need advice-- how would you handle this?

[jenniferma]

Hi Everyone-- I was wondering if I could get your advice/opinions on how to handle this situation. My DD4 is a summer birthday and we have decided to hold her back this year and not send her to kindergarten. She is emotionally just not ready and although we could send her-- we've decided to do another year of preschool first. My Mother is a kindergarten volunteer and one of my best friends teaches first grade (both have known DD4 her whole life..) both say to hold her back. Her preschool teachers say she could go.. but to follow my "gut" on it.

Anyhow-- my problem is that now that we have made this decision-- so many people (some that I don't really even know that well) keep giving me their opinions on how-- "oh, she's ready-- she's smart!" or "she may just be shy, it's just her personality"!!! and so on... I know they mean well.. but it is really driving me crazy. Some of these people have been around DD4 for all of a few hours.. minutes even. I think they think that they are making me feel better or something by telling me this?!? I don't know. It was hard enough to make the decision-- I feel like I am being second guessed constantly.

How would you respond to them? I am just so sick of dealing with it! I don't have a problem with my decision-- but I feel like I am offending people by breaking what they consider to be the norm. Anyhow.. thanks so much in advance for your advice. I don't know anyone else that has been in this same boat-- my SIL sent two summer bdays and both kids really struggled. One was held back and the other is having a hard time in 1st grade. I also watched a cousin (sept. bday) struggle all the way through school (academically and socially)...

THANKS to all- jen

 

[beckmrk04]

Just be confident in your decision- afterall, you know your dd better than anyone else!

If someone offers their (unwanted and unasked for) advice, simply say, "Thanks, but we've already made the best decision for our child." And change the subject- they should get the hint pretty quickly.

 

[EthansMom]

Wasn't there a thread a couple days ago where people were recommending saying things like, "Wow, that's interesting" in response to rude comments? You could try that. Or, you could just say, "We really think it's best for DD."

Around here the cutoff is Dec. 31, so a child can be 4 for several months of Kindergarten! Most parents of Dec. babies choose to hold off on Kindergarten for another year, though.

Good Luck!

 

[jenniferma]

Ethan's Mom-- where do you live? We are in Ohio... here it is September 31st. At my Mom's school (also in Ohio) her class of 18 kindergarters has only one July/August bday. It has changed so much since I went to school!

 

[U2_rocks]

I have no advice. I went through the same thing, but I wasn't firm on my decision, I kept wavering. I honestly couldn't decide! But when I told people we were considering holding her back, they gave me all sorts of reasons why I SHOULD send her instead!

Our DD was truly borderline in our eyes, and in the end we did decide to send her. It may have been in part due to the pressure we got, I hate to admit. Although, if we had been more sure of our opinion we wouldn't have been so easily swayed.

Now I'm actually glad we did send her - she's doing extremely well! I thought she'd have a problem emotionally, but she did a ton of maturing over the summer (after we made our final decision) and was absolutely fine! So it worked out great for our family. But I do understand how hard it is to have people second-guess you - it's hard not to consider their POV, and then you're back to square one not knowing what to do! At least we were, cause we weren't convinced either way initially.

Good luck! Whatever you decide will have its pros and cons, and in your gut you know her best and can make better choices for her than anyone else!

 

[golfgal]

As the parent of a summer birthday child, although he is a boy, I think you did the right thing. Our cut off is Sept 1st and when he started school, he seemed ready and he was, for kindergarten. He is now in 8th grade and that year of maturity would have made a HUGE difference. Part of the problem we have is that a lot of people hold kids back that have birthdays in April, March, DECEMBER. There are kids in his class that are almost 2 years older then he.

You can just tell them that while you aren't as worried about her next year, it is 5 years from now you are worried about and you feel this is best.

I think they should have a national standard of they have to be 5 by the first day of school to start, that would eliminate a lot of the confusion for parents and put kids on a more even playing field. I think they should also have to demonstrate NEED to hold kids back who's birthdays are further then 3 months from the start of school. They are running into too many problems as the kids get older with the holding back trend.

 

[Daxx]

Held DS9 back in pre-K b/c he was v. shy w/teachers and students. We knew he needed the extra year to "blossom". As a Kdg. teacher, I didn't hesitate for a second. I felt it was a good thing. His pre-K teacher confirmed our thoughts and told Daxx and I that "you could send him to school and he'd do ok. Or, you could hold him back and he'd be at the top of his class." Well, we thought it was better to hold him back in pre-K than to hold him back in 3rd or some other grade b/c he was falling behind.

Needless to say, DS is now in 3rd grade, the oldest in his class (he has a late bday, anyway, so it really makes no difference). He is above where he should be and is at the top of his class. I am so thrilled w/my decision. He needed that extra year to grow and mature.

BTW -- you are not breaking the norm. I have a lot of parents question this every year ... wondering if their child is ready or not. I test for Kdg. entry, but my school seems to take them even if they're not as prepared as they should be. I've had to hold kids back in Kdg. b/c they just couldn't grasp concepts or were immature and needed time to "mature".

Go w/your gut ... and tell everyone else to MYOB b/c it's your child and your decision.

If it's any help, I'd rather hold a child back in Pre-K than in 3rd or higher grade. The whole failure chain can start at that point (I'm dumb, why bother). I've seen it happen in my school. As a teacher, if I am concerned w/re. to their 1st grade readiness, I will discuss holding them back w /the parents. I have to have that discussion w/a parent tomorrow. Ugh. I've had to hold 1 student back and, let me tell you ... she just blossomed. The lightbulb turned on and she's doing superbly in 1st grade. I wanted to hold another child back but her mom said she'd send her to a tutor over the summer and pressured the principal, who ended up putting her in 1st grade. The 1st grade teacher asked me about her Kdg. bkgd. (I got her as a student last APRIL!!!!) and once I gave her the scoop, she told me she's going to need to hold her back in 1st grade. Unfortunately, the parent did this girl a huge disservice by not letting her repeat Kdg. as I had recommended.

Just remember ... she's your child and the decisions are yours and nobody elses!!!!!

Also wanting to add ... in my school, I have 3 groups for math, reading, phonics -- advanced, intermediate and below level. I teach based on each group's needs. If someone is progressing quickly, I will put them in the next level. If they need to be bumped down, I can do that as well. I have 2 students who need more 1-on-1 and I accommodate them. Don't be surprised if she's placed in an advanced group once she's in Kdg. ... she'll get what she needs and won't be bored as long as you have a teacher who is willing to group by need and not just teach to the masses, regardless of level!!!

 

[tnkbl]

If you don't feel she is not ready, don't send her. Don't second guess yourself.
Sometimes people want to just give their opinions, but the truth is you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make.
American Academy of Pediartics says if they make the cut off and they are ready then they should go to school and not be held back. THe question is do you feel she is ready? I think you have answered that by deciding to hold her out until next year.
If people ask or want to give ther opinion, listen and politely say I feel that the best thing for _____ is for her to have another year to blossom and not have to worry about academics. Our kids grow up too quickly already.

Kids who I have taught that are a little older have done better. The biggest challenge with the younger kids is maturity.

Good luck and hold your ground!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Believe it or not--more and more people are holding off sending their young 5's to Kindergarten right away.

Trust your decision and never mind the rest.

 

[Skatermom23]

I have a summer birthday child too and he started kingergarten at age 6. I am not sure why we decided to start him late other than it just felt right. He is now in 8th grade and with what these kids are *learning* socially, he is right where he needs to be! I sometimes wondered in the elementary years if we had done the right thing but once he hit junior high, I knew it was right. He will be off to HS next year and I think he is well prepared for it. His added maturity really helps him get through the crap the kids have to deal with in school these days. Just my 2cents!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I hate making the kindergarten decision. I have 4 children, 2 December birthdays and 2 September. The cut-off in Maryland was December and we sent our firstborn (Dec) and our secondborn (Sept).

For our thirdborn (Sept birthday) we decided to send him to a private kindergarten so we could re-evaluate him and decide if he should repeat kindergarten at our local elementary school or move straight to first grade. I was really planning on him repeating K, but I figured that it would buy me a year, basically. Turns out he was ready for first grade and it was a good decision.

My older kids are in college (first year), 10th grade, and 7th grade.

Before my youngest started K Maryland changed the cut-off, so he had to wait, which was great. It took the decision out of our hands. I'm sure I would have held him, but at least he isn't the very oldest in this grade, but as it turns out he is the third oldest in his class this year, at least that's what he has told me.

Is there any way you could send your DD to a private K (my son went to one that was at his part-time preschool and was very affordable). That would give you a year to watch her mature. Then you could put her in your local K as you are planning unless she has really taken off, in which case you could consider putting her directly in first grade.

At the very least it would give you that year since it's so hard making this decision when they are so young. It is hard to know how they will mature, how they will take off in reading, etc.

 

[momrek06]

Jenniferma: Yes, this is definitely your call with your DD! I have two different scenarios. My older DS' bday is June. He went to school right at 5 BUT he was reading by the time he was 4 and very mature for his age..no problems there...he was a SURE bet for school having turned 5 in JUNE!

That being said we then moved to MA where the cutoff for our town is Dec 31st. My youngest DS' bday is DECEMBER 30th. NO WAY. He was NOT ready at all. I spoke with the Nursery School teacher who thought it was a good plan to keep him out one more year. GREAT!

DS is 5 3/4 when he enters kindergarten (private school with ALL DAY K)! He did FABULOUSLY. YUP. The BEST plan was keeping him out one more year. Bumped the 3 morning Nursery School to 5 mornings. There were 25 children in DS' K class all from the age of 4 - 6 YUP. Because of the cutoff of 12/31, it allowed all those that would be 5 by 12/31 as well as the ones that turned from 5 to 6...what a wide range of different ages. It actually was kind of crazy and it was a very long day for the "younger" ones (of which had I sent my DS, he would have been exhausted daily)!!

My DS is now 20yo and at an outstanding "very" selective catholic college here in the Northeast. I am attributing all his "overachieving", SERIOUSLY to keeping him home one more year with me and waiting until he was "older" to start school. I know this sounds crazy but I saw so many children in his class struggle NOT just in K, but for many years in grammar school as they just were NOT ready!!

WAIT, YES, wait one more year. You will be glad you did!!!

OH, one more thing...about 8 years ago, our Town changed the K cutoff date to SEPT 1st. The Town's school system saw the struggle the children had with that 12/31 cutoff date as well. GOOD DECISION OVERALL!!!

 

[JVL1018]

How would you respond to them? I am just so sick of dealing with it! I don't have a problem with my decision-- but I feel like I am offending people by breaking what they consider to be the norm. Anyhow.. thanks so much in advance for your advice. I don't know anyone else that has been in this same boat-- my SIL sent two summer bdays and both kids really struggled. One was held back and the other is having a hard time in 1st grade. I also watched a cousin (sept. bday) struggle all the way through school (academically and socially)...

THANKS to all- jen

Just tell them that you wnat to give your child the best start you possibly can and you know she will greatly benefit from the extra year of preschool.It won't hurt, even if you were wring and she would have done okay. Better to err on the side of caution IMO.

My son is a Sept. baby(cutoff here is 10/1) and while I think he would do *okay*, I know he wouldn't be as good as he could be, he would struggle..hey I'd love to save $3000 by sending him to (free) Kindergarten instead of (expensive) preschool..but it's not what is best for him.

 

[Becky2005]

I don't have an opinion one way or the other - I think it just depends on the area you live. Honesetly, here it's *rare* that people hold their kids back. So many of my kids friends are summer birthdays, so they definitely were not held back.

I have a 6th grader, 3rd grader and Kindergartener (who is a May baby so one of the younger ones), we have a Sept. 1 cut-off. That has been my experience here anyway. It also depends on the type of Kindergarten you have, etc...

You just need to remember you are doing what's best for your child.

 

[Stacerita]

Go with your gut. You know whats best for your DD and whatever you decide will be in her best interest.

I have 3 nephews and only one of them was ready to go at 5 with a Jan bday. The other two, July and Nov bdays were just not ready. They are both bright boys, but not ready for school yet. The middle nephew, July, was sent at 5 and he struggled. It was so hard for him. At the first break my SIL pulled him and worked with him at home. They knew they were moving so it worked out well and he started Kindergarten the following year at the new school. He is now in second grade and doing wonderfully. The extra year made all the difference for him. Seeing how hard he struggled made it easy for them to decide to keep my other nephew, Nov, home the extra year. He is now in Kindergarten and doing great. It wasn't an issue of them not being smart enough or bright, they just weren't mature and ready to go to school.

My parents had to keep my brother back in 1st because of him not being quite there with the rest of the class. He was (and is)very bright, was in the GATE program. It was the maturity thing again.

Only you know whats best for your DD and just tell people who tell you what you should do that you are her parent and you decided what was best for her.

 

[mamacatnv]

I held my DD with an Aug b-day. She is now in 1st grade and I have no regrets. I also have a 16 yr. old Sophomore who is older than most of his classmates and again, no regrets.

When people asked, cuz just like every other parenting decision we make, someone, somewhere has an opinion that they feel the need to share, or they voice their "disapproval" in the form of a question. ie... "Isn't (kid across the street) going to K this year, I thought they were good friends?".

We usually responded with, well you know she is the baby and I am just not ready to let her go.

or

She is ready to learn, but doesn't yet have the social skills to deal with 25 kids and the chaos of K

or this is the best........
This one gets the know it alls every time:

"Oh no, she can't go to school yet, she is still breastfeeding for her morning/afternoon snack"
Seriously, this is the best comeback! Try it!
To all BreastFeeding moms: This is not a slam in any manner, shape or form

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Oh--I always forget this when posting on these threads:

My sister is a July baby--she was held back in Kindergarten.

My brother--was a March baby (but obviously a boy)--Mom started him late--but in a transitional K/1st grade situation and then evaluations were done for pass or hold back.

In my sisters case--she had soem learning issues (which woudln't really have resolved by a later start anyway--but her educational career continued as though she were a late start).

In my brothers case---he could have promoted and been a poor to average student. Or held back to be an average to good student. My mom opted for holding back and he didn't graduate until he was 19.

And both are college graduates now and that first year of school and being held back (whcih age wise is on par with waiting one year to start your daughter)--doesn't make a bit of difference in the world except that they had better opportunity for academics to be more succesful than if our parents kept them in the grade that matched their age.

 

[kbkids]

I'm struggling with this right now with my 4yr old son. His birthday is the end of May, and our cutoff is Sept 1. DD has an October birthday, so she was almost 6 starting kindergarten and has done wonderful!!! My son's personality is just so different. If this had been my daughter, I probably would have sent her - much more strong-willed, outgoing, determined, etc. DS is very quiet, very emotional (cries at the drop of a hat), and honestly just doesn't seem to care about learning anything. Kindergarten registration is next week, and I'm still torn. His pre-K teacher is torn too - "he's kinda 50/50" Says he sits still, listens, gets along well with the other kids, but is definitely on the low end academically. She did say that lately he was making more of an effort, but still just not sure he's ready. Honestly, we all think that with lots of help at home, he could get through kindergarten with decent grades - but I'm more concerned about when it may show up later (middle school). I'm going to meet with the principal next week, as I'm pretty insistent on which teachers I would be happy with him having. I know she'll work with me on that. But I just don't know whether to let him go though and risk holding him back at the end of kindergarten or just let him wait another year and be positive that he's ready to go. If he didn't want to go so badly, I'd let him wait - but he really wants to go, and he's going to be heartbroken if I don't let him. But, will he be even more heartbroken if I hold him back and make him repeat kindergarten?

Another factor that may work in our favor is that it is possible that DH will get transferred within the next year or so. If we have to move, I could hold him back and make him repeat kindergarten at the new school, and he wouldn't have to deal with not moving up with all of his friends. But, that's not a sure thing. We may be staying here.

Also, if I hold him back - then what do I do with him next year? I don't want to send him back to preschool again, as the teacher that will be taking over that class - not real happy with her. The only other preschool that I would be okay with is extremely hard to get into, and I'm not certain we'd even be close. So, I'm kinda thinking the best strongest academic setting for him to be in would be kindergarten, just knowing that he may have to do it twice.

 

[Annie68]

Definitely go with your instincts! I held my DS back (did 2 years in 4yo preschool) & it was the best decision I've ever made. His birthday is in early September. He is now in 4th grade & at the top of the class . There was another mom who debated about it at the same time as I, she sent her son on & he is having a lot of problems. She tells me all the time how she wished she had listened to her gut & not let others sway her decision. My son went from being shy & quiet, to the most outgoing kid in his class!


When others would second guess my decision, I memorized my response. I would look right at them and say "I appreciate your concern, but I know what's best for my son." It was hard at first, I felt like I was being rude, but trust me...it gets easier each time you say it.

 

[shortbun]

Parents are usually right when they think their child is not ready. No sense rushing things. They are only children once, it should be a good experience. No need to respond to others, it's thankfully not their decision. Just smile sweetly and change the subject to laundry detergent so they can give you their opinion on that.