Nana Needs Advice

[hereyago]

Because we are supposed to be the care takers/fixers of everyone, yea my butt.


My DF before he was diagnosed with lung cancer asked if he could watch dd while then dh and I would work, because when I was growing up, he was always working and trying to take care of me, so he was retired by this time and he took dd everyywhere, she was the apple of his eye.

My mom no way at any time would I allow her to babysit, but that is a whole different dynamic right there.

But these young parents ask their parents and their parents either can't or won't say no.
One of my former boyfriend's younger sister got pregnant, got married, then she would have the parents watch him while she worked. then at night she didn't want to come get him, and her dh was a loser as well.

They divorce, she moves back in, well now she really wants to party. so she goes out every night and weekend , she gets pregnant again.

 

[Wishing on a star]

but when I do think about it, I still feel confused about what they did since they did not explain their decision.

Well, I could be on the wrong track.... but something tells me that, for some grandparents... a biological grandchild carries (or carried) a lot more weight than an adoptive child. Not uncommon... Even if they would never, ever, even on their death-bed admit it.

Was your child the first grandchild????

Sometimes things can become different once a little baby is actually there in the grandparents arms????

I imagine it is either one or the other.

But, since this is something that has been hidden under the rug, and never discussed or explained or apologized for... My guess would be the former, above.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, OP, it is okay to say 'no'.....

I an not a mature grandparent...
But, I have many limitations...
I would simply have to decline taking personal care of my parents, inlaws, grandchildren, etc....

It is not politically correct for a woman to have limits, needs, etc...
Woman are not programmed to use the word 'no'.
It is that proverbial "I will take care of everything, forever and ever..."


I am with the above poster who said, 'ummm, yeah right....'.

Not humanly possible.
We are all human....

 

[Katy Belle]

I haven't read all of the responses... but my gut tells me... If my sister and her child were living with my parents.. and I needed help caring for my child, to make some much needed extra money for my family... I would be hurt if my mother told me no.

That does not mean you must do it... it just means your daughter's feelings may be hurt...and everyone will have to live with the consequences. There may be a way to explain it to her, or to solve the problem.. Maybe even pay her childcare for the child at another sitter???

My in-laws take care of their daughters kids a lot... 4 days a week in the summer, after school and many evenings in the school year. We have always lived far away. We asked them to babysit our kids ONE evening, while we went to DHs class reunion. They did it for us, but it was obvious they didn't want to. It did hurt our feelings..and probably our relationship in the long run. We sure never asked for help again. And we certainly feel like DHs sister is the favored child.

 

[cornflake]

I haven't read all of the responses... but my gut tells me... If my sister and her child were living with my parents.. and I needed help caring for my child, to make some much needed extra money for my family... I would be hurt if my mother told me no.

That does not mean you must do it... it just means your daughter's feelings may be hurt...and everyone will have to live with the consequences. There may be a way to explain it to her, or to solve the problem.. Maybe even pay her childcare for the child at another sitter???

My in-laws take care of their daughters kids a lot... 4 days a week in the summer, after school and many evenings in the school year. We have always lived far away. We asked them to babysit our kids ONE evening, while we went to DHs class reunion. They did it for us, but it was obvious they didn't want to. It did hurt our feelings..and probably our relationship in the long run. We sure never asked for help again. And we certainly feel like DHs sister is the favored child.

Honestly, I'm just gobsmacked. Pay for her childcare? She's a grown woman who chose to have a child. Her childcare problems are exactly that, HER problems.

Everyone will have to live with the consequences of her hurt feelings? It's like you're speaking about toddlers mad one got the favoured doll and is going to pout. At which point, you tell them 'you get what you get and you don't get upset.'

They're adults. There's apparently no longstanding thing of favoured treatment, there's a differing circumstance in which they took one kid and her kid in (though yes, OP had a choice), and the other is now all 'oh, hey, I know, I don't want to pay for a sitter, I'll foist the kid on mom and she won't say no because she's watching sister's kid so she HAS to watch mine cause that's only fair,' as if, again, they're three and have no grasp whatsoever of other people's lives, responsibilities, etc. They're not three. They shouldn't be treated as if they are.

 

[Nancyg56]

I haven't read all of the responses... but my gut tells me... If my sister and her child were living with my parents.. and I needed help caring for my child, to make some much needed extra money for my family... I would be hurt if my mother told me no.

That does not mean you must do it... it just means your daughter's feelings may be hurt...and everyone will have to live with the consequences. There may be a way to explain it to her, or to solve the problem.. Maybe even pay her childcare for the child at another sitter???

My in-laws take care of their daughters kids a lot... 4 days a week in the summer, after school and many evenings in the school year. We have always lived far away. We asked them to babysit our kids ONE evening, while we went to DHs class reunion. They did it for us, but it was obvious they didn't want to. It did hurt our feelings..and probably our relationship in the long run. We sure never asked for help again. And we certainly feel like DHs sister is the favored child.

Katy- life is not fair. That is the reality. Another reality is that it may not be realistic for Mom to care for the newest baby unless there is a better understanding of the stress that she is already under. Parents are not responsible for their adult children's problems and those adult children need to understand that if Mom agreed to babysit without making some some sort compromise she is going to be good for nothing for all of them. Mom has the added responsibility of her parents. She has already taken in one DD and is providing care for her child. What happens when Mom collapses?

FWIW_ I learned this the hard way. I have two little ones on my street that I love like my own grandchildren so when their Mom went back to work I agreed to watch them. It was not a good idea. I got totally exhausted and honestly, while the girls were well cared for and they loved coming to my home I was beat. My DH started coming straight home from work because he knew how tired I was getting. I did talk to their Mom and she and her DH had seen it coming but did not want to insult me. I am still trying to recover, I was that tired.

The OP wants to help and I would as well but she does not owe either one of her DD"s a thing. They are adults and if they want Mom to assist then they need to make that as easy as possible and they need to make sure that her stress level decreases rather than increases.

I feel badly that your IL's did not want to care for your kids that time but that is not the way things are for the OP. She is just realistic about what she can manage and manage well. Children and her parents depend on her good judgement.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

I just cannot believe how many people have the expectation that their parents will provide childcare.

If I saw that my mother was already overwhelmed caring for her elderly parents and housing/caring for my younger sister and nephew, and I needed childcare, my thought would be "Wow, Mom sure is overwhelmed right now. I can't possibly ask her for help. She's already helping so many others--what a wonderful person she is. I'll have to find some other way to get the childcare I need. " THAT is how I was raised to act. Who would ask their already overburdened mom to do something that is clearly just too much to ask?

 

[Laura66]

Amen Mrs. Malone!

 

[hereyago]

Very true, except you forgot after the forever and ever part: because the ending should be forever and ever until we run ourselves ragged and croke or into a hospital-but even then some women ignore the symptoms or put them off until it's too late.

You have to take care of YOU, because if you(general you) go down, everyone one else that you are helping cannot help you and they will also suffer for it.

 

[alex9179]

I just cannot believe how many people have the expectation that their parents will provide childcare.

If I saw that my mother was already overwhelmed caring for her elderly parents and housing/caring for my younger sister and nephew, and I needed childcare, my thought would be "Wow, Mom sure is overwhelmed right now. I can't possibly ask her for help. She's already helping so many others--what a wonderful person she is. I'll have to find some other way to get the childcare I need. " THAT is how I was raised to act. Who would ask their already overburdened mom to do something that is clearly just too much to ask?

Yes, I would also offer to help when I could and suggest the same to the sister who lives with mom and dad.

I'm surprised too. My brother is one who doesn't really think before he asks. Once I point out why it's not a great idea, he'll understand. For what it's worth, my SIL expected my parents to be overjoyed at the opportunity to watch her kids and was highly offended that they would sometimes say "no". My mom, who is 65, still works long hours in an unconditioned warehouse 5-6 days a week. She's exhausted all of the time, yet SIL (who is a SAHM) took offense. My dad pretty much wrote her off after that.

My sister and I don't live close to my parents (we are both SAHMs), so we don't have a choice, but I wouldn't ask unless it was an emergency/serious issue. My kids are so active, it wears me out!

 

[Hannathy]

I just cannot believe how many people have the expectation that their parents will provide childcare.

If I saw that my mother was already overwhelmed caring for her elderly parents and housing/caring for my younger sister and nephew, and I needed childcare, my thought would be "Wow, Mom sure is overwhelmed right now. I can't possibly ask her for help. She's already helping so many others--what a wonderful person she is. I'll have to find some other way to get the childcare I need. " THAT is how I was raised to act. Who would ask their already overburdened mom to do something that is clearly just too much to ask?

Then why doesn't the other sister have to think that way?

Why isn't she being held to the same standard?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, some people are just 'takers'.... immature... self-centered....

Wow....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Then why doesn't the other sister have to think that way?

Why isn't she being held to the same standard?

We do not know that she is the same way....

I think it could be quite the opposite. (again, we don't know for sure)
From what I understand, she found herself alone, in a crisis situation, and is now working hard to re-establish herself.

Def. NOT the case with the married, SAHM, wants to maybe work part-time, with freebie child care, daughter.

There is definitely a big difference between getting some help when absolutely needed, and expecting others to shoulder a burdon to make your life easy.
There is a big difference in helping someone truly in need, and being taken advantage of.

 

[Hannathy]

We do not know that she is the same way....

I think it could be quite the opposite. (again, we don't know for sure)
From what I understand, she found herself alone, in a crisis situation, and is now working hard to re-establish herself.

Def. NOT the case with the married, SAHM, wants to maybe work part-time, with freebie child care, daughter.

There is definitely a big difference between getting some help when absolutely needed, and expecting others to shoulder a burdon to make your life easy.
There is a big difference in helping someone truly in need, and being taken advantage of.

And maybe the older DD has worked to make sure she isn't in the same situation? We don't know. perhaps the younger is there because of irresponsibility or poor planning and the older has lived her life differently.
Maybe the younger has a long history of always being bailed out and the older never was? we don't know. Perhaps this is the first time she has ever asked for help and the younger has all her life.
The trouble with glimpses like this is we just don't know the whole family dynamics.

I just think it would be hard to swallow if you were the older and this was the first time you asked and where told no while watching your sister get it all. It would leave a very bitter taste in my mouth and alter my feelings toward my parents.

 

[EMom]

It sounds like your plate is full and anyone should be able to see that. Hopefully if you explain it to your older daughter, she will understand. I would not want my parents to take on more than they could handle (and become unhappy/resentful because of it). However, I would appreciate if they told me their reasons. "No" is all you *need* to say, but explaining could help smooth the relationship.

Here's an example from my own situation. My mother retired shortly before we adopted our first child. I was worried about child care because we didn't know how quickly we would need it (didn't know when a child would be placed with us) and everyplace had waiting lists. I got on the waiting lists and was hoping for the best, but my mother kept calling to ask about my child care plans. I told her I was on waiting lists. Every time, she'd "remind me" that she was NOT available for childcare. She was so adamant about it was weird, especially when I told had told her that I understood her position and promised that I would not ask her to babysit. (I hadn't planned to in the first place.) I can understand why she wouldn't want to spend her retirement babysitting, and that's fine. (As it turned out, the adoption took a while and we were able to get into one of the centers from the wait list… and even if we couldn't, I'm sure we would have come up with something. I had never considered asking my mother to babysit.)

Then a year later, my sister had her first baby and my mother took care of my niece full time when my sister went back to work. Something must have changed, but I don't know what it is (my sister was fully able to afford child care, she lives about the same distance from my parents, etc.) My mother is fully in her rights to say "no" to me (even though I'd never asked) and say "yes" to my sister. I could never figure out a way to ask "why?" without sounding petty, but I have wondered. It would have been nice if she would have explained her decision -- especially since she was so adamant about it -- even though she doesn't "owe" me an explanation.

My parents and I have a good relationship -- they help me out when they can, and I help them out when they can (a good "two way street"). This situation has not ruined our relationship and I try not to think about it often (especially since it was years ago now), but when I do think about it, I still feel confused about what they did since they did not explain their decision.

You're a better woman than me. Or at least more able to overlook things. I'd have flat out asked my mom why she made it clear she would not provide childcare for MY child, but was happy to do it for my sister. If I did not get a stellar explanation that justified treating my child differently from my sister's, then I'd have to assume it was due to the fact that my child was adopted. Given that, I'd have seen the last of anyone, even my mother, who treated my child as second best. I'd figure THEY had made their choice.

We worried we might face this with DH's mother, who was not happy that we were adopting and giving up trying to conceive. We made our minds up ahead of time that if she treated our DD as "less than," then we were done with her. As it turned out, she surprised us all and was gobsmacked over DD. But we were ready to put our DD first, ahead of even DH's mother.

As for the OP, you sound as if you're about to crack if anything else is put on your shoulders. I can see why you hesitate to say no to your other DD when a different DD is living with you, but why not let those two DDs help each other? If one is getting the benefit of free lodging for herself and her child, have her help her sister as "payment." And let those two DDs help with your parents if they expect help in return.

 

[Allison]

I just cannot believe how many people have the expectation that their parents will provide childcare.

If I saw that my mother was already overwhelmed caring for her elderly parents and housing/caring for my younger sister and nephew, and I needed childcare, my thought would be "Wow, Mom sure is overwhelmed right now. I can't possibly ask her for help. She's already helping so many others--what a wonderful person she is. I'll have to find some other way to get the childcare I need. " THAT is how I was raised to act. Who would ask their already overburdened mom to do something that is clearly just too much to ask?

I agree. Also to suggest grandma should offer to pay for childcare is just not something that would ever cross my mind. When do adults take care of themselves and their own families?

 

[Wishing on a star]

And maybe the older DD has worked to make sure she isn't in the same situation? We don't know. perhaps the younger is there because of irresponsibility or poor planning and the older has lived her life differently.
Maybe the younger has a long history of always being bailed out and the older never was? we don't know. Perhaps this is the first time she has ever asked for help and the younger has all her life.
The trouble with glimpses like this is we just don't know the whole family dynamics.

I just think it would be hard to swallow if you were the older and this was the first time you asked and where told no while watching your sister get it all. It would leave a very bitter taste in my mouth and alter my feelings toward my parents.

That is the problem with what-ifs....
I am only going by what I know that the OP has stated.
Younger daughter was alone, in a crisis situation...
Younger daughter is working full time...
etc....

If there is a history of family dynamics where the younger was the favored sister... then that should be addressed...

I will say, right now, that nothing, not one single word, that the OP has posted has made me wonder if this was the case. And, I am usually really good at picking up on these things, even between the lines.

Not for one moment would I think that the OP came here posting, "How do I alienate and shun my oldest daughter while I give everything to my younger...."
Is that really what some people here are accusing.

I think we need to be careful about making that kind of accusation, when there is not a good and valid reason.

 

[spacemountainmom]

Well, I could be on the wrong track.... but something tells me that, for some grandparents... a biological grandchild carries (or carried) a lot more weight than an adoptive child. Not uncommon... Even if they would never, ever, even on their death-bed admit it.

Was your child the first grandchild????

Sometimes things can become different once a little baby is actually there in the grandparents arms????

I imagine it is either one or the other.

But, since this is something that has been hidden under the rug, and never discussed or explained or apologized for... My guess would be the former, above.

Then again, in some families the bio grandchildren carry far less weight than the adopted grandchildren...

 

[Hannathy]

Not for one moment would I think that the OP came here posting, "How do I alienate and shun my oldest daughter while I give everything to my younger...."
Is that really what some people here are accusing.

I think we need to be careful about making that kind of accusation, when there is not a good and valid reason.

But what I'm saying and a few other people is that is what it looks like to the older DD. She sees her sister getting a place to live, probably food, free childcare a lot more than the occasional she is asking for, and when she asks for a bit of help part time with her baby she is told no. It has to hurt.

 

[englishteacha]

We live far from our parents, so we've had to figure out childcare on our own. Several of our friends' parents watch their children, many for free, and that totally surprised me. And I'm irked at a few of my friends because they totally think their parents SHOULD be babysitting the grandkids. OP, you have a lot on your plate right now. I hope you and your DDs can come up with a solution that works for everyone.