New Book: Mothers should work

[MrsPete]

According to them, my parents said they could have lived just on Dad's income, but things would have been so tight, it really would have been miserable . . . The extra income meant potato chips in our lunches, and ice cream for desert after dinner. It ment family vacations to a cabin on a lake each summer so we could go fishing and swiming, and once, even a trip to WDW. It ment mom and dad could save for their retirement so my brothers and I don't have to support them, even if they get sick or disabled . . . It meant that they could help pay for our college should we choose to go . . . And they were both still there for my brothers and I.

Yep, I was one of the kids who had a SAHM, but things were really, really too tight financially. Food was rationed, we kids usually had two pair of school pants per year (and by spring they were highwaters), we had one pair of tennis shoes per year (some years we had to wear them to church too), and we had to wait for things like eye glasses. At points, we were on food stamps, and we got the government cheese and butter.

My own kids are much better off financially (though I am careful to give them much less than we could afford to give them), and they ALSO have two devoted parents. In fact, my mother has told me several times that I'm a much better parent than she was.

 

[bellarella]

I'm glad everyone is secure in their choices, now live and let live!

I would argue that most of the posters on this thread are *not* secure in their choices. Even most who have said that they don't judge others for their choices spend 80% of the post casting their choice as the "right" one with pejorative language.

I don't know if it is the consensus building gene in women or what, but it seems that most of the time women feel the need to validate their own choices by having others agree with them. The notion that another choice could be just as right for another family as theirs is for their own seems utterly foreign. It's as if the other person needs to be converted or marginalized. <sigh>

I am totally secure in the decisions I have made. I recognize that they have all required choices between different risks and opportunities. I also fully recognize that someone different in my shoes may have made completely different decisions and still had a happy family. So I feel no need to explain, or defend, or even mention my choice. The only thing that concerns me is that all women are free to make these decisions for themselves and their families, whatever decision they make, and that there is room in society to offer support for both stay at home moms and moms that work outside the home.

 

[MrsPete]

The way I see it, my kids want *me* -not to be dumped off in a daycare center so I can earn more money to buy as much random, useless, disposable stuff as we possibly can to ease the guilt of dumping them off all day.

This is the type of emotional response that causes fights. Dumped, random, useless, guilt -- all words with negative connotations, all intended not to validate your opinion but to insult anyone who's made a different choice.

 

[jodifla]

Yep, I was one of the kids who had a SAHM, but things were really, really too tight financially. Food was rationed, we kids usually had two pair of school pants per year (and by spring they were highwaters), we had one pair of tennis shoes per year (some years we had to wear them to church too), and we had to wait for things like eye glasses. At points, we were on food stamps, and we got the government cheese and butter.

My own kids are much better off financially (though I am careful to give them much less than we could afford to give them), and they ALSO have two devoted parents. In fact, my mother has told me several times that I'm a much better parent than she was.

Yep. From about the time I was 12 on, all I kept telling my mom was, "Get a job!"

It was a drag having money be so tight all the time, and to witness her feeling so trapped in the relationship with my dad. She had no money so my dad held all the cards.

I felt then, and still feel now, that she did a disservice to all of us by insisting on being a SAHM for so long, herself especially. (And I loved my mom, heart and soul. But I saw then, as I see now, that her choice to stay home was devastating for all of us.)

For one thing, we would have had more money. She would have had more friends and self-confidence. And when my dad threated to leave us, she would have been able to say, "There's the door."

That might have been good for him, too. The game plays out differently when you don't hold all the cards.

 

[beattyfamily]

This is the type of emotional response that causes fights. Dumped, random, useless, guilt -- all words with negative connotations, all intended not to validate your opinion but to insult anyone who's made a different choice.

Your right it is one type of response that makes me cringe but so is the "martyr mom" response.

It goes both ways in this debate.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm fully aware of the connotation for the words I used. I was speaking about my family and my kids. My kids are valuable to me, and all those things would be a huge negative in our life.

Then you meant to insult anyone whose opinion differs.

EVERY MOM's kids are valuable to her. That doesn't mean that we've all made the same decisions about how to raise them. For example, I will not allow my kids to have TVs in their bedrooms. No how, no way, not going to happen. Does that mean you're a terrible person if you've bought your children a whole entertainment system? I intend to pay for my kids to attend college. Does that mean you're an idiot if you feel they should pay their own way? I have never put my kids into organized sports. If your kids are in soccer and t-ball, are you a better mom?

You need to recognize that people can have different values, opinions, and options in life, while still loving their children and putting their welfare first -- and some of these people who love their children will choose to work.

 

[mookie]

Ah, I KNEW the mommy martyrs would join in!

I don't know if it's so much about being a mommy martyr as it is about a mom who knows both sides of the coin and recognizes the plusses and minuses of each...

Either position is going to have sacrifice. And if you've had a bad day at work, it's easy to say "wouldn't it be nice to just be at home all day instead of dealing with the BS." Same goes for staying home. Of course I have days where I miss being "out there," and not dealing with the "BS" of being at home. It's only human to think the grass is always greener.

But at the same time, I do not regret my decision. Becuase when it boils down to it, my choice was a good one for me. Doesn't mean there aren't days where I wish could get away though!

 

[jodifla]

Your right it is one type of response that makes me cringe but so is the "martyr mom" response.

It goes both ways in this debate.

How so?

There are plenty of SAHMs who aren't martyrs.

But you don't get to fire-bomb without being called on it.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm sure you can count a few in the world who are....but the working woman phenomenon was brought about by generations of women who were truly second-class citizens in the '40s, '50s and '60s (and really, pretty much all the generations before that.) . . . If you've never been close to anyone in this situation, count your lucky stars. Because it's pretty darn scary depending on someone who is constantly belittling you and threatening you and your children, but you feel you can't leave. . . This happened frequently to my mother's generation (I'm 45, mom would have been 80 this year). I have several female family members who tell stories to make your hair curl

My mom was one of these "betrayed" women, and I remember clearly hearing her talk with friends in similar situations -- it's far from uncommon -- they didn't always know I was listening. I remember very clearly at a young age realizing that I needed to be able to take care of myself. THAT is the really important theme on this thread. HOW you choose to do it is up to you; the important thing is that you have the ability to take care of yourself and your children.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't know if it's so much about being a mommy martyr as it is about a mom who knows both sides of the coin and recognizes the plusses and minuses of each...

And there certainly ARE plusses and minuses to both sides! Every working mom has an occasional day when she says, "Why am I putting myself through all this?" Every SAHM sometimes finds herself at her wits end and thinks, "Where's the nearest employment office?" The question is, are you in the position that makes you and your family happy the great majority of the time?

 

[MrsPete]

There are plenty of SAHMs who aren't martyrs.

But we all know 'em!

 

[yrdlyprincess]

here goes on my 2 cents, I AM a stay at home mom, I love it won't change it for the world (sometimes I'm a little crazy but so is everyone) but with the cost of daycare in my area I would bring home about 40-60 a week after paying daycare. I don't live but "what if's" We live on a budget, loggin EVERYTHING paid in our "budget book" . It is what works for your family. I no longer live close enough to family that would watch kids to work part time, so again not worth it. We have enough in savings accounts for 6-9 months living expenses, another for if ALL appliances & water heater go, another for if one car "blow up " (yes i'm that weird that I have even more SINGLE purpose accts) Wa have life insurance on both of us, house, cars. I think that the stay at home vs. work will always be an "issue" but what it comes down to is if it works for you !

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

It's obvious that there are passionate feelings on both sides of the fence here. And I doubt that anyone is going to change someone's position when emotions run so hot on the subject. I appreciate all the thoughful, even-handed contributions that have been made to this thread. But I'm going to close it now, before there are more inciteful comments than insightful ones.

 

[BethR]

Since we no longer have a Debate Board on the DIS to move this to, I am going to shut this thread down. It has been my experience that discussions of this kind will only lead personal attacks and NOT treating other DISsers with respect when posting - both which are not permitted per our DIS Posting Guidelines.

Thank You.