Nana Needs Advice

[hereyago]

Good luck OP on tomorrow's discussion with the rest of the family.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I haven't read through all the responses, but has anyone asked if your younger daughter can take over the majority of the the baby's care? She's experienced, and would have a lot more stamina than a grandma. What about your husband? Can he either run the rest of the household or take care of the baby if your younger daughter works outside the home?

Taking care of a newborn means (as all of us remember) sometimes not even managing to get a shower on a particular day. With all that's already on your plate, it sounds as if you would, at the very least, need some real help.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am not usually overwhelmed either, but I have to tell you and not sure if you have ever been a caregiver. I don't care how laid back you think you are, you caregive long enough and things can change in an instant from what was a easy situation to a more difficult one and you will get burnt out if you don't take care of yourself.

This is so true. Unless someone is experiencing it you cannot really understand the tole that it takes.

The whole resentment/it's not fair argument always kills me. Life is not fair. Everything is not always equitable, even between siblings. You sound like you have your hands full, and like you don't want to do this. I don't blame you a bit, a person can only take so much. If your daughter has a problem with it, guess what, it's HER problem. If she wants to stew and be resentful about it, it's her choice to feel that way. She could also choose to think "you know, mom does have a lot on her plate, I hadn't really thought about that." As a Mother, sometimes our first instinct is to put our children first, but sometimes you need to put yourself first, and once your children are adults, you should put yourself first most of the time.

It is not fair and adult children may not even understand that things can change as their parents age. As a parent who has provided child care for my DGD, (I was paid for this) and had added an infant while doing so I never thought that I would fall apart. I just had to tell my oldest DS that when he has his family I would be able to provide care when the baby was an infant but not when the baby turned into a Whirling Dervish 2 YO. He is not upset but I know that there is a part of him that wanted his baby to have the bond that my DGD has and part of that bond came from the two of us sharing that early childhood time together. His children will be as loved and he knows that but both of us thought that I would be that Nana who always had a house filled with little ones so I do understand how hard this decision is to make.

It is easy to say the DD should grow up and know things aren't fair, than why shouldn't the other sister? She could put her child in after school care or before school care. She is living for free so she should be able to pay for that.

Also it is also easy to sit here and say the OP should just say no but is she ready to not have a relationship with the DD? or to not see her new grandchild? If the DD gets mad and hurt or her husband.

I think both girls need to look at what the Mom has going on and both deal with it. If the one DD is getting free rent then maybe she could watch the baby if it is at times she is around. Or put her son in after school care so the mom is available. Or stay with the grandparents so her mom could go to the other girls house for the baby.

I firmly believe with kids it doesn't have to be 100% equal but it should be fair and giving one DD everything and the other nothing isn't either.

I agree. There can be a compromise but there needs to be a conversation between all of them. It is clear that the OP wants to have her little grandson with her but knows that she cannot manage everyone's care as her responsibility. When I started watching Nola I had my DGD in my care. My DD knew how much I wanted to care for the baby so as soon as she got home she not only took over Kady's care, as she always did, she would immediately take the baby over so i could relax.

There can be a solution but both DD's need to look at Mom's responsibilities and take over some of them.

 

[aprilgail2]

First of all - I'm so sorry you are so stressed about this!
I am amazed at all of my friends - and friends here on the DIS who feel that their parents owe them childcare! Taking care of my own children was at times a handful - so I can't even imagine being older and having to take care of my parents and grandchildren.
!

When my daughter was born I was looking at daycares and my mother was ticked off about that- she said she was home all day so she could watch my daughter. In the end that is what we did, and my mother loved it, said it kept her young and it worked out great for my daughter who is very close to her grandma now. I am retiring soon and though my daughter is still young I look forward to the day that I can watch her kids when she goes to work!

 

[cm8]

Good luck OP, I hope you all can find a compromise.

 

[minniebeth]

Just want to let all of you know how much I valued everyone's input. There are times when you need the opinions of those who are detached from the situation to help you to see things more clearly. My parents are a big factor in this equation; at their age, I have to be prepared for anything to happen. I am their only child, and of course I want to be there for them. My new little grandson, is equally important to me, but I know that I cannot pull this off on my own. As many of you have suggested, both daughters, and my DH will need to step up to the plate to make this work. I plan on having a family meeting tomorrow; I'll let you all know how I made out. Wish me luck.

I hope that your family can work this difficult situation out so that it works for everyone involved. Good luck

 

[Snowflakey]

OP I just have to chime in here and say BLESS YOU for all that you are already doing!! Please know that you are a special person for taking care of many family members.

I agree, your younger DD's situation was not planned and thank goodness she has you to help her through this. Your oldest DD is married and on her own. She has to make decisions within her own family to make this work. The easiest I can see is to find a job at night when her husband would be home to care for the baby.

Best of luck to you !!

 

[sweetdana]

There's an idea. Could you share the care of the elderly parents and the 2 children amongst the 3 of you? For example, you look after your dgs before and after school, youngest dd looks after the infant on Saturdays or a night or two when older dd has to work, and older dd takes her grandparents to Dr's appointments?

I agree with this, Bring mom and 2 kiddos together, and say, I need to help the other DD out too, but we need to share responsibility. I don't think you can say 100% no to one kid, when you are helping the other. You can agree to help DD to watch while she works part time, in return, she helps wants the other DDs kids and with grand parents. Then it is no more time/responsibilities and you are being fair.

 

[jujube]

Man, I'd already be stressed with that many people living in my home. We bought our home to fit our family; it's not very big, so having all those people, and juggling laundry schedules, making room in the kitchen for different food needs/preferences, and taking care of getting them to appointments, etc would be a lot for me. If the OP's parents have moved in with her, she may well be helping them with lots of "daily life" activities already.

So would I! My shoulders actually started tensing up.

OP, you need to take care of yourself. IF you feel like you really need to help your daughter, sit both girls down and tell them you all need to come up with a compromise beneficial to all.

Unfortunately, I understand that divorce can be traumatic and I understand kids can have a hard time but I also understand that people need to pull themselves together and move on, even children. The thing is sometimes a child can manipulate a situation because they know the adults in their lives are concerned about them. Not saying it's happening but it happens a lot.

Is there an adult day care in your area? Some areas offer a free place for adults to spend the day. It's great for them to socialize with others.

Another thing, are there in-laws in the picture? Maybe you and the other grandmother could take turns watching the baby.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hope all goes well with all of you getting together!!!

OP, remember, you do have to take care of yourself.

It shouldn't be ALL up to you.
There are resources out there...
Delegate, delegate... delegate!!!

 

[HM]

I'm sorry you are in this position. I can see that you are probably going to end up keeping the baby for her. What you should do, before accepting, is have a family meeting to talk about the situation at your house. Let everyone know that this is stressful to you. Find out if your younger DD has a plan in place to get herself and her son out of the house anytime soon. (roommate in an apt? to share expenses?) Find out if your DH can take on more responsibility. See if the two daughters can help you to help them by doing other things for you that need to be done (laundry, driving, shopping, yard work, etc). Work out a plan for the family's future that leads toward both your daughters becoming independent and not in need of your help. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would do it esp. since you said the infant was a premie. Both my dd's were premies with health issues and I would not trust anyone else period.

Probably not a popular answer but that is just my perspective. I would do it for the baby.

However I would tell my dd that my plate is full and I could only watch the baby for awhile and to not considerate this as a permanent situation. I would go over some guidelines, like food, doctors, transportation issues, sleeping arrangements for infant, etc....

I did care for my sick premie dd in my parents house while caring for a grandfather with cancer. Very stressful indeed but I would not have done anything different.

 

[ols386]

Op, if you don't feel that you can do it, then don't do it.

It sounds like you have your hands full right now, and taking care of a newborn is a lot of work, imo, especially considering the fact that you take care of your parents, and have your other dd and her child living with you.

If your dd wants/needs to have a part-time job, is there a way that she could find a PT job working the opposite shift as her dh?

If you tell your dd no, and explain politely to her why you don't think you can take on any additional responsibility right now, she should be able to understand. If she cannot, then she needs to mature a bit. She might be mad at first, but I bet she would get over it.

 

[sparklynails23]

Just thought I would mention this because your home has so many adults. If there are smokers in your home, that is no place for a preemie.

 

[Pigeon]

I would say no with no qualms whatsoever. I wouldn't worry about keeping everyone happy or keeping the peace for five minutes.

You said you were laid off. If you are going to look for another job, that take time and energy, as well as instant availability should you get hired. If you aren't going to look for work, that makes you retired. You worked hard all your life, you deserve to have some free time in retirement.

You are not responsible for taking care of every single person in the family. Your two daughters are adults. They chose to have kids. Part of having kids is figuring out how to care for them (hint, that doesn't mean dumping them on mom).

Caring for an infant is a staggering responsibility. Your daughter and her husband should have thought of that before they decided to have a baby.

I would also be telling divorced daughter that while she's welcome to continue to stay with you, she's going to need to figure out future childcare arrangements.

I would be willing to be backup care if their regular caregivers were sick, but that's as far as it goes.

 

[design_mom]

It sounds like your plate is full and anyone should be able to see that. Hopefully if you explain it to your older daughter, she will understand. I would not want my parents to take on more than they could handle (and become unhappy/resentful because of it). However, I would appreciate if they told me their reasons. "No" is all you *need* to say, but explaining could help smooth the relationship.

Here's an example from my own situation. My mother retired shortly before we adopted our first child. I was worried about child care because we didn't know how quickly we would need it (didn't know when a child would be placed with us) and everyplace had waiting lists. I got on the waiting lists and was hoping for the best, but my mother kept calling to ask about my child care plans. I told her I was on waiting lists. Every time, she'd "remind me" that she was NOT available for childcare. She was so adamant about it was weird, especially when I told had told her that I understood her position and promised that I would not ask her to babysit. (I hadn't planned to in the first place.) I can understand why she wouldn't want to spend her retirement babysitting, and that's fine. (As it turned out, the adoption took a while and we were able to get into one of the centers from the wait list… and even if we couldn't, I'm sure we would have come up with something. I had never considered asking my mother to babysit.)

Then a year later, my sister had her first baby and my mother took care of my niece full time when my sister went back to work. Something must have changed, but I don't know what it is (my sister was fully able to afford child care, she lives about the same distance from my parents, etc.) My mother is fully in her rights to say "no" to me (even though I'd never asked) and say "yes" to my sister. I could never figure out a way to ask "why?" without sounding petty, but I have wondered. It would have been nice if she would have explained her decision -- especially since she was so adamant about it -- even though she doesn't "owe" me an explanation.

My parents and I have a good relationship -- they help me out when they can, and I help them out when they can (a good "two way street"). This situation has not ruined our relationship and I try not to think about it often (especially since it was years ago now), but when I do think about it, I still feel confused about what they did since they did not explain their decision.

 

[yoopermom]

Please, when you sit down for your family meeting, block in at least two 4 hr blocks of time for YOU during the week. The rest of the family doesn't need to know what you're going to do during those times, heck it doesn't matter if you go sit in the park and read a book, but you definitely need r+r time for you with your schedule!

My DM is taking care of her DH82 and my DGM102, and even without an infant to take care of, feels as though she's going crazy at times. She joined the Y, and now takes 2 hrs a day/3X a week, and it's a lifesaver....

Good luck and god bless you for all you do....

Terri

 

[Tinkerdreams]

Don't overextend yourself. If you really feel like you can't take on any more then don't. It ticks me off when kids expect their parents to care for the grandkids or expect everything to be equal between siblings.

My brother couldn't wait for my mom to retire so that he could get free childcare. My brother and his wife struggle month to month and my mom is one of those guilty moms who says yes to anything when it comes to us kids. Because she watches my brother's kids so much I don't often ask her to watch my kids because I know that there are things she wants to do now that she is retired.

I'm not resentful that she helps them out more, but I am resentful that my mom worked so hard for so many years and now she feels obligated to help them. She loves her grandkids dearly but I know she wants to travel and do lots of other things that will be difficult to do because of the commitment she made to babysit. She would feel very guilty going back on that commitment for any reason.

ETA: My brother is completely capable of getting a part-time job in the evenings and on the weekends. He just doesn't want to.

I totally agree with this. My family is the same way. I have an aunt and uncle that took care of their grandkids for years and wanted to travel and do other things. Now that the grandkids are old enough to take care of themselves, my aunt and uncle are not well enough to travel or do the things they wanted to do. I'm not saying they never traveled, but not to the extent they wanted to.

What I don't understand is why kids these days (20 to 30 somethings) feel that they can do this? Grandparents love to see their grandchildren and watch them on occasion but not full tiime - its draining!!! Grandparents are not in their 20's and 30's anymore.

I understand completely on treating their children equally and not doing for one and not the other. I wonder how these parents will be when they have grandchildren - will they watch them full time for their kids or will they say, sorry we have other plans.

 

[LilyWDW]

I totally agree with this. My family is the same way. I have an aunt and uncle that took care of their grandkids for years and wanted to travel and do other things. Now that the grandkids are old enough to take care of themselves, my aunt and uncle are not well enough to travel or do the things they wanted to do. I'm not saying they never traveled, but not to the extent they wanted to.

What I don't understand is why kids these days (20 to 30 somethings) feel that they can do this? Grandparents love to see their grandchildren and watch them on occasion but not full tiime - its draining!!! Grandparents are not in their 20's and 30's anymore.

I understand completely on treating their children equally and not doing for one and not the other. I wonder how these parents will be when they have grandchildren - will they watch them full time for their kids or will they say, sorry we have other plans.

Not all of us do. In fact, I can't think of one friend I have that feel like they can do that or that would ever ask their parents to do so. Then again, we were all raised in similar ways, so that might be part of it as well.

And honestly... part of it is the grandparents as well. If they would put their foot down and explain that they don't want to, then a lot of it would not happen. However, if the grandparents agree over and over and over again they are setting up the expectations as well.

 

[Pigeon]

I've got a niece who is finishing up an MD/PhD program. On numerous occasions, the female students were counselled to try to get their mothers to agree to provide childcare so that they could remain in the program and/or engage in their new careers without stress.

Nobody else can raise your kids like mom, and since you'll be paying off all that med school debt, think of how nice it is for mom to work for free.

I'd like to know why it is that mom has to have "Welcome" stamped across her back, and why is it that nobody ever thinks about mom's stress levels.