Need an answer to stupid relationship ?

[Judy from Boise]

Really? I think most people are unable to keep up a "pretense" for a year, it would take phenomenal energy. Again I am assuming these are adults who are pretty stable about who they are, and what they value.

 

[pearlieq]

Yes, given that you're both adults, I think he should know after a year of dating whether he sees a future with you. I could see it being reasonable for him to want to date another year or so before proposing, but he should know whether that's a possibility or not.

Personally, once I was out of school and on my own, I wouldn't have stayed with anyone I had already decided against ever marrying. If marriage and family are your goal, what the point?

I think the best advice you got on this thread is to back off from him. Start investing more of your time into yourself and your son and be less and less available for him. If y'all are staying over, start backing off that as well.

This will valuable for you both--he can get an idea of what his life is like with less of you in it and decide if he likes it or not, and you can get yourself and your son prepared in case he isn't the one.

 

[minkydog]

I would expect that a grown man would know what he wants after a year. It's not like ya'll are in college, trying to figure out who *you* are, let alone figure out who *they* are. I think you are right on the money to be concerned about your son. He is going to be devastated if this man bows out of your life and I don't think you should just "hang on" in the hopes that your guy will suddenly whip out a ring. It doesn't sound like he's as committed to the relationship as you.

My father was one of "those" guys--you know, the kind that can't commit. Although he stayed with my mother for 21 years, he started stepping out on her shortly after their wedding (why she put up with it I'll never know ) He finally up and left her. During the next 32 years he had many relationships, some of them 5 years or more but he was never as committed as the women were. He always wanted to keep his options open and he cheated on every woman he ever dated.

I'm not saying that your guy is cheating on you. But I'm saying that it doesn't sound like he wants to seal the deal and that would be concerning. You've already spent a year of your life hitched to his star. That's 1/7 of your son's life, a long time in kid years. Maybe it's time for a separation. I mean a real no-calls-no-dates-no-nothing separation to give both of you time to decide whether this relationship is worth saving. You can't make him want to stay with you.

(Incidently, my brother got married last year after 6 years of dating his GF. She finally issued him an ultimatum, Get married or I walk. They are both in their late 40s. He didn't want to get married,but he didn't want her to move on. So he married her. It's 1 year later and their marriage is in big trouble. He's abusive to her and she's unhappy and depressed. It hasn't been good for either one of them and I don't give their marriage much longer. The only bright spot is that they don't hvae any children together.)

 

[Disney Doll]

I also think he should know after a year whether he is committed or not but for the sake of argument, let's assume that he is undecided...I'd cut way down on the time spent together and not make him THE priority right now. Focus your attention on your child and let him fill in the blanks when time allows and there are adult-only things you want to do. That way, you are slowly pulling away from the relationship which will be less traumatic for your son and also give him some notice

I think he will make a decision pretty quickly once he realizes that you aren't going to stay in a one-sided relationship. It might not be the answer you are looking for though so be prepared.

The hardest part of raising children as a single parent is finding that balance of the relationship between the kids and the boyfriend and knowing when it is not going in a forward direction for ourselves.

This is very good advice.

Don't give him an ultimatum. They never work and someone always feels like they were "trapped" into it.

Stop worrying about what he should do and decide what you want. And if what you want is a more serious relationship with this man and he isn't going for that, then I'd take the above advice and back way off....you may find out that he's not as great as you thought and that you could live without him, you may find out that your son will survive, he may find out that he doesn't like living without you. He may also find out that it doesn't bother him to live without you.

But, if you continue along your current lines, you are gong to end up frustrated and the relationship will siffer because of it. Be less "available" to him in all facets of the relationship, start to branch out a bit in terms of where you go and what you do...I realize you have a 7 year old, but if you have an available sitter once in a while, make plans with friends, go out in groups, join a club or organization...make yourself a life. If he decides to join you in it, great! If not, you'll be busy making a life....YOUR life.

 

[mikehn]

A year is more than enough time. You dont want to hear the rest.

 

[ProgressCity]

After a few months with DH we knew the relationship was headed toward marriage and talked about it, but it took us 3 years to get there. We knew marriage was what we wanted, but we also knew that there was no rush and we wanted to make sure we were prepared before getting married.

OP is not asking for a ring, just to know if there someday will be a ring and I think after a year he should know. If he doesn't then I'd say he's not mature enough at this stage in his life for you to be dating him. You have a kid which means you don't have the luxury of goofing off for a year or two and then moving on.

My mom dated a guy for years and then they didn't end up together and after all these years I still don't think I've completely forgiven her. He became like a dad to me and I resented mom for not making it work. This really will have a long lasting effect on your son, he deserves better than getting attached to a man who doesn't have the same attachment to him and won't be there for him long term. So if he's not going to commit, find someone who will and will give you and your son the long term support that you both need.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Sounds to me like he already gave you the answer.

You just need to realize the answer was "no"

 

[arminnie]

Yes, he should know. To me saying "I don't know if I have a future with you" is kind of like saying "I'm waiting for something better to come along".

sounds to me like he alrady gave you the answer.

you just need to realize the answer was "no"

I've seen so many women really screw up their lives by "waiting". Then the guy meets someone else and gets married in six months.

The worst was a woman who dated a guy for 17 years (age 30-47). Then he just upped and married someone else.

 

[Kimickey]

Speaking from experience and going thru a similar situation. I dated my ex for 3 years. When we went our separate ways there were somethings in his life he needed to work out, and he just wasnt sure what direction he wanted to go in. The break up wasnt the most pleasant because I was the one who called him to the carpet and ended it. It was very rocky after the break up for six months. He just wasnt being honest with him self regarding his situation and I wasnt dealing with it any longer. Well we didnt speak for 8 months, during those 8 months he faced, what I had been talking about and has moved to having a clearer life.

We still aren't there yet and havent gotten back together, but there is progress. Furthermore we haven't ironed out what happened a year and a half ago either for it has only been since August that we are just starting to speak. Our relationship now is rocky at best, but we still love each other and both of us know that. Neither one of us are ready to get married I'm 32 and he's 38 both of us have a child(ren).

Right now he can't give me what I want, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not mad at him for it, that's just real. It bothers him to no end and he thinks I don't know that.

I say all of this to say, I just proceed on with my life. If I want to go on a date...I do. If I want to hang out as friends with my male friends...I do. My life has not stopped because things are not where he or I would like for them to be with each other. If we find our way back together again then GREAT, if not then we both have our answer. Bottom line is...Life has to go on, enjoy it - eventually it will work its way out. Just don't settle, you deserve whatever it is you are seeking and so does he.

My best wishes to you both!

 

[Scurvy]

I know some people take longer than a year to know if they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. Personally, that isn't the way I'm wired and I don't think I could have handled being in a long term relationship with someone that was wired that way. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with taking longer than that to be sure about a relationship, but there's also nothing wrong with being sure more quickly than that.

At this point if he says he isn't sure, it really means that he is sure he doesn't want to marry you right now. Maybe he thinks that might change in the future or maybe he thinks you would break up with him if you knew there was no possibility that the two of you would end up married. If he's just not sure if he wants to ever marry you then he could change his mind in the future, but he might not. He could be happy going on with this sort of relationship forever. He could decide that he does want to marry you. He could decide he he does not want to marry you. You can't base your decision now on what might happen in the future. You just have to decide if you are satisfied with the relationship as it stands. It may never progress beyond the level of commitment you already have, so you have to decide if you are happy in this relationship without that higher level of commitment.

I absolutely agree with Disney Doll that you absolutely should not issue an ultimatum. They do not work. He feels the way he feels, you feel the way you feel, and you should not try to convince him to change his mind based on threats or promises. It's never a good idea.

 

[disneymarie]

I feel very stupid for asking this… but I want to know if I’m really off base here. Long story short, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night – assuming we are going to make up today, I need to know your opinion to this question.
Do you think that after dating over a little over a year that he should KNOW whether or not he wants a future with me and my DS7? I’m not talking about immediate marriage here, but more along the lines of that he should know whether WE are what he wants and short of a catastrophe, we will one day eventually get to the alter, babies, mortgages, etc.
I am having a huge fear here that my DS will get closer and closer to this guy only to have him say in another year " thanks but no thanks" My son already thinks he hung the stars and moon. Thanks for your opinions ( and hopefully no flames!)

Lots of hugs and no flame here, but I was in your shoes for a long time. I dated a guy I grew up with, a few others too after my divorce.
What I found out, some men are just very comfortable turning from a real Mom to Mothering...

As a parent we have nurturing things about us that is a man magnet for those that no longer have or allow MOM to mother them.
Look at the relationship you want your son to be in the future. Is it to for lack of a better word, leach onto a woman, or make a life for one.

If this guy is still is the everyting is ok the way it is, I bet it is for HIM. Not you and your son.

Normally the chemistry is 6 months passion, the next 6 of settling down the harmones and seeing what is real about the relationship.
Having a child is adding another variable to the mix..

Detach your son from your interactions from this guy until the big boy figures out what is real and what is play time. Is he going to move into real life or is he ongoing ride.

I have to tell you, I grew up with my guy from when I was a child. He lived next door to the grandparents. After our divorces we dated for 13 years.
I finally said poop or get off the pot.
I now wanted to have a home built, my kids were graduating and getting older. He had not been a major part of their life. They new him as my date....
But, until after the year of regrouping, he never made them dinner, sat while I worked or joined in any raindeer games....

We are now married almost 18 years, HE NEVER CHANGED. Although he has been a good provider, husband, after his divorce he lived at home with his mom until she passed away. THEN he asked me to marry him,I was 3.,
He was 29 our first date, me 23....I thought he was soooo old. He never lifted a hand to harm me, but I was a cop. He never strayed; I told him 20 goes into 40 more then 40 goes into 20

Your post made me realize he is still his momma's boy and I am a partial surraget MOM.he is 61 now. He is a gentlemen, still opens my car door, dresses in a suit for occasions, loves my home cooking...He thinks he is a king over his domain though..... If I need decorations brought out, he will tell me get my son to do it; the garbage will sit over the weekend when the son is not home. If he sees it flowing over, I get all the noises, humfs,and whining..get stressed to have him do it, or do it myself......a lot I do myself......

All the reasons I broke up with him that year, jealousy over the kids, fianances, and trust issues; are our same issues now......Insecurity!

Tell the bf if not a permant relationship potential that you will not be including the son....for Gods sake do not move him in.....then he has no reason to leave. He has it already what he wants.

The kids grow up, "Too Fast" they never forget a lot of the history......you are making this childs memories. Make them the best for both of you.
di

 

[LoraJ]

I'm glad that I gave DH more than a year to decide. Heck, I needed to decide as well. I think at around two years I asked about if he saw a future with me, but I did not push an engagement. I think a lot of people rush into things and then later ask what they have done.

 

[RitaZ.]

yes, he should know. To me saying "i don't know if i have a future with you" is kind of like saying "i'm waiting for something better to come along".

ita

 

[kellyg403]

OP, no flames...I understand. It sounds like you both are mature enough to handle whether or not after a year it looks like this relationship is either going somewhere or it isn't. After my divorce, I met a real nice guy. I wasn't ready for the whole marriage, living together thing for 10 YEARS. But, that being said, I was ready to be attached, exclusively dating/being with him. We did move in together after the 2nd year and I would never think of being with anyone but him. I did see a future but I just felt like I had so much work to do on MYSELF that I really couldn't expect him to hang around while I gained all the things I felt I had lost.

Honestly, I would do as others suggested and keep the relationship on an adult level from here on out and start weaning your son from the 'hang the moon' attitude. While it might play out to marriage, kids and mortgage someday right now doesn't seem like the time. And, honestly I don't believe in the ultimatum thing either. I would rather speak honestly and freely with the person I care about to get to the right point in our lives then feel like I have pushed them to make a decision that wasn't right for them just because of 'fear'.

Good luck OP...take care of you and your son. If what you are looking for is marriage and family, maybe this isn't the person for you right now in this time in your life. Then again, sometimes, waiting around while the person gets themselves together turns out great. DH and I have been married a couple years now, but had he not waited while I was trying to make sure that I wa complete as a person I would still be single!

Kelly

 

[Andy B]

It doesn't sound as if you are sure he is the one for you. It seems you want someone who ticks the boxes without you being head over heels for him.

 

[Robinrs]

I think this is why there is so much divorce these days. The first year is the honeymoon year. After that, people really start acting like themselves, the good and the ugly. To really love someone, you have to be aware of all his or her faults, and still want to be with regardless.

Divorce is not caused because of a year of not knowing, it happens after years of KNOWING.