New Book: Mothers should work

[bellarella]

Women should work, women shouldn't work. The reason there are so many books written on the subject is because there is no *one* answer for every woman and every family. If there really was one "correct" way to building a strong family (financially, emotional, etc.) there would have been one book written a long time ago and 90% of the population would follow it. Americans seem to always be looking for a short-cut, following the latest "research" or "theory" that will be their magic wand rather than sitting down, looking at their own situation, their own strengths and weaknesses, and their own risks and opportunities and make some hard decisions. There are trade-offs in every decision we make. Virtually every opportunity taken is coupled with one that is given up. We all need to make the decisions we are comfortable with, and hopefully we do so with our eyes and minds wide open.

 

[MrsPete]

Great post! You're absolutely right about the risk of depending on two incomes (The Two-Income Trap by Elizabeth Warren comes to mind). I will never understand why women continue to feel the need to attack each other's choices.

Keep in mind that families who EARN two incomes don't necessarily SPEND two incomes. We've always essentially lived off my husband's income, while using mine for getting ahead on bills, savings and extras.

For example, we bought a house that we could afford on his salary, but we used my salary to pay extra towards that mortgage. At this point -- 17 years into our marriage -- we live in a paid-for house, have two paid-for cars, we have our children's college money in the bank, and we have retirement accounts building interest; these things were primarily done with MY income. We have also used my income for vacations, etc. If one of us were to lose a job today, we could easily live off either his salary OR my salary -- far from being at risk because we have two incomes, we are more secure because we have two incomes.

Also, I've built up 15 years towards a pension, which is very important to me since I come from a family that tends to be long-lived. And I'm making a decent salary now. If I were just joining the work force, it'd be at a starting salary -- and it'd be tough to support a family on that amount.

None of this would be worthwhile if my kids had suffered because of it, but the truth is that they are among the happiest, most well-balanced and well-adjusted kiddos I know.

 

[crisi]

What you said is right. Sadly, no matter what you choose, there will be someone to say your choice was wrong and then justify to you why your choice was wrong.

But, if you understand why you made the choice, and made it in an educated fashion - you'll have CONFIDENCE in your own choices. You'll be able to say "staying home IS the right choice for MY family" or "while I admire SAHMs, I know our family is better of with me working outside the home."

Then let the harpies harp - you know you are doing what is right for you and if they want to make some sort of case out of it, that's their problem. You can answer with confidence or walk away - your choice.

 

[ICF]

No person / family situation is the same....you could have 100 different couples and get 100 different answers / solutions to the question of whether or not to stay at home.

No book is going to give you the right answer to YOUR situation. Only you know what is best for you....not the writer of a book, or a poster on this website.

 

[disykat]

So I don't think the book is putting SAHM's down. But rather, encouraging them to look at the big picture and just be prepared for anything. I think it's trying to empower women.

There are many of us who think it IS a put down to assume that women who stay home are too stupid to think of the long term ramifications of their choices. I assume every women takes that into consideration when she makes her choice, and that those who don't are probably going to run into problems down the line regardless of whether they work or not. Finances take planning - period.

I was a SAHM, now I work part time, I plan on working full time again. In the crowd I hang out in, the SAHM's have college degrees and work experience. They made their choices knowing full well the ramifications on their careers. I also know a lot of WOH moms. They also thought long and hard about their decisions. The SAHMs I know don't need to be empowered to look at the big picture and be prepared any more than the WOHs. Everyone I know weighed the options and does what they think is best for their family.

If I meet a mom who made her decision to stop work or to continue work without carefully thinking through how it would affect her future, then maybe I'll buy her the book. I've never met one. I'm guessing if there are people out there who don't give it a thought, they're not going to be out there buying the book either. IMO, the book has a small audience, WOHs who for some reason want ammo to support their own choices and have it be seen as the BEST choice - something I don't think exists since it would be different for every circumstance.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I agree with the person who posted that relying on 2 incomes isn't the smart way to live either. If the husband or wife would lose either job, it could have the same effect of a woman being a SAHM and the man losing his job.

I stayed home for 3 years now I work 1 day a week. I could never imagine staying home and not having a career to fall back on. You don't want to base your life on what ifs but I seen alot of those what ifs when i was going through college. I vowed i would never be a 40 something divorced woman with kids and no job skills.

I do have a college degree and we live on 1 income. That way if something happened to DH or his job , we wouldn't lose everything. No matter what the choice you make it needs to be made sensibly and some what ifs should be considered.

 

[MrsPete]

[So I don't think the book is putting SAHM's down. But rather, encouraging them to look at the big picture and just be prepared for anything. I think it's trying to empower women.]



And this is exactly what I think women should focus on! We see articles all the time about how most American families are living paycheck-to-paycheck, how the majority of Americans aren't going to be prepared for retirement, how more and more kids are being forced to take out student loans that will cripple their financial futures, how more than 50% of all marriages will end in divorce, how social security is unlikely to be there for my generation . . . I think too many women have been taught to look at today's needs and figure that all these "tomorrow" situations will work themselves out -- they won't! We each have to look out for ourselves and our children.

I think ALL women should make sure that they have their financial houses in order, regardless of whether they stay at home or work. And all women should weigh their emotional choices against financial decisions -- BOTH matter.

My mother stayed at home with us, and suddenly she found herself 40 and divorced with a houseful of kids, no college degree, and job skills that'd been made obsolete by the advent of the computer. She says today that the years she had with us at home were in no way "worth" the misery that we all went through after the divorce -- and as hard as it was on us kids, I think it was harder on her because she realized too late that she'd been naive and had put us in that situation. Now the second step of that choice is hitting home with her: she's approaching retirement, and she has only a small pension and social security -- no savings (because, having started late, she never really reached "comfortable" financially). She could've done any number of things differently at a young age: If only she'd finished college while she was young and her father was paying, if only she'd had only the number of children she could've supported on her own, if only she'd worked a few years and saved a nest egg before starting a family, if only she'd kept her job skills current . . . but her generation was the one that largely fell into the divorce trap -- in their defense, they didn't see it coming. Today every woman should be wiser and should have a plan in place to protect herself and her children.

 

[MrsPete]

There are many of us who think it IS a put down to assume that women who stay home are too stupid to think of the long term ramifications of their choices.

And yet, in real life I know MANY women who are looking to get back into the work force under less-than-ideal situations. Women who DID fail to plan, but who assumed that "it could never happen to them". Maybe I see lots of these people because they come into the school system (sometimes as substitutes, sometimes as student teachers) because that's seen as a good "mom job".

 

[mickeyfan2]

So we should ALL be sure we have both life insurance AND disability insurance.

Also many families only insure the working spouse. What if the SAHSpouce gets disabled or died. How would the workign spouse pay for daycare etc. now on the same income?

Please insure all spouse, working or not.

 

[sk!mom]

There is a third option. My husband and I both work and we live primarily off of one income. The second income goes into savings/college funds/ and things we can easily give up (like - believe it or not - vacations). (We also pay taxes up the yango and as two income high wage family - taxes would drop significantly if we had a single income). I'm very risk adverse financially, and this is the least risky plan for our family.

ITA- I was going to post a similar response.

DH and I purchased our home based on one income and are debt free except for a small mortgage that will be paid off in less than 2 years. If one of us was to become unemployed then we could cut out extras and cut back on savings until a new job was secured. We actually did this 17 years ago. DH was laid off and out of work for 3-4 months` During that time we "lived" on one income. We were able to cut out all extras and got by just fine on unemployment and my income. In fact, we never had to touch any of his severance pay to live on. We were able to save it.

 

[katerkat]

I love the fact that the author said she had no idea this would cause such a debate. Yeah, it's not very well-known that WOH/SAH is pretty much the top thing in the Mommy Wars.

I do think women (and men) should plan out things far in advance, but I don't think that they should all come to the conclusion that working outside the home is the only solution. For us, staying at home is important and we planned for that a long, long time ago. I even have a career that IF I wanted to, I could do from home. (I've actually finished one novel and am working on a second.) We have insurance on both of us, savings, IRAs, college funds, etc. As for self-fulfillment - sometimes I do wish I could get out of the house (like around the 500 billionth viewing of Cars), but I can do that when he's school age.

 

[Chicago526]

There are so many individual variables that I ignore blanket statments like "every mom should work" or "every mom should stay at home". Some need the money, other's can't stand the thought of day care, the list is almost endless. I say do what you think is best for YOU and YOUR family and to hell with everyone else's opinion.

One thing I think every SAH parent should do is to keep their job skills as current as possible, because there is always the chance you may need to go back to work one day in a hurry (death, jobloss, drastic pay cut, "fun" stuff like that). Even something as simple as voluteering for your church or child's school can make a differance, and at least puts something recent on your resume.

 

[cassie714]

i am writing this from person experience. Just because a mother stays home does not mean they cannot achieve a decent paying job. I stayed home with my children for 8 years. I returned to the work force about a year and a half ago starting off at entry level and quickly worked my way up within a year. A job came up within the company that although i did not have the college degree for my immediate boss felt i was a quick learner and recommended me highly. It can be done. Must of us mother's are very hard workers.

 

[crisi]

i am writing this from person experience. Just because a mother stays home does not mean they cannot achieve a decent paying job. I stayed home with my children for 8 years. I returned to the work force about a year and a half ago starting off at entry level and quickly worked my way up within a year. A job came up within the company that although i did not have the college degree for my immediate boss felt i was a quick learner and recommended me highly. It can be done. Must of us mother's are very hard workers.

And lucky - jobs don't often "come up" in my company that come with significant raises. Hard work doesn't make any difference if the opportunities aren't there.

 

[kellia]

Well, if we are just looking at the financial side of it, no one should ever have kids! They are the biggest money pit there is!

 

[MrsPete]

And lucky - jobs don't often "come up" in my company that come with significant raises. Hard work doesn't make any difference if the opportunities aren't there.

I'll second that -- a willingness to work hard doesn't always mean a job'll come your way. I never want to count on luck to support my family!

 

[Whosemom]

I think it was harder on her because she realized too late that she'd been naive and had put us in that situation. [/B]

Odds are, your mother didn't put you in the situation. Either she and your dad did that together through joint decisions, or your dad did by not continuing to meet his resposibilities as a parent. Hopefully you boost her up when she's feeling down. (I'm sure you do )

also, I agree with katerkat 100%
from the article...

...she argues that many young mothers have forgotten Friedan's message, embracing a 21st-century version of the 1950s stay-at-home ideal that could imperil their economic future as well as their happiness....

Bennetts says she never intended to issue the latest salvo in the "Mommy Wars" — that long-running, angst- and guilt-ridden debate over whether mothers should stay home with their children. And she says she's surprised by the reaction.

LIAR! Regardless of your take on the issue, I'm fairly sure she was hoping to make money on her book, and the best way to sell a book is to generate controversy.

From the article(I haven't read the book), she's looking at one dimension of life. Someone tell her its all

 

[Microcell]

What you said is right. Sadly, no matter what you choose, there will be someone to say your choice was wrong and then justify to you why your choice was wrong.

This could be about any other personal topic, couples having or not having kids, homeschooling, vacations to WDW.

People need to realize that other people have their reasons for their choices and their circumstances.

Like raising children. The first child is taken to the doctor for every sniffle and only given the brand of baby food. By the time the 3rd kid comes around, your not phased if he starts eating dirt.

Made me think of the time when I told my father that I needed to get my DD's booties to match her outfit before we could go out (she is my first) and his response... "Your little sister (the fourth child) was lucky to have a diaper on going out by the time she came around" .

About the article, I will do what i have to do for my children, and it is my choice to ensure they do not get raised by someone making... what is it now? $6.50 an hour? It is important to me. I never made that much before kids. That is what I get for having a degree in a social services field!

 

[MrsPete]

Odds are, your mother didn't put you in the situation. Either she and your dad did that together through joint decisions, or your dad did by not continuing to meet his resposibilities as a parent

Oh, certainly he did his part in screwing up our childhood, and I didn't mean to imply that he was a saint in the whole bruhaha -- he's the one who set the whole mess into motion. He moved out of state to avoid paying child support, and we basically never saw him again -- a thing that was easy for a man to do in the pre-Reagan days. But since this thread is about WOMEN being prepared to care for their children, I didn't mention him.

I think our societal ideas about fatherhood have changed over the last 30-ish years as much as our ideas about motherhood . . . but that's not the topic.

 

[KKB]

There are too many factors that go into this decision to say that it is simply a money one...

I have covered the gammit on this one...stayed home full time w/ first child (HATED it...not my personality, plus DS1 was high maintenance kid--and still is!); worked part-time w/ #2--LOVED this. Got my adult "fix", with plenty of time for the family; with surprise #3, I owned a retail business. I was back at work (after a C-section!) TEN DAYS after his birth--with him in tow! A year later when 9/11 occured, I was worried about making the bills at home & the business...I went back to teaching full-time AND still had the business! (yes, the next 15 months were insanity until we closed the store!!!!)

I am blessed. I teach full-time (home ill today no worries, teacher work day anyway), and am able to take my youngest 2 to the school that I teach at. It does mean that they are with me the hour before school starts (officially, only 30 min. of "work" time...my principal has been supportive; heightened level of conern around here as we get a new principal for next year...hopefully it will all work out!). But a teacher's schedule allows me the best of both worlds...I get my adult time, money for travel & extras, but still plenty of vaca time w/ kids (we are addicted to golf & the pool in the summer).

THE KEY IS THAT YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR DECISION. (no, not every minute of everyday..... ) Hope for the best, plan for the worst (in other words, if you are a SAHM, BE SURE you have sufficient disability & life insurance on DH, AND keep your job skills up to date).

My mother stayed home w/ us for a few years when we were young, and speaks of the same concerns I had when I was a SAHM...if an extra bill comes up HOW are we gonna make it??!! My mom ended up nursing at night, so she could be home if we were ill, and pick us up each day after school. But it was a sacrifice...she was one tired crabby lady most of the time (can you blame her??!!)

Again, as long as you are happy--yes, YOU, not just DH--all will work out. My children were in daycare full or part-time for most of their childhood. (and we were SO lucky...almost all inhome care, both former elementary teachers, one a dear friend--both SO GOOD) And they truly are wonderful children. Bright, well-mannered, and they have rarely been ill (oh, I didn't breast-feed, either---it just didn't work out, though I tried with first 2--sorry, just always hear how those formula fed kids are more sick. Sorry, just not true. Breast feeding is great, just not the only way to do it well....I'll get off my soapbox now...)

WELL...I digress....to wrap this novel up...as my mother said, "Being a mom is your greatest joy...and your greatest nightmare all rolled up in one." Yep, she nailed it. And this is true whether you are a SAHM, WAHM, WOHM...WHATEVER. Being a mom is hard work, but the rewards are great!