ in the envelopes.

Oh, dear God!!!

Surely that is one thing that we can all agree is beyond tacky!

 

[goofy!]

And yeah, I also take the venue into consideration when I give a gift. For the last 2 years or so, my son has been attending sweet 16 and elegant 18 parties. The amount of money he puts in the cards has varied based on the venues. I plan to do the same in June when the graduation parties start.

How awful for the friends with smaller parties. When both my kids were making the graduation rounds, each friend got the same amount whether the family decided to throw a huge catered party at a venue, a barbecue in the back yard or several families went together to throw a party.

All my children's friendships were valued equally and I would never show favoritism by giving Billy $100.00 because his parents could afford an expensive venue and give Bobby only $50.00 because he could only afford a backyard barbecue. Giving preferential treatment to a friend because they throw a bigger party is unfathomable to me and my circle of friends. Around here, you give a graduation gift based on the friendship, not how big and fancy the party is.

Kids talk amongst themselves and it would be horrible for a child to know that his friendship wasn't valued as much because he didn't have a fancy enough party.

 

[goofy!]

"Covering the plate" is a guideline. Generally, if I am going to someone's wedding, it's someone I like/love, I want to help them by not making them go into debt for my meal at their wedding. Frankly, if I don't care about them enough to want to help them out that way, I wouldn't go to their wedding.

But shouldn't a bride and groom throw a party they can afford? If a couple is going to go into debt if their guests don't cough up the "cover charge", then they are starting their new lives out living above their means by hosting a party they cannot afford.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Maybe you live in a region where customs are vastly different from the rest of the world, but I've never, ever heard of not giving a wedding gift. You can google wedding gift ediquitte, and I doubt you will ever find anything that suggests wedding gifts aren't necessary if you gave a shower gift. I've heard you have up until a year to give a gift, but never that you don't give a gift. Heck, you give a gift when someone invites you over for dinner!

I live in Alabama, and anytime I have gone to a shower for the bride, I didn't give again at the wedding. Never knew people did that. Why would you do that anyway I have never heard of giving a gift when invited somewhere for dinner either.

Suzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I tried googling it, but I couldn't find anything that said it was appropriate to not give a wedding gift, even if you gave a shower gift. A lot of people here have engagement parties, but smaller gifts are given. It it rare to have more than one shower, unless someone holds one out of town. Not giving a wedding gift here is unheard of.

People around here don't even have engagement parties. Inever even heard of one until it was talked about on I think Bridezillas.

There are are some gift hungry people out there, have a party for every little event.

Suzanne

 

[Mom2Nick]

I live in Alabama, and anytime I have gone to a shower for the bride, I didn't give again at the wedding. Never knew people did that. Why would you do that anyway I have never heard of giving a gift when invited somewhere for dinner either.

Suzanne

You've never heard of bring a hostess gift when invited to someone's home for dinner?