No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[Mouse House Mama]

So instead of a cash bar, it's more like a cash wedding.
Like you said, it's all custom. I'm a cheap SOB (or financial prudent as I prefer to think of it). I won't give $300 for a wedding to anyone to which I didn't make a direct contribution to their DNA (or adoptive equivalent). I'm more like a $50 gift guy. Maybe that cuts down on the number of weddings I get invited to.

Now if the bride and groom were having a frugal wedding and soliciting funds to pay down student loans or something, I might open my wallet a little wider. But to cough up $300 to help someone fund a grand gala, well, that's not what I'm working for.

No. Not at all. I chose to give whatever gift I want. I don't pick a bunch of gifts and then tell the bride and groom that I will only constribute X amount of money to it and if they really want it they have to pay the rest.
Now you think $300 is a lot of money for a wedding gift. This is my point. It all depends on the customs that you are brought up with. Here on Long Island $300 a couple is a typical gift. Close family members usually give much more.

 

[bluesaturn]

Since weddings are generally more formal, It's really more important to be more generous than you normally would, not less so.

By the way, the best wedding reception I ever went to was BYOB. It was in the church hall, though. You can't really do that in a restaurant or bar, though.

Lol how is BYOB different from a cash bar? Instead of offering drinks for them to buy, you want them to buy them first and then bring them?

 

[dansamy]

Our wedding was non-alcoholic. I've never particularly drank much. Neither has my husband. We also didn't utilize a caterer. Our reception was a simple cake/punch and light hors d'oeuvres. We did rent a coffee service. DH is a huge coffee drinker. I think our whole wedding was <$4k 11 years ago. The only professionals we hired were the photographer and the invitations. I've just never seen the sense in spending tens of thousands on one day.

 

[fey_spirit]

I think it's rude to show up to something like a Birthday party, a shower or a wedding reception without a gift. The entire point of such events is to honor the person or couple, you do that by bringing a gift.

Of course that's just my opinion and there will be many in this thread who agree with me, and many who think I'm mad as a hatter.

That is tacky.

So is a cash bar. I know it's becoming commonplace. But it's still tacky.

Hospitality is about entertaining your guests in the best way you can afford. If you can only afford cookies and punch in the church basement, then that's what you have. Anyone who complains about that is just ridiculous. There is nothing tacky about living within your means.

However, you never, ever ask your guests for money.

You also don't expect a gift (regardless of size.) Gifts are optional, no matter how much the hosts spent on your dinner.

 

[Disney Doll]

So you base the cost of your gift on the cost of the wedding/reception? I base mine on the relative closeness of my relatoinship with the bride/groom. If I get invited to a niece/nephew's wedding, I'll get a really nice gift. If I get invited as the 250th guest of a coworker, I don't spend so much. It doesn't matter to me what they spent on the show. To me, that's their cost, not mine. I feel no compulsion to cover my cost. If someone wants to throw an elaborate wedding or wants to get married by a JP in the local park, it doesn't bear on what I'm giving them. In fact, it might have the opposite effect because I'll be more likely to spend extra for a couple that needs money rather than for a couple than can afford a big gala.

I'll try and explain it again.

"Covering the plate" is a guideline. Generally, if I am going to someone's wedding, it's someone I like/love, I want to help them by not making them go into debt for my meal at their wedding. Frankly, if I don't care about them enough to want to help them out that way, I wouldn't go to their wedding.

 

[Alesia]

I think it's rude to show up to something like a Birthday party, a shower or a wedding reception without a gift. The entire point of such events is to honor the person or couple, you do that by bringing a gift.

Of course that's just my opinion and there will be many in this thread who agree with me, and many who think I'm mad as a hatter.

Children's birthday parties and showers do require gifts. Wedding do not. I wouldn't go to a wedding without sending a gift, but it isn't required. I spend what I can afford to spend, regardless of how expensive (or inexpensive) the wedding is.

 

[fey_spirit]

That would be what we do when we have a party in our home... we don't have cocktails at all.

When you have a party at your home do you charge for cocktails? Seriously, its the same thing.

If you're uncomfortable serving alcohol then don't.

 

[Alesia]

Lol how is BYOB different from a cash bar? Instead of offering drinks for them to buy, you want them to buy them first and then bring them?

Well it technically wasn't BYOB, it just ended up that way. It's not like they asked anyone to bring anything. They did provide beer ( they went through 3 or 4 kegs,) but everyone ended up bringing their own booze, too. It was a pretty informal reception.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

How do you not take it personally when your friend/family member implys that they care more about booze then your wedding?

It's one night - if they can't get through one night without hitting the local watering hole - they need help.

MouseHouseMama: I get what you are saying. I think you will find that most of us who have no problem with dry weddings never insinuated that everybody gets drunk or that it happens at every wedding, but the chance is there. I have worked a variety of weddings at Disney. Most of the larger receptions had open bars. Some weddings everybody seemed perfectly in control. There were others where people were very much out of control. I would never purposefully exclude someobdy that I was close to in order to avoid drunk behavior.

There have been comments on this thread where people said they would not attend, would leave early, would not have fun, etc. I personally find that sad. If somebody won't attend because my wedding is dry or bellyaches about it all the time then they are not the friend I thought they were.

To me, it doesn't matter. Open bar, cash bar, no bar. I couldn't care less. I am there to support the couple. Bemoaning thier choice or lack of etiquette does not seem supportive to me.

 

[jrmasm]

Food and alcohol are two different beasts. And I still see a difference between having something at your own home (meaning probably less than 20 guests) vs. a party hall (with over 100 guests).

I don't see them as different at all. You wouldn't have a party and not offer something to drink just like you would always offer some sort of food/snack. You shouldn't expect guests to pay for either of them.

And as to where the party is irrelevent. The attendees are your guests.

That would be what we do when we have a party in our home... we don't have cocktails at all.

I have no problem with someone not offering alcohol. As I said before if your beliefs or budget do not include alcohol then don't offer it. Fine with me. Just don't offer something and then expect someone else to pay for it.

 

[fey_spirit]

I don't think it should extend only to children's parties, but to all Birthday parties. And we do sort of agree about the cost of the gift.
I don't care of the gift is handful of daisies you picked out of your garden this morning and wrapped with a pretty ribbon, so long as you bring something.

As the bride, I would be hurt if someone showed up completely empty handed, it would make me wonder if they showed up for me or the free food.

Children's birthday parties and showers do require gifts. Wedding do not. I wouldn't go to a wedding without sending a gift, but it isn't required. I spend what I can afford to spend, regardless of how expensive (or inexpensive) the wedding is.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I think it's rude to show up to something like a Birthday party, a shower or a wedding reception without a gift. The entire point of such events is to honor the person or couple, you do that by bringing a gift.

Of course that's just my opinion and there will be many in this thread who agree with me, and many who think I'm mad as a hatter.

Of course, it is inappropriate to show up to a birthday party or shower without a gift, but not expected at the wedding if that guest attended the shower and gave a gift there. The guests at my shower didn't bring a gift to both and that was fine with me, I didn't expect it.

My mom's BF mother sent a second gift, but I didn't understand when she went one to the shower. My inlaws gave at the wedding, but they live out of town and didn't send agift to the shower. I actually would have preferred if my MIL had just forgotten all together, becuase she gave us some yard sale candle holders and a bride and groom beanie babies (some wedding gift)

I don't think it should extend only to children's parties, but to all Birthday parties. And we do sort of agree about the cost of the gift.
I don't care of the gift is handful of daisies you picked out of your garden this morning and wrapped with a pretty ribbon, so long as you bring something.

As the bride, I would be hurt if someone showed up completely empty handed, it would make me wonder if they showed up for me or the free food.

I know some people that request no gift to a birthday party as they don't need/want anything and I have even seen a request for a charitable donation for birthday's and even weddings.

Why should the bride be hurt, she shouldn't expect somone to show up with a gift, especially if that person attended a shower for her. That is one greedy bride that expects people to bring gifts to the wedding, you aren't getting married to get gifts.

I would have been just fine without any gifts at all when I got married, I had already purchased what I felt like I needed and had some things passed down from my grandmother. I wanted my guests to be at my wedding to share in our love not supply my household.

If you will read about wedding customs, gifts weren't always a part of the ceremony at all and some gifts were food or spiritual offerings, or a dowry. We have gotten past the real meaning of weddings, similar to commercialism of holidays.

Suzanne

 

[DisneyKT]

:.
To me, it doesn't matter. Open bar, cash bar, no bar. I could care less. I am there to support the couple. Bemoaning thier choice or lack of etiquette does not seem supportive to me.

Exactly.. Well done....

 

[C.Ann]

--------------------
Isn't it interesting how some people are such sticklers for "certain" aspects of etiquette, but in other areas they seem to "pick and choose" which rules they want to follow?

Really.. Think about some of the things that people talk about here on the DIS.. There are more rules that are not followed (by choice) than are..

To anyone out there planning their wedding, do what you want to do.. If your friends are true friends - and your family loves you - they will support you and celebrate with you regardless of what you choose - which is exactly how it should be!!

 

[fey_spirit]

Ever read the language of love books?
The ones that describe the different types? I was raised in a family where you didn't get a lot of affection any other way, but the gifts were good... that was how you told someone you cared - you bought a good gift.

I fail to see why a bride is selfish if she expects a gift, even something as simple as a handful of flowers from your garden because "that's not what the wedding is about"... but a guest is not selfish for demanding they be fed and watered on the bride and groom's dime... is that what the wedding is about then? Feeding and boozing up the guests?

As for the way weddings used to be, once upon a time they were nothing more then legal arrangements... they weren't even religious deals - not until the church realized they could make money off of turning them into religious ceremonies.

That said, if someone wants to offer me dowry money or a loaf of bread they baked (or bought at a local bakery) that morning - great, I will cherish that as much as any other gift that required equal thought.

For me it's not about the value or the type of the gift - but the thought and feeling that goes into it's selection.

I would rather have a bouquet of roses from my grandma's garden, that she put together and bound with her own two hands, then 500 bucks from my SOs somewhat wealthy mother.

I know some people that request no gift to a birthday party as they don't need/want anything and I have even seen a request for a charitable donation for birthday's and even weddings.

Why should the bride be hurt, she shouldn't expect somone to show up with a gift, especially if that person attended a shower for her. That is one greedy bride that expects people to bring gifts to the wedding, you aren't getting married to get gifts.

I would have been just fine without any gifts at all when I got married, I had already purchased what I felt like I needed and had some things passed down from my grandmother. I wanted my guests to be at my wedding to share in our love not supply my household.

If you will read about wedding customs, gifts weren't always a part of the ceremony at all and some gifts were food or spiritual offerings, or a dowry. We have gotten past the real meaning of weddings, similar to commercialism of holidays.

Suzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Ever read the language of love books?
The ones that describe the different types? I was raised in a family where you didn't get a lot of affection any other way, but the gifts were good... that was how you told someone you cared - you bought a good gift.

I fail to see why a bride is selfish if she expects a gift, even something as simple as a handful of flowers from your garden because "that's not what the wedding is about"... but a guest is not selfish for demanding they be fed and watered on the bride and groom's dime... is that what the wedding is about then? Feeding and boozing up the guests?

As for the way weddings used to be, once upon a time they were nothing more then legal arrangements... they weren't even religious deals - not until the church realized they could make money off of turning them into religious ceremonies.

That said, if someone wants to offer me dowry money or a loaf of bread they baked (or bought at a local bakery) that morning - great, I will cherish that as much as any other gift that required equal thought.

For me it's not about the value or the type of the gift - but the thought and feeling that goes into it's selection.

I would rather have a bouquet of roses from my grandma's garden, that she put together and bound with her own two hands, then 500 bucks from my SOs somewhat wealthy mother.

Yes, actually I did read "The Five Love Languages" (great book) and it was talking about love between spouses, but It had nothing to do with weddings, birthday or showers. My mom always told me that she bought such and such for me because she loved me and she wasn't overly affectionate, but that doesn't make me EXPECT to get a gift for every celebration.

I have never been to a wedding where the guests demanded to be fed at all. We had a nice table of finger foods and all was well, mostly my guests were there to celebrate us as a couple and would have been just fne with no food at all.

On my birthday I don't EXPECT a gift, but getting them are nice. When the ladies at the church threw me a surprise shower, I didn't expect that or gifts, but it was nice.

I don't know about weddings just being a legal thing, but marriage dates back to the early days of man after god created the heavens and the earth and man and woman and Adam and Eve were married, nothing legel there.

I have read quite a bit about the history of weddings as well.

Weddings are about sharing your celebration of marriage with family and friends, with or without food and beverages.


Suzanne

 

[fey_spirit]

Actually the Five Languages is only one of the books in the series, he also talks about other relationships in other books.

Perhaps your relationship with your mother did not bring your language into gifts, my language however is gifts.

All you have to do is read through this thread to see guests insisting that it is the bride and groom's job to feed and water their guests, some more extravagantly then others. Can you imagine how people would react to a reception which consisted of sitting in someone's living room chatting with one another with no food, nothing to drink etc... there would be mutiny and long drawn out discussions about how tacky that was.

Actually I won't debate religion with you... so I'm ending that branch of the conversation here. I don't believe that what you have said is true, there is no way to prove you right or wrong, so I won't go down that road.

Yes, actually I did read "The Five Love Languages" (great book) and it was talking about love between spouses, but It had nothing to do with weddings, birthday or showers. My mom always told me that she bought such and such for me because she loved me and she wasn't overly affectionate, but that doesn't make me EXPECT to get a gift for every celebration.

I have never been to a wedding where the guests demanded to be fed at all. We had a nice table of finger foods and all was well, mostly my guests were there to celebrate us as a couple and would have been just fne with no food at all.

On my birthday I don't EXPECT a gift, but getting them are nice. When the ladies at the church threw me a surprise shower, I didn't expect that or gifts, but it was nice.

I don't know about weddings just being a legal thing, but marriage dates back to the early days of man after god created the heavens and the earth and man and woman and Adam and Eve were married, nothing legel there.

I have read quite a bit about the history of weddings as well.

Weddings are about sharing your celebration of marriage with family and friends, with or without food and beverages.


Suzanne

 

[onelilspark]

MouseHouseMama: I get what you are saying. I think you will find that most of us who have no problem with dry weddings never insinuated that everybody gets drunk or that it happens at every wedding, but the chance is there. I have worked a variety of weddings at Disney. Most of the larger receptions had open bars. Some weddings everybody seemed perfectly in control. There were others where people were very much out of control. I would never purposefully exclude someobdy that I was close to in order to avoid drunk behavior.

I have friends from college that I know I won't be inviting to my wedding because they don't know how to behave when the booze is free. Granted, they aren't my closest friends, but if they acted more appropriately, I'd probably consider inviting them. There's certain behavior that I find inappropriate and if at all possible, I will avoid inviting those that won't act properly at my wedding. I don't want the drama on my wedding day, no thanks.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I have friends from college that I know I won't be inviting to my wedding because they don't know how to behave when the booze is free. Granted, they aren't my closest friends, but if they acted more appropriately, I'd probably consider inviting them. There's certain behavior that I find inappropriate and if at all possible, I will avoid inviting those that won't act properly at my wedding. I don't want the drama on my wedding day, no thanks.

I can see where you are coming from. If it was my best friend or a family member (that is what I meant by "close"), I would do what I could to find a way to make it work. If I wasn't that close to them, they wouldn't be invited.

 

[BMNABrinx]

We didn't have alcohol at our wedding nearly 20 years ago...my DB & DSIL did't have alcohol at their wedding nearly 8 years ago...and my DD & DSonIL didn't have alcohol at their wedding 5 1/2 months ago. We just don't drink. DSonIL's family does drink but I'm told they can get out of hand. Neither of them (DD or DSonIL) wanted their special time ruined by that behavior so they decided "no alcohol" plus they are both still underage. They also took into consideration that there would be children there and they didn't want the children to be in any danger. They even told people that if they went across the street to drink, don't bother coming back. They did have some homemade non-alchololic champagne and everyone LOVED it! In fact it is going to be served at our nephews wedding this summer.