Need an answer to stupid relationship ?

[magicmom07]

I feel very stupid for asking this… but I want to know if I’m really off base here. Long story short, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night – assuming we are going to make up today, I need to know your opinion to this question.
Do you think that after dating over a little over a year that he should KNOW whether or not he wants a future with me and my DS7? I’m not talking about immediate marriage here, but more along the lines of that he should know whether WE are what he wants and short of a catastrophe, we will one day eventually get to the alter, babies, mortgages, etc.
I am having a huge fear here that my DS will get closer and closer to this guy only to have him say in another year " thanks but no thanks" My son already thinks he hung the stars and moon. Thanks for your opinions ( and hopefully no flames!)

 

[disneystacy]

I feel very stupid for asking this… but I want to know if I’m really off base here. Long story short, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night – assuming we are going to make up today, I need to know your opinion to this question.
Do you think that after dating over a little over a year that he should KNOW whether or not he wants a future with me and my DS7? I’m not talking about immediate marriage here, but more along the lines of that he should know whether WE are what he wants and short of a catastrophe, we will one day eventually get to the alter, babies, mortgages, etc.
I am having a huge fear here that my DS will get closer and closer to this guy only to have him say in another year " thanks but no thanks" My son already thinks he hung the stars and moon. Thanks for your opinions ( and hopefully no flames!)

Yes, after a year he should know if he wants a future with you and your son. After a year you know you want a future. If he can't answer that question you should move on to someone who can and does want a future. Why waste time with someone who doesn't want the same things you do ?
You owe that to your son.
If you both are not on the same page for future plans, dating 2,3,4 years is not going to change that.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

I would say if your boyfriend is expressing he is not sure about the future even after a year, he is just that-not sure. If that is not enough of a commitment for you, then you probably have your answer right there-that he is not the one. I wouldnt wait around to see if someone figures out if they want a future with me.
Good Luck!!

 

[dzneelvr]

Let's face it, you have a HUGE responsibility to your son; he does not and his answer has made it very clear he has no intention of building a future with you both. ANY answer other than a resounding passionate YES is a no! Stay strong; keep your head up; and move on to a future without the guy.

 

[tileman]

I say he should know what he wants after a year.

Being a man here me and my wife have been together for 22 yr and I just had my 44 birthday so I knew that she was the one for me

I see it a lot of times most guys just hang out and ride for free then after the women ask hmmm how do you see us in a few years they run off like wild dogs in a pack.

Good luck.

Ron.

 

[mtemm]

no flames. I would say people know when they know, and it sounds like he doesn't yet. or maybe he does and it isn't the answer you want and he isn't ready to go there yet, either (meaning end things).

you can't change how people feel or have them feel/be ready for things on your timetable, even though I understand your reasoning behind it. so given the situation, I guess the only thing I would do in your case is make sure my son knows that we are a family (meaning he and I, not he, I, and bf), and I'd probably make sure I wasn't spending too much of our family time with this man until he felt a bit more committed. Don't get me wrong, I'd still see him if I wanted to, but might back off a wee bit of my son's time with him.

I know, easy for me to say. but I have a 7 year old and am just trying to picture myself in that same situation.

good luck!

 

[acejka]

I think he should know what he wants after a year. Most definitely.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

he should know if there is future potential for sure....

 

[BelleWDW]

One of my kids is going through something similar. its been 9 months and neither is really sure this is the "one".

I knew just weeks after dating DH.

 

[PatsGirl]

I also think he should know after a year whether he is committed or not but for the sake of argument, let's assume that he is undecided...I'd cut way down on the time spent together and not make him THE priority right now. Focus your attention on your child and let him fill in the blanks when time allows and there are adult-only things you want to do. That way, you are slowly pulling away from the relationship which will be less traumatic for your son and also give him some notice

I think he will make a decision pretty quickly once he realizes that you aren't going to stay in a one-sided relationship. It might not be the answer you are looking for though so be prepared.

The hardest part of raising children as a single parent is finding that balance of the relationship between the kids and the boyfriend and knowing when it is not going in a forward direction for ourselves.

 

[anniemae]

Yes, I think he should know. He may just want different things out of life, and your goals i.e. marriage, more kids, house etc. may not be his goals. If that's the case, I would not want to be with someone who did not have my same goals in mind, otherwise, you are selling yourself short and will continue to have this argument. You should not have to sacrafice your hopes and dreams, just as he should not do things he does not want to do.

 

[RunningGirl]

Yes, he should know. To me saying "I don't know if I have a future with you" is kind of like saying "I'm waiting for something better to come along".

 

[mjkacmom]

DH and I were together 5 years before he proposed - at one year, he was NO way ready to even think about marriage. A fews years into the relationship, I wanted us to move in together (since we spent almost all nights together, at his apartment or mine). Nope - not until he was sure we would get married. BTW, we've been married now for 15 years, and there is not a single divorce in either of our families - siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is not up to you to judge if he should know or should not know.

The answer you are looking for is found in what do YOU want. If you feel that the relationship is not what you are looking for right now then you have to do what you feel you need to do.

If you feel you need some type of committment after a yr and that does not happen, you have to decide if you are OK with that, no matter if you break up or stay together.

It is about if you are on the same page and if you are not that it may not be a match right now.

 

[Robinrs]

It is not up to you to judge if he should know or should not know.

The answer you are looking for is found in what do YOU want. If you feel that the relationship is not what you are looking for right now then you have to do what you feel you need to do.

If you feel you need some type of committment after a yr and that does not happen, you have to decide if you are OK with that, no matter if you break up or stay together.

It is about if you are on the same page and if you are not that it may not be a match right now.

Good points.

Your problem is exactly why I never introduce my son to dates until I'm SURE there is a commitment. It's one thing for adults to give up a relationship, completely different for children.

I really don't believe you would be asking this question if you didn't really already know the answer.

 

[Evil Genius]

I don't think he should have to make that decision after a year. Being a step parent is huge! You don't say how involved the child's father is in your life. Pressuring him to make this kind of decision is a great way to push him away.

 

[quentina]

I am probably the odd ball here....however....no, I do not think it is a requirement of the relationship.

My DH and I dated for quite a few years (3) before, I felt he was the one. There were some issues that he needed to work out (partying etc).

We are now together for 20 years, married 15.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be sure.....Marriage is a huge step....

If you are comfortable and the relationship is progressing nicely, I think that this is OK. I always enjoyed my husband and loved him, I just didn't know if he was the guy I wanted to spend my life with. After some more time together, it fell into place for me.

Personally, I would rather take it slow and be successful then rush, be unsure and divorce later on.

 

[tink20]

I think it is different for everyone. You may be sure now, but he seems like he needs more time. Question is: Are you willing to give him more time? No relationship is guaranteed. Some people don't even want to get married. I would just have a serious talk and ask him what does he want out of life and what does he want in the future. My sister dated her ex for 4 years, got married, was married for 8, every time she mentioned having kids, he said it wasn't the right time, (guess what? he didn't want kids) You really need to find out what he wants, if it is totally different from what you want, then you may want to move on.

 

[Judy from Boise]

Honestly after a year, I would expect a ring or move on. I am assuming you are out of your 20's where taking it much slower might make sense, since In a way you are still growing and changing.In this case doesen't have to "wonder" what a future with you would hold. The future is in front of his face, your DS and hopefully a new sibling or two.If he isn't quite ready to committ to that today, I would be honest thatyou need to gaurd your son's feelings and he should at the very least "declare his intentions", and perhaps seal it with a promise ring.
The rings are not for you as much for him. I think men are wired to need to invest monetarily to trigger their deeper feelings.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly after a year, I would expect a ring or move on. I am assuming you are out of your 20's where taking it much slower might make sense, since In a way you are still growing and changing.In this case doesen't have to "wonder" what a future with you would hold. The future is in front of his face, your DS and hopefully a new sibling or two.If he isn't quite ready to committ to that today, I would be honest thatyou need to gaurd your son's feelings and he should at the very least "declare his intentions", and perhaps seal it with a promise ring.
The rings are not for you as much for him. I think men are wired to need to invest monetarily to trigger their deeper feelings.

I think this is why there is so much divorce these days. The first year is the honeymoon year. After that, people really start acting like themselves, the good and the ugly. To really love someone, you have to be aware of all his or her faults, and still want to be with regardless.