Nana Needs Advice

[capegirl]

Deleted

 

[worm761]

Are you responsible for the care of the other child? How intensive is the care for the aging parents? How long until youngest DD and her child move out?

If you don't watch the 5 year old and the care for the aging parents isn't a lot, then, personally, I would do it. It is only part time and would help out your other DD financially.

 

[mrsv98]

I am in an ugly position, and I'm hoping for some helpful input. I just rec'vd a call from our oldest DD asking me if I would care for her newborn if she accepted a part time position that she was just offered. I was rendered nearly speechless, and I'll tell you why. DH is retired, and I was recently laid off from my job. Within weeks of DH's retirement, our youngest DD moved back home with our 5 year old grandson due to a divorce. My elderly parents also live with us; we are a 4 generation household. Just the thought of adding an infant to the mix nearly put me over the edge ! I told DD that I could not give her an answer just yet; I would need some time to think about it. DD and her husband would never be able afford to pay for childcare; they're barley making ends meet as it is. With that said, I feel pressured to agree to this, and if I decide to decline I would probably send myself on a major guilt trip. I love my family dearly, and of course I want to be supportive, but is this too much or what ?

Well, take a step back. How much care do your parents need? Do you take them to appointments and such that require a lot of driving/waiting?

What does your younger DD do? Is she working? Do you care for your DGS when he is not in school?

What does your DH do now that he is retired? Does he help out around the house or do you carry the load?

Would your DD's job have regular hours or it is in something like retail that would have hours all over the place?

If you go through and answer these questions, I think you would come to an answer. While you want to help, you also have to consider those already in the house and your own physical and mental health. I am a people pleaser and I hate to say no but sometimes you just have to.

 

[Minnesota!]

What was DD's plan for child care before you got laid off?

I would tell her to look for full time work so they can afford child care, or choose to be a SAHM during the day when her DH is gone and find a part time evening/night job for when he is there. That way there are 2 incomes, but no child care expenses.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Well, take a step back. How much care do your parents need? Do you take them to appointments and such that require a lot of driving/waiting?

What does your younger DD do? Is she working? Do you care for your DGS when he is not in school?

What does your DH do now that he is retired? Does he help out around the house or do you carry the load?

Would your DD's job have regular hours or it is in something like retail that would have hours all over the place?

If you go through and answer these questions, I think you would come to an answer. While you want to help, you also have to consider those already in the house and your own physical and mental health. I am a people pleaser and I hate to say no but sometimes you just have to.

Exactly what I was going to ask/say.

 

[Hannathy]

If you say no be prepared for major anger over the fairness of it all from your oldest DD. She sees you taking in and keeping her younger sister and you won't even help her part time.

How long till your other DD moves out? Hard to tell one DD to stand on her own 2 feet when you have one grown DD living at home.

 

[DisMN]

Your daughter may have other options she hasn't considered. I'm a bad gramma here because while I'll help out here and there I do say "no" a lot.

Options for your daughter might be teaming with someone to alternate watching each others children. Another option might be that there's some kind of day care available through her work, or at least a subsidy to help pay for it. Another option might be your local high school.....ours has a day care center there and there are various ways to pay for it's services, some grants, some volunteer time and other ways as well.

Good luck to you! It's a tough decision for sure especially when your plate is already as full as it is right now!

 

[Wendy31]

Well, take a step back. How much care do your parents need? Do you take them to appointments and such that require a lot of driving/waiting?

What does your younger DD do? Is she working? Do you care for your DGS when he is not in school?

What does your DH do now that he is retired? Does he help out around the house or do you carry the load?

Would your DD's job have regular hours or it is in something like retail that would have hours all over the place?

If you go through and answer these questions, I think you would come to an answer. While you want to help, you also have to consider those already in the house and your own physical and mental health. I am a people pleaser and I hate to say no but sometimes you just have to.

Yes, I agree; all of these things should factor into your decision.

However, as an older sister, I have to be honest that I would have a hard time w/ my mom not only taking care of my sister's child but letting my sister & her child live w/ her but not be willing to take care of my child.

Of course, my opinion is colored by own experiences w/ my mother & my sister & her children. My sister's 2 girls are at my parents' house from Friday night to Sunday afternoon every weekend. DH & I hate to burden my parents more, so I rarely ask her to keep our kids, but, when I ask my mom to keep my kids, she'll say something like, "You won't be gone long will you?"

 

[NaLisa]

Yes, I agree; all of these things should factor into your decision.

However, as an older sister, I have to be honest that I would have a hard time w/ my mom not only taking care of my sister's child but letting my sister & her child live w/ her but not be willing to take care of my child.

Of course, my opinion is colored by own experiences w/ my mother & my sister & her children. My sister's 2 girls are at my parents' house from Friday night to Sunday afternoon every weekend. DH & I hate to burden my parents more, so I rarely ask her to keep our kids, but, when I ask my mom to keep my kids, she'll say something like, "You won't be gone long will you?"

We're in a similar boat. It does indeed hurt when you see your parent/IL basically raise your sibling's children and then have no time or energy to spend with your children.

OP, perhaps you could set time limits for both your children on how long one can live with you and how long you'll babysit for the other. This should give both of them time to prepare for taking care of themselves and their children without relying on you. You risk growing very resentful by taking on all of this indefinitely.

 

[LuLuO]

Don't overextend yourself. If you really feel like you can't take on any more then don't. It ticks me off when kids expect their parents to care for the grandkids or expect everything to be equal between siblings.

My brother couldn't wait for my mom to retire so that he could get free childcare. My brother and his wife struggle month to month and my mom is one of those guilty moms who says yes to anything when it comes to us kids. Because she watches my brother's kids so much I don't often ask her to watch my kids because I know that there are things she wants to do now that she is retired.

I'm not resentful that she helps them out more, but I am resentful that my mom worked so hard for so many years and now she feels obligated to help them. She loves her grandkids dearly but I know she wants to travel and do lots of other things that will be difficult to do because of the commitment she made to babysit. She would feel very guilty going back on that commitment for any reason.

ETA: My brother is completely capable of getting a part-time job in the evenings and on the weekends. He just doesn't want to.

 

[cornflake]

Tell her no.

She's grown enough to reproduce, she can get a job and a sitter all by herself.

Presumably, your other daughter is caring for her own child and just staying with you until she finds a new place to live.

 

[kirstenb1]

What was DD's plan for child care before you got laid off?

I would tell her to look for full time work so they can afford child care, or choose to be a SAHM during the day when her DH is gone and find a part time evening/night job for when he is there. That way there are 2 incomes, but no child care expenses.

I agree with this. If they're barely making ends meet, then hopefully she can expand her job search and find something full time that pays decent. Odds are she will be mad, but I understand why this would put you over the edge.

 

[wdw4rfam]

I was put in a similar situation myself. I homeschool my children, one who needs driven 40 miles away for therapy twice per week. Yet everyone thinks to ask me to babysit because I am "home". I had to just say no to my sister, and also my friend of 22 years. they both asked, and I know that they can't afford it either. I really financially should work, and we live very tight budget because of it. Yes we go to Disney every year, but it is the only thing we do. I am schooling 2 kids in different grade levels, one with special needs, have a toddler, drive to therapy spots, and still have a house to keep up. I love my sister dearly, and my niece, but had to say no because I just can't do anymore.

 

[kimmyann]

I can totally relate to both sides & I will tell you why. When I had my first child the only way I could work (afford to) was to work at night. We simply could not afford daycare. Should I have had a child at 17, no, but what is done is done so that would leave it irrelevant. My father was just retired & my mom had always been a SAHM. She would not babysit, period. Needless to say we struggled for years & sometimes still do. I was never able to gain a career because I just was not ever able to. I do work full time now though.

I in no way blame anyone but myself for the way things happened & I would not trade my kids for the world, BUT I do hold some resentment that no one would help me & it hurts to feel like I was never able to quite enjoy my kids growing up because of the financial stress that was always there. That is one side.

The other side is....my oldest DD has already mentioned that when she has kids (she finishes college in two years & has a teaching contract already) I could babysit for her since I could take them to work with me. My answer to that was, don't have kids until your able to afford daycare or someone can stay home. I've been raising kids since I was 17, I'm not raising my grand kids. I'm simply tired.

The only advice I have is to really think about it (which you are obviously doing). Maybe if you did it for a certain time period until they are in a better position, but not forever. I feel bad for the position you are in.

 

[NaLisa]

I was put in a similar situation myself. I homeschool my children, one who needs driven 40 miles away for therapy twice per week. Yet everyone thinks to ask me to babysit because I am "home". I had to just say no to my sister, and also my friend of 22 years. they both asked, and I know that they can't afford it either. I really financially should work, and we live very tight budget because of it. Yes we go to Disney every year, but it is the only thing we do. I am schooling 2 kids in different grade levels, one with special needs, have a toddler, drive to therapy spots, and still have a house to keep up. I love my sister dearly, and my niece, but had to say no because I just can't do anymore.

Oh yes, I remember when I was a FT SAHM, I had nearly everyone I know asking me to take care of their child for one thing or another. The kicker was when people wanted me to care for their sick children because the child couldn't go to daycare or school and the parent needed to go to work. Ack! Part of the reason I chose to stay home with my children was so that they wouldn't be exposed to every germ in the world while their immune systems were still so fragile.

I almost always said no to those and other childcare requests, and thought I felt a twinge of guilt at first, I didn't regret my decision to not overburden myself when I was caring for my own two small children. My sisters, OTOH, rarely asked me to watch their children and always reciprocated so DH and I could have a rare date night (we wouldn't have been able to afford a babysitter), so I happily watched their children when they needed it. Other people who thought I should watch their children for free b/c I was "home doing nothing anyway?" They didn't get a chance to fool me twice.

 

[capegirl]

Well, take a step back. How much care do your parents need? Do you take them to appointments and such that require a lot of driving/waiting?

What does your younger DD do? Is she working? Do you care for your DGS when he is not in school?

What does your DH do now that he is retired? Does he help out around the house or do you carry the load?

Would your DD's job have regular hours or it is in something like retail that would have hours all over the place?

If you go through and answer these questions, I think you would come to an answer. While you want to help, you also have to consider those already in the house and your own physical and mental health. I am a people pleaser and I hate to say no but sometimes you just have to.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

My younger DD who lives with us, works full time & we provide before and after school childcare for our grandson who is in kindergarten. The divorce , and the events leading up to it where traumatic; we had no choice but to take them in. Sadly, the breakup definitely left it's scars on my grandson, who does have behavioral issues; he is quite a handful ! DD hopes to find a place of her own, but this will be a significant financial challenge. My parents do have health issues, and I am afraid that this situation will put them both over the edge. DH does what he can to help out, but I'm basically "it". Older DD's new job is in healthcare, and will have erratic hours. Her newborn was a preemie, and he does has some health issues.

As some of you have pointed out; my older DD may be put out if I do not provide childcare for her son, since her sister lives with us. This is my biggest fear; I do not want to jeopardize our relationship, but at the same time, it is already high anxiety around our house. Under the circumstances I know that my mental health would most likely suffer. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am in a no win situation; I may have to agree to do this keep the peace.

 

[hereyago]

Color me bad, but I would say no. I truly can't understand why the dd would ask when she knows OP is taking care of elderly parents. I am part of the 'sandwich generation" I have dd13 and my mom 78 going on 5. There is no way I would be taking on any extra.

Don't get me wrong, dd13 is very independent,and my mom is the problem child , I just can't imagine throwing a child let alone infant in the mix.

 

[hereyago]

T

Under the circumstances I know that my mental health would most likely suffer. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am in a no win situation; I may have to agree to do this keep the peace.

You know dang well as a caregiver how easily you can be burnt out, the youngest dd would have to suck it up unless she wants to help with your folks if she is just working part time and she can see it isn't easy.

I wish you luck and most importantly please take care of yourself!

 

[kwelch10377]

Color me bad, but I would say no. I truly can't understand why the dd would ask when she knows OP is taking care of elderly parents. I am part of the 'sandwich generation" I have dd13 and my mom 78 going on 5. There is no way I would be taking on any extra.

Don't get me wrong, dd13 is very independent,and my mom is the problem child , I just can't imagine throwing a child let alone infant in the mix.

I don't think the OP DD was thinking "hey I want a PT job because I'm bored". From what the OP said they are struggling and her DD is most likely desperate to bring in more money. When you are desperate you reach out to whoever you can think of.

 

[abdmom]

You know dang well as a caregiver how easily you can be burnt out, the youngest dd would have to suck it up unless she wants to help with your folks if she is just working part time and she can see it isn't easy.

I wish you luck and most importantly please take care of yourself!

There's an idea. Could you share the care of the elderly parents and the 2 children amongst the 3 of you? For example, you look after your dgs before and after school, youngest dd looks after the infant on Saturdays or a night or two when older dd has to work, and older dd takes her grandparents to Dr's appointments?