No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[Buckalew11]

So instead of a cash bar, it's more like a cash wedding.

Like you said, it's all custom. I'm a cheap SOB (or financial prudent as I prefer to think of it). I won't give $300 for a wedding to anyone to which I didn't make a direct contribution to their DNA (or adoptive equivalent). I'm more like a $50 gift guy. Maybe that cuts down on the number of weddings I get invited to.

Now if the bride and groom were having a frugal wedding and soliciting funds to pay down student loans or something, I might open my wallet a little wider. But to cough up $300 to help someone fund a grand gala, well, that's not what I'm working for.

You pretty much summed it up.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm amazed that this thread is so long!

I think that I'll just keep an open mind about weddings and try not to judge people too much. I don't mind cash bars, no liquor, nice gifts, not so nice gifts...whatever. Personally I'm just there to wish the couple well and the other stuff is just extra.

 

[mjantz]

No alcohol at our wedding. We both grew up in rural conservative communities in the heart of the Bible Belt & the reception was held in the fellowship hall of the church we were married in (not to mention I wasn't even 21 yet) so alcohol was not even considered as an option. My DHs family in particular is incredibly conservative & probably would not attend a reception where alcohol was served. I've never attended a wedding that had alcohol. Just call me a rural redneck!

After reading the many wedding threads my only hope is that neither of my children (I have 1 of each) decide to marry someone from the NYC area. I can't afford to cover that kind of ceremony! DD has her heart set on a Ren Faire wedding which I've priced & is pretty reasonable as long as her future spouse doesn't insist on having 150 of his closest friends & family.

 

[mjkacmom]

Of course, it is inappropriate to show up to a birthday party or shower without a gift, but not expected at the wedding if that guest attended the shower and gave a gift there. The guests at my shower didn't bring a gift to both and that was fine with me, I didn't expect it.

My mom's BF mother sent a second gift, but I didn't understand when she went one to the shower. My inlaws gave at the wedding, but they live out of town and didn't send agift to the shower. I actually would have preferred if my MIL had just forgotten all together, becuase she gave us some yard sale candle holders and a bride and groom beanie babies (some wedding gift)





I know some people that request no gift to a birthday party as they don't need/want anything and I have even seen a request for a charitable donation for birthday's and even weddings.

Why should the bride be hurt, she shouldn't expect somone to show up with a gift, especially if that person attended a shower for her. That is one greedy bride that expects people to bring gifts to the wedding, you aren't getting married to get gifts.

I would have been just fine without any gifts at all when I got married, I had already purchased what I felt like I needed and had some things passed down from my grandmother. I wanted my guests to be at my wedding to share in our love not supply my household.

If you will read about wedding customs, gifts weren't always a part of the ceremony at all and some gifts were food or spiritual offerings, or a dowry. We have gotten past the real meaning of weddings, similar to commercialism of holidays.

Suzanne

Maybe you live in a region where customs are vastly different from the rest of the world, but I've never, ever heard of not giving a wedding gift. You can google wedding gift ediquitte, and I doubt you will ever find anything that suggests wedding gifts aren't necessary if you gave a shower gift. I've heard you have up until a year to give a gift, but never that you don't give a gift. Heck, you give a gift when someone invites you over for dinner!

 

[ms.yt]

Maybe you live in a region where customs are vastly different from the rest of the world, but I've never, ever heard of not giving a wedding gift. You can google wedding gift ediquitte, and I doubt you will ever find anything that suggests wedding gifts aren't necessary if you gave a shower gift. I've heard you have up until a year to give a gift, but never that you don't give a gift. Heck, you give a gift when someone invites you over for dinner!

Well, I've heard this my whole life. If you gave a shower gift, you don't necessarily have to give a wedding gift. Maybe that's regional thing, too, because that's what I've seen many, many people do in my area. However, I don't think we're "vastly different from the rest of the world."

 

[Mom2Nick]

Well, I've heard this my whole life. If you gave a shower gift, you don't necessarily have to give a wedding gift. Maybe that's regional thing, too, because that's what I've seen many, many people do in my area. However, I don't think we're "vastly different from the rest of the world."

I personally cannot imagine going to a wedding - or any celebration - and not bringing a gift. I give gifts at showers and give gifts at the wedding as well. I have never heard of people not giving a wedding gift if they attended the shower.

 

[crz4mm2]

I personally cannot imagine going to a wedding - or any celebration - and not bringing a gift. I give gifts at showers and give gifts at the wedding as well. I have never heard of people not giving a wedding gift if they attended the shower.

Me too. I have never went to a celebration with no gift in hand.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I personally cannot imagine going to a wedding - or any celebration - and not bringing a gift. I give gifts at showers and give gifts at the wedding as well. I have never heard of people not giving a wedding gift if they attended the shower.

I agree. The shower is a completely separate event. Some people here even have engagement parties. Again, separate party, separate gift.

 

[horseshowmom]

Well, I've heard this my whole life. If you gave a shower gift, you don't necessarily have to give a wedding gift. Maybe that's regional thing, too, because that's what I've seen many, many people do in my area. However, I don't think we're "vastly different from the rest of the world."

Same here. Until I heard about this on the Dis, I've never heard of giving a shower gift and a wedding gift. I'm happy to give a gift to the couple as they start their new life, but I don't see any reason to give them two.

And, as others have said, I don't see any reason for me to provide cash at the wedding to pay for their party. I doubt that most people would pick a wedding as one of their favorite things to do (we mainly go to show our love and support for the new couple), so I sure wouldn't expect them to "chip in" to pay for it (and we have one coming up in June).

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, I've heard this my whole life. If you gave a shower gift, you don't necessarily have to give a wedding gift. Maybe that's regional thing, too, because that's what I've seen many, many people do in my area. However, I don't think we're "vastly different from the rest of the world."

This is my experience as well.

 

[Camicar]

I was a bridal consultant and until this moment, I have never before heard of a 'custom' stating that if you give a shower gift you do not give a wedding gift. A wedding and a shower are two events, therefore two gifts.

Personally, I cannot imagine attending a wedding or a birthday party or a shower with giving a gift unless I was so poor I truly could not afford it.... but the truth is, when I was so poor I couldn't afford gifts, I did not attend parties where gifts were customary. I would have felt very negatively about myself.

 

[fey_spirit]

I think part of it (for me anyway) might be that I see the shower gift as a gift for me, and the wedding gift as a gift for us. The shower gift is for the bride - the wedding gift is for the couple.

Same here. Until I heard about this on the Dis, I've never heard of giving a shower gift and a wedding gift. I'm happy to give a gift to the couple as they start their new life, but I don't see any reason to give them two.

And, as others have said, I don't see any reason for me to provide cash at the wedding to pay for their party. I doubt that most people would pick a wedding as one of their favorite things to do (we mainly go to show our love and support for the new couple), so I sure wouldn't expect them to "chip in" to pay for it (and we have one coming up in June).

 

[Kath2003]

The whole wedding shower thing seems very odd to me. You're going to buy a wedding gift but you also have a party where you give the bride gifts for her wedding?!

With a baby shower, I understand the concept (although we don't have theme here) because there's no 'after-having-the-baby-party' whereas it seems like with a wedding shower, you go to a small party and have to give a gift, then you're invited to the big party itself and then are expected to give ANOTHER gift

Maybe I'm just not that generous but I give one gift per event so I wouldn't be attending both if it were expected that I would bring a gift to both? I also don't see why the bride gets a gift for 'her'? The wedding is about the union of a couple so its the couple that the gift is purchased for.

We have stag-parties and hen-nights here though - where the groom/bride's friends take them out for a spectacular 'one last young, free and single night'. They can be anything from a nice sit-down meal to a make-up party to an all out night in a strip club. Each attendee pays their own way (often they pay for drinks etc. for the groom/bride) but no gifts are purchased.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The whole wedding shower thing seems very odd to me. You're going to buy a wedding gift but you also have a party where you give the bride gifts for her wedding?!

With a baby shower, I understand the concept (although we don't have theme here) because there's no 'after-having-the-baby-party' whereas it seems like with a wedding shower, you go to a small party and have to give a gift, then you're invited to the big party itself and then are expected to give ANOTHER gift

Maybe I'm just not that generous but I give one gift per event so I wouldn't be attending both if it were expected that I would bring a gift to both? I also don't see why the bride gets a gift for 'her'? The wedding is about the union of a couple so its the couple that the gift is purchased for.

We have stag-parties and hen-nights here though - where the groom/bride's friends take them out for a spectacular 'one last young, free and single night'. They can be anything from a nice sit-down meal to a make-up party to an all out night in a strip club. Each attendee pays their own way (often they pay for drinks etc. for the groom/bride) but no gifts are purchased.

The bridal shower is to help the couple set up their new home. Hence the shower them with gifts thing. A wedding you are giving a gift in celebration of their new life together. The same way you would give a gift for say a baby shower and then for the baptism. They are two separate events celebrating two different things.

 

[ms.yt]

The bridal shower is to help the couple set up their new home. Hence the shower them with gifts thing. A wedding you are giving a gift in celebration of their new life together. The same way you would give a gift for say a baby shower and then for the baptism. They are two separate events celebrating two different things.

Thank goodness I don't live in such a gift crazy area! Sounds like they are two separate events celebrating raking in as much free stuff as you can!

I understand people saying they would give a wedding gift if they just attended a shower with personal gifts for the bride, such as a lingerie shower. However, most showers in this area are just general showers, with gifts from the same registry that you would pick wedding gifts from.

 

[Kath2003]

The bridal shower is to help the couple set up their new home. Hence the shower them with gifts thing. A wedding you are giving a gift in celebration of their new life together. The same way you would give a gift for say a baby shower and then for the baptism. They are two separate events celebrating two different things.

What about the huge number of couples that live together before marriage? They already have a home set up together. Then the bride gets another shower for the same thing?

Personally I think the number of occasions when a gift is 'expected' is obscene anyway, bridal showers just seem to be yet another excuse.

 

[Inigo]

The whole wedding shower thing seems very odd to me. You're going to buy a wedding gift but you also have a party where you give the bride gifts for her wedding?!
QUOTE]

I refused to have any bridal showers with gifts. I told everyone the only way I would attend, as the future bride, was if everyone agreed to no gifts.

I hate bridal showers! Why not just call people up and demand presents be given to you?

 

[ms.yt]

Again, this must be a regional difference. Here in my neck of the south, people often have multiple showers, with some people being invited to more than one. Maybe that's why gifts at the wedding aren't really the norm here. I've been to many weddings were there were just a couple of gifts given at the event because just about everybody had been to at least one shower for the couple. People typically have houseware/general showers, recipe showers, lingerie showers, handyman showers for the guys, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some common ones. Is this not the practice everywhere?

 

[Mom2Nick]

Again, this must be a regional difference. Here in my neck of the south, people often have multiple showers, with some people being invited to more than one. Maybe that's why gifts at the wedding aren't really the norm here. I've been to many weddings were there were just a couple of gifts given at the event because just about everybody had been to at least one shower for the couple. People typically have houseware/general showers, recipe showers, lingerie showers, handyman showers for the guys, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some common ones. Is this not the practice everywhere?

In the North it's VERY unusual for actual packaged gifts to be given at the wedding. The norm up here is cash/check gifts etc.

We only typically have one shower - but on occasion there might be more then one but it would never be for the same crowd and nobody I know goes to 2 showers for the same bride. IE one might be a small in office work shower thrown by some co-workers but the main shower is typically for family and very close friends etc and that is thrown by the bridesmaids.

 

[cascarlet]

Quite a loooong thread. Didn't read the entire thing, but I did go to a "dry" wedding once where the head table and immediate family had wine on their tables, but none of the guests did. About 150 guests.

So we got to watch the wedding party have a good time. I thought this was VERY tacky. Especially since I know that for this family, $$ really wasn't a factor and they could have very easily provided wine for everyone.