New Book: Mothers should work

[Kellydelly]

I personally think kids should have a parent at home with them. Mother, father, whatever. Just someone whose main role is to care for and nurture that child. I know there are some tremendous child care providers out there, but IMHO, parent trumps babysitter every time. Parents can offer both love and discipline that can't come from a CCP. I completely respect the fact that some families can't get by on one income, but I belive that is due in great part to people living way beyond their means.

I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I intend on having children fairly soon, and have set up our life and finances accordingly. We both have terrific educations with lots of earning potential, but we live an existence that requires only one income. I only work part time, and we never use any of the money I make for necessities, because we refuse to fall into the 'two income trap'. We don't NEED the dual vehicles or the huge house or the Hawaiian vacations that, technically, we could afford. Instead we share a car, bought a sensible home and go to Disney during the free dining. And I promise you, it hasn't killed us yet!! When the time comes that we need to go down to one income, we'll barely notice it. And my children will have their mom around, which to us is the most important thing.

Since you aren't a parent yet and have never experienced parenthood, you aren't really qualified to say how good you would be at it, or how much better off your children would be with either you or your husband in charge of them. Some daycare workers and nannies are much more loving and nurturing than the parents that hire them. Children should be in the care of people that will love and protect them, and that isn't always the parents . Some parents suck at being parents, we aren't all born to raise children and do a good job at it. Please don't disparage two working parents and how their children would suffer if they had to be watched by someone else. That is just really far from reality! Many single parents are forced into situations where they can't be home with their kids, and their children do not suffer for it.

 

[NemoMOm]

Too many "ifs" in that article. If. If. If. If grandma had a set of peaches, she'd be grandpa.

 

[MACfamily4]

Too many "ifs" in that article. If. If. If. If grandma had a set of peaches, she'd be grandpa.

My job is taking care of my family and making our house a home. In our eyes, I'm the *only* person who can do that job. We'll cross bridges as we come to them -not before.

The way I see it, my kids want *me* -not to be dumped off in a daycare center so I can earn more money to buy as much random, useless, disposable stuff as we possibly can to ease the guilt of dumping them off all day.

Wow! I'm pretty sure that's exactly the kind of judgemental diction that has fueled "mommy-wars" for years. Think about the connotation of the words you're using - "dumped", "random", "useless", "disposable", "guilt". We really ought to support eachother as women and moms and respect the choices each makes for her own family based on her own circumstances. JMHO!

 

[katerkat]

I'm a SAHM and my kid is currently watching Cars for the billionth time because frankly, I was tired of him asking about it. (Cars go vroom! Cars go vroom!) I don't feel caring and nuturing right now!

 

[DawnM]

Oh dear, one more thread about SAH vs. Working Moms.

This will always be a debate.

I am not going to get into all of it since I did that last month on this board....but I have been a SAHM for 2 years now and needed to, but I am SO beyond ready to go back to work! I am sending out resumes and am hoping to hear soon. I am a school counselor.

Dawn

 

[Mono~rail]

Wow! I'm pretty sure that's exactly the kind of judgemental diction that has fueled "mommy-wars" for years. Think about the connotation of the words you're using - "dumped", "random", "useless", "disposable", "guilt". We really ought to support eachother as women and moms and respect the choices each makes for her own family based on her own circumstances. JMHO!

I'm fully aware of the connotation for the words I used. I was speaking about my family and my kids. My kids are valuable to me, and all those things would be a huge negative in our life.

 

[mookie]

I appreciate your concern, please take this in the spirit intended.

I LOVE my kids. I'm glad I had them. They bring joy to my life. But I'd be a lousy SAHM - I don't have the patience for small kids. I'm not a playdoh mom or a fingerpaint mom - makes too much mess - my kids got that at daycare. Having them be my responsibility for 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and my mental health and my children would suffer - seriously.

I'm a great 5:00pm -8:00pm to bedtime and weekends Mom. We bake cookies and bread. We go to the museum and bikeriding and ice skating. That is my tolerance for it. Changing diapers for 16 hours a day, screaming children, toddler tantrums, toys all over the floor, potty training - thank God for my wonderful daycare staff!

Now that my kids are older, I'm a better Mom - elementary age kids are much more rational, and I cope better. But now, they don't need me home because they are in school.

When you say everyone should stay home with their kids, you are condeming a bunch of kids to stay at home with Mom's like me - and worse. For some kids, daycare provides the stability in their lives.

I suppose you could say "I shouldn't have had them to start with." Fair enough - you have any idea where the return counter is? (kidding, I'd NEVER give up my kids). Until you have kids, you really don't know if you will be a good 24x7x365 mom - I'm doing the best I can. Thank includes working outside the home.

Crisi, no need to be a working mom to feel that way - I completely understand. I do know that I'd probably do a better job in the workforce. I LOVED the workforce. I miss it. But I know that there will always be something about the other that you'll miss. And I know and realize how important of a job being a parent is, and I'm doing the best I can...even if that's NOT being Supermom. I'm not a playdoh mom either, and I stay home. My kids aren't lesser people for it either, they love their mom being around. They might not get all the messy crafts taht they would at daycare, but they do get to go places - instead of being cooped up in a one room daycare all day. Either way, you can justify it!

And I ALWAYS make sure to try to plan some time for me even though I do stay home....it keeps my sanity. Grama loves to have the kiddos come visit. Does it make me a bad SAHM because I dump my kids off? Even if it does, I'd still do it!

Okay, a bit off topic, I know. Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from...even though I do stay home!

 

[DawnM]

You sound like me today. I also homeschool. I am ready to STOP homeschooling! I am going nuts at home.

Dawn

I'm a SAHM and my kid is currently watching Cars for the billionth time because frankly, I was tired of him asking about it. (Cars go vroom! Cars go vroom!) I don't feel caring and nuturing right now!

 

[mouseketeer_mom]

you gotta be flippin' kiddin' me! Somebody wrote a book about what the rest of us should choose to do with our lives?!?!?

let me see...

I came out of college and choose a career..

then I got married and had a baby... and I stayed in my chosen career field and choose to (as someone else so eloquently wrote) dump my child in daycare.

then I got pregnant and decided to be a stay at home mom. (which as some others have mentioned can lead to moments of "what was I thinking? I used to get an hour for lunch?!?!"

so, I started to work from home

now I work part time from home and part time out of the home, once again "dumping" my offspring in daycare about 9 hours a week.

in six months, I'll return to my "career" and my children will be in school full time and occasionally need daycare.

I say all of this because I think I have a fairly well rounded opinion. Here it is.. (drum roll please!)
All were the best decisions I could have made for me, at the time I made them

When all the "Mother of the Year" points are tallied, and the retirement and college money has been counted, I'll let you know how I did. Between now and then, I'll just keep trying to make the best decisions for my family at the time they have to be made. Either way, I'm pretty sure my epitaph will not read "she wasted too much time with her children and not nearly enough time making money" nor will it read "all that time wasted, working for her childrens college education

 

[DiznEeyore]

This whole thread makes me sad. And SO angry.

I'm not a "playing games" type mom either. I'm MUCH better at working than staying at home. But I CHOSE to have a child and that means he's my primary responsibility until he's an adult. I can't imagine only being a mom from "5-8 pm and on weekends". That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Why even have kids? So they can be a nighttime and weekend plaything? I know way too many people like that; my best friend is one. She wanted to have her trophy children and PRAYS for Monday because she can't make it through the weekend with her kids. So very sad.

Having to work and choosing to work are two totally different things. I would never CHOOSE to give my child up to someone else to influence for so many hours a day for years on end.

Maybe this makes me sound harsh; I don't care. I worked daycare for years (before I became a mom) and saw what those little ones went through when they wanted their moms and couldn't have them for 12 hours a day. NO WAY. Flame away if you want; you won't get a reply and you definitely won't change my mind.

 

[jodifla]

I think their are signigicant tradeoffs to all ways of doing things, actually. So many SAHM's have the idea that working moms are just greedy jerks who hate their kids and want to wear Prada.

I'm sure you can count a few in the world who are....but the working woman phenomenon was brought about by generations of women who were truly second-class citizens in the '40s, '50s and '60s (and really, pretty much all the generations before that.).

Since I haven't read the book yet, I'm not sure if it talks about one of the things that I find most compelling on this subject: The fact that many women stay in bad marriages because they don't have the financial backing to leave.

If you've never been close to anyone in this situation, count your lucky stars. Because it's pretty darn scary depending on someone who is constantly belittling you and threatening you and your children, but you feel you can't leave.

This happened frequently to my mother's generation (I'm 45, mom would have been 80 this year). I have several female family members who tell stories to make your hair curl.

And if you read the stories on these boards, you see that it still happens frequently today.

A woman with the education and experience to support her children is truly a free woman. A woman who cedes all that to her husband is in a greatly weakened position, one that an angry man will seize on. Watched it happend live and up-close many times, and it left quite an impression.

 

[jodifla]

Ah, I KNEW the mommy martyrs would join in!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think their are signigicant tradeoffs to all ways of doing things, actually. So many SAHM's have the idea that working moms are just greedy jerks who hate their kids and want to wear Prada.

I'm sure you can count a few in the world who are....but the working woman phenomenon was brought about by generations of women who were truly second-class citizens in the '40s, '50s and '60s (and really, pretty much all the generations before that.).

Since I haven't read the book yet, I'm not sure if it talks about one of the things that I find most compelling on this subject: The fact that many women stay in bad marriages because they don't have the financial backing to leave.

If you've never been close to anyone in this situation, count your lucky stars. Because it's pretty darn scary depending on someone who is constantly belittling you and threatening you and your children, but you feel you can't leave.

This happened frequently to my mother's generation (I'm 45, mom would have been 80 this year). I have several female family members who tell stories to make your hair curl.

And if you read the stories on these boards, you see that it still happens frequently today.

A woman with the education and experience to support her children is truly a free woman. A woman who cedes all that to her husband is in a greatly weakened position, one that an angry man will seize on. Watched it happend live and up-close many times, and it left quite an impression.

ITA

And in my great-grandmother's, grandmother's and mother's times they all tell of horrible living conditions for women.

One of the reasons the Great Depression was so horrible is that one man was supporting a wife and double digit numbers of kids. When he lost his job a huge amount of people went hunger.

I work and my DH always tells me that he has to treat me nice, since I don't need him financially. My DH is a wonderful man and is always kind but he also saw the dependence and abuse that women can endure if they are not capable of supporting themselves and their kids alone if a "D" word (death, disability, divorce) should occur.

 

[Mono~rail]

I forgot to mention that Dr. Laura talked about this book last week. I listen to her show regularly.

 

[sk!mom]

I spent quite some time writing a very long response to this, then decided I couldn't withstand the potential flames and deleted it. So here's my scaled-down opinion. And let me preface this by saying it's meant to apply to 2-parent households.

I personally think kids should have a parent at home with them. Mother, father, whatever. Just someone whose main role is to care for and nurture that child. I know there are some tremendous child care providers out there, but IMHO, parent trumps babysitter every time. Parents can offer both love and discipline that can't come from a CCP. I completely respect the fact that some families can't get by on one income, but I belive that is due in great part to people living way beyond their means.

I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I intend on having children fairly soon, and have set up our life and finances accordingly. We both have terrific educations with lots of earning potential, but we live an existence that requires only one income. I only work part time, and we never use any of the money I make for necessities, because we refuse to fall into the 'two income trap'. We don't NEED the dual vehicles or the huge house or the Hawaiian vacations that, technically, we could afford. Instead we share a car, bought a sensible home and go to Disney during the free dining. And I promise you, it hasn't killed us yet!! When the time comes that we need to go down to one income, we'll barely notice it. And my children will have their mom around, which to us is the most important thing.

So there you go. I'll get down off my soapbox now.

Edited to add: this isn't directed at anyone or inspired by anything other than the article in the original post! Just wanted to make that uber clear!

No flames from me. The beauty of living now is we can all make the choice that works for our families.

The point of the article to me and my reason for posting it was that there are definite financial ramifications of being a SAHM. If you prepare and choose it wisely then great.

I once read an article about life's biggest financial pitfalls.` Having children was on the list. Children are a liability that will never pay off in a financial sense. Many of us choose to have them anyway because they will enrich our lives. They are worth the cost.

To me the point of both articles was when you make life altering choices - do it with your eyes wide open.

 

[threecrazykids]

I'm gonna get flamed for this but here we go:

I agree so much with the women who say that they love working outside the home and feel like great mothers for it. I feel the same way.

I work not only because it allows us to do additional things we may not be able to do on one income, have things we may not have with me home etc. but it also teaches my kids strong work ethic, commitment, and self sufficiency. I do NOT want my daughter to grow up thinking that her only option of being a super mom is to give up everything she has for her own wants and dreams when she has children...or getting ripped apart because she's not a "good mom" if she works. I also don't want my sons thinking that they have to support their wives once they choose to have children either. If they choose that route good for them, but I don't want any of them to feel obligated to make that choice to prove worth.

I also know that my kids have learned SO much from being in a daycare setting that they would never have experienced at home. I worked in daycare for 5 years before entering the corporate world and I know the ups and downs stay at home kids have as well when they've never been away from mom. Being home with mom all day may not be the best for some kids either.

There is no "right choice" for everyone. I love working and having the extras and no, I'm not willing to sacrifice the extras my kids get by me working. Some people would give up everything to be home with their kids. It's called differences in opinions, not priorities. No one is right, no one is wrong...but we're all Moms the same.

 

[DawnM]

 

[tinker&belle]

This whole thread makes me sad. And SO angry.

I'm not a "playing games" type mom either. I'm MUCH better at working than staying at home. But I CHOSE to have a child and that means he's my primary responsibility until he's an adult. I can't imagine only being a mom from "5-8 pm and on weekends". That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Why even have kids? So they can be a nighttime and weekend plaything? I know way too many people like that; my best friend is one. She wanted to have her trophy children and PRAYS for Monday because she can't make it through the weekend with her kids. So very sad.

Having to work and choosing to work are two totally different things. I would never CHOOSE to give my child up to someone else to influence for so many hours a day for years on end.


Maybe this makes me sound harsh; I don't care. I worked daycare for years (before I became a mom) and saw what those little ones went through when they wanted their moms and couldn't have them for 12 hours a day. NO WAY. Flame away if you want; you won't get a reply and you definitely won't change my mind.

I also work in a childcare center, I am a licensed teacher, for everyone who used the b*bysitter word, that it insulting.

Anyhoo...that's another topic. What I find interesting is how at the beginning of the thread, someone said they felt very judged being a SAHM, however from reading through, I'm feeling the most judgement for the mom's who "dump" their child off at daycare, and how children suffer so terribly at this place. I will be the first to say not all centers are quality, but there are many good childcare centers with caring staff and an engaging environment. I would have no problem with my child attending the center I work at whether I worked there or not.

I guess SAHM and WOH moms just need to live and let live. Some of the moms at my center are the greatest I know. Others do their very best for their kids and their kids are happy. I know great SAHM too. I'm getting ready to have my first child, and my MIL will watch her, financially we could live on one income if I worked just a tad part time (we have too many college loans ), but if anything happened we would be in trouble. So the child will stay with MIL, and be with us the other 18 hrs out of the day that one of us is home...when the child gets to be three she will go to preschool at least part time for socialization, IMHO that is the best thing to do for a child...but that's a different topic for a different day.

I'm glad everyone is secure in their choices, now live and let live!

 

[MrsPete]

The author must not be a mother. A mother dosent put money before her children.

But every mother knows that children require money -- lots of it. Believe me, we're going in to talk about braces tomorrow, and I'm awfully glad that I'm able to write a check for 5K!

Working doesn't mean you put money before your children; in fact, it can mean the exact opposite. Depending upon your choices, it can mean that your kids'll be able to go to college without incurring debt, etc.

 

[beattyfamily]

Here we go again. The battle of the SAHM vs working moms.

I'm a proud SAHM who will not live for the 'what ifs'. I didn't go into this with blinders on. We've planned financially the best we could before we had kids (savings, insurance, disability, college savings, my own savings, my own CC etc...) and it was our decision to have a parent stay home with our kids.

I don't regret it for a second and I'm not going to defend my decision to anyone nor live in fear of the 'what ifs' and neither should the rest of you moms, both SAH or working.