Nana Needs Advice

[hereyago]

I don't think the OP DD was thinking "hey I want a PT job because I'm bored". From what the OP said they are struggling and her DD is most likely desperate to bring in more money. When you are desperate you reach out to whoever you can think of.

lol never said she was bored. However, surely dd must realize how much OP is under as it is. And yes you reach out to whoever you can think of, but if I knew someone was all ready having a lot going on, I'd rethink who I would ask.

 

[kwelch10377]

lol never said she was bored. However, surely dd must realize how much OP is under as it is. And yes you reach out to whoever you can think of, but if I knew someone was all ready having a lot going on, I'd rethink who I would ask.

Unless the OP has talked to her DD previously and let her know that she is struggling with her parents and her other DD and DGS that there is a good chance that she doesn't really know. Honestly just by reading what the OP has written I wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal to help her DD out, but I am also not one to be overwhelmed easily.

 

[kirstenb1]

Unless the OP has talked to her DD previously and let her know that she is struggling with her parents and her other DD and DGS that there is a good chance that she doesn't really know. Honestly just by reading what the OP has written I wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal to help her DD out, but I am also not one to be overwhelmed easily.

Man, I'd already be stressed with that many people living in my home. We bought our home to fit our family; it's not very big, so having all those people, and juggling laundry schedules, making room in the kitchen for different food needs/preferences, and taking care of getting them to appointments, etc would be a lot for me. If the OP's parents have moved in with her, she may well be helping them with lots of "daily life" activities already.

 

[hereyago]

Unless the OP has talked to her DD previously and let her know that she is struggling with her parents and her other DD and DGS that there is a good chance that she doesn't really know. Honestly just by reading what the OP has written I wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal to help her DD out, but I am also not one to be overwhelmed easily.

Possible, but I think it would be hard not to say at least one time it was exhausting.


I am not usually overwhelmed either, but I have to tell you and not sure if you have ever been a caregiver. I don't care how laid back you think you are, you caregive long enough and things can change in an instant from what was a easy situation to a more difficult one and you will get burnt out if you don't take care of yourself.


I have some people who know and understand that I do not want any more on my plate, so they won't even ask me for favors.

Then I have a few who I am not sure think I am just relishing all this or the fact they wouldn't know or do this amount of responsibility who think I would want to watch their kid after school, um nope. I work, then come home and it's all me. I am a single parent. No one is around or would even want to line up and take care of my mom.

 

[SDFgirl]

I would never ask my parents to care for my children. If they volunteered, I might accept a day or two a week. However, retirement is something that is well-earned and well-deserved.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate already. I would not feel guilty. Maybe offer to do one day a week?

 

[LilyWDW]

Say no... in your posts it seems obvious that you don't think you can handle it mentally, physically, or emotionally. There is NOTHING wrong with saying "This is all I can handle." It is not your fault that the world has dealt the cards it has to you and that you have to put your foot down. If you can't do any more, then you can't do any more.

Tell your daughter you are sorry, but it just is not possible for you to take on any more. Yes, she might be hurt (though I would also hope at least a BIT understanding considering the stress you are under), but you deal with that when it happens. Sometimes you have to think about YOU and not about everyone else.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I was recently laid off from my job.

Are you looking to get back to work? If so, you may or may not be available to help anyway. Please consider that in your decision.

I agree with pp's who have suggested trading some of the childcare amongst both DD's and yourself. If you're willing to remove some of the burden from older DD by babysitting, older DD should be willing to take on some of your OTHER burden in exchange.

 

[brockash]

Well I think you really need to think about and decide if it's something you'd be okay doing or not. If you don't want to do it, then you owe it to your new grandchild and your dd to say no. I would never want someone to watch my child who didn't want to and may hold some resentment about it.

I will say, that for me, if it was at all possible, I absolutely would. Not only to spend extra time with my grandchild, but also to help out my child. I thankfully had a mom who would always help out in childcare areas when needed when we lived close to her. She had an aging father and my dsis and her son living with her at the time as well. I can't tell you how appreciative and easier and better my life and my kids lives were by having her happy to help. I absolutely plan on doing the same things for/with my kids as they get older and have families/careers to balance.

If you really just can't or don't want to, then don't, but if you can help out your dd and grandchild and get to spend some time with your new grandchild, why not?

 

[KellyT2]

Are you prepared to care for a premature infant and any medical issues? Sounds like Mom needs to go back, it's not a choice, correct? Is there a father in the picture? If so, can he help with child care? Can his family help? Stress is one thing, but it sounds like you already have alot on your plate.

 

[luvmy3]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

My younger DD who lives with us, works full time & we provide before and after school childcare for our grandson who is in kindergarten. The divorce , and the events leading up to it where traumatic; we had no choice but to take them in. Sadly, the breakup definitely left it's scars on my grandson, who does have behavioral issues; he is quite a handful ! DD hopes to find a place of her own, but this will be a significant financial challenge. My parents do have health issues, and I am afraid that this situation will put them both over the edge. DH does what he can to help out, but I'm basically "it". Older DD's new job is in healthcare, and will have erratic hours. Her newborn was a preemie, and he does has some health issues.

As some of you have pointed out; my older DD may be put out if I do not provide childcare for her son, since her sister lives with us. This is my biggest fear; I do not want to jeopardize our relationship, but at the same time, it is already high anxiety around our house. Under the circumstances I know that my mental health would most likely suffer. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am in a no win situation; I may have to agree to do this keep the peace.

I think you just need to be honest with your dd and hopefully she will understand that in your current situation taking on the care a newborn would be too much.

 

[Laura66]

First of all - I'm so sorry you are so stressed about this!
I am amazed at all of my friends - and friends here on the DIS who feel that their parents owe them childcare! Taking care of my own children was at times a handful - so I can't even imagine being older and having to take care of my parents and grandchildren.
You can't always treat your children equally. You just can't. You're helping out one DD now and taking care of your grandchild that needs help and it sounds like a lot. Don't be guilted into it by people here or your daughter.
I'd tell her what's going on right now and why it's not possible at this time. I think you're right - she will be mad and hurt. But if she's reasonable and understanding of what YOU are going thru right now she'll understand.
The only other option I can see is maybe watching the baby for one or two days a week - at most.
I'll be thinking of you - best of luck to you!

 

[alex9179]

I have a feeling that you're going to choose to do this, despite your misgivings. If you do, I suggest sitting your family down and working out some trades so that the work is spread out amongst yourselves. Get your DH on board, very important, and see what he's willing to take over. This can be the appointments and general care of your parents to being available for the infant. Luckily, the baby will stay put for a few months and holding, changing, feeding isn't as intensive as keeping track of an active 5 yr old. That changes too quickly, though! You need backup plans When your daughters have days off, they can help each other with childcare and/or with your parents' appointments and needs. Come up with a chart if you need to, so that everyone understands what's expected.

Let them know that you want to be there for all of them, but you're not able to take over for anyone. If you all can meet in the middle and help each other out, it's possible that it won't be a disaster.

It sounds like everyone is overwhelmed and are looking to you to fix it. That's just not in your power and I hope they will understand that.

 

[cornflake]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

My younger DD who lives with us, works full time & we provide before and after school childcare for our grandson who is in kindergarten. The divorce , and the events leading up to it where traumatic; we had no choice but to take them in. Sadly, the breakup definitely left it's scars on my grandson, who does have behavioral issues; he is quite a handful ! DD hopes to find a place of her own, but this will be a significant financial challenge. My parents do have health issues, and I am afraid that this situation will put them both over the edge. DH does what he can to help out, but I'm basically "it". Older DD's new job is in healthcare, and will have erratic hours. Her newborn was a preemie, and he does has some health issues.

As some of you have pointed out; my older DD may be put out if I do not provide childcare for her son, since her sister lives with us. This is my biggest fear; I do not want to jeopardize our relationship, but at the same time, it is already high anxiety around our house. Under the circumstances I know that my mental health would most likely suffer. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am in a no win situation; I may have to agree to do this keep the peace.

Your daughters are adults.

Agreeing to babysit an infant when you cannot feasily do this so they won't get jealous or fight? Really?

That's you choosing to do it. Tell your daughter she's an adult, it's her kid and she needs to find childcare and if she says 'but you watch sister's kid!!!' tell her they're different people, in different circumstances and she's not three and one would think she'd have grasped that life isn't 'fair' by now.

 

[Allison]

It is okay to say no. Was she assuming you would say yes when she started interviewing for jobs? If she knew she could not afford daycare but was job hunting what was her plan if she was not getting you to do it for free?

 

[Wishing on a star]

"NO" is a complete sentence.
(AMEN to the above post)

This is something that is very, very, important for all woman to learn!!!

We all have human, physical, and emotional limits.



PS: I would never, never, ever, consider asking my mother to provide regular day-care.
Especially if I knew she was in the position that you are in.
The word 'entitlement' is really hitting me right now.

 

[AverageDiser]

The whole resentment/it's not fair argument always kills me. Life is not fair. Everything is not always equitable, even between siblings. You sound like you have your hands full, and like you don't want to do this. I don't blame you a bit, a person can only take so much. If your daughter has a problem with it, guess what, it's HER problem. If she wants to stew and be resentful about it, it's her choice to feel that way. She could also choose to think "you know, mom does have a lot on her plate, I hadn't really thought about that." As a Mother, sometimes our first instinct is to put our children first, but sometimes you need to put yourself first, and once your children are adults, you should put yourself first most of the time.

You didn't say how long your other daughter has been living with you. I divorced when my daughter was 3, and moved in with my mother. I was out in less than two years- it was too long, but probably like your daughter I had NO resources, not even a car, when I left the ex. I would sit down with her and make a timeline to get her living on her own. If she's working full-time, it should be very possible. Maybe not in a luxury townhouse, but possible. There's plenty of assistance out there for single/divorced mothers, particularly when they are working and trying to make a better life. Good luck!

 

[Piper]

It seems that you are saying okay to childcare (and furnishing a home and probably food for both her child and her) to one daughter and NO to the other daughter who isn't working "for fun" but because she needs to do so. If you think you can't care for one, I don't think you need to care for the other. You are already doing so much for the daughter who is living with you.

It seems like you are doing "all" for the one child and "nothing" for the other.

 

[Hannathy]

It is easy to say the DD should grow up and know things aren't fair, than why shouldn't the other sister? She could put her child in after school care or before school care. She is living for free so she should be able to pay for that.

Also it is also easy to sit here and say the OP should just say no but is she ready to not have a relationship with the DD? or to not see her new grandchild? If the DD gets mad and hurt or her husband.

I think both girls need to look at what the Mom has going on and both deal with it. If the one DD is getting free rent then maybe she could watch the baby if it is at times she is around. Or put her son in after school care so the mom is available. Or stay with the grandparents so her mom could go to the other girls house for the baby.

I firmly believe with kids it doesn't have to be 100% equal but it should be fair and giving one DD everything and the other nothing isn't either.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, life is not fair. Just isn't.

There is a big difference in a younger female, finding herself alone, in a crisis situation... and the situation with the older, married, daughter....

The one daughter's situation does not justify the other daughters expectations.

Quite the opposite.

 

[capegirl]

Just want to let all of you know how much I valued everyone's input. There are times when you need the opinions of those who are detached from the situation to help you to see things more clearly. My parents are a big factor in this equation; at their age, I have to be prepared for anything to happen. I am their only child, and of course I want to be there for them. My new little grandson, is equally important to me, but I know that I cannot pull this off on my own. As many of you have suggested, both daughters, and my DH will need to step up to the plate to make this work. I plan on having a family meeting tomorrow; I'll let you all know how I made out. Wish me luck.