No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[JandJ]

And I don't know if it's because alcohol seems to be at all events, but I've yet to witness anyone getting totally drunk at a wedding.

You're lucky if you've never seen drunk people at a wedding. I had the misfortune of being a bridesmaid for my friend several years ago. They had an open bar and three of the guests and the Maid of Honor got very, very drunk. The MOH gave some rambling toast that made no sense because she was plastered. Then she got into a fight with her drunk date and the police were called to the reception hall! Then one of the girls who was wasted threw up on the floor and the bride walked through it, not realizing someone had just thrown up in the middle of the floor, and got it on her gown Another of the drunkards threw up in the parking lot. These were not 21 year olds, they were in their late 20's/early 30's. It was insane!

If it's a question of open bar vs. cash bar vs. dry reception the bride and groom should just go with what they are most comfortable. I've been to several dry receptions (usually for religious/cultural reasons) and had just as much fun as an open bar reception (but I'm not a big drinker). People who matter to you and want to celebrate with you won't care that you're not serving alcohol. Personally, IMHO, a cash bar is tacky.

 

[fey_spirit]

How do you not take it personally when your friend/family member implys that they care more about booze then your wedding?

It's one night - if they can't get through one night without hitting the local watering hole - they need help.

I have been to several weddings without alcohol. There's nothing wrong with one and it's a personal choice of the couple just like what (if any) kind of cake to have. But, that being said, no dry-reception couple should take it personally if guests decide to check out right after the cutting and head to a local watering hole.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

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Most people give around $300 a couple here.
....

So instead of a cash bar, it's more like a cash wedding.

Like you said, it's all custom. I'm a cheap SOB (or financial prudent as I prefer to think of it). I won't give $300 for a wedding to anyone to which I didn't make a direct contribution to their DNA (or adoptive equivalent). I'm more like a $50 gift guy. Maybe that cuts down on the number of weddings I get invited to.

Now if the bride and groom were having a frugal wedding and soliciting funds to pay down student loans or something, I might open my wallet a little wider. But to cough up $300 to help someone fund a grand gala, well, that's not what I'm working for.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

If you're truly asking from an etiquette standpoint, then there isn't any controversy. The rules of etiquitte dictate that you do not charge your guests. Ever. If you can't (or don't want to) provide something, then you don't.

Technically, you are charging them for anything. You are contracting with a service that is charging them for something. Where do you draw the line? Can you have a wedding in a hotel that charges that guests for their stay? Is it OK if the hotel has a bar in the room next to the reception that charges? Must the host cover incidental costs like valet parking? Do you get reimbursed for the tip?

I've never really understood etiquitte. I just try to be nice and don't sweat the details. If it upsets people because I, with the best of intentions, didn't follow someone's cultural rules, I see that is their problem not mine.

 

[Alesia]

But, that being said, no dry-reception couple should take it personally if guests decide to check out right after the cutting and head to a local watering hole.

Well, My MIL actually did do that.

It was pretty difficult for my husband to not take it personally.

She actually yelled at me because the reception was dragging on too long and they had somewhere else to be.

In case it isn't obvious, she was the reason we had a dry reception.

 

[MushyMushy]

When you have a party at your home do you charge for cocktails? Seriously, its the same thing.

If you're uncomfortable serving alcohol then don't.

Receptions aren't at homes and I don't see them the same way at all. If I were having a party at my home, I would allow my guests to BYOB, which is customary among all my friends. We each bring a bottle of whatever we want and contribute it to the "bar" for the night.

When you're having an event at a party hall, I think it's different, especially when the hall has a bar available.

 

[Alesia]

Technically, you are charging them for anything. You are contracting with a service that is charging them for something. Where do you draw the line?

It's mostly common sense, if you think about it.

Can you have a wedding in a hotel that charges that guests for their stay?

As long as the guests aren't required to stay.

Is it OK if the hotel has a bar in the room next to the reception that charges?

If it isn't part of the reception, then it's fine. You can't (and shouldn't try to) prevent guests from going to the bar next door.

Must the host cover incidental costs like valet parking? Do you get reimbursed for the tip?

If the valet parking is something that is provided especially for the wedding, then yes, the host pays for it.

I've never really understood etiquitte. I just try to be nice and don't sweat the details. If it upsets people because I, with the best of intentions, didn't follow someone's cultural rules, I see that is their problem not mine.

Etiquette really isn't that difficult. People use it every day. It only seems to get complicated when it comes to weddings. I think it's because people have a weird emotional attachment to weddings.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I would like to set something straight here. So many of the non alcohol/cash bar people seem to think that just because we (a collective we) serve alcohol at parties that everyone is getting ripped out of their mind and doing lewd things. I have never seen anyone do that at any event that we have hosted or been to that serves alcohol! We are not alcoholics. We can and do have plenty of good times without alcohol. None of us go to a wedding and say "Whoooopppeeeee! I am going to get so trashed tonight at the open bar!" We are adults. We look at liquor as part of the event the same way we look at the cocktail hour and the dinner and dancing. It isn't some magical thing that we are in awe of. It is simply part of the offerings of the event. That doesn't mean that everyone is a bunch of sloppy drunks drinking until they puke.

We offer alcohol because some guests might like a drink during the evening. We consider it to be a host's duty to provide comforts for their guests. For us - in our area- that usually includes alcohol. If you come to my home for a party I will put alcohol out in case someone wants a drink. I rarely drink any alcohol. I still put it out in case someone wants something. I also provde a bunch of different sodas, juice and bottled water. I as a host try my best to give my guests choices of things they might like. You don't have to put out alcohol to be a good host but here most people do.

This is the way we do things in our area. If you live in an area where a cash bar is acceptable then go for it. Here it is simply part of every wedding catering package because we consider it as commonplace as a wedding cake.
I am just so tired of the dry/cash people making comments that if they serve alcohol everyone will be fall down drunk and innapropriate or that we are sad because we can't have a good time without alcohol. None of which it true.

Am I the only one who would rather have the cash bar but lots of food? I don't fill up on cake and punch. My mother would also be mortified if I didn't have a full meal at my wedding. We are from one of those "feed them til they roll out the door" cultures. A cash bar wouldn't be too much of a problem, but no food and I think there would be a riot.

I vote for open bar and plenty of food. I'm also for a feed 'em culture.

No matter what the event, showers, Mary Kay parties, toy parties, kiddie parties, weddings... we offer our guest tons of food. We also have alcohol and great music. No matter what the event we're going to eat, drink and dance.

And yeah, I also take the venue into consideration when I give a gift. For the last 2 years or so, my son has been attending sweet 16 and elegant 18 parties. The amount of money he puts in the cards has varied based on the venues. I plan to do the same in June when the graduation parties start.

 

[perla75]

I really wouldn't care if I went to a dry wedding. I might be surprised to see no alcohol being served (as it's popular to serve alcohol at a wedding), but I'm not even sure I would question it. I guess I just don't care about alcohol that much.
& I certainly don't rely on it to have a good time.

Also, to me, a wedding should be catered toward what the bride & the groom want-it's their day after all. If they don't want alcohol being served, than so be it.

All that said, I think it's all or nothing. I do think cash bars at weddings are a bit tacky. If I couldn't afford an open bar, I would probably just supply champagne for a toast & that's it.

 

[Alesia]

Receptions aren't at homes and I don't see them the same way at all. If I were having a party at my home, I would allow my guests to BYOB, which is customary among all my friends. We each bring a bottle of whatever we want and contribute it to the "bar" for the night.

When you're having an event at a party hall, I think it's different, especially when the hall has a bar available.

Since weddings are generally more formal, It's really more important to be more generous than you normally would, not less so.

By the way, the best wedding reception I ever went to was BYOB. It was in the church hall, though. You can't really do that in a restaurant or bar, though.

 

[C.Ann]

Is it OK if the hotel has a bar in the room next to the reception that charges?

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Excellent point - which I think at least some people here may be missing.. Most venues have a bar that is located in a separate room from where the actual reception is being held - with the possible exception of a church hall or something of that nature..

So if there are several choices of "free" alcohol available for the duration of the reception it makes absolutely no sense to me for the bride and groom to go to another "area" of the venue and "run a tab" for guests who don't care for the free alcohol choices that are being offered in the room where the reception is actually being held..

Could just be the type of venues available in my area and out-of-state areas I have been to, but I have never attended a wedding reception where the bar was located in the same room as the actual reception unless the bride and groom requested it - in which case it was an "open" bar.. I'm going to be 60 this year - have attended numerous weddings - from the fanciest (over $100,000) to the backyard barbecue - and if a "cash" bar was incorporated into the wedding held in a venue, it was always in a separate room..

For the weddings that included a "cash" bar, I never heard one single guest complain - mainly because that had several "free" options available to them and if they chose to drink something else, they had no problem with going out to the bar and purchasing it..

I think - or at least I hope - that most people attend weddings because they want to be a part of a very special day for the bride and groom - not because they want free martinis all night..

 

[mjkacmom]

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Excellent point - which I think at least some people here may be missing.. Most venues have a bar that is located in a separate room from where the actual reception is being held - with the possible exception of a church hall or something of that nature..

So if there are several choices of "free" alcohol available for the duration of the reception it makes absolutely no sense to me for the bride and groom to go to another "area" of the venue and "run a tab" for guests who don't care for the free alcohol choices that are being offered in the room where the reception is actually being held..

Could just be the type of venues available in my area and out-of-state areas I have been to, but I have never attended a wedding reception where the bar was located in the same room as the actual reception unless the bride and groom requested it - in which case it was an "open" bar.. I'm going to be 60 this year - have attended numerous weddings - from the fanciest (over $100,000) to the backyard barbecue - and if a "cash" bar was incorporated into the wedding held in a venue, it was always in a separate room..

For the weddings that included a "cash" bar, I never heard one single guest complain - mainly because that had several "free" options available to them and if they chose to drink something else, they had no problem with going out to the bar and purchasing it..

I think - or at least I hope - that most people attend weddings because they want to be a part of a very special day for the bride and groom - not because they want free martinis all night..

Hmm - I've only been to one wedding with a cash bar, and it was set up in the same room as the reception.

 

[frndshpcptn]

So instead of a cash bar, it's more like a cash wedding.

Like you said, it's all custom. I'm a cheap SOB (or financial prudent as I prefer to think of it). I won't give $300 for a wedding to anyone to which I didn't make a direct contribution to their DNA (or adoptive equivalent). I'm more like a $50 gift guy. Maybe that cuts down on the number of weddings I get invited to.

Now if the bride and groom were having a frugal wedding and soliciting funds to pay down student loans or something, I might open my wallet a little wider. But to cough up $300 to help someone fund a grand gala, well, that's not what I'm working for.

Well, that's probably quite standard where you reside.

Here in the NY area, it's not.

Yes, if people have financial difficulites, NO ONE is going to blink an eye if they give a $50 gift. people are compassionate and caring about thier friends and they do understand.

But...if me and or my family have gifted you and / or your family in the generally accepted $150 - $350 range for your family events over the years(depending on closeness to couple) and you show up at my wedding with a toaster I am going to be hurt. To me (and this is clearly a regional thing), it would mean that you don't find me important or care that much about me - because instead of recipricating gifting standards that have been given over the years you are handing me a toaster.

And understand, for family / close friends we give generous gifts at births, weddings and bat / bar mitzvahs - so yes - it's a cycle and it is what it is.

We do have friends that have fallen on hard times. And in those cases, we appreciate just thier presence at an event. No gift is necessary or expected - really and truly.

But, if you are just being cheap for the sake of being cheap...eh, that's not really nice.

 

[binny]

Yes, mine. It never occurred to me to have alcohol at our wedding. I wasn't 21 and my parents don't drink, so it just never came up when planning our wedding.

It was over 30 years ago and people are still telling us what a great time they had at our wedding, so I guess our little church basement buffet wasn't the disaster people on the DIS would like to make it out to be.

same here but we were over 21. No one in my family drank though and it just wasnt important to us. to each their own I guess.

 

[MushyMushy]

-------------------

Excellent point - which I think at least some people here may be missing.. Most venues have a bar that is located in a separate room from where the actual reception is being held - with the possible exception of a church hall or something of that nature..

So if there are several choices of "free" alcohol available for the duration of the reception it makes absolutely no sense to me for the bride and groom to go to another "area" of the venue and "run a tab" for guests who don't care for the free alcohol choices that are being offered in the room where the reception is actually being held..

Could just be the type of venues available in my area and out-of-state areas I have been to, but I have never attended a wedding reception where the bar was located in the same room as the actual reception unless the bride and groom requested it - in which case it was an "open" bar.. I'm going to be 60 this year - have attended numerous weddings - from the fanciest (over $100,000) to the backyard barbecue - and if a "cash" bar was incorporated into the wedding held in a venue, it was always in a separate room..

For the weddings that included a "cash" bar, I never heard one single guest complain - mainly because that had several "free" options available to them and if they chose to drink something else, they had no problem with going out to the bar and purchasing it..

I think - or at least I hope - that most people attend weddings because they want to be a part of a very special day for the bride and groom - not because they want free martinis all night..

That's the way ours was set up. We had our reception in an Elks lodge -- it had the bar and then a big party hall attached that people could rent for events.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

The closest thing I have ever been to a dry wedding was my cousins that did not have a chamagne toast and the last hour of the reception was a cash bar. I do live in the northeast though, we have liquor at baptisms here

A friend of mine went to a wedding that was a dry wedding, what I thought was even stranger was that all they served to drink was water and iced tea in big jugs on the tables Probably not that uncommon as a whole around the country but around here everyone was just scratching their heads I didn't even go to the wedding but I feel like I was from all the stories. This wedding didn't have music or dancing either. The bride and groom were either methodist or presbyterian, its not like the choose their wedding ways for religious reasons

 

[jrmasm]

Receptions aren't at homes and I don't see them the same way at all. If I were having a party at my home, I would allow my guests to BYOB, which is customary among all my friends. We each bring a bottle of whatever we want and contribute it to the "bar" for the night.

When you're having an event at a party hall, I think it's different, especially when the hall has a bar available.

But they're your guests so it's exactly the same thing.

Would it be ok to have a reception in your backyard and have a cash bar?

Would it be ok to have reception in a hotel/church hall etc and charge for dessert? Or appetizers?

 

[binny]

The closest thing I have ever been to a dry wedding was my cousins that did not have a chamagne toast and the last hour of the reception was a cash bar. I do live in the northeast though, we have liquor at baptisms here

A friend of mine went to a wedding that was a dry wedding, what I thought was even stranger was that all they served to drink was water and iced tea in big jugs on the tables Probably not that uncommon as a whole around the country but around here everyone was just scratching their heads I didn't even go to the wedding but I feel like I was from all the stories. This wedding didn't have music or dancing either. The bride and groom were either methodist or presbyterian, its not like the choose their wedding ways for religious reasons

no music or dancing at my reception either. But It was for religious reasons, we held our reception in a Nazarene church and we dont dance. In fact I think hubby and I have only danced together a hanful of times in our marriage, it just isnt our thing.



I dont understand why people get so defensive about this stuff. Different areas do different things. If you are in that area and dont want to do the custom, thats your perogitive. Who cares what someone else thinks?

 

[C.Ann]

Who cares what someone else thinks?

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Exactly.. It's the bride and grooms wedding.. It's their day - no one elses.. They can - and should - plan their wedding however they choose to.. If people don't care for the arrangements, politely decline - with no criticism or "digs" about why you are declining - and certainly don't berate them for how they have chosen to allocate their wedding budget..

If alcohol is that important, bring a flask..

 

[MushyMushy]

But they're your guests so it's exactly the same thing.

Would it be ok to have a reception in your backyard and have a cash bar?

Would it be ok to have reception in a hotel/church hall etc and charge for dessert? Or appetizers?

Food and alcohol are two different beasts. And I still see a difference between having something at your own home (meaning probably less than 20 guests) vs. a party hall (with over 100 guests).

We had plenty of drinks to choose from -- coffee, tea, soft drinks, beer, and a limited amount of wine. None of the heavy drinkers had a problem going next door to pay for stronger drinks.

These posts are probably not going to change my mind, or probably any other posters who live where this is common, just as those of us who think $20,000+ receptions are outrageous won't change their minds either. That's the way it's done here and that's the way it's always been done. I'm not going to go to a cash bar reception this summer and all of a sudden get offended by it.